What Does Good Communication in a Relationship Look Like?

It’s difficult to figure out how to improve communication in a relationship when you’re not sure what healthy communication looks like in the first place. When many people talk about communication, they often focus on words and conversations, but good communication involves much more than that. 

• Nonverbal communication, such as body language and tone of voice, can influence how people interpret the things you say. For example, non verbal cues, such as a facial expression or rolling your eyes at your partner during a disagreement, can upset them and potentially make an existing relationship issue at hand worse, even though you’re not using words with any negative connotation or negative tone.
• Active listening is a great communication skill to have, and it’s the idea that communication is a two-way street, which is why it’s so crucial that you listen to your partner. Active listening can lead to more intimate relationship communication, and better and more meaningful conversations. When someone feels ignored, they might not be comfortable bringing up their feelings or concerns, which can further exacerbate poor communication issues and relationship struggles. 

Many couples have relationship communication problems, and it’s virtually impossible to fix those issues overnight. However, you can learn effective communication skills with your partner with time and practice. You can first focus on identifying any unhealthy or destructive communication patterns. Then, you can replace them with more positive ones. Sounds simple, right? But how do you go about all this? Read on for 10 solid tips for how to communicate better in a relationship.

“Communication is key in any relationship. The lack of communication can cause misunderstanding, lack of trust, and confusion. In order to improve any relationship, communication needs to be a priority.”

Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC

10 Tips for Effective Communication in a Relationship

If you’re not sure how to communicate in a relationship, try introducing these strategies the next time you interact with your partner. Over time, with practice and knowledge, you’ll become more aware of poor communication habits and learn better ways to express your thoughts and needs to one another.

1. Find the right setting

When you’re exhausted or overwhelmed, it can be difficult to have a real (let alone positive) discussion. If you and your partner need to have a meaningful conversation, or if you’ve been struggling with an issue, be sure to give yourself time to process your feelings before, during, and after the conversation. Staying in a neutral, peaceful environment can also help, especially during particularly difficult conversations.

What to do: Schedule a conversation at a time when you can both be engaged, present, and most importantly, calm. Do it in a place you’re both comfortable and feel safe. 

2. Work on being an active listener

When it comes to communication, listening is just as important as talking. If you’re not sure how to improve communication in a relationship, start by honing your listening skills. 

What to do: Pay attention to what your partner is saying and make a point of engaging with their words. Ask questions or request clarification if you’re not sure what they’re trying to say.

3. Avoid distractions

If you’re busy checking your phone, scrolling through Instagram, or watching TV when your partner’s trying to talk to you, it can be difficult to focus on what they’re saying. It can also make them feel ignored and it’s overall an unhealthy communication problem. 

What to do: Shut out electronic distractions so you and your partner can pay attention to each other and have a meaningful conversation.

4. Validate your partner’s feelings

If your partner says something you disagree with, you might have negative feelings towards them and feel defensive. While that’s a natural reaction, and you won’t always agree, you should respect and acknowledge that your partner’s feelings are sincere and valid. Validating your partner’s feelings will curtail gaslighting in relationships.

What to do: Instead of arguing, try to remember that it’s important to learn to accept your partner’s feelings. You can disagree without discounting your partner and causing hurt feelings. 

5. Be kind and respectful

When it comes to how to stop fighting in a relationship, a little kindness can go a long way, especially when emotions are running high. Make a point of being kind to your partner when you’re having a conversation. We can all practice a little more kindness in life, and it’s a great place to start if you’re not sure how to communicate better in a relationship. If you constantly feel as though the kindness and respect isn’t being reciprocated, it’s a sign you may be in a one-sided relationship.

What to do: Even if you’re angry, try to be polite and respectful in both your words and in your actions. Practice deep breathing when you’re heated, and remember that it’s OK to pause and calm down when you need to. 

6. Avoid placing blame

If you phrase your feelings the wrong way, your partner might feel attacked or blamed, which leads to insecurity in relationships. When you’re expressing how you feel, try to use “I” statements. 

What to do: Instead of saying, “you always come home late,” you could say, “I feel worried when you come home late.” 

