What Causes Anger Issues?

First, if you feel like you’re constantly wondering what’s gotten you so riled up, know that you’re not alone. According to a recent survey by the Mental Health Foundation, 32% of people say they know a close friend or family member who has trouble controlling their anger, and 28% of people say they worry about how angry they sometimes feel themselves.

Many things can lead to different types of anger. Some more common reasons might include:

• Being treated unfairly
• Feeling threatened
• Frustration
• Not being respected
• Stressful daily issues, such as being stuck in traffic or paying bills

Admittedly, we live in a society where many important things are out of our control. For many of us, this can lead to frustration and, ultimately, anger. However, it’s important to recognize your anger and take note of what’s causing your feelings. Then, you can take steps to mitigate it before you lash out at someone or something.

“Not having control over situations throughout your life can create a sense of frustration or anger. Identifying these situations can help you reduce the anger and live a happier life.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, LCSWC

Potential Triggers

Being quick to feel anger is a common problem that might leave you wondering, “why do I get angry so quickly?” This question leads us to a discussion of triggers.

Many things can trigger anger. However, what triggers it in one person may not have the same effect on someone else. A lot of what determines an anger trigger can depend on someone’s past experiences, especially those from childhood.

Some of the more common anger triggers for many people include:

• Lying
• Physical threats
• Misinformation
• Frustration
• Disrespect
• Injustice
• Lack of control
• Relationship issues
• Abusive language
• Violation of your personal space

If you’re wondering “why do I get angry so easily” it’s a good idea to look at these triggers and see which ones might apply to you.

Can an Anger Problem Be Diagnosed?

While anger itself isn’t a mental health condition, there are plenty of diagnoses that feature anger as a core symptom. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) lists 5 mental health conditions that include anger as one of their core symptoms.

• Intermittent explosive disorder (IED)
• Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)
• Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD)
• Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
• Bipolar disorder

“An anger problem can be diagnosed with the help of a mental health professional who can offer you different tools and resources to heal. Looking for help may be a difficult step, but it can be the beginning of something better.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, LCSWC

What Happens if Anger is Left Untreated?

Once you know the underlying issue, it’s necessary to learn how to release anger in healthy ways. Left untreated, unresolved anger can have serious consequences, not only on your relationships but also on your physical health. Anger causes the body to release “fight-or-flight” hormones, which cause stress and over time might lead to chronic health issues like heart disease, depression, compromised immunity, and obesity.

Chronic anger can also be extremely damaging to relationships like marriages, work relationships, friendships, and day-to-day interaction with others. After all, no one enjoys being yelled at or finding themselves the target of undeserved anger and explosive outbursts. The result can also be very isolating for the person experiencing the anger as well. With that said, it’s important to seek professional help and consider enrolling in anger management classes.

“Untreated anger can be detrimental to the person experiencing it and those around them. It can lead to more severe problems such as anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. Therapy can help alleviate these symptoms.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, LCSWC

What Can I Do?

Much of the time, managing anger on your own is possible, as long as you have the right tools in place. Generally speaking, several calming techniques can be very effective in keeping your anger in check before it gets out of control. You can try any of the following at home to help you navigate and diffuse your anger in a healthy manner. 

• Use problem-solving skills: Often, our anger is the result of a problem that gets the best of us. If it’s something you can address and change, you might find that your anger dissipates more easily. For example, if you know that certain things tend to trigger you, have a plan ready to enact the next time you’re faced with a challenging situation. 
• Take a break: It’s amazing how much a simple timeout can do. Walk away, count to 10, or ask for a break if you feel rage bubbling up and you know that your anger is about to take over. There’s no shame in recognizing when you’re at a breaking point, and taking the time you need to calm down and get your emotions back under control is actually a huge sign of growth if you struggle with anger. 
• Focus on communicating: Communication skills are something that more people than not find challenging. When you learn how to communicate effectively, you can lessen the chance that you’re misunderstood by others, which can lead to confrontation and spark anger. 
• Use cognitive restructuring: Cognitive restructuring is a step-by-step therapeutic process that teaches you how to change negative thought processes into more positive ones. It can be particularly effective in dealing with angry emotions because altering your anger response is critical in managing how angry you allow yourself to become. A therapist can help you learn cognitive restructuring techniques that you can implement on your own as needed. 
• Relaxation strategies: Deep breathing exercises, yoga, meditating, and working out are all great ways to channel your energy and distract you from your anger.

