Sources:

1. Bao W, Qian Y, Fei W, et al. Bullying victimization and suicide attempts among adolescents in 41 low- and middle-income countries: Roles of sleep deprivation and body mass. Frontiers in Public Health. 2023;11. doi:10.3389/fpubh.2023.1064731. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpubh.2023.1064731/full. Accessed January 27, 2024. 
2. Man X, Liu J, Xue Z. Effects of bullying forms on adolescent mental health and protective factors: A global cross-regional research based on 65 countries. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. 2022;19(4):2374. doi:10.3390/ijerph19042374. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8874992/. Accessed January 27, 2024. 
3. Schlegel RJ, Hicks JA, Arndt J, King LA. Thine own self: True self-concept accessibility and meaning in life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 2009;96(2):473-490. doi:10.1037/a0014060. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4714566/. Accessed January 27, 2024. 

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“Take the lead from BIPOC when possible. Speak up when and if an opportunity arises to educate white individuals about racism and discrimination. Learn about your biases and work through them.”

– Talkspace therapist Reshawna Chapple, PhD, LCSW

Coping With Effects of Racism Through Talkspace

Experiencing racial discrimination can cause lasting trauma. Learning how to deal with racism, however, can help us begin to minimize the damage. There are many ways to combat the effects of racism, from turning to a support network to focusing on self-care, to being an ally in the face of injustice. 

If racial discrimination is taking a toll on your mental health, or if you see it affecting someone you know, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Therapy can be an effective resource that helps you challenge the racism you might feel or see in your community. 

At Talkspace, you can connect with a therapist who can offer some much-needed support. With the guidance you’ll get through therapy, you’ll be able to develop coping strategies that will help you in every aspect of your life. 

Sources:

1. Wallace S, Nazroo J, Bécares L. Cumulative Effect of Racial Discrimination on the Mental Health of Ethnic Minorities in the United Kingdom. Am J Public Health. 2016;106(7):1294-1300. doi:10.2105/ajph.2016.303121. https://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/abs/10.2105/AJPH.2016.303121?journalCode=ajph. Accessed September 26, 2022.

2. Williams D, Mohammed S. Discrimination and racial disparities in health: evidence and needed research. J Behav Med. 2008;32(1):20-47. doi:10.1007/s10865-008-9185-0. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19030981/. Accessed September 26, 2022.

3. Townsend S, Kim H, Mesquita B. Are You Feeling What I’m Feeling? Emotional Similarity Buffers Stress. Soc Psychol Personal Sci. 2013;5(5):526-533. doi:10.1177/1948550613511499. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1948550613511499. Accessed September 26, 2022.

4. Hamer M, Endrighi R, Poole L. Physical Activity, Stress Reduction, and Mood: Insight into Immunological Mechanisms. Methods in Molecular Biology. 2012:89-102. doi:10.1007/978-1-62703-071-7_5. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22933142/. Accessed September 26, 2022.

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Adult bullying often looks different from the types of bullying we hear more about amongst children. Learn ways to recognize the behaviors of adult bullies and how to deal with adult bullies.

If you are experiencing bullying, you can always seek an online therapist for help dealing with it.

Types of Adult Bullies 

Bullying and harassment are very similar. In fact, the two terms are often used interchangeably. While harassment can be classified as a form of bullying behavior, the term bullying describes an ongoing pattern of behavior. There are many types of adult bullies, which we’re discussing in detail below. 

The verbal bully

These bullies intentionally harm their victims with words. Verbal bullying may include subjecting a target to insults, harsh criticism, or persistent teasing. In some cases, verbal bullies might threaten or use racist, misogynistic, homophobic, or other intimidating, offensive language. 

The passive-aggressive adult bully

Passive-aggressive behavior can be a way for adult bullies to lash out at others indirectly. They may use gossip, hurtful jokes, or sarcasm to attack. Bullies who engage in this behavior often deny that they’re doing anything wrong, which can make the bullying victim doubt their own feelings. 

The physical adult bully

While these bullies may physically attack victims, they also might engage in violent and intimidating behavior. For example, a bully may throw or break objects. In some cases, physical bullies will simulate violence and laugh or mock an adult victim if they seem threatened.

