“Do I Have Mommy Issues?” Ask a Therapist

Updated 03/21/24

As a child, was your relationship with your mother (or mother figure) awkward, painful, or difficult? Do you still have a strained relationship or complicated relationship with her? If so, you might have “mommy issues” and thus, experience difficulties maintaining healthy romantic and personal relationships as an adult. 

While there’s no precise definition of mommy issues, the concept is well-described as: adult psychological challenges that stem from a strained maternal relationship during the formative years.

Unlike daddy issues, mommy issues aren’t as well-discussed. Read on to learn more about mommy issues. We’ll discuss their causes and signs, the impacts a mother issue can have on your life, and adult relationships with other people today. Most importantly, we’ll tackle how you can cope more effectively with a mother issue so it doesn’t detract from your overall quality of life and wellbeing.

What Are Mommy Issues?

Mommy issues are known as psychological challenges, stemming from strained relationships with mothers or mother figures during the formative years. These challenges can manifest as negative self-image, trust issues, and emotional difficulties in adulthood. Understanding and addressing mommy issues is essential for personal growth, healing, and building healthier relationships. If you’re experiencing mommy issues in one way or another, your relationship with your mother was likely lacking.

Most people agree that the mother-child relationship is one of the most important dynamics in life. It’s logical that if you had an unhealthy or complicated relationship with your mother, especially during your childhood, it could easily have an impact on your adult relationships or affect a healthy relationship with a romantic partner.

It could be that your mother was too controlling or that she was loving but failed to provide essential emotional support. Maybe she manipulated you in a harsh way or she abused or neglected you. Mommy issues can result from many different maternal behaviors, and you might be surprised to learn that some of them are seemingly innocent or even appear to be well-meaning on the surface. Not all mommy issues are the result of abuse or neglectful behavior.

The psychology behind mommy issues

Although the origins of “mommy issues” are unclear, they are thought to be somewhat connected to psychologist Sigmund Freud’s theory of the Oedipus Complex. Here, Sigmund Freud explores the feelings of attraction some children feel towards their parents, whether it’s their mother or father.

To fully understand mommy issues, it’s important to look at some of the behaviors and relationships in childhood that might contribute to — or flat-out cause — a young person to develop mommy issues in their future.

“Relationships are the place for unmet expectations to surface and mommy issues are no less intrusive until they are projected towards a partner. We can’t be omniscient about where our vulnerabilities will land, but it’s a good idea to practice self awareness rather than displacing unfulfilled expectations onto a partner.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

Mommy issues vs. daddy issues

The key difference between mommy and daddy issues lies in the parent-child relationship dynamics that lead to these psychological challenges. While mommy issues typically result from the maternal relationship affecting aspects like trust, self-image, and emotional well-being, daddy issues often stem from the father-child relationship. They can manifest as fear of abandonment, difficulties in trusting male figures, or seeking male approval. These differences highlight the unique impact that each parent can have on an individual’s psychological development and subsequent adult relationships.

What Causes Mommy Issues?

Long-lasting psychological effects can come from any substandard parent-child relationship. Children may develop either mommy issues, daddy issues, or a combination of both. 

Mommy issues can result from both overly permissive and overprotective mothers. Some mothers are more focused on being their child’s best friend rather than providing solid, structured maternal leadership and emotional support. While a proud, doting mother certainly seems admirable, sometimes these are the exact types of relationships that can become toxic and cause long-term detriment.

Every household, child, mother, and father — every aspect of a family dynamic — is completely unique. Thus, it can feel impossible to gauge the precise effects of any given situation or relationship. That said, there are some accepted standards and beliefs regarding what might cause mommy issues. 

These might include a mother who:

• Was physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive
• Was completely or mostly absent
• Treated a father poorly
• Was extremely overbearing
• Was unloving or non-nurturing

Remember that these are just some of the potential causes of mommy issues. All mother and child relationships are complex, and with so many aspects to the relationship, it can be difficult to ever fully understand the true cause for someone’s mommy issues.

“At its core, mommy issues can authentically stem from an emotionally unavailable mother, often leading to difficulty forming bonds or friendships, unrecognized resentments, and also poor boundaries, for both men and women.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

5 Signs of Mommy Issues

Before we go into the signs of mommy issues, remember that the entire concept is rather loosely defined.

Each case depends on multiple factors that are specific to your childhood conditions. The unique characteristics of your mother and your own personal take on your childhood experience (including how you interpret and recall events) come into play.