Keep in mind, though, that if your anger is to the point that you feel you can no longer manage it in a healthy way, or if it’s affecting your work, relationships, or quality of life, getting professional help is essential. 

Seeking Professional Help to Manage Anger

If you’re wondering, “why do I feel angry all the time?” it may be time to seek the help of a mental health professional and seek anger therapy. Therapy, particularly cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), can help you identify anger triggers so you can manage or diffuse your anger response. Therapy can also teach you skills to redirect your anger, channeling it through healthier outlets like journaling for mental health or getting involved in social activism. These tools can help you become productive with your emotions, rather than lashing out at the people around you.

To find a therapist who has experience in anger management, speak with your primary care physician for a recommendation or do some research.  

Your doctor might recommend online therapy, which can be an easy and accessible way to start talking with a mental health professional. Talkspace is an online therapy platform that makes therapy convenient, accessible, and affordable. With a Talkspace therapist, you can learn effective techniques to answer common questions and overcome anger issues. 

Sources:

1. Why am I so angry?. Nhsinform.scot. https://www.nhsinform.scot/healthy-living/mental-wellbeing/anger-management/why-am-i-so-angry. Published 2021. Accessed July 2, 2022. 

2. Latest APA survey reveals deepening concerns about connection between chronic disease and stress. https://www.apa.org. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2012/01/chronic-disease. Published 2012. Accessed July 2, 2022.

6 Common Causes of Anger

Some known reasons for anger can include:

• Stress or stressful situations 
• Frustration
• Unfair treatment
• Feeling attacked
• Being disrespected
• An underlying mental health condition

Despite the fact that these are all common causes of anger for many people, there can also be underlying feelings that lead to anger. It’s important to point out that there’s a significant difference between anger and aggression, something else that’s not always understood.  

“Anger is a very common emotion that often gets a bad rap. It’s important to note that there is a large difference between anger and aggression. Feelings of anger are often rooted in disappointment, feeling overwhelmed, fear, and feelings of inadequacy that may need to be addressed before the anger can subside.”

Talkspace therapist Ashley Ertel, LCSW, BCD, C-DBT

Conditions That Can Cause Anger Issues

Understanding exactly what causes anger can be difficult. While specific events may result in you feeling angry, there are also root causes of anger issues that can develop as early as childhood.

A recent study concluded that the prevalence of intense, inappropriate, or poorly-controlled anger in the general population is estimated to be almost 8%. Though everyone experiences anger occasionally, persistent and uncontrolled anger is not as common. Nearly 90% of the people in the study who exhibited uncontrolled anger met the criteria for at least one psychiatric disorder.

The truth is, mental health conditions often contribute to how angry someone gets and might be the underlying causes of anger issues for a lot of people. 

Depression 

Many people, and even some doctors, think of depression solely as feelings of sadness combined with a lack of motivation. Anger is commonly overlooked as a symptom. Even the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), which is the diagnostic go-to book for mental health providers, omits anger as a symptom of depression.

The reality is, though, that anger is a common symptom of depression, whether it’s expressed outwardly or hidden.

One study found that the presence of “anger attacks” in people with depression is approximately 30% to 40%.

OCD

There are several types of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). They all have varying degrees of unwanted images or thoughts (obsessions) that cause someone to act (compulsions) in effort to stop their intrusive thought patterns. The condition usually consists of symptoms such as:

• Fear of germs, dirt, or contamination
• The need for things to be orderly and symmetrical
• Unwanted thoughts about losing control and harming self or others

However, anger is also commonly prevalent in those living with OCD. In a recent study, half of the subjects with OCD experienced anger attacks.

Alcohol abuse

Alcohol use disorder, also known as AUD, is an umbrella term for alcoholism, alcohol abuse, alcohol dependence, and alcohol addiction. As of 2019, over 14.5  million people over the age of 12 in the United States were living with AUD.