The tangible/material adult bully

Adults who engage in tangible bullying have power or authority over their victims. A bully could be the boss or manager or have material power, like financial control over an adult victim. Even if you know how to deal with adult bullies you may feel helpless if your bully is someone who holds power over you.

The adult cyberbully

Approximately 40% of adults have experienced online harassment. In some cases that harassment evolves into cyberbullying. A victim of cyberbullying may be attacked or sent harassing messages via email, social messaging, or text messaging. Cyberbullies also engage in behavior like cyberstalking. If you’re being harassed by a cyberbully, check out these tips for how to deal with cyberbullying.

“There are many ways that adult bullying can show up. “Karens” became a term describing someone harassing a person of color by calling the police on them for situations that were not illegal. The “Karen” knowing that police would elicit a harsh response for the non-white individual makes it an example of adult bullying.”

Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

Handling Adult Bullies 

Bullies often inflict significant harm on their victims. Not only can bullying damage self-esteem and have an impact on mental health, but adults who are bullied are also at increased risk for health issues like Type 2 diabetes and heart disease. For your own health and the health of others, it’s important to learn how to deal with bullying as an adult. 

Handling bullying as the one being bullied

When you’re being bullied, you should prioritize your safety and well-being. If possible, remove yourself from the situation and cut the bully out of your life. In situations where you can’t avoid a bully, you should work to build a strong support system. 

Some bullying behavior falls under criminal harassment, but in many cases, it’s unfortunately not illegal. Despite this, you should document any and all instances of bullying. If the bullying escalates, you can include this documentation in your police report or formal complaint.

“Being the target of a bully can be extremely stressful. It can bring about suicidal or homicidal thoughts. It’s very important to be vocal and express the events that are happening and your emotional reaction to them until there is relief, from both your emotional state and the bullying.”

Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

Handling bullying as the bystander

If you witness bullying, you should do what you can to protect the victim. In cases where it’s safe to do so, you may want to call out the bully or question their aggressive behavior. Many bullies will immediately back down when they’re confronted by a group.

Even if you’re not comfortable confronting a bully directly, you can reach out to the victim and let them know that they have your support. Walk with the victim, so it’s harder for the bully to find them alone. Let them know that you’ll support them or provide a witness statement if they choose to report their bully.

Bullying at work 

Workplace bullying is a very common type of adult bullying. If you’ve been bullied at work, document all instances in detail. When you’re targeted by a workplace bully, let them know that their adult bullying behavior isn’t appropriate and that you won’t tolerate it.

If the bullying persists, report the behavior to your supervisor or human resources (HR). You may want to read up on company policies so you can clearly identify prohibited behaviors. Bullying can be costly for employers, which is why many companies have a no-tolerance policy. 

While reporting bullying often leads to a positive outcome, some workplaces will ignore the information. Don’t be afraid to escalate the situation. In extreme cases, you may want to consult with a lawyer to find out what your legal options are. 

The Effect of Bullying on Mental Health as an Adult

Being bullied as an adult can cause massive distress. Many adults who are victims of bullying experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). A bully can shatter someone’s confidence, making them anxious, paranoid, and stressed. 

While bullying clearly harms victims, it can also be damaging to bystanders. People who witness bullying in the workplace might be more likely to develop symptoms of depression. Bystanders may feel angry or upset if they fail to react, and they may be fearful that they’ll be targeted in the future.

Bullying can cause stress levels to skyrocket, leading to a significant decline in mental health. Stress can interfere with sleep and increase anxiety and irritability. These issues can persist even after bullying has stopped.

“Bullying can have a lasting effect on our self-esteem and how we see the world long after the harassing events have taken place. Therapy can provide a safe space to process through the thoughts and feelings that come up during that time.”

Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

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The official U.S. government website on bullying highlights that suicide is rarely the result of bullying and suggests the generalization linking the two is an oversimplification. The more complex story is how we function as adults after a childhood or adolescence marked by shame.

Shame is an emotion that many of us don’t talk about, even when it wreaks havoc on our lives. It refers to a deeply rooted core belief that something about us is intrinsically wrong. There’s a high likelihood that we don’t even realize what we’re feeling is ‘shame’ and instead we might use words like ‘guilt’ or ’embarrassment.’

