Feeling Like You’re Failing as a Parent? Here’s How to Cope and Thrive

Parenting is a journey like no other. You’ll experience incredible, unforgettable moments of joy and love, but you may also face self-doubt, inadequacy, and fear. If you worry that you’re not doing enough or that you’re failing as a parent, it’s essential to know that your feelings are common, normal, and valid. 

If you feel like a failure as a parent, it’s critical to address this for your mental well-being and ability to parent successfully. Fortunately, it’s possible to overcome the sense of being a failing parent; you just need the tools and tips to do so.

Read on to learn practical and effective strategies that can help you cope in your parenting journey if you feel like you’re experiencing parent failure. You can be the confident, capable, and good parent you’ve always wanted to be.

Identifying the Roots of Your Self-Doubt

Before addressing parental failure, it can be helpful to explore the roots of your self-doubt, including the pervasive feeling of mom guilt. Lack of confidence can come from societal pressure, social media, comparing yourself to other parents, past experiences, and so much more.  

When you understand where your feelings of inadequacy are coming from, you can take steps to overcome them.

Understanding societal pressures and expectations

Society often places unhealthy, even unachievable, standards on what it means to be a “good” parent. The expectations can be overwhelming, leaving you feeling like you are falling short and are a bad parent. From parenting styles to health decisions to education choices, societal pressures can significantly and negatively impact how you view yourself as a parent.

The impact of social media on parenting perception

We often hear about the harmful effects of social media on teens, but rarely do we talk about what it’s doing to parents. Social media can be a source of support and information, but it also creates an unrealistic portrayal of parenthood and can be detrimental to mental health, leading to negative feelings. 

Those curated, perfect snapshots of family life leave many parents questioning their parenting skills, environment, and abilities. Research on social media shows it creates self-doubt and an increase in stress, distraction, and depression in parents.

Comparing yourself to other parents

You don’t need social media to compare yourself to other parents—it’s easy enough to do on your own. Comparison is a natural human tendency, and it can even be healthy in some ways. That said, it can also become detrimental to your sense of self and cause you to think that you’re a parenting failure. 

Developing a habit of observing other parents who seemingly have it all together can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy. Remember that everyone’s parenting journey is unique, and things are not always as they seem. What you see at the park is not always what’s going on behind closed doors.

Personal past experiences influencing your parenting

Past experiences and upbringing can impact your parenting style and self-esteem. Negative experiences, unresolved issues, or trauma from your childhood can contribute to how you feel about yourself as a parent and add to self-doubt about the job you’re doing. 

In studies, past trauma that leads to shame and self-doubt can make some parents anxious and insecure about the choices they make for their children.  

“Views on parenting are changing with the times. In the past, parents would make decisions because of past experiences or the ways they were parented themselves. It’s important to note that the ways we were parented were not always correct, and making changes that are better for your family is acceptable. Just because it was done to us does not mean that the practice must continue.”

– Talkspace therapist Reshawna Chapple, PhD, LCSW

Managing unrealistic expectations of parenthood

Unhealthy and unrealistic expectations can be harmful to parents. Believing that you must be perfect and not make a mistake or that parenting should come naturally and be easy will most likely lead to disappointment when reality eventually collides with your ideals.

Dealing with lack of support or resources

Not having support or resources can be isolating for parents, especially if you’re a single mom or dad. Feeling alone and unsupported amplifies self-doubt and makes the challenges of parenting feel impossible to overcome. It would be easy to assume that failed parenting is a given, but access to resources and a support system can turn everything around.

Recognizing the role of fatigue and stress

Fatigue and stress can become everyday experiences for parents. They’re so prevalent that researchers have coined the term “parental burnout” (PBO) to define the state of physical and psychological exhaustion many parents today feel. The Parental Burnout Assessment survey was developed to measure exhaustion, emotional distancing from children, how parenting changes you, and feeling overwhelmed. 

Chronic exhaustion can cloud your judgment and heighten feelings of inadequacy to the point that you might not even be able to recognize your strengths or success as a parent.