Because alcohol is a psychoactive drug, it alters your feelings and mood. For example, intoxicated people may feel more joyful, outgoing, or, yes, angry. The prevalence of anger among people who use tobacco, alcohol, or illegal substances is high.

The connection between alcohol and anger is cyclical. Someone who’s angry might drink heavily to self-medicate, but alcohol abuse can in turn cause irritation, hostility, and sometimes more intense aggression. The cycle can often continue unless treatment is available for alcohol abuse and the underlying reasons for anger.

ADHD

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a condition that causes a lack of focus and, in some people, hyperactivity. Many people aren’t aware that anger and frustration are also huge parts of an ADHD diagnosis.

While the diagnostic criteria for ADHD don’t include anger, it’s a fundamental part of ADHD for many children and adults. ADHD is known to cause difficulty regulating mood — whether that be anger, hyperactivity, excitement, or aggression.

It’s estimated that about 70% of adults report problems with regulating emotions.

Bipolar disorder 

Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition that causes alternating periods of mania and depression — sometimes to severe degrees. Many people with bipolar disorder also experience bipolar rage.

This extreme anger can be very difficult, as it’s unpredictable and unstable. Often, there’s no reason or trigger for what causes anger in people with bipolar disorder, and it can show up without warning.

Two studies from the same research team (2012 and 2014) found that people with bipolar disorder show more episodes of rage and anger than those without the condition.

ODD

Oppositional defiance disorder (ODD) is a mental health condition most often diagnosed in children. The most common behavioral symptoms are defiance and hostility toward authority figures, parents, and peers.

Many times, children with ODD have frequent anger and resentment.

Intermittent explosive disorder

Intermittent explosive disorder (IED) has some symptoms that overlap with ODD, but they’re different conditions. Someone with IED will have severe and recurrent outbursts of anger along with:

• Defiance
• Physical aggression towards peers, parents, or authority figures
• Harming animals and property
• Self-harm

While intermittent explosive disorder is not as well known as some other mental health conditions, it reportedly affects over 7% of adults in the United States.

Grief 

Everyone experiences grief at some point in their lives. It’s the emotional suffering in response to the loss of someone or something in your life.

While grief is often marked by feelings of sadness and hopelessness, with certain types of grief — for example, when someone is widowed — the odds of anger are significantly higher.

It doesn’t have to be grief over the loss of a spouse, though, to cause anger. The death of a loved one is often followed by significant changes, like the need to move to a new place, a change in financial status, or a change in social status. It’s common for any of these changes to cause anger. In fact, anger is one of the stages of grief that most people go through. 

Working Through the Root of Your Anger

While it can be scary to have a sudden angry outburst, take comfort in knowing that it’s not all that uncommon. What matters more is how to release anger. If it reaches a point where you ask yourself, “Why am I so angry all the time?” then start to consider whether there’s more to your anger. 

That said, if your anger is starting to feel like it’s out of control, so much so that at times it turns into displaced anger or uncontrolled anger, it might be time to get help through anger therapy. An anger problem is very treatable, once you recognize what is causing it. If you aren’t sure what to do next, a therapist can help you work through your feelings, history, and current circumstances and give you the tools you need to move forward. They can even teach you anger management techniques.

“Taking the time to understand your anger is critical. While anger often feels fiery hot and like an unsafe emotion, it’s important to sit with it and allow it to exist long enough for it to subside and make room for healing.”

Talkspace therapist Ashley Ertel, LCSW, BCD, C-DBT

Everyone’s anger is different, and so is the cause. You can get the help you need in understanding and resolving your anger from a qualified, experienced therapist, like those at Talkspace. We’re an online therapy platform that’s helping people just like you learn to deal with and manage their anger before it takes hold of their life. 

