Parenting is hard, but co-parenting has a whole different set of challenges. However, a healthy co-parenting relationship is definitely achievable. It requires two people who can prioritize the child’s well-being and are committed to offering consistency, support, and love. Mutual respect and clear boundaries are also essential to co-parenting successfully.
With these elements, children can thrive in their unique family structure. It’s worth the effort, too. A positive co-parenting environment is good for everyone, especially the children. Knowing that both parents are actively involved, have a healthy relationship, and are willing to provide emotional and physical support is one of the best gifts you can give a child.
If you’re not sure how to start, read on for a list of co-parenting boundaries that ensure both the parents and the children are happy, healthy, and stable, even if you don’t have the traditional family setup.
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1. Respecting Parenting Styles & Decisions
One of the most critical parts of healthy co-parenting is learning to support and respect each other’s parenting decisions and styles — even if they differ. It’s the only way to find harmony in the relationship. Every parent brings a unique perspective to raising children, and acknowledging the differences in parenting styles will help reduce or prevent conflict. Respecting each other’s approach not only helps the co-parenting relationship but also allows you to be a better parent by fostering a supportive environment.
To identify and agree on key principles as parents, discuss important issues like:
- Discipline
- Education goals
- Healthcare decisions
- Financial future and savings
2. Following the Parenting Plan
You can use the principles you come up with as part of your parenting plan. Think of a parenting plan as a roadmap that details essential co-parenting aspects.
For example, your plan can outline:
- Custody arrangements
- Visitation schedules
- Individual responsibilities
- Financial obligations
- Transportation or exchange logistics
- Decision-making responsibilities
- Rules and discipline
- Emergency protocols
- Relocation and travel agreements
- Dispute resolution methods
- New partner or relationship guidelines
The more detailed and well-structured your plan is, the less room there is for conflict. Comprehensive parenting plans can minimize misunderstandings and offer structure for everyone.
3. Maintaining Consistency Across Households
Children love consistency, so knowing that rules and routines will be the same regardless of which home they’re in can provide a sense of security and comfort.
Work together to come up with guidelines for things like:
- Bedtime
- Homework
- Chores
- Screentime
- Curfew
- Social media access
- Mealtimes
- Daily activities
A unified approach to parenting helps kids adjust and transition from home to home. It also reinforces the idea that even though parents may not live together, they agree on priorities and are united in their efforts.
4. Establishing Communication Levels
Effective communication is a vital aspect of parenting. It’s a foundation that ensures both parents are informed and understand important parts of their children’s lives.
Make an effort to give each other regular updates about:
- School progress
- Health issues
- Dietary concerns
- Extracurricular activities
- Sports practices and games
- School events
- Friend and social issues
Simplify communication by agreeing on a preferred, consistent method to communicate. Email, text, phone calls, co-parenting apps, or weekly family or parent meetings are all great ways to ensure co-parents are on the same page.
5. Outlining Personal Life Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is a critical step in developing a healthy co-parenting relationship. They prevent conflict and help parents focus on the primary goal — raising healthy, happy children. Boundaries in co-parenting also create a way to respect each parent’s privacy and personal time and ensure neither interferes in the other’s life.
Personal boundaries can help guarantee that both parents:
- Respect one another’s feelings
- Are honest with each other
- Show gratitude for the other’s efforts
- Give each other space
- Avoid codependency
- Take responsibility for their actions
- Respect differing opinions
- Have time to practice essential self-care for parents
“While you may be curious about your ex’s dating life, it is important to remember that the goal is to be solid co-parents who are respectful of one another and keep the children’s needs as the priority. Being able to keep the focus on co-parenting and maintain boundaries around not speaking about your or your ex’s personal life will keep the stress level lower and help you reach your goals of successfully co-parenting your children.”
– Talkspace therapist, Jill Daino, LCSW-R, BC-TMH
6. Being Civil
The power of civility goes unnoticed in many relationships, but when you’re co-parenting, both parents must try to be civil. Interactions should be calm and respectful, especially when in front of children. If this is difficult, it might be helpful to remember that you’re setting a positive example and emulating what a healthy relationship looks like.
7. Treating Each Other with Respect
When parents show each other respect, appreciate each other’s efforts, and value one another’s opinions, it ultimately benefits the children. Respect is a fundamental part of having a healthy co-parenting relationship—it helps you work as a unified front.
8. Keeping Your Child Out of Conflicts
Don’t allow your children to be caught in the middle of parental conflicts. Shelter them from disputes and disagreements, and never use them as a messenger between parents. Your job as co-parents is to protect your children’s emotional well-being. Do whatever it takes to resolve differences privately so you can show a united front in your children’s lives.
9. Refraining from Bad-Mouthing Each Other
Speaking poorly about the other parent to or in front of children is never OK. Research shows that parental alienation is profoundly damaging to a child’s mental health later in life. Refrain from these inappropriate co-parenting behaviors and address them immediately if your ex is doing this in front of your child. Focus on fostering a positive environment and adopt the old ideology: if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Encouraging a healthy relationship between children and parents promotes emotional well-being and allows you to maintain a happy home life.
10. Being Honest
Honesty is essential in building and maintaining trust between co-parents. It helps both people feel secure in the relationship and ensures they feel like they can trust and rely on one another.
Be upfront and honest about issues related to the children, such as:
- Schedules
- Changes in circumstances
- Social concerns
- School issues
- Financial issues
- Emotional and physical well-being
11. Following the Custody Order
If you have an official custody order in place, be sure to follow it as directed. This gives children and parents legal and emotional stability. For younger kids, it helps them understand their future regarding visitations and their living situation.
12. Setting Expectations About New Partners
Just because you’re co-parenting doesn’t mean you have to be alone forever. Eventually, one or both of you will likely be ready to move on to a new relationship. Introducing new partners into the dynamic is easier if you’re sensitive to all parties and have clear communication and healthy co-parenting boundaries already established. Setting expectations about how and when new partners should be introduced can help children (and a former partner) transition more smoothly.
Building a Strong Co-Parenting Partnership
Co-parenting might not always be easy, but effective boundaries can help. Boundaries let you create a harmonious and supportive partnership, so you can put the children first and make sure both parents feel comfortable and at peace with the arrangement. Respecting each other’s approach to parenting, maintaining consistency across households, sticking to the agreed-upon parenting plan, and establishing clear communication patterns will strengthen the co-parenting relationship.
Boundaries in co-parenting are an ongoing process that requires continuous effort from both parties. Resources like Talkspace can offer online therapy, guidance, and support as you navigate the challenges co-parenting often presents. Talkspace therapists can help you create a nurturing co-parenting environment and ensure your children thrive.
Sources:
- Verhaar S, Matthewson ML, Bentley C. The impact of parental alienating behaviours on the mental health of adults alienated in childhood. Children. 2022;9(4):475. doi:10.3390/children9040475. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9026878/. Accessed July 23, 2024.
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