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]]>Updated 03/21/24
As a child, was your relationship with your mother (or mother figure) awkward, painful, or difficult? Do you still have a strained relationship or complicated relationship with her? If so, you might have “mommy issues” and thus, experience difficulties maintaining healthy romantic and personal relationships as an adult.
While there’s no precise definition of mommy issues, the concept is well-described as: adult psychological challenges that stem from a strained maternal relationship during the formative years.
Unlike daddy issues, mommy issues aren’t as well-discussed. Read on to learn more about mommy issues. We’ll discuss their causes and signs, the impacts a mother issue can have on your life, and adult relationships with other people today. Most importantly, we’ll tackle how you can cope more effectively with a mother issue so it doesn’t detract from your overall quality of life and wellbeing.
What Are Mommy Issues?
Mommy issues are known as psychological challenges, stemming from strained relationships with mothers or mother figures during the formative years. These challenges can manifest as negative self-image, trust issues, and emotional difficulties in adulthood. Understanding and addressing mommy issues is essential for personal growth, healing, and building healthier relationships. If you’re experiencing mommy issues in one way or another, your relationship with your mother was likely lacking.
Most people agree that the mother-child relationship is one of the most important dynamics in life. It’s logical that if you had an unhealthy or complicated relationship with your mother, especially during your childhood, it could easily have an impact on your adult relationships or affect a healthy relationship with a romantic partner.
It could be that your mother was too controlling or that she was loving but failed to provide essential emotional support. Maybe she manipulated you in a harsh way or she abused or neglected you. Mommy issues can result from many different maternal behaviors, and you might be surprised to learn that some of them are seemingly innocent or even appear to be well-meaning on the surface. Not all mommy issues are the result of abuse or neglectful behavior.
The psychology behind mommy issues
Although the origins of “mommy issues” are unclear, they are thought to be somewhat connected to psychologist Sigmund Freud’s theory of the Oedipus Complex. Here, Sigmund Freud explores the feelings of attraction some children feel towards their parents, whether it’s their mother or father.
To fully understand mommy issues, it’s important to look at some of the behaviors and relationships in childhood that might contribute to — or flat-out cause — a young person to develop mommy issues in their future.
“Relationships are the place for unmet expectations to surface and mommy issues are no less intrusive until they are projected towards a partner. We can’t be omniscient about where our vulnerabilities will land, but it’s a good idea to practice self awareness rather than displacing unfulfilled expectations onto a partner.”
– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW
Mommy issues vs. daddy issues
The key difference between mommy and daddy issues lies in the parent-child relationship dynamics that lead to these psychological challenges. While mommy issues typically result from the maternal relationship affecting aspects like trust, self-image, and emotional well-being, daddy issues often stem from the father-child relationship. They can manifest as fear of abandonment, difficulties in trusting male figures, or seeking male approval. These differences highlight the unique impact that each parent can have on an individual’s psychological development and subsequent adult relationships.
What Causes Mommy Issues?
Long-lasting psychological effects can come from any substandard parent-child relationship. Children may develop either mommy issues, daddy issues, or a combination of both.
Mommy issues can result from both overly permissive and overprotective mothers. Some mothers are more focused on being their child’s best friend rather than providing solid, structured maternal leadership and emotional support. While a proud, doting mother certainly seems admirable, sometimes these are the exact types of relationships that can become toxic and cause long-term detriment.
Every household, child, mother, and father — every aspect of a family dynamic — is completely unique. Thus, it can feel impossible to gauge the precise effects of any given situation or relationship. That said, there are some accepted standards and beliefs regarding what might cause mommy issues.
These might include a mother who:
- Was physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive
- Was completely or mostly absent
- Treated a father poorly
- Was extremely overbearing
- Was unloving or non-nurturing
Remember that these are just some of the potential causes of mommy issues. All mother and child relationships are complex, and with so many aspects to the relationship, it can be difficult to ever fully understand the true cause for someone’s mommy issues.
“At its core, mommy issues can authentically stem from an emotionally unavailable mother, often leading to difficulty forming bonds or friendships, unrecognized resentments, and also poor boundaries, for both men and women.”
– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW
5 Signs of Mommy Issues
Before we go into the signs of mommy issues, remember that the entire concept is rather loosely defined.
Each case depends on multiple factors that are specific to your childhood conditions. The unique characteristics of your mother and your own personal take on your childhood experience (including how you interpret and recall events) come into play.
The following are some examples of maternal behaviors that could easily contribute to the development of mommy issues:
Inability to experience deep connections
Did your mother have attachment issues? Was your mother unable to get close with people and maintain close friendships? Was your mother unable to sustain a romantic relationship? If so, and if you feel that you struggle to connect with others, you might be emulating your mom’s behavior. You may have inadvertently developed those same traits and as a result, now have trouble with intimacy, affection, or even just basic friendship.
Clingy
Always feeling the need to physically hold your partner or feeling extreme discomfort when you don’t have a direct connection to them can indicate an adult attachment style that comes from your mommy issues. This insecure attachment issue applies to other types of excessive neediness as well. According to attachment theory, our earliest relationships have a lasting effect on our lives in terms of our personalities, struggles with mental health, and adult relationships.
Unaffectionate
If you struggle with intimacy, avoid sexual contact with your partner, or have another form of difficulty expressing affection, it could be that your mother was closed off to you emotionally.
Over criticizing
If your mother was controlling, demanding, and critical, it’s not uncommon if you’ve taken on similar traits in adulthood. Are you overly critical of those around you, especially your romantic partner? Your strained relationship with your mother might explain why.
Dependency
Did your mom always do everything for you? You may have learned to be overly dependent on her. Mommy issues can sometimes result in a need for others to do everything for you well into adulthood, even if it’s things you could (and probably should) do for yourself.
Mommy Issues in Women vs. Men
Mommy issues manifest differently in men and women, shaped by societal expectations and individual experiences. For women, these issues often center around self-worth and trust in relationships, while for men, they might more frequently relate to authority figures and emotional expressiveness.
Mommy issues in women
Women facing mommy issues might find these challenges impacting their view of themselves and their interactions with others. These issues can manifest in several ways:
- Low self-esteem
- Difficulty trusting others/commitment issues
- Having very few female friends
- Feeling like you must do everything perfectly
- Avoiding anything having to do with your mother
- Finding it difficult to set boundaries or make others respect you
Now, let’s look at what mommy issues in men might look like.
Mommy issues in men
In men, mommy issues often surface in their relationships with both their mothers and other women. These signs might include:
- Always needing to stay in contact with their mother
- Never wanting anything to do with their mother
- Generally being disrespectful towards women
- Feeling insecure and often suspicious
- Always doubting others’ love
- Having a sense of entitlement
- Cheating on partners (often repeatedly)
Keep in mind that these are all just possible signs, and they’re not typically all seen at once. Each case is individual, and people can display mommy issues uniquely.
The Impact of Having Mommy Issues
Mommy issues affect everyone differently. Issues can be mild or severe. Your mommy issues might cause you to polish every dish to perfection and then place it precisely in the cabinet. They might also cause you to resent other women. They might result in you having unhealthy romantic partners or distant relationships with your children.
There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to how your mommy issues will impact your adult life. However, in general, you might be less effective at maintaining mutually beneficial romantic and personal relationships. This in and of itself is reason enough for you to learn how to overcome the issues you have due to your unhealthy relationship with your mom.
