Conquering Mom Guilt: Causes & How to Deal with It

The journey of motherhood is full of moments that run every inch of the gamut — from incredible joy to pride to pain to…yes, guilt. 

As a mom, it’s normal to have those occasional moments where you feel incredibly guilty and a bit inadequate. Maybe you missed the recital because of an unexpected work call. Your meeting ran late, and you didn’t make it to the soccer game. You forgot to pack a sack lunch for today’s field trip. These everyday realities for working moms — or any parent — take an emotional toll and result in a guilty feeling. 

Guilt is a normal, sometimes even healthy emotion, but when the burden you’re experiencing is marked by such self-doubt and worry that you question your ability to be a good mom, parental guilt can have a significant impact on your mental health and overall well-being. That’s why it’s so crucial to explore why you’re feeling mom guilt and, more importantly, what you can do to manage mother’s guilt effectively.  

What is Mom Guilt?

Mom guilt is an emotional experience that encompasses feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, and inadequacy. Mom guilt often stems from the belief that you made incorrect parental choices, did something wrong, or hurt your child. Guilt can be legitimate — you might have a reason to feel like you haven’t lived up to the standards you set for yourself as a parent — but it’s important to know how to manage your feelings in a healthy manner. 

Mom guilt can manifest in a variety of ways, including some of the following scenarios:

• Missed milestones: You feel guilty for missing an essential milestone in your child’s life. Maybe it was their first steps, a presentation at school, or that time they made the game-winning play. 
• Work-life balance: Maintaining a healthy work-life balance is tough for working moms. Working full-time, feeling torn about being at work, or stressing about not being “present enough” at home can all make you feel working mother guilt. Working mom guilt is especially common for new moms just returning to work after maternity leave.
• Discipline decisions: Moms (and dads) often second-guess whether they’re being too harsh or too lenient when it comes to punishing children. It’s normal to worry about the long-term effects of punishment on your child and wonder if you’re doing the “right” thing. 
• Educational choices: Doubting decisions about the types of education you offer your child is another typical form of guilt many moms experience. You might wonder: Are you sending them to the right school? Do you offer them enough or the right kind of homework help? Did you select the best supplemental educational activities for them outside of school?
• Socialization worries: Some moms even feel guilty for not providing enough playdates or social activities. 
• Impatience: Feeling remorse after losing your patience or raising your voice is normal, especially if you’re worried about the emotional impact your actions have on your child. 

Understanding the Causes of Mom Guilt

For some women, mother’s guilt isn’t a fleeting feeling — it’s rooted in deeper psychological or social factors. Understanding where your guilt comes from can help you address your emotions.  

Unrealistic expectations

Mom guilt can be from unrealistic or unhealthy expectations set by society, social media, or personal ambitions about what “good” parenting should look like. You might think being a great mom means having a perfect house, excelling at your job, or offering your child every social and educational enrichment possible. When the reality of what you can do doesn’t reflect those expectations, the guilt can quickly set in. 

Reminder to self: Recognize and accept that no mom can possibly do everything perfectly.

Comparisons with other mothers

Particularly today, when social media makes it so easy for moms to compare themselves to others, it’s easy to feel like you’re the only mother who’s completely out of control. Studies show that social comparisons cause mothers to be more depressed and feel more inadequate in their ability to be good parents — it’s a recipe for guilt.

Whether you’re inundated with posts of healthy gourmet meals you don’t have time to make, or you’re constantly reading about your neighbor’s kid’s stellar achievements, comparing your motherhood experience to other moms can intensify your feelings. 

Reminder to self: Social media often only represents a carefully curated view of reality. Nobody’s family is perfect. 

Past conditioning and upbringing

It’s possible your feelings of guilt can be traced to your childhood and how you were raised. If you grew up in an environment where high expectations and strict parenting styles were the norm, you might subconsciously place those same standards on how you are as a mother. This generational trauma can harm your ideal of being a good mother.

Reminder to self: Understand that beliefs ingrained from childhood aren’t relevant to you as a mom today.  

