Is It Normal to Have Problems in Marriage?

Virtually all couples will experience marital problems at various stages throughout their relationship. It’s the couples with a strong bond and effective tools, who understand how to work through marriage issues, that survive even the most difficult and challenging obstacles. Some marital issues cause disappointment and resentment, but it’s possible to get through them if you’re both willing to fight for the relationship.

“Certainly, it is common. Typically, marriages involve the union of very different people, so there will be problems that ebb and flow in every marriage. The seriousness of the problems can vary in each marriage, but everyone will encounter some challenging times.”

Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Let’s review 12 of the most common marriage problems and learn about techniques to address them before they cause irreparable damage.

12 Common Marriage Problems

Marital problems stem from poor communication, lack of intimacy, money problems, and growing apart as life takes different twists and turns. If you realize that your marriage is hitting a rough patch, but both you and your spouse are willing to make some necessary changes, you can resolve almost any source of tension.  

1. Lack of communication

Poor communication is a common marital issue. A lot of couples push their problems aside rather than trying to talk about and fix them. They may get set in their ways and in the roles of the relationship, allowing for resentments to grow. When new challenges arise later in life, they lack the communication skills to properly negotiate new rules, and the relationship suffers.

“Communication problems — For example, difficulty listening and understanding, difficulty assuming ownership, and difficulty reserving the time and space to have healthy conversations.”

Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Tip: If this rings true in your relationship, and you want to learn how to communicate in a relationship more effectively, start by being a good listener and encouraging your spouse to express themself. Communication is a skill that benefits any relationship.

2. Lack of intimacy

Sex matters. Still, many couples lose interest in intimacy because of emotional issues, medical problems, financial or other life stressors, or because things seem to be in a rut. If you want to maintain a loving marriage, you must be willing to make physical intimacy a priority. Learning to talk about intimacy with your spouse is step one. Communicate openly about your desires, worries, and anything else relating to sex that may be damaging your intimate connection.

“Sex problems — For example, when couples have different views on the sexual intensity and frequency level in their marriage.”

Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Tip: Sharing your sexual needs with your spouse might feel awkward or selfish, but a physical relationship is a critical part of your marriage. By sharing your feelings, you’re only being honest and trying to strengthen your relationship with your partner. 

3. Different life stages

Being in different stages of life is taxing on a relationship — whether it’s due to an age difference, time spent away from one another, or growing apart in terms of interest and life goals. When you don’t feel connected to your partner, you can feel the impact on your relationship.

Tip: It’s important to make your relationship a priority. Regular date nights, doing things the other person loves, and exploring new hobbies together are all great ways to reconnect and overcome the distance caused by different stages of life. 

4. Infidelity

Infidelity isn’t always about physical cheating. It can also be marked by emotional connections with someone outside the marriage. Cheating can be destructive to any marriage, as it severely disrupts the trust your relationship is based on. 

While it’s true that many couples cannot overcome infidelity, it can be possible. If you want to heal from one person being unfaithful, just know that it’s going to take a lot of understanding, work, and forgiveness. Couples must be willing to work hard to fix trust issues in a relationship after infidelity.   

Tip: Emotional distance is a precursor to cheating, so try to be honest with your spouse if you feel like an emotional or sexual distance is driving you to thoughts of infidelity. If you’re already dealing with a case of physical or emotional cheating, be as honest and understanding as you can about the situation. 

5. Jealousy

A little jealousy here and there is normal, but excessive jealousy can turn a marriage into a dreaded daily battle. Perpetually jealous people tend to be controlling, angry, and overbearing. In many cases, they lack self-esteem and suffer from childhood attachment issues. If you or your spouse is jealous regularly, you might want to seek therapy. Sometimes, professional help is very necessary.

Tip: If you’re dealing with a consistently jealous partner, address the issue head-on and seek professional help since there may be deeper emotional conditions at play. 

6. Boredom

The monotony of repeating the same activities daily with the same person can become too much for some couples. If your relationship has become too comfortable and unimaginative, change the narrative. Introduce some exciting new activities that can spark energy and intimacy back into your marriage.  

Tip: Communication can help here. If you’re feeling bored, share your frustrations with your spouse and devise fun, creative ways to bring some life back into the relationship. Take up a hobby together, start working out, or plan regular date nights to reinvigorate things. 

7. Disrespecting boundaries

Married couples must remain distinct individuals who appreciate and support each other’s talents and abilities. Nobody wants to be controlled or likes to be told what to do, how to dress, or where to spend their money. Marriage is a bond between two people who want to make life better for each other. If you overstep your partner’s boundaries, it can erode the trust that your union is based on. Offer one another the space and freedom to express yourselves individually without judgment.