Why People Misdirect Anger 

It is important to be able to answer “Why am I so angry.” Whether someone internalizes or externalizes their anger, it’s essential to try and understand why the behavior is taking place or what causes anger in the first place. Displacement of anger is often rooted in the past, based on negative childhood experiences such as:

• Being bullied
• Sexual or physical abuse
• Physical or emotional neglect
• Domestic abuse in the home
• Divorce
• Trauma
• Emotional triggers like work, family, and day-to-day stresses

Adverse childhood stress can affect people’s ability to control or regulate emotions. Research shows that it can also significantly impact the brain regions supporting these skills. For example, we know that children who experience trauma or abuse seem to have more difficulty with anger displacement as adults.

Young kids often think their parents or guardians are heroes, making it hard for them to accept that there is something wrong with them. Kids, in turn, think the problem lies with them, which can lead to this displaced anger.

“Misdirected anger is an unconscious defense mechanism used to display anger and aggression toward individuals who are not involved in the stressors that are causing the anger. It usually occurs because the individual has poor coping skills and/or poor impulse control.”

Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

The Effects of Misdirected Anger

Whether anger is misdirected toward someone or held internally, it can negatively impact your life. Regardless of how it displays, displaced aggression can ruin your relationships, self-worth, and career, significantly diminishing your quality of life.

Relationship issues

When you struggle with misguided anger in a romantic relationship, you might use your partner as an emotional punching bag. Unfortunately, this can eat away at the basis of your relationship, eroding trust and diminishing intimacy and closeness.

It’s not just romantic partners who may face the brunt of it though. Family members are often the subject of misplaced anger as well. Your family can be at the center of the storm, simply because they’re there, and it can be easy to lash out at them. Continual anger can cause any type of relationship to break.

Sadly, it’s common for children to be on the receiving end of misplaced anger. People with displaced anger are often harsher with their children, making them the targets of their frustration. Unfortunately, this can have lasting adverse effects on children.

Workplace issues

If you fail to deal with your anger properly, it might result in altercations at work. The fall out can cause coworkers to be reluctant to work with you, or worse. If you can’t learn to appropriately manage your anger, your career may be at stake.

“Continued use of this defense mechanism can cause issues within the relationships where the individual is targeting the anger. It could lead to more fights with others. It can also have a ripple effect within the relationships involved where the misdirected anger is perpetuated.”

Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

If any of the above resonates with you, and you’re ready to make a change, the tips below can help you alter your behavior so you can begin to manage anger in a healthy, productive way. 

6 Tips to Manage Displaced Anger

Though it may be challenging, it is possible to manage displaced anger. The next time you feel anger bubbling up, try:

1. Walking away from the situation
2. Find a heathier way to process your anger
3. Relaxing
4. Calling a friend or family member
5. Putting yourself in their shoes
6. Coming back to the conversation calm
7. See a therapist

Walk away 

While it may be tempting to try and rectify the situation after an angry outburst, it’s best to walk away. Talking to someone in the heat of the moment is not productive and may worsen the situation, especially if you’re at fault and have just been heated in anger. 

Find a healthier way to process your anger

Search for a healthier way to express your anger or channel it through other less self-destructive habits, whether it be punching a pillow, taking kickboxing classes, painting, etc. Some people feel physically charged when they’re angry and need a way to release and blow off steam.

Relax

After you’ve walked away, it’s essential to relax. Do whatever relaxes you — take a short walk, sit outside in the sunshine, breathe deeply, meditate, or do yoga. Relaxing after an episode of anger displacement can be key to moving forward and understanding the situation.

Call a friend or family member

Once you’re relaxed, it might help to call a friend or family member to talk about the situation. An loved one may help you see things from the other person’s point of view, especially if they know you’re struggling and trying to change.

Put yourself in their shoes

Often, it helps to try to put yourself in the receiving end’s shoes. Ask yourself:

• Did they deserve your anger? 
• Were they in the wrong place at the wrong time? 
• Did they have a bad day and accidentally trigger you? 
• Was your anger toward them justified?

Come back to the conversation calm and clear-headed

At this point, hopefully, you’re calm and clear-headed, and it’s okay to come back to the conversation. You probably want to apologize to them for your anger and explain that you were wrong and they shouldn’t have been the actual recipient of your frustration. 