The influence of child behavior on parental self-doubt

Parenting is hard, and your child’s behavior, particularly during the challenging phases, can make you question your ability to parent effectively. Tantrums, defiance, and developmental issues can all contribute to feeling like you’re failing as a parent — even though these are all normal and healthy parts of childhood development.

What to Do if You Feel Like You’re Failing as a Parent

Even though most parents have moments when they feel like a failure, it can still be an overwhelming and isolating experience. It’s important to remember that your feelings are common and that you can overcome them.

Adopting strategies and tools to address self-doubt will foster a healthier, more confident approach to your parenting style. Use any or all of the following to help you cope and thrive as good parents.

Acknowledge your feelings

First, acknowledge your feelings. Overcoming any sense of failure in life means recognizing and accepting your emotions so you can confront them. Understanding why you’re feeling this way is crucial to finding a solution.

Seek support

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Building a community of others who understand what you’re going through will provide invaluable perspective and support. Share experiences, challenges, and even triumphs with the people in your network. Coming together and having a sense of community can alleviate feelings of isolation.

Reflect on your parenting goals

It’s essential to take time and reflect on your parenting goals and values every once in a while. As your children grow, your goals will likely change — doing the occasional checks and balances can help you remember or redefine what’s truly important.  

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is underrated. The power of being kind to yourself is unparalleled when it comes to the demanding aspects of parenthood. It’s normal to make mistakes — you are human, after all. Give yourself grace and treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer your children when they don’t get things right the first time. Self-care for parents can also be crucial for practicing self-compassion.

Set realistic expectations

Setting realistic, healthy expectations can reduce feelings of failure as a parent. Once you genuinely believe that perfection is unattainable, you can accept that doing your best is enough. If you place lofty expectations on yourself, look at what you’re trying to achieve and determine if you’re setting yourself up for success.

Focus on the positive

The power of positivity cannot be understated. Concentrating on the positive aspects of your parenting and celebrating small victories instead of focusing on parenting mistakes will improve your self-image. Acknowledge your successes, no matter how small or minor they might seem. It’ll boost your confidence and give you a more balanced perspective of your ability as a parent.

Learn and adapt

Parenting is a never-ending learning process. It often feels like as soon as you get one thing down, your child’s needs change. The way you parent your children at 5 will and should be different than when parenting teenagers. Be willing to learn new techniques and stay open to adapting your approach as your children grow. Flexibility helps you navigate parenting challenges more effectively and can improve your parenting skills over time.

“Giving yourself grace and learning from your past mistakes is important. Be honest with yourself and your children about your mistakes and the ways you’ll change. It is also okay to discuss these potential changes with your children to help them understand why you are making changes.”

– Talkspace therapist Reshawna Chapple, PhD, LCSW

Seek professional help

Feeling like a parental failure can be so overwhelming that finding a way out seems impossible, but seeking professional help can be a game-changer. 

Therapy can provide a safe space to explore deep-seated issues that are affecting your parenting. It can offer strategies and coping mechanisms to manage parental anxiety and build self-confidence. Using the techniques you learn in therapy will help you stop feeling inadequate and develop a positive, resilient approach to parenting.

Find Support to Thrive as a Parent

So many of the challenges parents face today cause feelings of failure. With the right strategies, though, you can overcome self-doubt and become the successful, confident parent you’ve always wanted to be. 

Acknowledging your feelings, finding support, practicing self-compassion, and being realistic about how much you can do are all ways to transform the parenting experience — for both you and your children. If you’re struggling, get help. Building a support network with other parents and getting therapy can help you grow and overcome that terrible feeling of failing as a parent.

Talkspace makes getting help accessible, affordable, and straightforward, with online therapy covered by insurance. Investing in your mental health is crucial to feeling capable as a parent. Remember, every parent faces challenges, but you can gain strength and confidence with the proper support. 

Learn more about online therapy and how it can help your parenting by contacting Talkspace today.