The difference, however, between shame, guilt, and embarrassment is crucial. Guilt occurs when we don’t like our own behaviour, usually about something we’ve done. Guilt asks for an apology. Embarrassment happens when we find ourselves in an awkward situation, but we can usually laugh it off. Shame, on the other hand, is never funny. According to one study, shame keeps 50% of children from telling their parents about bullying and up to 60% from telling a teacher. Therefore, in the case of bullying — and increasingly cyberbullying, which is increasingly the form bullying takes — shame is a feeling to be explored with a therapist. No one deserves to live with the psychological damage and shame brought on by bullying.

What Exactly Is Cyberbullying?

Bullying is defined as a repeated, aggressive, or intentionally harmful behavior by peers towards an individual or group. It involves a perceived or real imbalance of power between the bullying and bullied (i.e. picking on someone more vulnerable). Bullies are usually identified as having the ability to influence others, which often manifests in a higher social status, being physically stronger or larger, or having more money than their victims.

While most bullying in schools still takes place in physical locations, the virtual space has become a new venue for abuse. Cyberbullying can take place on various platforms and can manifest in one of the following ways:

• forwarding private emails
• publicly posting text messages
• spreading rumours on social media
• sending threats
• sharing inappropriate or altered photos

Signs That Cyberbullying Has Affected You

Not everyone who experiences cyberbullying will suffer from long-term consequences, but research shows that the trauma can pop up in unexpected ways. The most consistent finding is that victims of bullying are at a higher risk for internalization of problems.

This means that they are more likely to blame themselves for negative situations than seeing them as external. Working with a counsellor who specializes in narrative therapy could be helpful if this is the case. The stories that we tell ourselves are powerful and many of us need to learn how to separate our sense of self from feelings of anxiety or depression.

This tendency to internalize pain can also manifest in poor overall health. Victims of bullying report more bodily pain, headaches, and slower recovery from illnesses. It’s not that ailments are “all in your head” but rather that high levels of stress can change your brain’s functioning. Chronically high C-reactive protein (CRP) levels, for example, were found in the blood of people who had been bullied children. This condition can cause inflammation, cardiovascular diseases, metabolic disorders, and depression.

Perhaps due to the dangerous mixture of academic distraction and low self-esteem, victims of bullying have less educational qualification, unstable employment, and more money problems. In fact, bullied children were found to work lower paying jobs than their peers at age 50. It’s understandable that difficulty functioning in a school environment would lead to discomfort or even emotional triggers at work. If you have a history of being bullied and notice that you’re having issues at work, a therapist could help you adjust patterns.

Preventing Cyberbullying

People who have experienced cyberbullying should remind themselves how prevalent this issue has become. Today, 20% of students aged 12-18 have reported instances of bullying, 15% of which happened online.

The cycle of abuse continues to play out behind the screen, in our virtual communities. Most of us, and especially younger generations, communicate primarily online where it’s easier to quickly spread information without fully realizing the real and harmful ramifications it might have on another person. It’s also worth noting that many bullies are bullied themselves; educating them on cycles of abuse can help eradicate the behaviour.

Adults working with, or parenting, children should open direct lines of communication, free from judgement. We should check in and see how someone is doing if they seem in distress and interrupt thoughts that lead to shame. Given the knowledge we now have about the long-term implications of cyberbullying, addressing it at this stage could make a real difference in our children’s lives well beyond their teen years.

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A character on the Nickelodeon kids’ show Hey, Arnold!, Helga typified the grade school bully, cruel in order to cover up emotions she didn’t want to admit she had. As viewers of the program know, Helga was only mean to Arnold because she was in love with him, complete with a shrine in her closet and a mockup of her love interest made of chewing gum. Helga’s behavior is so iconic to the generation that grew up on her TV show, it’s even earned its own Urban Dictionary entry: Helga Pataki Syndrome.

You don’t have to be a 90s kid for Helga’s behavior to seem familiar. It reflects a truism we often tell children, especially young girls: if someone is mean to you, especially a boy, it’s because he has a crush on you.

Most of us have been told this at some point in our lives. We may even have relayed it to a child. But, says Talkspace therapist Joanna Filidor, LMFT, a this well-meaning truism can have a harmful effect. “The message it sends is that love equates to violence.”