“The most common causes of guilt in mothers often stem from societal expectations, their personal aspirations, and the balance between work and family life. Many mothers feel guilty for working as they often feel like they are not spending enough time with their children or missing important moments in their lives.”

– Talkspace therapist, Bisma Anwar, LPC, LMHC

Identifying What Triggers Your Guilt

Daily interactions, missed opportunities, or personal expectations can trigger a mother’s guilt. Understanding those triggers is critical in coping with and overcoming your feelings. 

Common triggers of mom guilt can include:

• Time management issues
• Professional commitments
• Social comparisons
• Taking time for self-care
• Parenting decisions
• Having personal goals
• Relationship dynamics with a partner or other family member

Personal reflection is a valuable tool for developing effective coping strategies. Take the time to reflect so you can better understand and deal with your triggers. Reflective practices like journaling or discussing your feelings with a partner, friend, or support group are great ways to identify patterns that might pinpoint the source of your guilt. 

“Moms should learn and practice mindfulness and self-compassion. Whenever you notice a trigger, pause, reflect, and observe what is happening internally and externally. Challenge your negative thoughts by reality checking them and think of positive thoughts to replace them with. Don’t be so hard on yourself and treat yourself with the kindness you would offer a friend.”

– Talkspace therapist, Bisma Anwar, LPC, LMHC

8 Ways to Overcome Mom Guilt

Although mom guilt can feel daunting, it’s not insurmountable. The following tools can help you learn how to deal with mom guilt so you can find a more balanced, fulfilling approach to parenting. 

1. Set realistic goals

Realistic, achievable goals should focus on what’s important, not trying to be perfect. Setting goals you can actually reach helps reduce the pressure you put on yourself and eases the guilt you feel when you can’t possibly live up to your expectations.  

2. Avoid comparison

Remember that every family dynamic is unique and comparing yourself to others is unhealthy. Remain focused on your own family and journey as a mom. Concentrate on your child’s intrinsic well-being instead of trying to achieve what you perceive as real based on your observations of others.

3. Change the narrative

Shift your internal dialogue — instead of criticizing, be compassionate. Stop berating yourself for the failures you think you’ve had, and remind yourself that being a mom is hard work and you’re doing the best you can. Remember the effort you’re putting in and acknowledge how much you care about being a good mom.  

4. Engage in self-care

Wondering how to be a better parent? Start with being the best version of yourself. That requires taking time for yourself. Practicing self-care is essential to your mental well-being and can help prevent mom burnout. A few minutes of meditation, a workout, or reading a good book are good for mental and physical health. 

5. Surround yourself with a village

The saying it takes a village is true. Research suggests that social support can be a buffer that reduces distress. Therefore, having a solid support system of family, friends, and community is essential in maintaining a healthy mental attitude and having the energy to show up as a parent. It also means that when you need help, your village will be there for you, no guilt attached. 

6. Work through your guilt with a therapist

Working through your feelings with the expert guidance of a therapist can offer clarity you might not otherwise find. It can also provide coping strategies to help you navigate the next time you’re feeling guilty. Online mental health platforms like Talkspace make getting therapy convenient and easy — perfect if you’re a busy mom who doesn’t need one more thing on her plate. 

7. Be kind to yourself

Self-compassion is vital to overcoming mom guilt. Being kind to yourself means believing that good parenting isn’t flawless parenting. Give yourself permission to be imperfect and offer yourself grace on those tough days. 

8. Celebrate small wins

Take the time to celebrate even small victories. Making it through a busy day or staying calm when your child tests you is worthy of recognition. Celebrating your wins can boost your morale and help you release some of your guilt. 

Finding Your Balance: Talkspace is Here to Help

Finding healthy support is critical in parenting. It might come from your inner circle of family or friends or professional mental health services, but it’s key in managing mom guilt. Talkspace therapists can offer you a helping hand, with convenient access to care that fits into your often hectic mom schedule. 

Working through and conquering your guilt allows you to focus on the joyful parts of parenting. Finding balance will make you a better mom, more confident in your abilities and thriving in your success. Get convenient therapy online, through video sessions, live audio, or text with Talkspace — reach out today to learn more.