7.  Don’t avoid conflict

Dealing with conflict is never fun, but ignoring issues won’t make your problems go away; open communication is key. When you don’t properly deal with (even minor) pain points in a romantic relationship, there’s a good chance things will eventually turn into a major source of conflict.

What to do: Work with your partner to address and resolve problems, big and small. In the beginning, it can be hard to tackle tough issues if you don’t know how to communicate in a relationship, but it really is worth the effort, and with practice, you’ll both become better at it.

8. Check in with your partner throughout the day

It isn’t always easy to spend time with your partner, especially when you’re both busy. When it comes to how to fix a broken relationship, simply reaching out to check in every so often can go a long way in letting them know that even when you’re busy, you’re there, and you care. 

What to do: Try to take a few minutes to check in with each other a couple of times each day. During these check-ins, you can let your partner know how you’re feeling and ask them about their day. A quick “I’m thinking of you” text can go a long way. 

9. Set boundaries

If you’ve noticed that you and your partner are frequently arguing over the same things, try setting boundaries that’ll help you nip things in the bud. 

What to do: Boundaries can be great for anything. If money is a constant source of stress in your relationship, you might set a rule about discussing any purchases of more than $200 (or whatever amount makes sense). If your partner is always late and that bothers you, try asking them to send a text when their plans change, or they’ll be later than expected. As long as you stick to the boundaries you set, it can help you avoid miscommunication. 

10. Have a positive attitude

Positivity is key in better communication. You and your partner are a team, and keeping things on a positive level can help your relationship in so many ways. Your common goal should always be to work through any relationship problems that you’re having, and try to arrive at a mutual understanding.

What to do: Try to be open to what your partner has to say. Avoid bringing up conflicts from the past. Above all, go into every conversation with an in-it-to-win-it attitude. 

Strengthen Your Relationship with Talkspace

Research shows us that healthy communication is a strong predictor of a satisfying and successful relationship. Thankfully, even if you don’t know how to communicate in a relationship yet, you can work to build strong, healthy communication skills. There are many steps that you and your partner can take to improve the ways you communicate. 

Learning how to communicate with your partner might feel overwhelming, especially when you’re not sure what positive communication looks like. If you’re having a hard time, you might benefit from online couples counseling. During therapy sessions, you can work to identify unhealthy patterns together and find ways to achieve better communication.

If you and your partner are ready to take steps toward a healthier, stronger, kinder relationship, where you know how to communicate and value what each other has to say, you might want to try Talkspace to get started. Talkspace is an online therapy platform that makes working on things like communication in a relationship easier, more affordable, and more convenient. The fact that sessions are virtual means the process is simple, eliminating the stress of fitting in getting to and from therapy into already-busy schedules. 

“Therapy can help couples communicate more effectively with each other. The therapist can serve as a facilitator between partners so they can learn to express their honest thoughts and feelings with each other.”

Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC

Sources: 

1. Noller P. Misunderstandings in marital communication: A study of couples’ nonverbal communication. J Pers Soc Psychol. 1980;39(6):1135-1148. doi:10.1037/h0077716. https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fh0077716. Accessed July 15, 2022.

2. Weger H, Castle Bell G, Minei E, Robinson M. The Relative Effectiveness of Active Listening in Initial Interactions. International Journal of Listening. 2014;28(1):13-31. doi:10.1080/10904018.2013.813234. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10904018.2013.813234#. Accessed July 15, 2022.

3. Lavner J, Karney B, Bradbury T. Does Couples’ Communication Predict Marital Satisfaction, or Does Marital Satisfaction Predict Communication?. Journal of Marriage and Family. 2016;78(3):680-694. doi:10.1111/jomf.12301. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4852543/. Accessed July 15, 2022.

What is a One-Sided Relationship?

One-sided relationships often sound like a story of unrequited love, but that’s not always true. A one sided relationship is when one half of the couple invests way more time and effort into the relationship than the other, causing an imbalanced relationship.