Emotional issues and insecure attachment styles
Mommy issues often lead to a range of emotional issues in adult life, including the development of insecure attachment styles. Individuals with unresolved mommy issues might find themselves gravitating towards avoidant or anxious attachment styles, where they either shun intimacy and closeness or become overly dependent on their partners for constant reassurance, respectively. These attachment styles can significantly hinder one’s ability to form healthy, intimate relationships.
Toxic relationships
The presence of unresolved mommy issues can also predispose individuals to engage in toxic relationships. An unhealthy relationship with a mother can set a precedent for what individuals consider “normal,” leading them to seek out or tolerate similar dynamics in their adult romantic relationships. This pattern can manifest as either being the perpetrator of toxic behaviors or finding oneself repeatedly attracted to partners who exhibit these traits, perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction.
Difficulty in personal relationships
Beyond romantic relationships, mommy issues can impact friendships and family connections, contributing to a broader pattern of difficulty in maintaining healthy personal relationships. People with these issues may struggle with trust, find it hard to open up to others, or alternately become overly clingy and dependent on friends for emotional support. Such dynamics strain relationships, leading to a cycle of brief, intense connections or long-term, unfulfilling ones.
Impact on parenting styles
Lastly, mommy issues can echo into one’s parenting style, affecting the next generation. Parents with unresolved issues might swing between overbearing and neglectful behaviors, struggle with providing consistent emotional support, or inadvertently project their anxieties and fears onto their children. Recognizing and addressing these issues is crucial for breaking the cycle and fostering healthy relationships with one’s children.
How to Work Through Mommy Issues
You don’t have to let the troubled relationship you had with your mom dictate those you have now. Through hard work, determination, and maybe even some therapy, you can learn new behaviors and thought processes that will allow you to overcome any problems interfering in your relationships as an adult. Therapy can even help you develop a healthy relationship with your mother and sort out other unresolved issues.
“No partner can emulate perfection or fulfill an emotional void, but respecting the core of our issues can help release any attached guilt or shame. We are not doomed by what we learned from our parents, as it’s wholly possible to grow within our relationships and as an individual. Connecting with the right therapist can be instrumental to learning and applying healthy relating and communication moving forward.”
– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW
Talkspace’s online therapy platform makes getting the mental health help and emotional support you need for your mommy issues easier than ever. You can seek therapy in the comfort of your own home when it’s convenient for you.
You don’t have to let early childhood trauma surface in your day to day life. You can heal from the complicated relationship you had with your mother. Talkspace can help you learn how.
Sources:
1. Gilligan M, Suitor J, Pillemer K. Estrangement Between Mothers and Adult Children: The Role of Norms and Values. Journal of Marriage and Family. 2015;77(4):908-920. doi:10.1111/jomf.12207. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4507819/. Accessed March 5, 2022.
2. Simpson J, Rholes W. Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;13:19-24. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4845754/. Accessed March 5, 2022.
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]]>The post “Do I Have Daddy Issues?” Ask a Therapist appeared first on Talkspace.
]]>Daddy issues have long been the topic of conversation regarding blanket explanations for relationship troubles, self-esteem and self-worth problems, trust issues, and more. The reality is the relationship you have with your father, the man whose actions you watch (or miss) through your formative years, will likely have a significant impact on your adult life.
Though the term “daddy issues” itself doesn’t have a clearly defined history, it is thought to have come from Sigmund Freud’s concept of the “Father Complex” (more on that in a bit). Loosely related to Sigmund Freud’s theory of the Oedipus Complex — which states a young boy may be attracted to his mother and feel competitive with his father — daddy issues can affect people of any gender.
People with daddy issues have at least one thing in common: their relationships with their fathers did not offer the love and support they needed to thrive. Keep reading to answer the question: what are daddy issues and to learn more about the psychology behind the concept. We’ll also look at daddy issues symptoms to look out for and offer you tips and ways to cope with any unresolved issues you may be experiencing.
What Are Daddy Issues?
Daddy issues are adult challenges that can result from one of two likely past experiences — either growing up with an absent father or having an abnormal or poor relationship with a father who was physically present. The resulting psychological challenges can manifest in several ways. Commonly, there’s an inability to trust other men in your adult life and/or a simultaneous strong sexual desire for them (this can also indicate the person having an abusive relationship with the father).
“Daddy issues” is generally a catchall phrase, often used disparagingly to refer to women who have complex, confusing, or dysfunctional relationships with men. It can describe people (most often women) who project subconscious impulses toward the male partners in their life. The impulses can be negative or positive, and they’re caused by an insufficient and/or complicated relationship with their fathers.
A negative impulse towards a romantic partner could be shown through distrust or fear. A positive impulse, on the other hand, could be expressed through admiration.
The psychology behind daddy issues
Many people grow up in homes with fathers who are either physically or psychologically absent. As a result, people with daddy issues can have difficulty establishing mature relationships with males in adulthood. Though the term is generally used in relation to women, the fact is, anyone who grew up with a dysfunctional father, father figure, or other male caretaker can develop daddy issues.
“The term “daddy issues” is often a way to describe women’s attachment issues in a relationship. This usually comes from insecure attachment with a father or father figure(s) at a young age.”
Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC
How ‘daddy issues’ evolved from the ‘Father Complex’
“Father Complex” was a clinical term originally used to refer to a man who had a distrusting, toxic relationship with his father. As this complex was explored further, psychologists discovered these unresolved issues caused had relevance to both genders, not just males. Since then, society has colloquialized the term into “daddy issues.”
“‘Daddy issues” is not a clinical term but has become part of popular culture to describe women who date older, unsuitable men as a result of a dysfunctional relationship with their father.”
Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC
Though the phrase daddy issues is now mostly used to refer almost exclusively to women, modern mental health professionals still use the term “Father Complex,” which still refers to all genders equally for clinical purposes. Having daddy issues is not a major mental health condition, however.
What Causes Daddy Issues?
Daddy issues in adults are caused by an ongoing need for understanding, love, support, and approval that wasn’t received in childhood. These needs can transfer into poor relationship decisions during adulthood.
Attachment styles
It’s not uncommon for daddy issues to result in 1 of 3 types of insecure attachment issues. Additionally, some studies indicate that certain attachment styles — like those seen in people with daddy issues — even increase the risk of developing a substance abuse disorder later in life.
Fearful avoidant
Some people with daddy issues avoid getting close to anybody. When challenges arise in a romantic relationship, they tend to run away. They have difficulty with a fear of intimacy.
Anxious preoccupied
Anxious preoccupied daddy issues cause some people to feel unsettled when they’re not with their partners. It’s common for them to be very clingy and worried about being left, and anxious attachment style is a common cause of relationship anxiety.
Dismissive avoidant
People with daddy issues who avoid conversations or who are dismissive are likely trying to navigate serious trust issues. They’re afraid to depend on anybody else because they don’t want to be hurt again.
Types of fathers
There are several different types of fathers and father figures that can cause the type of trauma that results in relationship difficulties during adulthood. Let’s take a closer look at six different types of fathers who are likely to cause children to develop daddy issues.
Fathers who overindulge children
These fathers spoil their children by giving them rewards they haven’t earned. They give a lot of attention and love, which seems like it would be a positive thing. However, this creates unrealistic expectations of what the child, as an adult, should expect from relationships.
A daughter with this type of father may end up having unhealthy ideas about her future partner. She also may seek out someone who she believes will be capable of providing the lavish lifestyle that she’s used to.