Tip: If you feel like you’re losing yourself in your marriage, that’s a red flag. Find ways to carve out your own time and space to be you, and be sure to communicate healthy relationship boundaries clearly with your partner. 

8. Stress

Stress is common in adult life. Stress from relationships, professional responsibilities, parenting, and financial worries can all interfere with how you connect with your partner. It can drastically change your relationship, and typically for the worse. Learning to manage stress in healthy and productive ways can help you learn to navigate the stressful times you’ll inevitably face during your marriage.

Tip: Stress management is something you can apply to all areas of your life, not just your marriage. Finding ways to decompress and not let stress get the best of you will greatly improve your marriage. Journaling, working out, doing yoga, being creative, reading, and getting outdoors for a walk all can be effective ways to manage stress. Finding things you can do with your partner is an added bonus!

9. Differing values

Major disagreements about religion, politics, child-rearing and the basic definition of right and wrong can cause serious disruptions to a marital union. We all grew up differently with unique morals, values, beliefs, and goals, but if markedly different views are coming between you and your spouse, it’ll require effective communication and understanding to work through things and maintain the marriage. 

Tip: Large rifts in values may be difficult to overcome, but it’s worth an honest conversation before any drastic decisions are made. Learning more about where values came from can be a step in the right direction. Therapy can be valuable in navigating difficult conversations and trying to find common ground when it comes to values. A neutral party can ensure discussions are productive and respectful.

10. Money problems

There’s a saying that money doesn’t solve money problems. Even for couples who have enough of it, money arguments seem to be inevitable from time to time in any relationship. Your partner may want to spend money when you want to save it. You may have different ideas about how to invest. Like most things in a marriage, communication is the key to victory here. Make it a point to routinely sit down and discuss finances, future goals, and other relevant factors that determine how you spend your money as a married couple.

“Finances — For example, one person supporting the entire relationship or having difficulty finding a healthy balance between spending and thrifting.”

Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Tip: Try a monthly finance date with your partner. Sit down and review the month’s spending and discuss how the money will be spent in the future. Finances are something that needs to be tended to regularly. Make this habit one that you share with your spouse so you both feel like financial decisions are made together. 

11. Trauma or grief

Experiencing traumatic events or situations can take a toll on any relationship or marriage. Because they can be life-changing, trauma and grief can challenge even healthy, strong marriages. 

Tip: Remember that grief is different for everybody. How you’re grieving may not be how your partner is processing things. Give each other space, compassion, and time, and don’t be afraid to seek help. Grief therapy can be effective in dealing with loss. None of us knows how to naturally navigate trauma — professional help can be instrumental in recovering, both personally, and in your relationship.

12. Social media

We live in interesting times, where reconnecting with people from our past is as simple as logging onto a social media platform and typing in a name. If your social media usage interferes with your relationship, it might be time to stop and reassess what’s important to you. 

Not only can social media potentially encourage unhealthy relationships, but it can also be a distraction that prevents you from spending quality time together.

Tip: If it’s becoming a problem in your relationship, set guidelines for when you check your social media accounts. For example, maybe you and your spouse agree that you won’t be on social media as you wind down together and get ready to turn in for the night. 

Find Professional Marriage Help with Talkspace

As long as the couples deal with these problems ahead of time, they can prevent marriage trouble in the future. Any couple whose marriage stands the test of time knows that marital issues are just a fact of life. It’s how they’re handled that’s the real test. One of the first steps of how to save your marriage (or how to fix a broken relationship, really) is to identify the causes. Most marriage problems can be resolved with caring communication, attentive listening, and a mutual willingness to move past the issues you face, all of which can be dealt with online couples counseling.

Of course, in some cases, couples just can’t seem to find common ground on their own. In those cases, it’s better to seek marriage counseling. That’s when professional help from a competent counselor or therapist can be a game changer. Individual or couples-based talk therapy is a powerful tool that can help you gain the skills you need to overcome almost any issue in any marriage. The counseling sessions may not help resolve all the issues right away, but it does lay the foundation for a healthy marriage.

If you think your relationship could use some help, online therapy can be an easy way to start. A therapist can help you and your spouse develops strategies to overcome the types of common problems we’ve discussed here, or anything else you might be facing in your marriage. 

Talkspace is an online therapy platform that offers accessible therapy and support from experienced mental health experts. If you’re looking for professional help getting your marriage back on track, find out how Talkspace can help. 