Most people in a long-term relationship understand what it’s like to feel like you’re putting in more time and effort than your partner at some point. Sometimes, the sense that you’re doing more than your fair share in a romantic relationship is valid. Other times, it may not be. How can you tell the difference? How do you know if you’re in a healthy relationship? Luckily, there are a few tell-tale indications that can help you know for sure if you’re in a one-sided relationship.

Signs of a One-Sided Relationship

Wanting your relationship to feel balanced is normal, and feeling like things are occasionally lopsided is all too common. Sometimes it can be hard to see your relationship clearly when you’re in the thick of things. That’s why knowing some of the signs that may suggest your relationship is one-sided can be helpful. 

“Healthy relationships aren’t necessarily perfect, but clearly they’re a bit more balanced when both persons feel heard and supported. Oftentimes, in one-sided relationships, there’s a breakdown in open communication, while fundamentally, one person makes more of an effort in initiating and maintaining the dialogue. If it feels like a burden to do most of the ‘work’ to stay and be in touch with your partner, it’s ok to share how you feel in order to make known that you need a bit more support than you’re getting.”

Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

Some obvious signs of a one-sided relationship may include the following.

1. You don’t feel a strong, deep, meaningful connection

A hallmark of a one-sided relationship is a lack of a deep connection between partners. If you feel more like roommates than soulmates, there’s likely a problem. 

Revitalize your relationship by making an effort to spend time together. Admittedly, this can be difficult with the hustle and bustle of most people’s busy lives these days. However, nurturing a deep and meaningful connection is essential to long-term happiness in any romantic relationship.

2. You feel exhausted by the relationship

One-sided relationships are taxing, both emotionally and physically. If you find yourself feeling relieved when your partner or spouse has to go out of town or work late, you might have a one-sided relationship. Part of the feelings of exhaustion can come from emotional tension and resentment that often builds when a relationship is unfair.

3. You are the only one who ever apologizes

Conflict is a natural, normal part of any balanced relationship. However, in healthy relationships, the person who causes the conflict will own up to their actions and apologize to make things right. If you find that you are always apologizing — regardless of who was at fault — just to restore peace, you may be in a one-sided relationship. You can’t be the one who’s wrong all the time , right?

4. You’re the only one who sacrifices or gives

Another sign of a one way relationship is feeling like you’re the only one who sacrifices to make your relationship work. Are you the one who moved, quit your job, pays more than half of the common expenses, or makes all the large purchases in the relationship? If the answer is yes, it might be time to reassess. 

5. You make all the plans

Not everyone is a planner or decision maker. However, if it’s always you who has to decide what you’re going to do, where you’re going on vacation, or how you’re going to spend or save your money, you may be quite a bit more invested in your relationship than your partner or spouse is. 

Part of being in a partnership is having a partner — don’t take everything on yourself. It’s not fair, and eventually, you’ll end up resenting all the burden that’s on you.  

6. You make a lot of excuses for your partner’s behavior

Another one of the signs of a one-sided relationship is making excuses (to yourself or others) for your partner’s behavior. Do you repeatedly say that your partner is too tired, works too hard, or has too much on their mind? You should think about making a change in the dynamics of your relationship if so. You don’t have to excuse their behavior, and you certainly don’t need to spend time defending it. 

7. You are the “big decision maker”

Some people are just better at making decisions than others. However, no one wants to have to make all of the big decisions. If your partner’s go-to response is “it doesn’t matter,” it’s OK to have an honest conversation and tell them that yes, it DOES matter. Even though getting to a place where you share in the decision-making can take some work, ultimately, it can bring you closer as a couple.

8. Financial contributions are uneven (and usually not in your favor)

When one person puts in significantly more money than the other in a relationship, it can cause things to feel uneven. It’s important to have healthy communication and a mutually agreed-upon financial plan. If the same partner’s responsible for the majority of the financial obligations, it can become problematic. 

If you’re on the paying end, you might begin to feel taken advantage of. The grass isn’t always greener, since even the “non-payer” in this scenario can take a hit to their self-esteem. Sometimes it’s just a reality you must deal with in a relationship — one person might make more money. You might not be able to change that, but you can be sure to discuss finances openly and honestly, so both of you feel confident and secure in your financial roles. 