Fathers who are emotionally unavailable
These fathers may be physically present in the home, but they do not offer the emotional connections their daughters need. A daughter may feel abandoned and incomplete, even though her father was there during her childhood.
Fathers who are violent or abusive
The abusive father may mistreat their daughters or others in the family by being impulsive, angry, or unable to control his emotions. Children who grow up having an abusive relationship with their fathers often end up living with mental health conditions in the future.
Fathers who are controlling and toxic
The controlling father wants to be overly involved in every area of his daughter’s life, always trying to shield her from being disappointed. Growing up with this type of father might result in a woman seeking out dominating partners and, maybe even subconsciously, expecting to be micromanaged.
Fathers who are always distressed and filled with anguish
In a normal father/daughter relationship, the daughter looks up to her father and admires him. If a daughter grows up around a father who’s always negative and defeated, her faith in him may dwindle. As a grown woman, she may be rebellious and possibly depressed.
Fathers who are physically dependent upon their children
If a child must provide basic daily needs for her father’s survival, it can lead to low self-esteem as an adult. A daughter who grows up having to care for her father because he’s unable to care for himself might be easy to manipulate or exploit for financial or sexual purposes.
6 Signs & Symptoms of Daddy Issues
Let’s examine some of the possible symptoms of daddy issues and signs that might indicate you’re dealing with issues from your past relationship with your father. While these signs are meant for general indication purposes only, if any of the following scenarios describe you, you may have an attachment issue that need to be addressed.
1. You’re possessive and clingy
Legitimate daddy issues can result in feeling overly anxious when a partner must go somewhere. If you’re constantly worried about being alone, making you act clingy or possessive, you may have an anxious attachment style. This can make you irritable, suspicious, and constantly worried about the integrity of your relationship. Possessiveness and clinginess can also indicate needing constant reassurance.
2. You demand an overabundance of love and assurance
When people grow up not having their needs met in terms of the love and reassurance they received, it can put excessive pressure on adult relationships. You might be seeking a partner who can deliver on what you missed. You may compare yourself with other women who’ve been in your partner’s past life. You might suffocate your partner, feel unloved, or even believe that you’ve been abandoned when you haven’t.
3. You want sex all the time
Some women who grew up with dysfunctional father-daughter relationships feel that sex can offer them the love they didn’t receive as children. You may believe that regular (or perhaps excessive) sexual intercourse will make your partner love you more. You also might try using sex to build your self-esteem or to feel accomplished and good about yourself.
4. You’re only interested in dating older men
This is the classic trait most associated with the concept of “daddy issues.” If you grew up in a home with a dysfunctional or absentee father, you might hold a subconscious desire to be with someone who can protect and provide for you, like your father should have. You may believe that an older man can give you the affection and/or financial stability that you missed as a child.
5. You’re afraid of being alone
People who jump from one romantic relationship to the next without any real connection are often afraid to be alone. You may be so apprehensive about loneliness that you’re willing to settle for any adult relationship, even if it’s one that’s abusive or unhealthy. Your relationships may be tumultuous and end in a toxic manner, and you might find that you’re constantly and anxiously searching for the next one.
6. You repetitively choose to be with abusive men
Some women with daddy issues find themselves in relationship after relationship with abusive partners. This could result from having a subconscious desire to mend a broken relationship with your dysfunctional or absent father. You may only be attracted to abusive or self-absorbed men because they represent your father, who you want to please so badly.
How to Deal With Daddy Issues
Therapy for a journey of healing
The most effective way to overcome a father complex, or “daddy issues,” is to seek help from a mental health professional. Starting therapy can first help you identify and understand your dysfunctional behaviors and emotions. Then, they can teach you personalized coping skills to build healthy relationships.
Talkspace offers a new kind of therapy, with online sessions that are designed with your needs and schedule in mind. Therapy is an evolving process where you can address a range of topics that might stem from your daddy issues. It might be time to get professional help if you feel that your complicated relationship with your father caused you any of these problems:
- Low self-esteem
- Persistent anger issues
- Stress
- Worry
- Depression
- Anxiety
Therapy can help you find closure on some of the negative experiences from your past that have altered your current ability to form healthy, positive relationships.
If your adult relationship is suffering because of your daddy issues (or even mommy issues), and your partner is willing, you might even consider couples therapy. This modality can be very effective for restoring integrity in a relationship, possibly even saving it.
Self-reflection through journaling
Journaling is a reflective exercise that can directly address daddy issues. By articulating your feelings and experiences related to your father, you gain insights into how these relationships have influenced your current behavior and emotional well-being. This self-exploration is a critical step in healing from the emotional scars of complex paternal relationships.
Support groups to share strengths and stories
Joining support groups allows you to connect with others who have experienced similar paternal challenges. These groups create a space for sharing personal stories about daddy issues, providing a sense of validation and communal coping strategies. Hearing how others navigate similar struggles can offer perspective and support in your own journey of overcoming these issues.
Building healthy relationships
Developing healthy relationships is especially important for those with daddy issues, as it counters patterns of mistrust and abandonment. By setting boundaries and improving communication, you learn to form connections that differ from the unstable or challenging ones experienced with your father. This proactive approach is crucial in breaking the cycle and fostering secure, trusting relationships.
Whether you’re single or in a relationship, it’s always vital to love yourself first. Without self-love, over time, you’ll have less and less to offer a romantic partner. Spending time and resources on yourself can help you learn how to overcome your intense need for the love and support you didn’t get from your father as a child.
Self-care
Self-care is a vital step in addressing daddy issues. Often, these issues stem from a lack of paternal love and support. By prioritizing self-love and care, you address these deep-seated needs, reducing the emotional dependency or voids created by your father’s absence or negative influence.
If you’ve ever questioned if you have daddy issues, it might be time to get help. If you can’t meet with a therapist in person, we recommend online therapy. Connect with one at Talkspace to identify the root of daddy issues and start healing.
Sources:
1. Serra W, Chatard A, Tello N, Harika-Germaneau G, Noël X, Jaafari N. Mummy, daddy, and addiction: Implicit insecure attachment is associated with substance use in college students. Exp Clin Psychopharmacol. 2019;27(6):522-529. doi:10.1037/pha0000266. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30855152/. Accessed March 5, 2022.
2. Brumberg H, Shah S. Got daddy issues? Fathers impact on perinatal outcomes. Semin Perinatol. 2020;44(4):151238. doi:10.1016/j.semperi.2020.151238. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32273130/. Accessed March 5, 2022.
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]]>The post Ask a Therapist: “How to Set Boundaries With a Narcissist” appeared first on Talkspace.
]]>Knowing how to set boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can be overwhelming. You probably feel emotionally and mentally drained as you’re trying to navigate a very difficult relationship.
Use the tips we have for you here to be confident in your own ability to set firm boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
What Boundaries Should I Have with Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
The first step in setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder is understanding more about the disorder itself.
Narcissistic personality disorder is defined as someone who doesn’t have empathy about how their behavior and actions affect the people in their life. They have an intense need for admiration and exhibit patterns of grandiosity. They often can’t accept responsibility and tend to dominate relationships in their life.
NPD is a relatively common mental health condition in the United States, and it’s more prevalent in men than women. People with this disorder feel entitled to use people freely and openly in their life. You can feel empowered by learning how to respond to their demanding, intrusive, and controlling behavior by setting firm, standing boundaries.