Sources:

1. Lebow J, Chambers A, Christensen A, Johnson S. Research on the Treatment of Couple Distress. J Marital Fam Ther. 2011;38(1):145-168. doi:10.1111/j.1752-0606.2011.00249.x. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2011.00249.x. Accessed July 17, 2022.  

2. Blanchard V, Hawkins A, Baldwin S, Fawcett E. Investigating the effects of marriage and relationship education on couples’ communication skills: A meta-analytic study. Journal of Family Psychology. 2009;23(2):203-214. doi:10.1037/a0015211. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19364214/. Accessed July 17, 2022.  

3. Zeanah C, Gleason M. Annual Research Review: Attachment disorders in early childhood – clinical presentation, causes, correlates, and treatment. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. 2014;56(3):207-222. doi:10.1111/jcpp.12347. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25359236/. Accessed July 17, 2022.  

8 Tips to Help Save Your Marriage

If you’re committed to making your marriage work and sure that you’re not dealing with any deal breakers, dedicate some time to each of the following therapist-approved tips. Creating a healthy marriage requires routine effort and dedication from both partners. Keep in mind that before you put in the work, it’s virtually impossible to improve your relationship without your spouse’s active participation.

What does it take to save a marriage? The following should be present:

• Both partners recognize there are problems
• Both partners understand that they play a role in the problems
• Both partners maintain a certain level of love and respect for each other and keep the marriage from becoming an abusive relationship
• There are more good times than bad.
• Both partners are willing to make the effort to save it

Looking for specific strategies that can be effective in getting your marriage back on track? Check out the following six tips that you can use right now to try and save your marriage. 

1. Work on intimacy for a deep emotional and physical connection

Sure, we all get busy in life. It’s easy to fall into routines and become so preoccupied that we forget to be attentive to our partner’s needs. However, an intimate connection between married partners is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship.

Give some thought to what you can do to make your sexual life with your spouse more interesting and fun. A healthy sex life is a key part of a strong, healthy marriage, and successful couples put forth intentional effort into making their sex lives good.

“Eliminate distractions to protect the partnership.”

Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

2. Talk to each other regularly, effectively, and intentionally

Communication is key. Knowing how to save your marriage largely involves working on communication. It’s one of the main components of maintaining the type of deep connections that let marriages last forever. You can refer to our helpful guide on couples communication exercises to help begin facilitating more meaningful and positive conversations with your spouse.

Wondering how to communicate in a relationship effectively? Talk with your spouse openly about your interests, dreams, goals, feelings…even about what frustrates you. Don’t forget that half of communication is listening. Allow and encourage your spouse to share everything they hesitate to tell anyone else. For more tips, check out these communication exercises for couples.

“Practice the art of asking more questions.”

Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

3. Spend quality time together

One really important, simple way to save your marriage and connect with your spouse is by being cognizant about spending quality time together. Don’t let yourself get so caught up in the business of life that you forget to just be together. Be sure to prioritize date nights and shared activities.

“Start carving out space for date nights once weekly.”

Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Remember that you got married to share your lives and achieve your dreams together. Even if your time is limited, making date night a priority can help. It can just be watching a movie and ordering a pizza at home — it can do wonders for your marriage.  

4. Practice forgiveness & letting go of grudges

Forgiveness is one of the answers to how to fix a failing marriage. Holding grudges will create resentment and further conflict.

 If you feel contempt towards your partner regularly, and you can’t find any resolution, it can cause serious long-term challenges for your marriage.

There’s power in forgiving, especially when you can do it quickly. Remember that forgiveness is a gift to the person you forgive, and to yourself. Don’t hold grudges that will only eat up your emotional and mental space. The truth is, holding a grudge can have a negative impact on more than just your marriage. A recent large study shows that holding onto anger and stress is linked to higher blood pressure and heart rate reactions.

5. Don’t be controlling

Partners in healthy marriages mutually respect each other and don’t constantly demand that they get their own way. Any successful marriage is built on the premise of give and take. Allow your partner to have the space they need to be the person they’re meant to be. 

6. Rekindle the romance to get the spark back

Over time, the initial passion in a relationship might wane. It’s essential to continuously nurture the romantic aspect of your marriage. Surprise your partner with spontaneous dates, leave them love notes, or simply reminisce about your early days together. These small gestures can reignite the flame and remind both of you why you fell in love in the first place.

7. Set mutual goals for the future

A strong marriage thrives on shared aspirations and dreams. Sit down with your spouse and discuss both individual and mutual goals, whether they’re related to finances, family, career, or personal growth. By setting and working towards these goals together, you strengthen your bond and ensure you’re both moving in the same direction.