9. You often feel insecure in the relationship 

Insecurity in relationships can cause one partner to want to do everything in their power to be needed by the other. It can also be a result of an uneven relationship. If you’re not connecting or communicating, it can be easy to feel insecure. When your partner’s constantly insecure, it can breed feelings of resentment and distrust. 

10. Your communication isn’t great

Good communication is essential to any healthy relationship. If you’ve gotten into the habit of barely talking, or worse, not listening to each other or displaying unrequited love, it’s easy to see how your relationship got off track. Make a conscious effort to set aside time to have a conversation about your day. Maybe you need to turn off the TV in the evening or take an after-dinner walk together. Learning how to communicate better in a relationship can help you both feel more understood and connected, fostering a stronger bond and a deeper level of intimacy.

What Causes a One-Sided Relationship?

A one way relationship can be caused by several things. It can develop over time or seemingly overnight. Some of the relationship challenges that may cause a relationship to be one-sided include:

Poor communication

When someone doesn’t feel heard in a relationship, they might pull away, leading to things becoming uneven. Research shows that when people struggle with being able to communicate effectively, they might not be able to find relationships that meet their emotional needs. Additionally, poor communication can also be a barrier to repairing a damaged or one-sided relationship.

Insecurity

If one party is consciously or subconsciously afraid of losing the relationship, they may try to do everything they can in an attempt to become irreplaceable. This can tip the scales of an even and balanced relationship, making things more one-sided than is natural or healthy.

Individual problems

Sometimes one or both partners are dealing with something overwhelming that keeps them from putting in their fair share in the relationship. It might be financial stress, emotional issues, mental health problems, or stress at work. Whatever the problem, if it’s distracting from the partnership, the result can be an uneven relationship.

Passive-aggressive behavior

Passive-aggressive tendencies can also cause a relationship to be one-sided. This is when one person intentionally creates burdens in the relationship to saddle their partner with more responsibilities.

The Effects of a One-Sided Relationship

Being in a one-sided relationship can have significant effects on both individuals involved. These effects often manifest emotionally, mentally, and even physically, contributing to the overall strain on the relationship.

Emotional exhaustion

Constantly investing more effort and energy into the relationship than your partner can leave you feeling emotionally drained. This exhaustion can stem from feelings of being underappreciated or unsupported.

Increased anxiety and stress

The imbalance in a one-sided relationship can lead to heightened anxiety and stress. You might constantly worry about the stability of the relationship or feel overwhelmed by the burden of keeping things together.

Lowered self-esteem

Continuously feeling undervalued can take a toll on your self-esteem. You might start to question your worth and feel less confident in your abilities to maintain a healthy relationship.

Resentment and frustration

Over time, the unequal distribution of effort can breed resentment and frustration. These negative feelings can create further distance between you and your partner, making it even harder to communicate and connect.

Physical health issues

The stress and emotional toll of a one-sided relationship can also manifest physically. You might experience symptoms like headaches, insomnia, or a weakened immune system, all of which can impact your overall well-being.

It’s important that you address the causes of a one-sided relationship before these effects significantly harm your well-being and overall happiness.

Can You Fix a One-Sided Relationship?

The good news is there are many things you can do if you’re hoping to find out how to fix a one-sided relationship…as long as that’s what both parties want. It’s important to start healthy relationships by being honest with yourself and your partner about what’s really causing your relationship to be out of balance.

“Relationships require work and just like individuals, they require self-care and attention. Oftentimes, external stressors can bear weight on the healthiest relationships. It’s OK to take some time out to express what’s going on with each other. One-sided relationships can sometimes feel like they’re heading down the wrong path, but it doesn’t take long to understand that things like insecurities, family relationships, or even job woes are the unnoticed contributing factors to the stress in a partnership.”

Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

How to Fix a One-Sided Relationship

If you’re wondering how to fix a one-sided relationship, we have a few suggestions. The following are ways you can balance a relationship so that both partners feel valued, loved, respected, and understood, which can go a long way in creating a healthy and mutually rewarding partnership.