Narcissistic personality disorder and boundaries may seem impossible, but you can do it. Here are some boundaries you may want to put in place to protect yourself from a “narcissistic mother,” “narcissistic father,” or partner.
It’s important to note, if you’re in a relationship (whether romantic or familial) with someone with narcissistic personality disorder and it’s become abusive or toxic, boundaries may not be enough. If you’re unsafe, you need to remove yourself from the relationship as soon as possible.
Don’t let them talk to you any way they want
Someone with narcissistic personality disorder might try to use their words to hurt you. If you’re uncomfortable with how you’re being spoken to, you’re within your rights to say I need you to not talk to me this way.
“When dealing with a narcissist, you should be assertive with your boundaries and make it clear to them what those are. For example, if you are not okay with something they want you to do, tell them up front and hold your ground. Don’t let them pressure you into doing it anyway.”
Don’t let them treat you in a disrespectful or hurtful manner
Yes, words can be hurtful, but so can how someone treats you. Make sure you’re OK with how you’re being treated in a relationship, especially if it’s with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder. If you feel disrespected, hurt, or have been experiencing narcissistic gaslighting, let them know that you’re not OK with that.
Ask them not to share your personal information with others
Your personal information is yours. Somebody with NPD may try to use your personal experience and information against you. Be very clear about what you are and are not OK with them sharing.
Demand they respect your opinions and thoughts
Everybody deserves to have their opinions and thoughts heard. If you don’t feel respected, setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder can help you feel heard so you can feel more valued in the relationship.
Insist that they listen when you say “no”
Setting boundaries will mean nothing if you don’t insist that they’re respected. If you firmly say no to something, be sure you’re heard. If you’re not being listened to, you should feel comfortable putting distance in the relationship. Your feelings are valid, important, and should be respected, especially when you’re openly and blatantly expressing what you’re against or don’t want.
Ask for your personal space when you need it
We all need space in life. It’s an important part of self-care. If you’re feeling suffocated or crowded, it’s OK for you to ask for some personal space. Take the time to do something for yourself that makes you feel good.
Make sure you’re OK with the physical and sexual aspects of the relationship
You should feel safe in every relationship in your life. This is true even (or perhaps especially) in relationships with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder. Feeling safe can be in terms of the physical relationship you have with someone, or it can be the sexual parts of your relationship. Either way, you deserve to be comfortable in every way and aspect. You should feel confident in expressing your needs and boundaries in these areas.
Ensure that your financial relationship is equitable and acceptable
Financial abuse is a difficult and not-often talked about component of many relationships. If you find yourself in a situation where somebody with NPD has financial control over you, whether they are a narcissistic family member or narcissistic spouse, they may be using it as a power play. All financial relationships in your life should be based on equality and something that you’re comfortable with.
What to Expect When Setting Boundaries with Someone With Narcissistic Personality Disorder
You can and should feel confident setting boundaries in your relationships. That goes for any relationship of course, but it’s even more important when you’re in a relationship with someone with NPD or is showing narcissistic behavior. There are a few things to be aware of though.
Setting firm boundaries with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder may trigger them into cycling through their behavior. Be prepared for them to:
- Act like a victim
- Argue with you
- Blame you or make things seem like your fault
- Accuse you of being too sensitive
- Minimize your feelings
- Become angry
The bottom line, and what you must keep in mind, is that your boundaries need to be put in place. You’re taking care of yourself, and you deserve to have boundaries in place that protect you and make you feel safe and comfortable in your relationship.
“A narcissist is used to getting their way and will probably put pressure on you to do whatever they want you to. When you first start setting boundaries, there will be more push back from them. Over time, they’ll start to realize that you will not be so easily intimidated to go along with what they want.”
10 Ways to Set Boundaries with Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Some of the following tips might help you navigate the conversation and process of setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
Find a therapist to help you
Therapists are well-trained in guiding you in how to handle narcissistic personality disorder and boundaries. Through your sessions, you’ll work on feeling strong and confident, identify why you are attracted to a narcissistic person, and learn strategies on how to manage the relationship and tips for healing from narcissistic abuse.
Decide what you are (and aren’t!) OK with
The first step in setting boundaries with anybody is deciding what your limits are. It’s important for you to have a clear idea in your own mind about what is and isn’t acceptable. This will allow you to communicate things clearly to your narcissistic spouse or partner.
If it doesn’t feel right or healthy, leave
Trusting your gut is important when you’re learning how to set boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. The more you can learn to identify and trust when situations or conversations don’t feel right, the better you’ll be able to handle this difficult relationship
You don’t have to justify, defend, or explain why you need a specific boundary
Your boundaries are yours alone. You don’t need to defend or explain why you’re setting them to your narcissistic partner. It’s your life, and these are your decisions. If something doesn’t feel good, you’re not responsible for explaining anything more beyond that.
Practice how to avoid or redirect negative comments and questions
As they say, practice makes progress. Try role-playing with your therapist or someone you trust in your life. You can practice how to course correct or entirely avoid questions and comments that make you uncomfortable. Eventually, you’ll be able to identify when things might be heading toward a confrontational place. This skill can help you navigate your relationship with a person with narcissistic traits in real time. Remember: Narcissistic people love to talk about themselves — if you want to change the topic, try finding something they love to talk about.
Remember the power of narcissistic personality disorder
One of the reasons why understanding narcissistic personality disorder and boundaries can be so challenging is that people with narcissistic behavior tend to hold power over others. Keep in mind just how powerful that grip can be. Especially if you’ve been in the relationship for a long time, their need to control you might have been normalized at some point.
Don’t be afraid to be firm and blunt
Be firm, blunt, and very clear about what you need and expect. This is the strongest way that your boundaries will be taken seriously.
Don’t forget about the consequences
It’s important for you to communicate what the consequences will be if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries. This should be something you’ve clearly identified in your own mind, before you go into the conversation where you tell them things need to be different. Having a clear consequence sets the expectation from the beginning, and when you follow through, it gives you credibility.
Don’t give anything more
It can be difficult, but setting your boundaries is just step one. Once you do that, you must be steadfast in your conviction. Resist the urge to continue giving to the relationship, especially if your boundaries are not being respected. When you’re constantly giving and getting nothing in return, it’s the perfect storm that can end in you being both vulnerable and wildly unhappy. You deserve as much as you give to the relationship. If you’re not getting what you need to return, stop giving.
“You should not let a narcissist know your vulnerabilities. They will only take advantage of that. If you tell them things about yourself that you don’t want others to know, they will most likely use it to their advantage and try to hurt or manipulate you because of it.”
Being in a relationship and knowing how to set boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder can be challenging. You can do it though, and once you see the difference in the relationship and how you feel, it’ll be more than worth the effort you put in to make the changes.
Sources:
1. Stinson F, Dawson D, Goldstein R et al. Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Narcissistic Personality Disorder. J Clin Psychiatry. 2008;69(7):1033-1045. doi:10.4088/jcp.v69n0701. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18557663/. Accessed December 20, 2021.
2. Mitra P, Fluyau D. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/. Published 2021. Accessed December 20, 2021.
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]]>Knowing how to deal with a father with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can help you to avoid feelings of inadequacy that often result from this type of relationship. Here, we’ll clearly define narcissism, review the most common traits of those with NPD, discuss the effects that a father with NPD can have on his children, and offer tips about how to navigate and cope with the relationship in the long-term.