It’s time to put these old beliefs to bed. Seventy-three percent of kids report being physically, emotionally, or relationally bullied at school, and 34% report bullying others. Girls report more bullying victimization. Meanwhile, among adults, up to 35% of heterosexual women and 29% of heterosexual men, and a whopping 61% of bisexual women and 37% of bisexual men, will experience physical abuse, rape, or stalking from an intimate partner at some point in their lives.

These phenomena are linked. Kids who witness domestic violence at home are more likely to hurt other children, and are more likely to learn physically violent behaviors. Meanwhile, men who bullied other children in school are more than three times as likely to commit intimate partner violence as adults. By normalizing bullying behavior, well-meaning adults inadvertently set kids up for harm.

“When we tell children, and girls in particular, that this type of behavior is acceptable, we reinforce the notion [that] bullying behavior is a normal part of romantic relationships — and this is just simply untrue,” says Ohio licensed professional clinical counselor and Talkspace Provider, Rachel O’Neill Ph.D., LPCC-S. Instead, we should teach kids that it’s okay to be vulnerable, and that crushes should cause us to treat others with care, not cruelty.

It’s Healthy to be Vulnerable

Remember your first crush? It may have started as a point of light in your chest, a glowing feeling that expanded to fill your whole body. Or maybe it was butterflies, brushing their wings against your stomach every time that special someone came around. Perhaps you also felt nervous, because your feelings were overwhelming or because you’d been taught that the person you were crushing on was the “wrong” gender.

When kids have a crush, “it’s normal to feel confused, embarrassed, happy, and excited all at once,” says Filidor. But these crush feelings also create an experience that many of us, even adults, have trouble dealing with: vulnerability.

“Having a crush on someone and expressing it requires vulnerability and the ability to experience it without judgment,” says Filidor. “For a young child, this can be a difficult process to comprehend, which leads to the development of new ways of coping with these uncomfortable feelings.” One reaction to vulnerability may be lashing out, by expressing aggression or cruelty to the object of the crush rather than care.

This is augmented by a culture that says vulnerability is wrong, and that boys especially should “toughen up” and not admit tender feelings. “This idea is closely tied to the concept of toxic masculinity, in which men are taught to avoid any displays of emotion in which they may look weak or ineffective,” says O’Neill.

But pushing down vulnerable feelings causes kids to alienate themselves from their own emotions, ultimately leading to potentially harmful behaviors in adulthood. It’s up to parents, and the culture at large, to teach kids that feelings are healthy, and that expressing vulnerability is a source of strength, not weakness.

Dealing With Bullies The Healthy Way

Kids can be mean, and it’s confusing for children to understand why they’re being targeted. When a child you love is being harmed, it’s understandable to want to take away the sting. After all, it’s some small comfort to imagine that your bully actually loves you, rather than having to grapple with the fact that sometimes, people target others for no reason at all.

“It can be difficult to explain why some folks are mean and some aren’t,” says O’Neill. But these situations also present an opportunity to teach empathy and kindness, and to nip cycles of violence in the bud. Kids repeat the behaviors that are done to them. That’s why 97% of bullies also report having been targeted. By teaching kids to identify and reject harmful behaviors, we can not only help them have strength in the face of victimization — we can also prevent hurt kids from becoming bullies themselves.

If a child in your life is being bullied, you can begin by affirming that the behavior isn’t okay, and that the child is totally justified in feeling hurt. You can explain that the bullying comes, not from a secret crush, but from overwhelming feelings that the bully has chosen to take out on other people. “It helps to label what is happening: ‘he may be having some feelings that are difficult to handle,’” says Filidor.

Finally, caregivers can focus on building up kids who are being bullied, rather than encouraging them to tear others down. “Instead of focusing on others’ behaviors, I would also suggest encouraging the child to focus on how they respond to those who are mean,” says O’Neill. “I tend to focus on discussing kindness as a global concept and this idea that we need to work really hard each day to practice being kind to others.”

This can include teaching children to stay away from bullies and to focus on building relationships with other, kinder friends.

Teach Kids to Care

At the heart of it, Helga Pataki syndrome, and the phenomenon of kids being cruel to crushes, is about care. Ironically, the thing human beings most need — love — can often be the one thing most difficult to express, especially in a culture where we’re constantly inundated with unhealthy relationship models.