8. Consider getting professional help through therapy

If you feel that you’ve put in a lot of effort, but are still falling short and you’re beginning to worry about the possibility of divorce, it may be time to consider online couples counseling. 

An experienced couples therapist can offer various exercises for you and your spouse to explore. Sometimes, we can all benefit from a fresh perspective and professional advice, especially when it comes to knowing how to save a marriage.

How Do You Know If Your Marriage is Worth Saving?

A troubled marriage doesn’t always mean a failing marriage. Even the best marriages will encounter marriage trouble at some point. In many cases, things can be resolved as long as both partners are willing.

That said, some major deal breakers push many marriages past the point of reconciliation. For example, infidelity, abuse, neglect, and domination are all issues that may not have any solutions. Let’s review each one closely.

Infidelity

Few things can make somebody feel as disrespected and unloved as infidelity. Affairs aren’t all that rare in marriages. Two decades of research estimates that as many as 10 – 15% of women and 20 – 25% of men cheat.

Many couples do end up overcoming infidelity. However, the effects of being cheated on can linger and fester, sometimes for decades, if not addressed properly with counseling. In some cases, forgiving a cheater is much too difficult, and couples end up divorcing.

Abuse

Every married couple will experience the occasional argument or conflict. That’s normal for any two people who spend enough time together. However, when physical or emotional violence enters the picture, everything changes. There is never a justifiable or reasonable excuse for violence in a relationship.

***If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, help is out there. Call or text the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support. They’re available 24/7 and can be reached at 800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788.

Neglect

Extended neglect can be just as devastating as physical abuse. Neglect can be abuse. If your partner never shows you any attention, even by having a casual conversation with you periodically, you may need to reevaluate your union as a married couple to see if it’s still healthy for you to be a part of.

Control

We all need to be able to express ourselves, set personal goals, and feel an individual sense of accomplishment in life. If one partner in a marriage is always telling the other what they can or cannot do, what to spend money on, or which goals to pursue in life, it needs to end or the marriage might suffer.

Save & Strengthen Your Marriage with Professional Help

Still wondering, how to save my marriage? It’s OK. All marriages face difficult times. Navigating problems that arise in your marriage can be challenging, but perseverance is key to keeping your marriage strong. And no matter how long you’ve had problems, it’s never too late to seek marriage counseling or couples counseling.

If you and your partner need help saving your troubled marriage, working online with a licensed marriage therapist at Talkspace can be the saving grace you’ve been seeking. Our online couples counseling is straightforward, affordable, and best of all, we can help you restore your relationship.

2. You Can’t Remember the Last Time You Were Intimate

There is no “normal” in the bedroom. How often you should be intimate can be different for every couple. However, if you can’t remember the last time you had sex with your spouse, your relationship might be missing a degree of intimacy. It’s easy to forget intimacy, especially if you work different schedules or are busy raising a young family. 

What to Do: If you’re struggling with sexual intimacy in your marriage, not all hope is not lost. You can get that spark back. Not sure where to start? Small touches, massages, and hand-holding are all great ways to reconnect.

3. You Don’t Argue Anymore

No more arguments or disagreements? It may seem like a good thing on the outside, but if you’ve stopped arguing altogether, it might be because you’ve stopped communicating. 

What to Do: When was the last time you shared anything meaningful with your spouse? If you can’t remember, you may need to work on your communication skills to avoid marriage trouble. If this is a pattern that’s been going on for a while, you might want a therapist to help you break the cycle.

Need tips for better communication? Check out our recommended communication exercises for couples.

4. You Avoid Spending Quality Time Together

Remember when you first started dating, how you couldn’t wait to see them again? Years later, is your spouse the last person you want to spend time with? While there’s nothing wrong if a married person wants alone time every once in a while, it becomes worrying when you crave it all the time. Why is that? Are they always criticizing you? Do they never want to do the things you suggest? Do you feel more comfortable alone or with your friends than you do with your partner? 

What to Do: Reconnect with each other by planning small outings or setting aside a standing date night once or twice a month.

5. One Person Does Most of the Chores

Division of labor in a marriage can be tricky. Even if you set aside ‘traditional’ roles, one person may be more interested in taking on certain tasks like cooking, cleaning, or shopping for the family. However, you might end up resenting your partner if you alone are doing most of the household chores.

What to Do:Talk to your spouse and see if you can come to an understanding about the importance of feeling equal in your marriage.

6. Someone’s Keeping Secrets

Another one of the common signs of a failing marriage is when there are secrets. Lying, either overtly or by omission, is one of the surest ways to damage a relationship.