Talk, talk, talk…and then listen

As we mentioned above, nothing beats open communication. Fortunately, communication is a skill that can be learned. Practice your communication skills regularly with your partner through communication exercises for couples. It’ll not only bring you closer but help each of you feel heard and valued.

Accept the other person’s behavior

There might be a limit to how much someone can change, even when they want to modify their behavior. If you or your significant other has always been introverted, a bit messy, or not very handy in the kitchen, being realistic about who you or they are can help manage expectations. This, in turn, can help each of you come to a mutual understanding and accept one another.

Note, this doesn’t mean you have to just accept that someone can’t work on themselves, though. Therapy can be very effective at helping people identify harmful or destructive thought processes and behavior patterns so they can change for the better. 

Try therapy

As mentioned, in-person or online therapy can be very helpful in identifying relationship issues so you can learn skills to better cope with the things that cause imbalance. Sometimes it takes an impartial third party, like a therapist, to help you to see a situation clearly and achieve your relationship goals.

When to End a One-Sided Relationship

While every relationship requires effort and compromise, there are times when the best option is to walk away for your own well-being. If you’re starting to feel that your relationship is one-sided, and you’ve already made efforts to work through things with little or no success, it might be time to end the relationship. 

If you’re struggling to determine if your efforts are being reciprocated and if the relationship is meeting your emotional needs, it may be time to reassess its viability. Here are some signs that it may be time to end the one-sided relationship:

• Persistent imbalance: If the imbalance in the relationship persists despite your efforts to communicate and address the issue, it might be a sign that the relationship is not sustainable. Both partners need to be willing to work towards a balanced partnership.
• Emotional distress: If the relationship is causing you more emotional distress than happiness, it’s a strong indicator that it might be time to move on. Constantly feeling anxious, stressed, or undervalued is not conducive to a healthy relationship.
• Negative impact on other areas of life: When a one-sided relationship starts to negatively affect other areas of your life, such as your work, friendships, or overall happiness, it’s crucial to reassess its value. Your relationship should enhance your life, not detract from it.
• Loss of individual identity: If you feel like you’re losing your sense of self or compromising your values and needs to keep the relationship afloat, it’s a clear sign that it might be time to end things. Maintaining your identity is essential for your well-being and self-respect.

Connect with a Couple’s Therapist

If you recognize one or more of these signs of a one-sided relationship, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is over. It does mean that you need to spend some time and energy fixing the underlying issues that have caused your relationship to be skewed until you have a successful relationship. Don’t be reluctant to seek out a relationship therapist. Online couples therapy might be just what you need to see and address your issues in an unbiased, productive way.

It’s not too late to learn how to fix a broken relationship. Ready to take your relationship to the next level? Talkspace can help. Our online therapy platform is helping couples with all types of relationship issues heal and strengthen their relationship. You don’t have to stay in a one-sided relationship, but you don’t necessarily have to leave one, either. Get help with couples therapy today. 

Practice Communication and Patience

Communication is vital to any relationship, but it’s especially important when you’re dating someone with abandonment issues. When you’re open and honest with your partner, you can build trust and help them feel more secure. Not only can consistent communication strengthen your relationship, but it can improve your emotional well-being.

Although communication is a two-way street, try not to pressure your partner to discuss their feelings with you. Many people with a fear of abandonment are guarded, and it can take time to tear down the walls they’ve built up. Focus on sharing your own feelings, and let your partner know that you’re always there to listen if they want or need to talk. 

Whether you’re trying to support a boyfriend or want to learn how to love a woman with abandonment issues, patience is key. Communication won’t transform your relationship overnight, but it can have a positive impact over time. Continue to be open and honest with your partner and show them that it’s okay to trust you. 

Be Honest 

Lying to a romantic partner actually isn’t all that uncommon. A 2017 YouGov survey found that 79% of respondents had lied to their significant other at least once. If you’re trying to learn how to help someone with abandonment issues, though, try to buck the trends and stick with the truth. 