See a therapist

If these situations happen frequently, a therapist can help you work through the potential causes of your displaced aggression. Once you know the reasons for your behavior, it can be much easier to recognize triggers, including thoughts or words, and avoid angry outbursts.

“As in other stressful situations, it’s important to disengage from others that the anger is being directed towards. Taking ‘time outs’ to calm down or implement self care techniques are extremely helpful.”

Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

Everyone experiences anger from time to time. It’s a natural emotion, and sometimes, it’s warranted. Like anything else in life, though, there’s a time and place for anger. There are also appropriate and inappropriate ways to express it. 

Many people get angry with spouses or loved ones when they weren’t the ones who did anything wrong. However, if you notice that your anger is consistently misguided towards others, it’s a good idea to seek help. Therapy can help you recognize why you have anger in the first place and then teach you how to develop a plan. With the right therapist, you can learn to appropriately act on your emotions in the future. 

If you’re ready to deal with displaced anger and are looking for help, Talkspace is there for you. Our online therapy platform is the perfect place for you to get therapy that’s effective, affordable, and convenient. When you have the right tools in place, you can become a more peaceful, positive person, and your misdirected anger can become a thing of your past. 

Sources:

1. Pechtel P, Pizzagalli D. Effects of early life stress on cognitive and affective function: an integrated review of human literature. Psychopharmacology (Berl). 2010;214(1):55-70. doi:10.1007/s00213-010-2009-2. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00213-010-2009-2. Accessed July 1, 2022.

2. De Brito S, Viding E, Sebastian C et al. Reduced orbitofrontal and temporal grey matter in a community sample of maltreated children. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. 2012;54(1):105-112. doi:10.1111/j.1469-7610.2012.02597.x. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1469-7610.2012.02597.x. Accessed July 1, 2022.

How Do I Work on Anger in My Relationship?

The most important part of learning how to control anger and frustration in a relationship is identifying your triggers and then coming up with strategic ways to react. 

Feeling like you’re in control of your emotions can be a game-changer in your relationship. Use some of the following tips if you want to know how to change your relationship with anger that might be preventing you and your partner from growing together as a couple. 

Anger management tips 

Think before speaking

Knee-jerk reactions can be terrible when you’re already feeling angry. Learning to take a minute or two and taking a deep breath before responding can do wonders for your relationship. Something as as taking a deep breath really does work. Try counting to 10 if you find it difficult to regain your composure. 

This practice can be a useful communication exercise for couples. Eventually with enough practice, you’ll be able to let go of your anger and react in a calm manner that can be more productive and conducive to finding common ground.

Keep calm and say how you’re feeling

After you’ve given yourself a moment or two to calm down and assess the situation, you should be able to identify what you’re really feeling. In a calm manner, explain to your partner why you’re so upset. 

It’s OK to be direct and assertive, but avoid the temptation to be confrontational. If you’re angry that your partner was late to dinner again, using an “I statement,” let them know “I’m upset that you’re late for dinner again. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel like I’m not a priority to you.”

Cognitive restructuring

Understanding how and why we think the way we do can help us change those parts of our behavior. Anger can make us more dramatic and irrational and cause us to say things we don’t mean. By focusing on how we react, avoiding using phrases like always and never, we can recreate how we react to situations. Cognitive restructuring (also known as cognitive reframing), is a common cognitive behavioral technique that helps us turn negative reactions into more positive ones. 

Seek a couples therapist

A couples therapist can help you and your partner uncover the root of anger in your relationship. More importantly, they can help you both work on ways to deal with anger in disagreements or when your partner does something that upsets you. This way, you and your partner can actively work on improving your relationship and minimizing the occurrences of anger outbursts.

Walk away

There are those times when yes, you’re going to be very angry. You might need more than just a minute. A deep breath may not do the trick. That’s OK. Knowing when it’s time to walk away is just as important as understanding what your anger trigger is. Physically leaving the room or space you’re in if you need to may give you enough time to collect your thoughts and try to let go of your anger before you attempt to re-approach the situation.