According to Filidor, teaching kids basic emotional intelligence, and validating their unique emotional experience, can go a long way toward rewiring these harmful messages. “Because “crush” feelings can be made up of so many conflicting emotions it is important to normalize what each child is going through,” says Filidor.

Rather than reinforcing harmful messages like “boys will be boys” or “he’s teasing you because he likes you,” says O’Neill, “Parents can and should have conversations with their children about how to express their feelings. “It can also be really powerful for parents to model this type of behavior by being kind and loving toward each other.”

While we may repeat the “he’s mean to you because he likes you” narrative in an attempt to spare kids pain, a better way forward is to teach kids what care really looks like: kindness.

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The National Center for Education Statistics and Bureau of Justice estimates that about 20% of students ages 12 to 18 experience bullying nationwide. The effects of bullying — whether physical, verbal, or relational — are far reaching. October is National Bullying Prevention Month, an opportunity to raise awareness and provide tools for change. That includes broadening the conversation by discussing the impact on victims’ mental health.

Bullying Defined

Bullying is often thought of as physical, like pushing a student against a locker or engaging in a fight. The definition is actually broader. In 2014, the Centers for Disease Control and Department of Education released the first uniform definition of bullying to serve as a foundation for future federal research. Key aspects include:

• Unwanted aggressive behavior
• Observed or perceived power imbalance
• Repetition of behaviors or high likelihood of repetition

These episodes can happen both in person or online, which is considered cyberbulling. With young people continuously connected to the internet, social media sites, and texting, it opens additional channels for anonymous and consistent bullying that poses new challenges for victims and advocates. Digital communication is both permanently available and persistent, and it’s also harder to notice by trusted adults when it takes place virtually.

Bullying’s Impact on Self-Esteem

Regardless of how bullying occurs, victims generally experience a loss in overall self-esteem. Repeated episodes of taunting and harassment can break a victim’s confidence, even if they innately know that the hurtful words and insults are not true. This can lead them to feel insecure and to question their own worth and value. These are heavy emotions for young people, especially, to feel and navigate.

In the early teen, or late pre-teen, years, children enter puberty and often switch schools. It’s a transition where children can struggle to fit in and navigate new social dynamics. Physically, they’re also facing many changes. It’s likely no surprise that most bullying happens in middle school, when both bullies and victims are experiencing these pivotal changes, which can impact self-esteem.

Over the course of time, bullying encounters can cause some victims to become submissive, making them less willing to defend themselves. Even more dangerous, bullying can gradually shift the victim’s mindset so drastically that their low-self esteem convinces them that there is something wrong with them, which fuels the unbalanced relationship.

Low self-esteem can also lead victims to feel overly self-conscious. One victim who shared her story on the Pacer Center’s Teens Against Bullying website said she was already self-conscious about how she looked, but when a former friend began physically, emotionally, and verbally bullying her, she felt more down than ever before. “She’s the reason I started self-harming, and she’s the reason I cried almost every night,” she posted.

Bullying’s Impact on Anxiety

A study published in JAMA Psychiatry found that children who are bullied are also at an increased risk of developing anxiety disorders when they become adults. The most common anxiety disorders from bullying include post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), panic attacks, and social anxiety disorder.

PTSD is often associated with traumatic events like war, trauma, or severe accidents, but it can also occur with abuse or bullying. For children, the symptoms can include nightmares or withdrawing from others. Bullying victims struggling with GAD may consistently feel that something bad is going to happen since they never know when or how their bully will attack. They can also experience insomnia, restlessness, or fatigue.

Panic attacks trouble many victims, causing sweating or rapid heartbeat. The unexpected attacks may lead them to stop participating in activities or going out. Feeling debilitating self-consciousness about everyday situations is a sign of social anxiety disorder. Bullying victims often feel like others will judge or ridicule them, much as their bully has.

That was the case for Charlotte. She mostly kept to herself, but when she spoke with others at school, she stumbled over her words. She worried about tripping in the hallway with her stack of books, and a group of students took advantage of her worry and spilled water that she tripped on, sending her into a panic attack. When they lobbed jeers at her, she ran away and told her parents she needed to switch schools. The anxiety was just too much.