Characteristics of a Father with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
The term narcissism or narcissist is thrown around pretty frequently these days. The truth is, most of us exhibit at least one (or sometimes more) of the common traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder, but that doesn’t mean we’re all living with NPD.
As the name suggests, NPD is a personality disorder, and disorders, by definition, disrupt normal mental and physical functions. It’s important to keep this in mind because if your father is suffering from NPD, it can help to remember that his narcissistic behavior, though it may be frustrating and confusing, isn’t his choice.
While it’s not uncommon for people to use the term “narcissist” in an argument, it really isn’t a term that should be used lightly. If you’re searching for tips on how to deal with a father with narcissistic personality disorder, then first be sure that your diagnosis is valid.There’s an integral difference between someone who suffers from NPD and someone who simply has extra high self-regard.
However, a person with a genuine narcissistic personality disorder will exhibit self-love that’s morphed into something more; a preoccupation with themself, with little to no regard for anyone else’s feelings or emotions.
Signs of a father with narcissistic personality disorder
There are several traits a father with narcissistic personality disorder might exhibit, including:
- A pervasive pattern of grandiose behavior or fantasies
- Reacting to criticism with shame, rage, or humiliation
- Constant need for extreme attention
- Unrealistic need for admiration & appreciation
- Being overly envious to the point of anger
- Showing signs of being preoccupied with success or power
- Disregard of others’ personal boundaries
- Self-admiration to the point of arrogance
- Blatant lack of empathy for others
- False sense of entitlement
In general, people with narcissistic personality disorder aren’t overly concerned about you. They are more likely to focus on what you can do for them and the fastest way they can get you to do it.
How to Cope with a Father with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Living with a father with narcissistic personality disorder can be challenging, but there are several ways you can cope to try and maintain a healthy relationship.
Get a good therapist
A professional family counselor or mental health professional can help you and your father understand the impact his NPD is having on your relationship. Therapy can help you alone, or it can be something you might try doing together. The ultimate goal of therapy would be to understand how your father’s negative narcissistic behavior affects you. You’ll also focus on how to reduce the power and impact he has on you and your life.
Learn acceptance
Your mother or father’s constant need for attention and arrogance can be difficult. That much is a given. It’s understandable (and valid) for you to feel overwhelmed, tired, confused, and probably even a bit angry or hurt at times. However, it can be very beneficial for you to begin to accept who your father is and what his disorder means in your life.
Create an image of him as a loving but challenging friend in your life. By learning to accept his behavior and his narcissistic gaslighting tendencies, you can begin to let go of some of the pain, resentment, or anger you may have been building up.
Don’t tolerate abuse
A father with NPD might have a constant need for ego-stroking. Beyond that, he may also eventually become abusive. This is never tolerable in any type of relationship, for any reason.
If your father, with or without narcissistic personality disorder, is abusive or toxic, you have every right to protect yourself and get out of the situation. Set healthy relationship boundaries, take care and use caution around anyone who exhibits a violent or narcissistic tendency, even if it’s your dad. We all have a right for peace and safety in our life, and you deserve healing from narcissistic abuse.
Impacts on a Child with A Father with NPD
Fathers with narcissistic personality disorder can have a significant impact on their children. The effects can vary with daughters versus sons, though.
Impacts on a daughter
Daughters with fathers who have NPD often state that their dads were never able to give them what they needed growing up. They commonly feel their relationship is unfulfilled. It’s also normal for them to recall having to compete with their siblings to get any parenting time or affection from their narcissistic fathers at all.
Some adult daughters say the toxic relationship still has a profound impact on their life. Many feel constantly vulnerable and always under pressure to do better, even as adults. People who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder are often perfectionists, and fathers can make their adult child, especially daughters, feel insecure and inadequate, unable to and undeserving of receiving love.
Impacts on a son
Boys who grow up with fathers who have narcissistic personality disorder may feel like they never measure up. Sometimes fathers can become competitive with their sons. They might go so far as to intentionally win at any cost against their sons, even at the smallest games. Further, they’ll likely relish the victory to the point of being extreme and inappropriate.
Sons with fathers that exhibit narcissistic behavior may feel defeated, as if they’ll never be able to live up to or outperform dad in any way. If they do succeed, it might be marginal and the victory can be downplayed by the father, making the son continue feeling second-rate.
Of course, every child — even those in a healthy relationship — has unique dynamics with their father. There’s a commonality, however, in the NPD father’s inability to empathize with or even show basic concern for his children.
“A narcissistic father figure can negatively impact one’s self esteem and overall internal value system which can be the driving forces within relationships throughout life. As a result, one might experience a two fold emotional response of never measuring up, while also feeling beholden to shame or guilt. Talking with a therapist can be a supportive way to process these experiences and move forward.”
Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW
How to Recover From the Effects of a Father with NPD
There can be a lot of work involved in the process of recovering from the effects of being raised by a father with NPD or a narcissistic trait. Adult children of fathers with narcissistic personality disorder can benefit from the following.
Learn more to understand him
Learn as much as you can about what narcissistic personality disorder is, how it can affect parenting, and the possible impacts it can have on children. Awareness is key to healing. Continue to enhance your psychoeducation about NPD, as it will likely help you start to make sense of your childhood.
Seek help
Working with an online therapist can help you remember and come to terms with your past. A therapist skilled in the area of narcissistic personality disorder can teach you various methods for coping and managing the relationship. You’ll learn to understand about certain developmental milestones you may have missed out on as a child — like dating, getting a job, or getting your driver’s license — and learn how they may still be affecting you.
“I always encourage taking time to grieve in order to heal from living with a parent we experienced to be toxic in some way. It can feel foreign to learn about proper boundaries and positive communication, but over time, with the right support, one can instill a positive self esteem and experience healthy relationships. Aligning with a clinician or therapist can help you identify negative thought patterns while helping you learn to navigate in a more positive light.”
Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW
Self-improvement
Focus your attention on recovery and healing. Begin developing a stable sense of self. For most adult children of NPD parents, healing depends heavily on finding a deeper self-connection. It’s important to learn to love yourself for who you are and not who you think others expect you to be. Your therapist can also help you learn how to cultivate more stability and cohesiveness in your life.
NPD can feel unfair. You may have a lot of resentment, but by understanding the signs of a father with narcissistic personality disorder, you can learn how to manage the relationship. The good news is: you are strong enough to overcome the pain NPD causes. You can have a happy, fulfilling, and rewarding life full of love and healthy, non-codependent relationships. You just need to take the time to learn how to deal with a father with narcissistic personality disorder so you can move past the disorder.
Sources
1. Mitra P, Fluyau D. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/ Published 2021. Accessed December 23, 2021.
2. Narcissistic personality disorder. Medlineplus.gov. https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/000934.htm. Published 2020. Accessed December 23, 2021.
3. Caligor E, Levy K, Yeomans F. Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic and Clinical Challenges. American Journal of Psychiatry. 2015;172(5):415-422. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.2014.14060723. https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.ajp.2014.14060723#B11. Accessed December 23, 2021.
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]]>A mother with narcissistic personality disorder traits can inflict a long-lasting, negative impact on her children. If you think you were raised by a mother with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), learning to understand more about your relationship — and narcissism in general — can lead you toward healing and living a more contented life.
We’re reviewing the signs of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder, the possible effects her narcissistic behavior may have had on you growing up (that you may still be experiencing well into adulthood), and how you can begin on a personal journey to understanding, forgiving, and healing.