Humor can help

Sometimes your anger can make situations worse than they need to be. Humor can beis always a good technique and tactic to defuse situations. If you can use that first tip to pause for a beat, you might be able to pull something funny out of the situation and react to that, rather than your anger. Humor can be inappropriate in certain situations so be mindful of how your partner is feeling and tread lightly.

Note: we are not talking about sarcasm here, which can be hurtful.

Let go, and mean it

Just like your partner holding a grudge might be an anger trigger for you, if you find that you can’t let go of your own anger, you might want to focus on being able to forgive. Negativity can quickly push out positive and healthy emotions. Feeling overwhelmed with being bitter can mean you need to think about forgiving your partner for whatever they did that upset you. 

Forgiveness can be quite powerful. It means you can let go, and part of what you’re letting go of might be some of your unresolved anger issues. 

Having a serious conversation with your partner can help you resolve issues and learn to let go. 

Learn relaxation techniques

Mindfulness and relaxation skills are beneficial in many areas of our life. Particularly if you’re learning anger management in relationships, deep breathing exercises, visualization, and the use of mantras can be incredibly empowering. 

Yoga is another relaxation technique that many people who struggle with excessive anger use to decompress. Any time you’re focusing on yourself and taking care of your own mental health, you’ll probably find that you can be more in control of your anger.

Work out

It’s a well-known and proven fact that exercise reduces stress that can manifest into anger. Particularly if you’re going through a difficult time in your relationship, sometimes removing yourself from the situation and getting your heart rate up by going for a walk, run, or bike ride can help. 

Anger can be a healthy emotion, but when it interferes with your relationship and life, you need to learn how to control it. Whether it’s knowing how to control jealousy and anger in a relationship, or it’s any other feeling that’s coming between you and your partner, getting your emotions under control is one of the healthiest things you might ever do.

“Keeping a journal or exercising help release our negative feelings and prevent bottled anger from exploding when we are angry. Additionally, removing yourself from an upsetting situation can be more productive than staying in it when we are angry; we cannot take back what is said in anger.

Know that help is available in the form of individual, family, and group therapy. Looking for a professional when we realize there is a problem can prevent us from doing something that we may regret.

Above all, remember that anger is a ‘normal’ and common feeling; we are human beings. Knowing how to manage it demonstrates maturity and love for yourself and others.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S

Sources:

1. Exercise for Stress and Anxiety | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA. Adaa.org. https://adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/managing-anxiety/exercise-stress-and-anxiety. Published 2021. Accessed December 11, 2021.

2. Controlling Anger — Before It Controls You. https://www.apa.org. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control. Published 2005. Accessed December 11, 2021.

Signs of Anger Issues in Teens

Teenagers are known for their mood swings. They can be difficult to communicate with, often seem stand-offish, and willing to argue or fight with you at any given moment. There’s more to it, too. If you have an angry teen with any of the following signs, you might be feeling desperate for help. 

Signs of anger issues in a teenager:

• Excessively arguing with you, their siblings, or others in their life
• Physical aggression
• Increased moodiness
• Verbal threats
• Violent anger outbursts
• Irrational behavior or thoughts
• Emotional outbursts
• Screaming, yelling, or otherwise lashing out
• Bullying others
• Self-harming

What Causes Anger Issues in a Teenager?

You probably won’t be surprised to learn that a large portion of teenage anger issues come from hormones. The feeling of rage teens experience can be overwhelming. They often don’t know how to properly manage their emotions in general. Add in the out-of-control feelings anger can trigger, and it’s not uncommon for a teen to feel confused about why they’re feeling the way they do. 

Another element that’s important to address is teenagers’ evolving brains. Since the brain isn’t fully developed by the teen years, how it processes information can be very different from how an adult brain might. In fact, the brain doesn’t reach full maturity until the mid-20s. 

The teenage brain

The frontal cortex is the part of the brain that’s responsible for reasoning. It also helps us make decisions, manage emotions, and control our inhibitions. It’s this part of the brain that undergoes a massive transformation throughout the teen years. 

Scientists have found that long before the frontal cortex is fully developed, the part of the brain known as the amygdala is what controls immediate reactions like fear, and, you guessed it, aggression or anger.  