Bullying’s Impact on Depression

Research from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development also shows that those who bully others, those who are bullied, and those who bully and are bullied are at increased risk for depression. Symptoms of depression can include:

• Mood changes: feelings of sadness, low energy
• Decreased appetite
• Inability to enjoy activities one once did
• Heightened fatigue
• Trouble sleeping or sleeping excessively
• Weight loss or noticeable weight gain
• Pacing, difficulty thinking clearly
• Feelings of low-self esteem and hopelessness
• Suicidal ideation

Research published in the Journal of Adolescent Health describes how cyberbulling victims are at a higher risk for depression — even more so than those who bully them. According to study authors:

“Notably, cyber victims reported higher depression than cyber bullies or bully-victims, which was not found in any other form of bullying…unlike traditional bullying which usually involves a face-to-face confrontation, cyber victims may not see or identify their harasser; as such, cyber victims may be more likely to feel isolated, dehumanized or helpless at the time of the attack,” they wrote.

The topic of death by suicide often enters the conversation about bullying. Since major depression increases the suicide risk compared to people without depression, the media often links bullying directly to suicide. Research, however, shows that most young people who are bullied do not have thoughts of suicide or engage in suicidal behaviors. Many factors impact suicide risk, including past trauma, ethnicity, and sexual orientation — but bullying can worsen these risk factors.

Bullying is an unfortunate reality for many in adolescence, and the effects are long lasting. This October, we recognize the impact on the whole person, and the need to stand up for change. For more resources to help prevent bullying and promote kindness, acceptance, and inclusion for all, visit www.pacer.org.

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Step One: Do A Self-Check In, How Are You Feeling?

As a therapist, I believe that emotions are key to our motivations and decision-making process. They don’t have to be the end-all-be-all, but feelings give us critical information as we move throughout our daily lives. When you find yourself confronted with someone’s offensive humor, it’s important to first check in with yourself and your emotional state when you choose to confront them.
First, be clear about why you find the humor so upsetting. Ask yourself, “What is it about this joke that struck me so hard?” This will help you express yourself more accurately and assertively. When you move to actually confront that person, ask yourself if you are feeling up to a continual conversation about the “why” behind your intervention, or are you only ready just to assert the boundary and move forward.
It takes a good amount of courage and emotional strength to confront someone, even if it’s about their humor. If you’re personally offended due to the humor targeting some part of your own personal identity or your own life choices, then you’re likely a bit emotionally charged. If you feel out of control in managing these feelings (e.g. you think it might turn physical) then it’s best to first take a time-out. If you feel like you can assert your point and advocate for yourself in a calm manner, then by all means take the leap to share your position.

Step Two: Take Stock of Your Immediate Environment

It’s not easy to challenge someone’s offensive humor, no matter the situation or environment. But, understanding your environment when you choose to confront them, could be helpful in managing the situation altogether.
Confronting someone often feels like an isolating experience. After all, it takes a lot of bravery to confront someone’s offensive humor. When you’re about to state your case, take a beat to consider your environment. Does it generally feel safe? Have those around all co-signed the joke or do they seem uncomfortable, too?
Confronting a comedian in a crowded nightclub may be more difficult than at a family gathering with an inappropriate relative. And while there is no hard-and-fast rule about environments in which you should, or shouldn’t, confront someone, taking stock of your environment might give you some helpful insight on what you might expect for a response. It’s another data point to consider as you decide what you want your confrontation to look like.

Step 3: Consider The Relationship

When you think of confrontation in any instance, first and foremost, it’s important to consider your relationship with the person you’ll be confronting. While there are similarly no well-established rules about who you should confront and when, it is important to consider your relationship with the person and the implications of your history and future together.

Close friends

If you’re interested in preserving the relationship at all, then considering how you approach a conversation with this person who made the offensive remarks is important. If it’s someone you’re close to, you might not want to shame them because you feel OK taking time to help them understand why their comments were offensive. This might change if it’s a continual problem and want to put them on notice that their behavior was problematic and want it to stop.

Strangers and acquaintances

Addressing complete strangers is a completely different situation, as you have no data as to how they might react. In those instances, it’s even more important to consider safety in your confrontation.