Lies aren’t always about deceiving someone. At times, you may be tempted to lie to your partner to protect their feelings. Remind yourself that little white lies might seem harmless, but to someone who has abandonment issues, even a small fib can feel like confirmation of their deepest fears and lead to bigger trust issues. 

You should also try to avoid lies of omission. If you bottle up your emotions, your partner might become anxious about what you’re not telling them. Being honest about positive and negative feelings can help you build a secure relationship.

Be Prepared to Prove Yourself 

It can be hard for someone with abandonment issues to work past their fear of rejection, even when they’re in a supportive and loving relationship. At times, it may feel like your partner is constantly doubting your feelings or looking for proof that you don’t really care. This can be frustrating and hurtful, especially when you’ve invested so much time and energy into the relationship. 

You may have learned how to love someone with abandonment issues, but that doesn’t always mean your partner can truly believe that your feelings are sincere. Fears of abandonment are often rooted in past hurt, and your partner’s experiences may have given them trust issues. Your partner may even feel the need to pull away from you to try and protect themselves. 

Working through each abandonment fear will require you to prove yourself. You’ll have to consistently show your partner that you’re different from their past relationship or other people in the past who have hurt them. Try not to take it personally when your partner questions your feelings, and remind yourself that their fears aren’t a reflection of you.

Avoid Unhealthy Behavior & Don’t Try to Fix Them

When you’re dating someone with abandonment issues, it’s easy to feel like you’re responsible for their relationship anxiety. Your partner may be afraid of losing you, but that doesn’t mean you’ll cure them if you stick around. Instead of trying to fix your partner, you should focus on building a healthy relationship. 

“Fear of loss is often at the core of fear of abandonment. So, it’s important not to enable this. When possible, validate positive reframed thoughts while practicing an openness towards your partner who may have been hurt in the past. All relationships require effort, and at times it can often feel like you need to fix your partner. Instead, it’s best to take the pressure off both of you by offering space for understanding and clear communication.”

Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW 

Even though it can be difficult, it’s important to set healthy relationship boundaries. Don’t be afraid to spend time on your own or with friends, even if it makes your partner anxious or upset. Enabling someone might make them feel better in the short term, but it can hurt you both in the long run. 

It’s normal to want to help the people you care about, but even if you know how to love a woman with abandonment issues or a man who struggles with abandonment fear, your love won’t make their fears disappear. The best thing you can do for your partner is support them in a healthy way.

Consider Therapy 

No, you can’t take away your partner’s issues, but you can encourage them to get the help they need. Therapy can help people with abandonment issues begin to process their abandonment trauma, reframe negative thought patterns, and develop healthy coping strategies. 

If you really want to build a healthier relationship or change enabling behaviors, you may also want to consider individual or couples counseling. A counselor can help you and your partner work through your relationship issues while providing guidance and support. 

Get connected with online couples counseling or individual counseling at Talkspace today.

Sources:

1. Cohen J, Menon S, Shorey R, Le V, Temple J. The distal consequences of physical and emotional neglect in emerging adults: A person-centered, multi-wave, longitudinal study. Child Abuse & Neglect. 2017;63:151-161. doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2016.11.030. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5282706/. Accessed August 13, 2022.

2. De Netto P, Quek K, Golden K. Communication, the Heart of a Relationship: Examining Capitalization, Accommodation, and Self-Construal on Relationship Satisfaction. Front Psychol. 2021;12. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.767908. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8710473/. Accessed August 13, 2022.

3. McCarriston G. Is it normal to lie to your significant other? 49% of Americans have more than once | YouGov. Today.yougov.com. https://today.yougov.com/topics/lifestyle/articles-reports/2017/10/17/49-americans-have-lied-their-significant-others-mo. Published 2017. Accessed August 13, 2022.

1. Plan an at-home picnic

If you’re eating at home this Valentine’s Day, switch up your normal dinner routine. Cook up (or order in!) your favorite dish and make a picnic on the porch, balcony, or living room floor. If you prefer your dining table, break out the fine china to make it extra special. 