The underlying lesson here is that a teenager’s brain simply cannot function like an adult’s brain can. Combine the changing frontal cortex with hormones, and we have a recipe for teen anger and mood swings at incredible levels. 

It’s important to note, though, that the root of anger for many teens can really be another emotion entirely. Frustration, hurt, sadness, and powerlessness can all manifest as anger when teens aren’t sure what to do with or how to process their emotions. 

Still, anger is a true emotion that we all need to learn how to handle appropriately. There are healthier ways to express (and get over) our anger, so understanding specific coping techniques is essential for all of us, not just teenagers.   

Tips to Help Your Teen Cope with Anger

Learning how you can help your teenager deal with anger might be one of the best things you ever do for them (and for your relationship). Coping skills aimed at managing intense emotions like anger are something we carry throughout our life. They can serve us in virtually all relationships — from friendships, to romantic partners, to teacher-student relationships, to coworkers and superiors, to familial connections, and more. 

Tip #1: Recognize the signs of teen depression

Sometimes anger can be a sign of something deeper going on, like depression. Recognizing the signs of depression in teenagers is key. It might help you get to the root of the anger while also addressing the deeper issue of teen depression. 

Look for:

• New school patterns that develop, including a dip in grades, dropping out of activities your teen once enjoyed, increasing concentration problems, or low energy
• Drug or other substance use or abuse
• Running away from home
• Excessive use of smartphones or other technology — often to the point of addiction.
• Sudden or decreased self-esteem issues
• Violent behaviors, especially in teen boys
• Reckless tendencies, including high-risk behaviors like binge drinking, unsafe driving, or engaging in unprotected sex

Tip #2: Connect on a deeper level

It might feel incredibly difficult but connecting with your teenager can be one of the best ways to help them manage their anger. Even if it feels like your child wants nothing to do with you, all teenagers need and want love and approval from their parents. 

Encouraging open communication is a good way to try and connect with your teenager. Face-to-face interactions are often the best way to connect on that deeper level. 

• Try to remain calm and not stressed during your time together. 
• Reinforce the idea that you’re there for your teenager.
• If you can, look for ways to bond by finding something to do that interests your teen. Do they love sports? Watch a game together. Is shopping one of their favorite pastimes? Suggested a day out together. 

When you spend time doing things your teenager cares about and is engaged in, it creates a safe, comfortable space for them to open up.

Most importantly, make sure it’s abundantly clear to your teen that your time together is judgment-free. When they’re opening up to you, you want them to feel heard. Let them know you understand their feelings. Make eye-contact and be as engaged as possible in the conversation. 

Tip #3: Focus on balance

To say teens today are over scheduled is an understatement. They can be on the go from the crack of dawn into the late hours of the night. A lack of sleep, combined with intense pressures and expectations can add to feeling overwhelmed or just having a general sense of anger.

Help your teen work towards balance in their life. Whether that means taking short brain breaks where they can put the pencil down every few hours (or close the laptop), or it means taking up yoga, meditation, or something else that can help calm the mind, being aware of how stressed we are, and taking action to decompress is a life-long skill that can help well beyond the teen years. 

Tip #4: Teach self care 

Adding on to the previous idea of finding and maintaining balance, helping your teen understand the importance of self care can be incredibly beneficial. When it’s instilled from a young age, teens can become engrained with the idea that “me time” is important, whether we’re 15, or 50. 

Encourage your teenager to read for pleasure, get outdoors for a walk, watch a movie, or do anything else that’s just for them. Even a 15-30 minute break in a regularly hectic schedule can do a world of good for the mood. 

Eating healthy is another part of self care that’s important during the teen years. A balanced diet can help with mood, energy levels, concentration and focus, and motivation. Help your teen by having fresh fruit, high-protein, low-sugar snacks available. Limit how much processed foods you keep on hand. 

Finally, healthy sleep habits that are developed during the adolescent years can be helpful throughout the rest of your teen’s life. Understanding the importance of sleep is crucial. When we’re tired, everything from our ability to fight off sickness, to how well we can concentrate on tasks at hand can be affected. 