Characteristics of a Mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
It’s very important to not just assume that someone has narcissistic personality disorder. Many people exhibit a narcissistic trait on occasion, but that’s not enough for a diagnosis. Clinical assessment is needed to accurately diagnose and identify narcissistic personality disorder.
It’s also important to note that narcissistic personality disorder is relatively rare. It’s estimated that roughly 0.5% of the population in the United States might have NPD. Although NPD isn’t as common as some other mental health conditions, the possibility of growing up in a home with a narcissistic parent isn’t unheard of.
Generally, personality disorders cause someone to behave, feel, and think in ways that are harmful to themselves and others. Distinguishing if NPD is present in a parent can be tricky, even for adult children.
A mother with narcissistic personality disorder traits may:
- Show you no empathy
- Be verbally aggressive
- Feel the need to control your family
- Be centered on herself
- Create toxic environments
- Be jealous of you and your achievements
- Influence the relationship you have with your father or family member
- Act as though you are an extension of her
- Disrespect your personal space and boundaries
- Infantilize you and try to control anyone they perceive as a threat to your mother-child relationship (in particular, a future life partner)
- Compare you to your brothers, sisters, and peers
- Minimize the legitimacy of your feelings, or invalidate them completely with narcissistic gaslighting
If you know or suspect that your mother has NPD, the most important part of your healing is understanding that you don’t deserve the toxic relationship you’re dealing with. It’s not your fault, and happiness and healing are both very possible once you’re ready.
How to Cope with a Mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
We all deal with and heal from traumatic events differently. There isn’t only one way to overcome being raised by a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. That said, there are several techniques you can utilize to begin the healing process.
Online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and online dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) are both excellent therapy methods that help many people deal with the effects of having been raised by a toxic parent with NPD. These therapies are gentle, yet strong and effective. They can help you process your way through any childhood wounds by:
- Helping you identify past trauma
- Guiding you in isolating negative thought processes
- Showing you how to replace unhealthy thought patterns with healthier, more positive ones
- Teaching you new coping skills
- Exploring the power of forgiveness
- Giving you new communication skills
- Stressing the importance of mindfulness
A skilled therapist can work with your inner child to heal lingering wounds that you might not have ever been able to effectively deal with.
Some of the ways you can take action and begin healing include:
- Acknowledging that your mother’s actions harmed you
- Letting your feelings out
- Connecting with supportive people
- Working with good mentors
- Practicing self-care and learning to love yourself
- Establishing new healthy relationship boundaries with your mother
- Learning to genuinely forgive
“Learning to navigate and cope with a parent with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or characteristics of NPD is difficult, as it manifests in different ways. However, the impact to the children seems to be similar, as many struggle with creating healthy boundaries and self-esteem/confidence issues. Oftentimes, it forces children to parent themselves.”
The Impacts of a Mother Who Has Narcissistic Personality Disorder
There are several possible impacts being raised by a mother with NPD can have on children. Some of the most commonly noted are children feeling unseen and unheard. When a parent has NPD, children are often treated as objects instead of human beings. It’s normal for children to only feel valued for what they do for the parent, rather than who they are.
Impacts on a daughter
Having a mother with narcissistic personality disorder typically affects daughters differently than it does sons. It’s not uncommon for the daughter of a mother with NPD to eventually end up:
- Constantly trying to please others
- Believing that love is conditional by nature
- Either avoiding or chasing romance in adulthood
- Thinking abuse is normal in relationships
- Developing another possible mental health disorder
Daughters raised by mothers with NPD can end up feeling trapped and suffocated. In many cases, if the daughter tries to move away or seek attention elsewhere, the mother will act out as if she were severely and intentionally rejected. It’s also normal for daughters to be subjected to inappropriate emotional and sexual details of their mother’s adult relationships. Finally, mothers with NPD tend to exhibit feelings of jealousy toward their daughters.
Impacts on a son
Mothers with NPD can use their sons to make them shine brighter in public and at home. Boys who are raised by mothers with NPD can develop doubts about their self-worth and capacity to make intelligent decisions. They may also experience difficulties maintaining adult romantic relationships with women. Sons of mothers with NPD might feel:
- Inadequate or put down
- As if they’re a pawn in the dynamics of the mother-father relationship
- Like they can never measure up to their father (after being compared to him by their mother)
- Compared to their father, often in an attempt by the mother to make the father feel inferior
How to Recover from the Effects of Having a Mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Whether you are dealing with a narcissistic father or mother, healing from narcissistic abuse takes time and patience. Regardless of how you may feel today about your past or current relationship with your mother, whether she has NPD or not, your experience is legitimate. You need to know that it’s fully possible to recover from the effects of having been raised by a mother with narcissistic personality disorder.
Learn More to Understand Her
When you understand why your mother behaves the way she does, you might find that you begin to hurt less and function better. Take some time to educate yourself about what narcissism actually is. Learn about the common misconceptions about NPD.
Step back in your mind and consciously identify the narcissistic abuse that you suffered as a result of your mother’s NPD. Understand how she affected your thoughts, views, and beliefs.
Learn about the various ways narcissism presents itself in parenting, and ask yourself what your mother must have been experiencing.
Seek Help
Recovering from being raised by a mother with NPD takes time, but it can be rewarding and restoring. Therapy will teach you that your past does not define you today. Healing will happen, allowing your self-esteem to flourish, your feelings of safety and well-being to blossom, and your confidence to rise like never before. Getting the help you need is the easy part. You just need to take that first step and reach out to an online therapist or other mental health professional who can guide you in healing.
“Working with a mental health professional who has experience in this area is incredibly important. Learning to build healthier boundaries and recognizing the hurt that was caused will help you move forward from the influences of a parent with NPD.”
Learning how to cope with a childhood affected by maternal narcissistic personality disorder has a lot to do with forgiveness. Understanding the signs of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder is the first step you can take towards your healing. Whatever the situation was in the past, trust that today is your day to move forward to a brighter, happier future.
Sources:
1. Stinson F, Dawson D, Goldstein R et al. Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Narcissistic Personality Disorder. J Clin Psychiatry. 2008;69(7):1033-1045. doi:10.4088/jcp.v69n0701. https://www.psychiatrist.com/jcp/medical/comorbidity/prevalence-correlates-disability-comorbidity-dsm-iv-narcissistic-personality-disorder-wave-2-nesarc/. Accessed January 5, 2022.
2. Ambardar, MD S. Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Practice Essentials, Background, Pathophysiology and Etiology. Emedicine.medscape.com. https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1519417-overview#a5. Published 2018. Accessed January 5, 2022.
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]]>COVID-19 was a collectively traumatic experience and it will take time to readjust. For the past year, we worried about ourselves or a loved one getting sick or even dying, while our routines and livelihoods were turned upside down to accommodate pandemic precautions. We grieved the loss of loved ones as well as the loss of life as we knew it. There is no going back to normal following a trauma; it changes the way we see ourselves, others, and the world around us. For this reason, it’s typical for anxiety to naturally follow a traumatic experience as we adjust to a new reality.
It just isn’t that easy to return to our old ways of navigating the world after avoiding our friends, co-workers, public spaces, events, and travel for so long. For over a year we have been told repeatedly that these social situations were unsafe, so it makes sense that many of us are experiencing re-entry anxiety.
What is Re-Entry Anxiety?