Then, use this moment to discuss some new connection rituals you’d like to implement in your relationship. It could be simple things like drinking your morning coffee together, sitting down for lunch without your devices, walking around the neighborhood after work, or cocktails on the porch when the kids (or pets!) are asleep. When you form habits of connection during small, intimate moments, you create a foundation for consistency and trust for the long haul. 

2. Add questions to a fun activity

This could be as simple as a puzzle or game! These activities free you up to connect through conversation while also alleviating some of the pressure by focusing your attention on a shared activity. 

While you play (or eat or craft!), ask some open-ended questions using a question book or a quick internet search. These can be lighthearted, like, “What’s the best dream you’ve ever had?” but don’t forget about the deep stuff, too. Be vulnerable. Maybe, “If you could change one thing about your childhood, what would it be?” 

Then ask your partner what they need most from you right now and then answer that question for yourself. 

“Asking directly and honestly for what you need opens the door for your partner to meet your needs and for you both to feel more connected,” says Liz Colizza, lead couples therapist and the Director of Research & Programs at Lasting.

“If you need to, address these strange times directly. The COVID era has been hard on everyone. Identify the losses that have happened during this time. Name them out loud with your partner, because this helps you know how to support each other. Then, spend time examining what it would look like to show up for each other in big ways this season.” 

Liz Colizza, LPC, NCC

Being explicit about what you’ve both suffered or lost during this turbulent time can actually help alleviate some ambient anxiety and facilitate deeper connection.

3. Try couple’s therapy or attend a relationship workshop

Improving your relationship doesn’t have to be drudgery — you may learn about your partner in ways you never imagined. Talkspace couples therapy lets you rediscover the strengths of your relationship — and make it more meaningful than ever. 

If you’re looking for more of an event, Lasting offers live and on-demand virtual workshops for couples that are hosted by licensed therapists. These experts will guide you through exercises to enhance your connection and communication. Workshop topics include rebuilding trust, healing conflict, and increasing desire. They even cover topics like how to have great date night conversation — perfect for Valentine’s Day!

The best part? All Lasting workshops are totally free for subscribers. Get started with 30% off and 7 days for free with your partner! 

Set aside some time on date night to engage with one another with the help of a therapist and some guided questions. Working with a therapist can benefit any kind of relationship, especially when dating someone with bipolar, anxiety, or another mental health condition.

4. Do something new

What’s an activity you’ve never done before as a couple? Maybe it’s hiking together, playing tennis, or wine tasting. Perhaps you’ve always wanted to learn to waltz (YouTube has a tutorial for everything!).

When you do something new, you learn new things about each other. And you might even gain a new passion together! Win-win.

Let this romantic holiday be the nudge you need to make new memories with your partner.

5. Create new spaces together

Heart set on a date night in? Change up your space by rearranging your furniture. Paint a room, hang new art on your walls, or add some greenery. Redesigning your space can give you a fresh outlook and a fresh environment to help connect in new ways. 

And while you’re hanging frames, maybe you could talk about your small successes from this past year. Even in the middle of a second pandemic year, you likely made progress. What are you most proud of? 

“Celebrating together increases connection and gratitude,” says Colizza, “So don’t forget to acknowledge the small accomplishments.”

(A champagne toast doesn’t hurt, either!)

6. Connect with your senses

If your sex life has been affected by the stress of the past year, you’re not alone. Increasing intimacy is possible with care and intentionality. 

“Many of us get stuck in our heads during sex and disconnect from the pleasure of the moment,” says Colizza, “To experience more connection, it’s important to intentionally tune into our bodies.” 

How? Start by thinking about your five senses. What are some non-sexual things that are pleasurable for you? Perhaps it’s chocolate, music, or a soft blanket. Add some freshness to the bedroom by incorporating those elements that most please your senses. When you change the context, it can silence your inhibitions and increase your desire. 

Finally, don’t forget that talking about sex is one of the best ways to increase your sexual satisfaction. Be open about what you want from your partner. Ask them about their favorite sexual experience with you and why they felt that way. When you’re vulnerable and open up, it encourages your partner to do the same. 