What to Do: Open, honest communication should always be the goal in marriage. It’s most likely that someone already suspects something is wrong if there’s a lack of honesty.  

7. You Don’t Respect Each Other’s Privacy

A marriage license doesn’t give you the right to know everything about one another. Respecting healthy relationship boundaries and each other’s privacy is important. Reading your spouse’s emails, checking their text messages, or rummaging through their belongings is a breach of trust.

What to Do: Every marriage deserves respect — be sure that you’re both honoring each other’s space and privacy.

8. Your Friends See Problems in Your Marriage

Are your friends and family telling you there’s something “off” about your marriage? Are they concerned about you? Don’t dismiss caring comments as envy or a sign that someone never liked your spouse. They might be seeing marriage problems that you don’t want to admit.

What to Do: If someone you trust brings up concerns about your marriage, try to listen to them objectively before reacting. 

9. You Lie About Money

According to research, financial matters are the most common cause of marital strife, more so even than sex. If one of you is a spender and the other is a saver, it can be easy to get into trouble when it comes to money. However, hiding or lying about money matters isn’t the answer. 

What to Do: Try to be open and honest about your spending habits and financial plans.

10. You Daydream About Having an Affair

Another warning sign of marriage trouble is if you fantasize about having an affair with someone else. In a happy marriage, all of that energy will be directed toward your spouse.

What to Do: Instead of indulging in daydreams, have a conversation with your partner about why you’re thinking about other people. You might want to enlist the help of a therapist or marriage counselor to help you navigate this tough conversation. 

11. You Always Feel Stressed About Your Marriage

A common reason for marriage trouble is plain old stress. If you worry a lot about the state of your union, it may be a reaction to tension or isolation in your relationship. 

What to Do: Like any other issues you might face in your marriage, learning to manage stress may take working with a therapist to find the source of your tension. Find stress-relieving activities you can do, both with and without your spouse. Going for an evening walk or working out together, journaling, and meditating are all known ways to combat stress. 

12. Your Spouse Isn’t the First Person You Call

If something bad (or good!) happens in your life, your spouse should be one of the first people you want to tell. If you reach for the phone to share the news with someone else, you might want to think about why that is.

What to Do: Make sure you and your spouse are each other’s priorities by sharing accomplishments, disappointments, frustrations, or anything else that’s a big deal in your life. 

13. You’re Dragging Your Feet About a Big Decision In Your Marriage

Have you been delaying a decision about something big, like moving to another state, buying a new house, deciding to start or expand your family, or going back to school? While it can be normal to resist change a little bit, you may be putting off making a big decision because you’re hesitant about what it means for your troubled marriage.

What to Do: Try to figure out why you’re avoiding that big decision. It might take some long heart-to-hearts with your spouse, but it can open the lines of communication and maybe even help you start to reestablish your emotional connection.

14. You Feel Lonely All the Time

Everyone feels lonely some of the time. If you’re lonely a lot, though, even when you’re with your spouse, you could have marriage trouble. 

What to Do: The reasons for your sadness and loneliness can be complicated, and you might need to consider therapy to resolve things, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a great first step.

15. You Ignore Red Flags

It can be easy to put certain things that bother you aside at the beginning of a relationship. Marriage red flags concerning spending habits, inappropriate flirting, or a dismissive or controlling attitude toward your friends and family shouldn’t be ignored, though.   

What to Do: It’s never too late to revisit relationship problems you might have suspected or noticed at some point along the way. Figuring out what you can do to (or if you can) work through things is the next step.

When to Get Professional Marriage Help

A problematic marriage doesn’t always have to end in a broken marriage. If you recognize you and your spouse in several of the above warning signs of a failing marriage or if things have been heading down a scary path for a while now, it might be time to consider seeking professional marriage counseling. A therapist can often see what you can’t because you’re both too close to the situation.

“Fixing relationship problems is not impossible. When you have the right tools and communication skills, it’s much easier.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, LCSWC, MSSW

Therapy can teach you ways to work through your marriage problems, learn to deal with insecurity in relationships, and help you connect again. Don’t wait until things get too bad. Seeking couples therapy early gives you the best chance of learning how to save your marriage before it gets even worse.

Get Professional Help with Talkspace

The best marriage advice is to seek help from a marriage counselor. The good news is that it’s easy to find couples therapy today. Even if you live in a remote area or can’t travel to a therapist, online therapy through Talkspace can change the course of your married life. Our therapy platform makes online couples counseling accessible and convenient.  

