Emotional Labor: The Cost of Swallowing Your Emotions

When you ask questions like what is emotional labor, it’s important to consider where the term originated. Sociologists like Dr. Arlie Hochschild have divided emotional labor into two main categories: surface acting and deep acting. 

“Emotional labor takes place in almost any setting — work, romantic relationships, friendships, family life, and even online. Given that, it’s easy to see how depleting it can be if you’re facing emotional labor in one or more of these realms.”

– Talkspace therapist Jill Daino, LCSW-R, BC-TMH.

Surface acting

Surface acting involves hiding your true emotions and pretending that you feel differently. While it doesn’t require you to actually change your feelings, it does ask you to present emotions you don’t really feel. Studies show that surface acting can be a significant source of stress. You might see this type of emotional work in the workplace as emotional regulation is very common there.

“It may be something like a boss requiring you to serve each customer with a smile even if a customer is rude, and then going home.”

– Talkspace therapist Jill Daino, LCSW-R, BC-TMH.

Deep acting

Deep acting is a lengthy process in which people work to change their feelings to match the expectations of others. For example, someone might practice meditation to feel happier on the job. While deep acting requires more effort than surface acting, research suggests that surface acting causes more harm. 

“Deep acting might result from your partner expecting you to be the one who manages to get the groceries and arrange a child’s doctor appointments and the dog’s vet visits. It all adds up to invisible efforts that are mentally exhausting.”

– Talkspace therapist Jill Daino, LCSW-R, BC-TMH.

While the term emotional labor was initially used to refer to interactions in the workplace, now it can be used to discuss a broader range of behaviors. As a result, you can find emotional labor examples in many settings.

In the workplace

Employees may be asked to perform emotional labor in customer interactions or with co-workers. Common examples include:

• Being told to smile or display cheerful behavior while on the job 
• Not talking back and behaving professionally even when someone is rude or hurtful 
• Being penalized for emotional behavior, like crying at work

In relationships

While professionalism isn’t usually a requirement in personal relationships, people may still feel obligated to suppress their emotions. Common emotional labor examples in relationships include:

• Burying your feelings to avoid an argument
• Feeling pressured to support your partner, even when it’s not reciprocated
• Taking on unpaid and unappreciated tasks, like cleaning or childcare, when your partner doesn’t do the same

Too much emotional labor can lead one partner to emotional exhaustion.

Emotional labor may be invisible, but it’s still a form of labor. Managing your emotions and modifying your behavior requires significant effort, especially when done for long periods. It can eventually lead to burnout, a form of emotional exhaustion caused by extreme stress. 

“Exhaustion and depletion are two of the most common mental costs of emotional labor as the efforts involved in emotional labor are draining intellectually, emotionally, and sometimes physically. When one person is continually managing the emotional labor tasks at work or in personal relationships, it exacts a mental toll that can be hard to measure until one has a break from it and realizes how depleted they are each day from these often invisible tasks.”

– Talkspace therapist Jill Daino, LCSW-R, BC-TMH.

Emotional labor, in excess, can also lead to: 

• Cognitive Dissonance: When people display emotions that aren’t in line with their true feelings, it can create cognitive dissonance. Internal inconsistencies can increase stress levels and cause mental distress. These feelings of inauthenticity can also contribute to imposter syndrome.
• Burnout: In the workplace, studies show that emotional labor negatively impacts job satisfaction and employee well-being. In addition, when employees experience symptoms of burnout, it can also lead to a decline in job performance. Some research even suggests a link between surface acting and employee turnover.
• Poor Physical Health: Emotional labor takes a mental toll, and the stress of hiding your emotions can also impact your physical health. We know that emotional labor can increase the risk of health complications like high blood pressure and heart disease. This is why people need to find healthy ways to deal with the stress that emotional labor can cause.  

Emotional labor can be exhausting, but there are several ways to cope with this hidden form of stress. While you won’t always be able to express your true emotions, the right strategies can reduce emotional labor’s toll on your well-being. 

1. Set emotional boundaries

Feeling pressured to behave in a certain way can make you feel like you don’t have control over your life. Setting healthy boundaries can help you regain a sense of control and prevent burnout. Be bold, say no to tasks you don’t have time for, or speak up when you feel uncomfortable. 

2. Try mindfulness

Mindfulness meditation can make you more aware of your feelings, even when you can’t express them openly. It can also help you improve your emotional regulation skills, which can make the pressure of emotional labor more manageable. There are many ways to incorporate mindfulness practices into your day-to-day life.  

3. Find healthy outlets

Bottling up your emotions won’t make them go away. Suppressing feelings can put physical stress on your body. Instead of hiding your feelings, find healthy ways to process and express them. Whether you vent to a trusted friend, write in a journal, or use exercise to burn off stress, finding ways to let your feelings out is important.

4. Practice self-care

Even though emotional labor is unseen, it takes a great deal of effort and self-care is important. When you’re engaging in stressful activities, take care of yourself. Set aside time for relaxation and give yourself a chance to recuperate when you’re feeling drained. 

5. Take a break

If emotional labor is starting to feel like too much, it’s okay to give yourself a break. A short break can help you to recharge after a draining experience. Studies show that taking rest breaks throughout the day can reduce stress and increase productivity.

“Recognizing the toll of emotional labor is the first step, since so many people have come to accept “this is just how it is.” Find support to discuss how it impacts your life. It could be a trusted friend, a moms’ group, a group of co-workers, or a licensed therapist. Beginning to make small changes to decrease the emotional labor you’re doing can go a long way to lessen the exhaustion and stress.”

– Talkspace therapist Jill Daino, LCSW-R, BC-TMH.