Tip #5: Get active

Research shows that getting your heart rate up is good for the mood. In fact, people who do at least some form of physical activity regularly have mood boosting effects.  

If you have a teenager who struggles with extreme anger or has an inability to control their rage, encourage them to get active. You don’t need an expensive gym membership or fancy equipment to focus on your health. Going for a run, taking a brisk walk, or creating a simple circuit training routine with little to no workout equipment are all ways you can get the blood pumping and the attitude adjusted.

Tip #6: Find creative outlets

Creativity is good for the soul and for a positive attitude. Drawing, painting, sculpting, music, theater…anything creative that resonates with your teenager can help them learn to manage their anger. Some teens may even find they’re able to channel anger in an expressive manner through a creative outlet. Art, theater, and music can all stem from inspiration that comes from anger (or any other emotion).

Tip #7: Identify triggers

Knowing what sets us off is powerful. When a teenager can identify what upsets them, they can try to avoid it. Better yet, they can practice managing triggers so they can navigate anger in a healthy way rather than letting it control their life. 

Tips for Parents of an Angry Teenager

There are several ways parents can help angry teenagers. Don’t be deterred by any resistance your teen shows, either. They may not be able to aptly express what your help means to them, but deep down, they’ll know (even if they can’t admit it today) that you’re coming from a place of love and concern. 

“Families that identify the issue as family anger, and seek help as a family rather than singling out the teen as the problem, usually have better outcomes.”

Talkspace Therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD 

Listen to your teen’s emotions

For this to be effective, you need to not just listen, but also really hear what your teen is saying. Reassure them that you get it. Validate their feelings and help them see that they’re not wrong, per se, for feeling angry — especially if they’ve experienced an injustice. We all feel angry when things aren’t fair. Try to relate to them and let them know that you understand. 

Avoid criticizing their decisions

As hard as it may be, avoid criticizing your teenager for their choices. You can let them know, using positive words and language, that there are other options for them. Role playing and talking openly about other decisions they can make in the future might help. 

Even if you vehemently disagree with your teenager, take a pause, count to 10, and remember that the goal is to connect with them. If they see your response as critical, it might make it harder for them to open up in the future. 

Remember that me time isn’t just for teens

Let’s face it…raising kids can be really hard! Remember to practice what you preach and give yourself some much-needed self care, too. Making time for yourself so you can regroup and refresh will help you be more patient and more understanding when dealing with your angry teenager. Talk with other parents who are experiencing the same age and phase you are, and be sure to remind yourself: this will pass. 

When to Seek Help for Your Teen’s Anger Issues

While anger is a normal emotion we all experience from time to time, and it can even be healthy in certain circumstances, it can become problematic if it’s extreme or if a teen or a young person just can’t seem to get it under control. 

“Normal adolescent behavior can involve detachment from family and gravitation toward peers. When the detachment involves erratic emotional assaults against themselves or others, or a complete lack of attachment toward family and activities that they used to enjoy, help is available.”

Talkspace Therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

When is it time to get help? If you feel your teenager’s anger has passed the point of healthy anger, seeking professional help is smart. 

Anger management therapy, expressive or art therapy, and even group therapy settings can all be beneficial places for teens to learn more about their emotions of anger. A therapist will also be able to identify places where uncontrolled anger may be related to a mental health condition that might need skilled intervention and support. 

Sources:

1. Teen Brain: Behavior, Problem Solving, and Decision Making. Aacap.org. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/The-Teen-Brain-Behavior-Problem-Solving-and-Decision-Making-095.aspx. Published 2016. Accessed November 29, 2021.

2.Harvard Health Publishing. (2019, May 1). More evidence that exercise can boost mood. Harvard Health https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/more-evidence-that-exercise-can-boost-mood. Published May 2019. Accessed December 10, 2021.

2. Adolescent Brain Development. Ithaca: ACT for Youth Upstate Center of Excellence Cornell University Family Life Development Center; 2002:1-3. https://www.actforyouth.net/resources/rf/rf_brain_0502.pdf. Accessed November 29, 2021.