“The idea of having a couples therapist comes to most couples when the relationship is at risk. However, as therapists, we recommend that couples have a therapist from the beginning to establish a better understanding and boundaries.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, LCSWC, MSSW

Reach out to Talkspace today to learn more about how you can repair marriage trouble, reconnect with your spouse, and work towards a healthy marriage.

Sources:

1. Poulsen, Ph.D. S. A Fine Balance: The Magic Ratio To A Healthy Relationship. Purdue University: Consumer and Family Sciences Department of Child Development & Family Studies; 2008:1-3. https://www.extension.purdue.edu/extmedia/cfs/cfs-744-w.pdf. Accessed July 18, 2022.

2. Papp L, Cummings E, Goeke-Morey M. For Richer, for Poorer: Money as a Topic of Marital Conflict in the Home. Fam Relat. 2009;58(1):91-103. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3729.2008.00537.x. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3230928/. Accessed July 18, 2022.

How Long Does Premarital Counseling Usually Last?

Different major issues will contribute to how long your premarital counseling lasts. While sometimes it can take up to six months to resolve differences, many couples choose to speed up the process by doing multiple sessions each week, rather than just meeting with a therapist once per week for a longer overall time period. There are a few issues that can extend the length of time therapy takes. 

Factors That Can Impact the Length of Premarital Counseling

There are a number of factors that can impact how long your premarital counseling takes. While you can cover dozens of topics throughout your sessions, there are a handful of bigger issues that might take longer to successfully overcome. 

Some reasons why people may need a longer time to fully address their issues can include communication, family problems, religious and cultural differences, financial issues, trust issues, and more. When to start premarital counseling can also be impacted by these factors and what your relationship goals are for each.

Communication issues 

Communication can be a tough one to tackle. It’s key in your relationship, but it can also be the foundation of productive therapy. If you can’t effectively communicate, you aren’t going to get the most out of each counseling session. 

Before you can even begin to deal with any of the premarital topics you’d normally cover, a therapist may begin by breaking down and rebuilding how you and your partner communicate. This will likely include communication exercises for couples. Learning how to communicate effectively can be wildly beneficial in all areas of life. It’s worth taking the time you need to build better communication skills across the board. 

How long should premarital counseling last for communication issues? 

Since communication is so essential, you should be willing to take as long as you need to learn how to effectively communicate in your relationship. Therapy has proven very successful in helping people understand how to communicate so they can build strong connections. It’s definitely worth the time you invest to focus on communication in your premarital counseling.

Family issues

Family problems can be daunting to work through. Family challenges, either in your own life or in your partner’s, can easily extend the time your therapy takes to complete. While premarital counseling shouldn’t be about pleasing your family or your partner’s family, it can help you establish boundaries and trust between the two of you to hopefully prevent issues in the future.
Family issues can stem from cultural or religious differences (which we’ll touch on next) and can be deeply embedded in each of your psyches. It makes sense then, that the time to complete therapy could be longer when you’re dealing with families.

How long should premarital counseling last for family issues? 

When trying to navigate serious family issues before your marriage, therapy might take six months or more.

Religious or cultural issues

Religious or cultural differences can be hard to resolve. Marriage really is about blending two people’s lives, but when religious or cultural differences come into play, it might become a bit more challenging.
The best way to overcome deep-rooted cultural and/or religious differences between two people is to really focus on communication. If work there is the backbone of your therapy, you can find common ground and learn to understand each other’s culture or religion. You can then begin to accept one another so you can find a way to make the differences work in your marriage.

How long should premarital counseling last for religious or cultural issues? 

Cultural or religious differences in a relationship can take 6 months or longer to fully resolve in some cases. Working on these cultural and religious differences with your future spouse early on can be beneficial to your marriage and possibly promote a healthy relationship as well as a healthy marriage.

Finance issues

Simply put, financial problems can be challenging. While not every financial issue will mean more therapy, sometimes finances can stem from great amounts of debt, or very big loans, that can make a partner nervous. If you’re going to therapy to establish a plan around finances that are complicated, you should expect it to take a bit longer to resolve.

The biggest thing to note about addressing finances in therapy is that without transparency, not much progress will be made. If you both go into it willing to be completely transparent and open about your current situation — as well as how you want to move forward — you’ll undoubtedly see greater success.

While premarital counseling won’t solve all of your financial issues, it can definitely help each of you see the other’s perspective more clearly. With compassion, trust, and understanding, you can move forward with a common goal about your finances.

How long should premarital counseling last for finance issues? 

The nature of the financial issues will dictate how long therapy might take. You may expect to meet with a therapist for six months or longer to fully address and overcome financial issues in a relationship. You might even need to meet multiple times a week.