Re-entry anxiety is defined by feeling uneasy and anxious about returning to pre-lockdown activities and face-to-face interactions. Common symptoms of anxiety include racing thoughts, worries that feel out of control, trouble concentrating, muscle tension, an increased heart rate, avoidance, restlessness, irritability, fatigue, and difficulties getting quality sleep. Re-entry anxiety may become a problem for you if anxiety symptoms start to interfere with your ability to enjoy life and accomplish your daily tasks, or if physical symptoms intensify.
Many people are also experiencing social anxiety as they attend their first post-pandemic gatherings or return to the workplace. Social interactions may feel more tiring than usual. It can be challenging to figure out how to dress and what to talk about if you’ve spent the past year at home alone in loungewear. Individuals may also be feeling insecure about changes to their weight and physical appearance due to the stress of the pandemic. Still, others may be unsure about how to address grief, mental health challenges, job loss, or socio-economic changes in their social circle.
Tips on How to Manage Re-Entry Anxiety
Acknowledge and name what you are feeling
The first step in managing re-entry anxiety is to acknowledge what you are feeling without judgement. Emotions are not good or bad. They are simply sources of information. Name what you are feeling and let yourself feel it. For example, you might try telling yourself, “I am feeling anxious and that is okay.” It is also perfectly normal to feel more than one emotion at a time. You can be both excited to go back to your favorite coffee shop and apprehensive about being around a large group of people.
Breathe and ground yourself in the present moment
Our nervous system gets activated when we experience anxiety triggers. When our nervous system goes into “fight, flight, or freeze” mode, it can be difficult to think clearly. Consciously slowing down your breathing helps regulate your emotions so you can focus and face your fears. A simple way to do this is to practice square breathing. Inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, and hold for four counts. Repeat as needed.
Grounding exercises can also be beneficial when anxious thoughts start to spiral. Grounding exercises reconnect you to the present moment and the world around you, allowing for some distance between you and your anxious thoughts. There are lots of different types of grounding exercises, but this is one I often share with my clients:
- Name five things that you see (Books on the shelf, a picture on the wall, a tree)
- Name four things that you feel (The chair beneath you, the fabric of your shirt)
- Name three things that you hear (Traffic outside, people talking, a fan)
- Name two things that you smell (Coffee brewing, laundry detergent)
- Name one thing you can taste (Chewing gum, your toothpaste, a drink)
- Breathe in and out slowly a few times
Breathing and grounding exercises don’t take away the underlying stress or anxiety, but they do make you better equipped to handle it.
Identify small action steps
Another strategy to overcome re-entry anxiety is to identify some small actions that you can take to gradually become more comfortable with re-engaging with the world. That might be something like meeting up with a few friends outside or inviting a vaccinated neighbor over for coffee. As your comfort level increases, you can try additional activities.
Identify what’s in your control
There were so many things that felt out of our control this past year between the pandemic and social and political turmoil. One way to deal with anxiety is to identify and focus on what is actually in your control. You may not be able to control when your father-in-law finally gets his vaccination, but you can control your own wellness decisions such as getting vaccinated yourself, eating well and exercising, and prioritizing quality sleep.
Find meaning
The pandemic completely reconfigured our relationships, our routines, and our livelihoods. You might find yourself having a difficult time figuring out how to re-engage with the world. If you feel stuck, spend some time reflecting on your core values and how your priorities may have changed during the pandemic. What is important to you now? Where do you find meaning? If you value service, perhaps you could find safe ways to volunteer. If you value creativity, consider returning to an art museum or gallery exhibit.
Many of my clients have also mentioned that they are re-evaluating their connections to others as the world opens up again. Friendships that you had before the pandemic may have shifted or changed and that’s okay. Focus on investing your energy in the relationships that feel meaningful to you.
Get support
If re-entry anxiety is becoming a barrier to you living your life and doing things you enjoy, consider giving therapy a try. Therapy can give you a non-judgemental and safe place to discuss what’s on your mind, help you gain new perspectives, and support you in developing strategies to reduce anxiety. Many clients find relief in just a few sessions!
Online therapy is a convenient and affordable option for mental health services. As a therapist for Talkspace, I love checking in with my clients throughout the week, sending them resources and encouragement, and having live video sessions. I am constantly impressed with my clients’ resilience and ability to make positive change!
Healing from this emotional roller coaster we’ve been on will take some time, but there is hope. As you adjust to life post-pandemic, treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion as you would a good friend.
Wishing you continued hope and healing,
Liz
Liz Kelly, LICSW
Ask a Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. By submitting a question you are agreeing to let Talkspace use it. Full names will not be used. *In case of urgent issues, do not ask a question, call 1-800-273-8255 or go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
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]]>Q: Ever since the pandemic started, and to this day, my husband seems to have developed an intense fear around getting COVID, and now he obsessively cleans everything. He Lysols our home almost daily, washes his hands constantly, and still refuses to take the subway or any public transit to work for fear of contracting COVID, even though the vaccine is here. Is this OCD, or just normal anxiety about the pandemic? If it’s OCD, how can I help him? — Peter
Hi Peter,
I can tell this has really been on your mind, and I am sure you are concerned about your husband. It would be difficult to know whether or not he is struggling with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) without conducting an actual psychological evaluation from a mental health professional.
OCD is a psychological disorder brought on by anxiety, intense stress or fear which produces behaviors that are both obsessive and compulsive. OCD symptoms are generally brought on gradually over the course of years, but are heightened during times of intense stress. It sounds like your husband’s behavior is likely a result of the pandemic — it’s likely a common reaction to the changes we have had to make in order to adapt from this pandemic. The pandemic came on fairly quickly, and left many of us feeling a loss of control. Information about COVID-19 and vaccinations are ever changing.
In your husband’s case, wanting to keep things clean, and not wanting to take the subway are both completely understandable, given our current circumstances. If you can talk to your husband and help him rationalize why he doesn’t want to take the subway, or even get him to begin to think about when he is ready to do those things again, it will likely get better on its own.
One some level, many people have no fear regarding unclean spaces, or rituals surrounding leaving the door unlocked or the oven on before going to work or on vacation. These feelings have been heightened by the pandemic. If he can control those thoughts or think about them logically, it’s probably not OCD. If he cannot control them, or they take up at least an hour or more of his day, or cause problems with his work or routine, he might find it helpful to explore seeking professional help. In the meantime I would support your husband and try to help him work through some of his stressful thoughts and fears regarding the pandemic.
–Reshawna
Ask a Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. By submitting a question you are agreeing to let Talkspace use it. Full names will not be used. *In case of urgent issues, do not ask a question, call 1-800-273-8255 or go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
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]]>Q: After watching the Oprah interview with Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, I was sad to hear that Meghan had some serious mental health issues, and suicidal thoughts. I also sometimes think everyone would be better off without me, and I don’t know what to do. How do I deal with thoughts of suicide? – Ali
Dear Ali,
I am really proud of you for writing in to us. Whether you wrote to us out of hope that you would get the answer you need to keep pushing, or out of hopelessness that things will never change so “why not,” it still was a step of courage to allow us all to share in your journey.
I, too, watched the Oprah interview. When they were talking about Meghan’s mental health, I instantly thought to myself, “wow — matters of the mind don’t escape anyone! No wealth, popularity, love, nor whatever else can buy us out of being human.” Having thoughts of death/dying and even of suicide are actually pretty common; feeling this way does not make you crazy, or weird, or selfish. It makes you a human in need of some love, hope, and support.