Step Four: Consider Your Safety

In any case where you intervene, it’s important to consider the aspect of safety. After all, you never know how someone might respond to your compliant. Hopefully, in most cases, you likely only have to be aware of your emotional capacity and safety in the moment. But sometimes there can be long-term implications of confronting someone, especially in our troll-filled digital age.
You may want to ask yourself, “will the person I’m confronting take this in stride or what will I do if they react poorly? Am I ready for that potential outcome?” Of course, you may not always have a well-conceived plan should things go awry (it’s also OK to be spontaneous in your reactions l), but it is worth considering your own — as well as the other person’s mental state — when you confront them.

Physical safety

Unfortunately, we must also consider physical safety when we confront someone. Some people can be defensive when confronted, and being challenged about the way we communicate can be a hard pill to swallow, especially in our current socio-political climate. If you choose to confront someone on their inappropriate jokes, take into account their current mental state (do they seem generally well balanced and calm? Are they sober?) as well as your history with them and the history of their behavior.
If a person has a history of explosive reactions when angry or challenged then it may be best to wait to confront them about their offensive humor, or to forego the challenge altogether. If they are known for their responsive demeanor then chances are your challenge will go fairly well. It’s widely accepted in the psychological community that past behavior is a relatively accurate predictor of future behavior. Take advantage of this principle. And if this person, or their history, is relatively unknown to you then it’s best to exercise caution.
Asserting yourself is never an easy task and it takes a lot of courage and effort to be vulnerable enough to challenge someone’s offensive jokes. Hopefully, these considerations help you feel more prepared the next time you’re faced with offensive humor.

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What Is Trolling?

Pre-internet, the word “troll,” when used as a verb, meant “to fish by trailing a lure or baited hook from a moving boat,” according to Merriam-Webster.
Today, the word has nothing to do with fishing but a lot to do with “baiting.” According to Urban Dictionary, trolling “is the deliberate act…of making random, unsolicited and/or controversial comments on various internet forums with the intent to provoke an emotional knee jerk reaction from unsuspecting readers to engage in a fight or argument.” These comments often look a lot like bullying.
They can run the gamut from leaving negative comments about someone’s appearance, to insulting someone’s work, to writing hateful, politically charged, or even threatening messages to someone — as Lindy West received from the person impersonating her late father on Twitter.
These comments are designed to make you feel bad about yourself. The results can even be fatal, as evidenced by the instances in which trolling drove vulnerable young people to suicide. Even when the consequences aren’t as serious as suicide, the results of trolling can look similar to those of bullying, which often induces depression, social anxiety, and a decrease in self-esteem.

Who Trolls?

About 5.6% of internet users self-identify as trolls, according to AsapSCIENCE, meaning they actually enjoy trying to get a rise out of others through their messages and comments. There is a reason for this, however.
An Australian study published in 2017 surveyed more than 400 individuals to identify patterns in personality that correlate with trolling behaviors. The study found that men were more likely than women to troll others online; it also linked these behaviors to higher scores in traits of psychopathology and sadism on the personality questionnaire. The researchers wrote, according to a Quartz article, that “results indicate that when high on trait psychopathy, trolls employ an empathic strategy of predicting and recognizing the emotional suffering of their victims, while abstaining from the experience of these negative emotions.”
In short, they wrote, “creating mayhem online is a central motivator to troll.”

How to Out-Troll a Troll

When it comes down to it, we can’t prevent trolls from trolling, but if you find yourself the victim of a troll, there are a few ways you can nip it in the bud. The first rule of thumb is to never, ever, ever “feed” the trolls — meaning, don’t respond to a troll’s comment, even with logic.
Second, report or flag the troll’s comment if you can, whether that’s by reporting the person to the moderator (if the message is on an online forum) or flagging it for a social media site. This may not get the troll banned from posting ever again, but it may hide the comment so that you and others don’t have to see their hateful words.
And finally, try not to let perpetrators of trolling get to you. This may be the hardest thing to do, because while their comments may seem personal, they would have said the same thing to anyone else. Trolls get their kicks in knowing that they’ve really gotten to someone, so it’s best not to let them know that their plan worked. In these instances, it helps to talk to someone you trust, whether that’s a romantic partner, a friend, or a therapist.
Trolling doesn’t have to stop you from putting yourself out there online. For every troll that exists on the web, there are dozens more kind and caring people like yourself. Take a technology break if you feel overwhelmed, then dust yourself off, and get back to enjoying all of the good that the internet has to offer.

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