Trust issues 

Trust issues can be difficult to overcome. Trust can be a tough topic to tackle at any point in life. Heading into a marriage, it might be even more so. Ironically, since we talk so much about communication in relation to therapy, communication may be the biggest barrier in some cases when dealing with trust issues.

People may be afraid to trust because they’ve been hurt or experienced trauma. They might have underlying difficulties opening up, making therapy a bit more intensive and time-consuming. You might need to focus on communication skills prior to making much, if any, progress on the trust front. With each premarital counseling session, you can slowly work to trust each other.

Keep in mind, though, it can be done and with great success. Your work toward building solid communication skills and establishing trust in your relationship can lay the foundation for a positive connection that lasts. Couples counseling, premarital counseling, or similar is beneficial in building a healthy relationship free of trust issues. 

How long should premarital counseling last for trust issues? 

Sometimes trust issues can take an extra 2 – 3 months of counseling so you have time to focus sessions on both trust-building as well as effective communication. 

Some research shows that some divorces resulted from problems that were there at the very beginning of the relationship. Premarital and marriage counseling can help you identify and then address issues that may interfere in your relationship for years to come. Counseling is worth the time it takes if you want to build solid ground to grow your relationship. 

Online therapy with Talkspace can help you and your partner prepare for this exciting new chapter and marriage journey together. Establishing a strong foundation before marriage is one of the many fulfilling benefits of premarital counseling. Reach out today to get started.

Sources: 

1. FastStats. Cdc.gov. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm. Published 2021. Accessed October 4, 2021.

2. Carroll J, Doherty W. Evaluating the Effectiveness of Premarital Prevention Programs: A Meta-Analytic Review of Outcome Research. Fam Relat. 2003;52(2):105-118. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.00105.x

3. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Aamft.org. https://aamft.org/. Accessed October 4, 2021.

4. Williamson H, Nguyen T, Bradbury T, Karney B. Are problems that contribute to divorce present at the start of marriage, or do they emerge over time?. J Soc Pers Relat. 2016;33(8):1120-1134. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/285236624_Are_Problems_that_Contribute_to_Divorce_Present_at_the_Start_of_Marriage_or_Do_They_Emerge_Over_Time

Premarital Counseling Timeline

Like any type of therapy, there just isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach for this kind of couples counseling. Your premarital counseling can take anywhere from a couple of weeks to six months or longer. A lot of factors go into knowing the perfect time for premarital counseling. 

Wondering how long is premarital counseling? Having a clear idea of your goals for premarital therapy can help determine how long your premarital counseling might take. If you have a number of issues to work through, you may need more sessions. That said, there is an average timeline that most people follow when it comes to premarital counseling.

While many think that a few weeks is enough for premarital counseling, in reality you may find that a longer time period is much more beneficial. This specialized couples counseling offers you a way to grow your relationship in the areas that really matter once you reach married life. Communication, trust, respect, and so much more can be addressed to ensure a healthy relationship prior to marriage. You may also want to touch on:

• Finances
• Values
• Sex or intimacy
• Children
• Friend groups 
• Conflicts and resolutions
• Belief systems 
• Religious or cultural differences
• Roles in a healthy relationship
• Your mutual decision-making process
• What hobbies you’ll do (both as individuals as well as together)
• What you’ll spend time doing in your leisure

At the end of the day, how long you’ll need premarital counseling service really just depends on you as a couple. The nature of your relationship and your individual circumstances are going to dictate the time it’ll take for you to get the most out of your sessions. 

“Premarital counseling can go for as long as you want, and as long as your therapist recommends. The average timeline is a few months or more. Typically, we see that couples with more goals start the process about six to twelve months before their wedding date, and others might begin about two to three months in advance. Sessions can be between 45 to 90 minutes every week, or every other week. Creating a plan and a timeline together with your therapist is essential since it can help you reach your goals, and see better, long lasting results.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings LCSW-S

How to Know When to Start Premarital Counseling

So, when should you do premarital counseling? Again, there’s no tried and true answer about when to start. Some people say to start as soon as you get engaged. Others think just a few weeks before the wedding is sufficient. Then, there are those who believe that as soon as you’re even thinking about marriage, you can begin a counseling service. Some people suggest that 3 – 6 months will be enough time if you do around two hours in each session. 

However, if you’re struggling with any of the following issues, it might be a good idea to start your premarital counseling sooner rather than later.   