The following are some examples of maternal behaviors that could easily contribute to the development of mommy issues:

Inability to experience deep connections

Did your mother have attachment issues? Was your mother unable to get close with people and maintain close friendships? Was your mother unable to sustain a romantic relationship? If so, and if you feel that you struggle to connect with others, you might be emulating your mom’s behavior. You may have inadvertently developed those same traits and as a result, now have trouble with intimacy, affection, or even just basic friendship.

Clingy

Always feeling the need to physically hold your partner or feeling extreme discomfort when you don’t have a direct connection to them can indicate an adult attachment style that comes from your mommy issues. This insecure attachment issue applies to other types of excessive neediness as well. According to attachment theory, our earliest relationships have a lasting effect on our lives in terms of our personalities, struggles with mental health, and adult relationships.

Unaffectionate

If you struggle with intimacy, avoid sexual contact with your partner, or have another form of difficulty expressing affection, it could be that your mother was closed off to you emotionally.

Over criticizing

If your mother was controlling, demanding, and critical, it’s not uncommon if you’ve taken on similar traits in adulthood. Are you overly critical of those around you, especially your romantic partner? Your strained relationship with your mother might explain why.

Dependency

Did your mom always do everything for you? You may have learned to be overly dependent on her. Mommy issues can sometimes result in a need for others to do everything for you well into adulthood, even if it’s things you could (and probably should) do for yourself.

The Impact of Having Mommy Issues

Mommy issues affect everyone differently. Issues can be mild or severe. Your mommy issues might cause you to polish every dish to perfection and then place it precisely in the cabinet. They might also cause you to resent other women. They might result in you having unhealthy romantic partners or distant relationships with your children.   

There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to how your mommy issues will impact your adult life. However, in general, you might be less effective at maintaining mutually beneficial romantic and personal relationships. This in and of itself is reason enough for you to learn how to overcome the issues you have due to your unhealthy relationship with your mom. 

Emotional issues and insecure attachment styles

Mommy issues often lead to a range of emotional issues in adult life, including the development of insecure attachment styles. Individuals with unresolved mommy issues might find themselves gravitating towards avoidant or anxious attachment styles, where they either shun intimacy and closeness or become overly dependent on their partners for constant reassurance, respectively. These attachment styles can significantly hinder one’s ability to form healthy, intimate relationships.

Toxic relationships

The presence of unresolved mommy issues can also predispose individuals to engage in toxic relationships. An unhealthy relationship with a mother can set a precedent for what individuals consider “normal,” leading them to seek out or tolerate similar dynamics in their adult romantic relationships. This pattern can manifest as either being the perpetrator of toxic behaviors or finding oneself repeatedly attracted to partners who exhibit these traits, perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction.

Difficulty in personal relationships

Beyond romantic relationships, mommy issues can impact friendships and family connections, contributing to a broader pattern of difficulty in maintaining healthy personal relationships. People with these issues may struggle with trust, find it hard to open up to others, or alternately become overly clingy and dependent on friends for emotional support. Such dynamics strain relationships, leading to a cycle of brief, intense connections or long-term, unfulfilling ones.

Impact on parenting styles

Lastly, mommy issues can echo into one’s parenting style, affecting the next generation. Parents with unresolved issues might swing between overbearing and neglectful behaviors, struggle with providing consistent emotional support, or inadvertently project their anxieties and fears onto their children. Recognizing and addressing these issues is crucial for breaking the cycle and fostering healthy relationships with one’s children.

How to Work Through Mommy Issues

You don’t have to let the troubled relationship you had with your mom dictate those you have now. Through hard work, determination, and maybe even some therapy, you can learn new behaviors and thought processes that will allow you to overcome any problems interfering in your relationships as an adult. Therapy can even help you develop a healthy relationship with your mother and sort out other unresolved issues.

“No partner can emulate perfection or fulfill an emotional void, but respecting the core of our issues can help release any attached guilt or shame. We are not doomed by what we learned from our parents, as it’s wholly possible to grow within our relationships and as an individual. Connecting with the right therapist can be instrumental to learning and applying healthy relating and communication moving forward.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

Talkspace’s online therapy platform makes getting the mental health help and emotional support you need for your mommy issues easier than ever. You can seek therapy in the comfort of your own home when it’s convenient for you.

You don’t have to let early childhood trauma surface in your day to day life. You can heal from the complicated relationship you had with your mother. Talkspace can help you learn how.