One thing that I appreciate about Meghan starting up this conversation is her ability to open the door for the rest of us to speak a bit more openly about the ugly side of the mind — the side that we often hide due to fear and shame and stigma and our own self-judgments; the side that makes us feel low and less-than and broken.
Ali, you are none of these things. And while I do not know you or the people in your life who very likely love you, I do know that your life has inherent value and that your presence on this Earth is deeply meaningful regardless of what your mind is saying or how many people are in your corner.
I hope that you are in a place where you are willing and able to seek out help to challenge the lies that your mind is telling you. Whether you reach out to a Talkspace online therapist, someone else through your in-network insurance, or any of the other many resources out there, I hope that you do in fact reach out to someone so that you can start back down the path towards wellness.
Optional Resources to Include:
1. Talkspace
5. If you have insurance, their website should list in-network mental health providers
If you are experiencing a mental health emergency or are in a current state of suicidal crisis, I urge you to go to your local ER and seek immediate help.
You. Are. Worthy.
Ashley
Ask a Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. By submitting a question you are agreeing to let Talkspace use it. Full names will not be used. *In case of urgent issues, do not ask a question, call 1-800-273-8255 or go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
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]]>Q: I can tell that my partner is struggling emotionally with their mental health. They’ve become really angry and mean. When I try to talk to them about my concerns, they get teary eyed and frustrated with me. I think they have depression. What can I do to help someone I love who is clearly struggling so much with their mental health? What can I say that will actually help? – Angel
Dear Angel,
This is hard. To see our partners struggling, only to have our outreach and concern be met with more upset and anger is awful. It certainly doesn’t feel good to be pushed away from someone we care deeply about.
When someone is going through mental health challenges or suffering from mental illness, one of the markers is experiencing a lot of complex feelings, and keeping a limited perspective because of those deep feelings. There can also be a lot of shame and fear. So, bringing up the behaviors that you find concerning can be upsetting and make you feel very vulnerable. Directly addressing them seems simple enough, but it doesn’t always work because of that underlying shame and vulnerability.
It can also feel really tough for you when you can clearly see that your partner needs support but they won’t accept it. It can feel helpless and frustrating, not to mention painful. It’s so important to remember that your partner’s mental health isn’t about you personally. Though, goodness knows, it’s hurtful when they push you away. What can feel like your rejection is really their struggle. The fact is, you can’t make anyone get help or see something they aren’t ready to see or deal with just yet.
But here’s what you can do: Make intentional efforts to normalize mental health conversations and role model the behaviors you want to see from your partner.
Talk about your own mental health struggles. Share in a way that keeps it conversational and open, rather than shining a spotlight on their concerning behavior. You don’t have to shy away from reflecting on what you’re concerned about, but make sure you offer your support. Let your partner know you’re there to help and ask if they are willing to talk more.
Share any insights of what has helped you in the past. Speaking honestly creates a safe space for your partner to be vulnerable and share. It also sends the message that mental health is an integral part of our lives, and we’re not always well. A simple statement such as: “We all have hurdles, so it is less about whether we have them and more about what we do with them,” can help normalize the situation and sends a message that they aren’t alone.
Role model mental health practices yourself, in any number of categories. Practice self-care. engage in hobbies and interests. Make sure you’re clearing out any of your own mental junk through methods like journaling, writing letters, or attending therapy. Make sure you’re focused on your own goals and growth. As you role model good mental healthcare, talk about your feelings, failures and struggles. Again, it creates a safe space for your partner to share, when they’re ready.
Here’s another perspective for you to think about: Change happens when we are feeling just miserable enough. It doesn’t happen as easily (and isn’t as necessary) when things are going really well. So, my thoughts are that with some normalizing mental health and some extra focus on what keeps you feeling good, your partner may start to make those shifts on their own terms. Side note: there could also be things going on with your partner that you’re not aware of. Stay open and listen, and let them know they’re not alone.
Sending positive vibes your way,
Dr. Meaghan
Ask a Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. By submitting a question you are agreeing to let Talkspace use it. Full names will not be used. *In case of urgent issues, do not ask a question, call 1-800-273-8255 or go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
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]]>Q: It’s been one year since the pandemic hit and I still feel so overwhelmed. So many things have been such a struggle lately for me. I’m having a hard time focusing at work, and while I feel lucky to have a job, I had to take a leave of absence in grad school because I couldn’t keep up with school work anymore. I’ve never had to do anything like that before. This is awful. I feel so weak and I just moved to LA from the east coast and I don’t feel like I’ve had the chance to really settle in and get to know people. I miss my parents, my friends, and doing normal things without wearing a mask. I’ve been crying a lot lately, which is embarrassing. I’m usually a pretty optimistic person, but I just don’t feel like myself. I’m starting to wonder if I’m depressed. How do I know if I’m depressed, or if I should take anti-depressants?
Hi Liam,
It’s hard to believe it’s been one year since the pandemic began. It makes sense that you’re feeling overwhelmed right now — I can tell you have a lot on your mind. From all of the drastic changes with your work and school, to missing your family and friends, that’s a lot of change at once. It sounds to me, Liam, like you’re feeling grief. And in a time like this, it’s so normal to grieve the loss of your normal life before COVID.
There’s a number of stages of grief; and it’s not a linear process. It’s normal to cycle through feelings over a week, within a day, or within an hour. One minute you can be feeling angry that you can’t even safely step outside your door in LA without a mask anymore, and then the next minute you take a deep breath, and accept that reality, grab your mask, and head out for a walk.
On top of that it’s a huge adjustment to move. It can be tough to ‘start over’, trying to get your footing in a new neighborhood. I suspect you’re grieving, because grief comes with any major adjustment in life. We break away and ‘lose’ our daily routines, our touchpoints, or proximity to friends and comforts. Even if a move is planned as an exciting new chapter, it takes an emotional toll. Of course you might have struggled a bit, though adjusting over the course of a few months—but who could have predicted a pandemic? With so many restrictions, lack of socialization, lack of ability to cope in typical ways, this year took the emotional turmoil of a new move and turned up the volume exponentially.
Something I want you to keep in mind: our emotions and our rational mind aren’t always in sync. Things can start to appear better — restrictions lessen, new socialization opportunities come up, you’re connecting with old friends — but it doesn’t automatically mean you’ll feel better. The emotional impact may take some time to catch up to your circumstances. Human emotions don’t turn on and off like a switch. It may take some time.
You asked about depression, which is another one of these stages of grief. It’s so normal to feel really sad for a while when coping with any type of loss. But to the extent you mentioned crying a lot, and not feeling like yourself lately, I’d want to know a bit more about how long this has been going on, and how it’s impacting your day-to-day life. One way to tell if you’re struggling with depression is to speak with a therapist, who can help you answer those questions, and discuss possible solutions. Antidepressants can be a possible part of this solution, and you would want to speak with an in-person or online psychiatrist about anything mediation-related.
Talking to some trusted friends and family might feel helpful, as well as getting in some daily movement and making time for hobbies you enjoy. I want to let you know that you’re not alone here, Liam. These are incredibly difficult times for everyone, and people all around the world are feeling exactly how you’re feeling. You won’t feel this way forever. Reach out and talk about it, hold on to hope and hang in there.
-Kate
Ask a Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. By submitting a question you are agreeing to let Talkspace use it. Full names will not be used. *In case of urgent issues, do not ask a question, call 1-800-273-8255 or go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
The post Ask a Therapist: How Do I Know If I’m Depressed, or If I Should Take Anti-Depressants? appeared first on Talkspace.
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