You don’t communicate well

Communication is an issue in many relationships. Before you get married, it can be helpful to learn how to communicate with each other in a positive, healthy way. Communication exercises for couples are an excellent thing to practice. Premarital sessions can show you ways that your communication skills can improve, and then you can practice the skills you learn. This way, even when you have disagreements (and you will have arguments) you’ll know how to effectively communicate with each other without hurting one another.

You fight about money

It’s been said that money is one of the top things couples fight about. Setting expectations for how you’ll treat money in your marriage — before you get married — is smart. You can discuss all the things that married couples typically fight about. Think: bank accounts, splitting bills, who will work (and how much), financial goals for the future, how you’ll save, and more. Instead of worrying how to talk to your partner about money, you can have a therapist help you bridge that conversation. Premarital counseling is a safe space that keeps emotions in check while you have these tough conversations.

You fight over your families

That old saying when you marry, you marry the family too is true. If you or your partner have family issues, on either side, premarital counseling sessions can give you a roadmap for how to navigate something that — let’s face it — you’ll be dealing with for the rest of your married lives. Families aren’t going anywhere, so you need a plan to deal with them.

“Be prepared before going to your session. Write down the positive and the not-so-positive about the interactions or relationship with your families. Talk to your partner about your views and feelings during the session, using a respectful and caring approach. If your partner avoids some issues, this is a great place to talk through them together. You are in a safe setting, and the therapist will guide both of you to reach your session goals. Do not expect the therapist to side with either one of you, or assume that the questions asked indicate this in any way. Ask questions, offer examples, keeping in mind first and foremost why you are choosing to marry this person. Remember that not all families are perfect. Pick your battles, and with the help of your therapist, remember that we do not have control over how others act, but we do have control over how we feel about it, and how we respond.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings LCSW-S

You have trust issues

Trust can be tricky because it’s a fragile thing that we work hard to earn. Once it’s broken, it can be incredibly hard to rebuild. However, learning how to communicate and focusing on things like trust-building activities can be essential when trying to solve trust issues in your relationship. You can also focus on identifying patterns in your relationship that may be contributing to a lack of trust.

You have cultural and/or religious differences

It can be difficult to overcome religious or cultural differences. It doesn’t have to be impossible, though. Premarital counseling sessions can focus on how to respect and understand each other’s beliefs and practices when it comes to religion or cultural identities. Typically, these issues will require significantly more premarital therapy than some others might. 

You have anxiety about getting married

Many people worry about getting married. Maybe they have a hard time believing in marriage, deal with commitment issues, or perhaps they didn’t grow up with parents who modeled a healthy marriage. There can be a host of reasons why you might have anxiety about marriage. Premarital counseling can help change your perspective.

You (or your partner) have anger issues

If you know that you have anger issues, or if your partner has difficulty dealing with his or her anger, premarital counseling can help both of you understand how to handle conflict in the healthiest way possible. Discovering how to deal with anger can be useful in all areas of life, not just in married life.

You have different opinions about children

Not sure you want to have children? Do you want children but your partner doesn’t? Can’t agree on how many children to have? Marital counseling shows you how to navigate these tough conversations in a safe space, where a couples therapist can mediate the process so you can find a resolution. 

Going into marriage before you agree on important issues like children, money, families, communication, or anything else can lead to a difficult road. Premarital counseling can cover any issues you need to work through with a variety of couples therapy techniques, giving your marriage the best chance to thrive. 

Getting Started with Talkspace

Talkspace can walk you through your premarital counseling journey. Our licensed online therapists understand the magnitude of getting the right therapy to prepare for your life together as a married couple. 

Regardless of what issues you want to focus on, or how long you have to complete your premarital counseling, Talkspace makes therapy convenient, affordable, and easy to get. You can do your therapy sessions from the comfort of your own home, during the times and days that work for you. So you can eliminate some of the stress that a lot of people feel when they’re adding one more thing to their wedding planning plate.

Learn more about how Talkspace can help you create a wonderful life with your partner, as you begin your marriage journey, and for decades into the future. Learn about the benefits of couples therapy today.

“According to research, 30% of couples who participate in premarital counseling with a mental health professional have stronger marriages and higher marital satisfaction. Couples who participate in premarital counseling can communicate better and have less difficulty discussing topics like finances and sex.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings LCSW-S

Sources:

1. 20 Significant Premarital Counseling Statistics – HRF. HRF. https://healthresearchfunding.org/20-significant-premarital-counseling-statistics/. Accessed October 2, 2021.

2. Premarital Counseling Builds Better Union. https://www.webmd.com/women/news/20030404/premarital-counseling-builds-better-union . Accessed October 4, 2021.