“Also, it’s a myth that only spontaneous sex is good sex,” Colizza adds, “Don’t be afraid to schedule sex, because it can actually increase anticipation and longing.” 

Plan ahead and prioritize this important part of your connection this Valentine’s Day!

7. Get creative

Get in touch with your creative side! Make a new cocktail. Take a painting class. Bake dessert together. Sketch each other’s portraits or plan your spring garden. The options are endless. 

The key is to have fun with it. While you’re creating together, talk about your favorite relationship memory from this past year. Discuss one positive relationship goal you have for 2022 and share what you appreciate most about your partner. Use the creative time as an opportunity to share openly with each other.

This year, make your Valentine’s plans early and prioritize your emotional connection. Because no matter how you choose to spend the day, you can still ramp up the romance and make fun memories along the way.

Want to try Lasting? The best way to get started is with a free relationship health quiz. Get 30% off and 7 days for free with your partner. Amazingly, 94% of couples who use Lasting report new relationship strengths!

The Importance of Understanding Emotional Calls 

According to Liz Colizza, LPC, NCC, Lasting’s Head of Therapy, the #1 tip for couples who are ready to increase their connection and protect their relationship against life’s curveballs and is to understand emotional calls.

What are emotional calls? Emotional calls are your daily attempts to connect with your partner. They can be posed as questions, (“How do I look?”), requests, (“Can you do the dishes tonight?”) or expressions (a long sigh). Every call asks the question, “Will you be there for me?”

“Every time your partner recognizes and responds positively to your calls,” says Liz Colizza, “They answer your subliminal question with a resounding, ‘Yes!’ and trust increases.”

Dr. John Gottman, the world’s foremost marriage researcher, discovered that healthy couples respond positively to their partner’s calls 86% of the time, while unhealthy couples on the path to separation respond positively only 33% of the time. Your partner sends you dozens of emotional calls every day, which adds up to 5,000 to 10,000 per year and 250,000 to 500,000 in a 50-year marriage.

These small moments and your responses build on each other to create a significant narrative that you tell yourself about your relationship over time: positive, neutral, or negative. This narrative is the result of your emotional calls being met or unmet. And it can change! In other words, you have the power to determine your relationship outcome. 

“If things feel rocky between you right now, you can start responding positively to your partner’s emotional calls and begin a new story today,” Colizza says. 

And the same rule applies for your partner.

When you feel heard and appreciated, it’s much more likely that you’ll respond positively to your partner’s emotional calls, and a connection cycle begins. You build trust in the small moments today, and then you have a great week, which turns into a great month, which turns into a great year and beyond. 

Sure, you’ll still deal with conflict, but you can trust in the everyday proof that your partner is there for you when it matters most. 

This knowledge and comfort in your relationship will help safeguard you and your partner against relationship threats that might otherwise lead to separation or divorce down the road. 

“By creating this pattern of positive communication you are more likely to give your partner the benefit of the doubt in miscommunications because you have experienced your partner as accessible, responsive, and engaged which are the three threads of secure attachment.” 

Lasting therapist Liz Colizza, LPC, NCC.

How to Incorporate the Understanding of Emotional Calls in Daily Life

The first step to understanding emotional calls is to learn more about your own emotional calls (what do you most need your partner’s support for?) and practice asking clearly and directly for what you need. 

Next, learn your partner’s calls. Do they often text or call just to connect? Do they express a desire to eat or watch TV together? Do they vent to you after work? Ask yourself what they  need from you in that moment and then offer a response with kindness. (For those of you who have been together only a few weeks or months, these rules still apply. Even as you’re getting to know each other’s likes, dislikes, and personalities, take time to identify each other’s calls, too. Trust us, it’ll save you from conflict in the long run!)

“With emotional calls, your goal is not to make your partner happy, instead, the goal is to appreciate them for who they are and boldly love them into becoming the best version of themselves.”

Lasting therapist Liz Colizza, LPC, NCC.

This Valentine’s Day, whether you’re out at a fancy dinner or snuggled up at home, take some time to talk about your emotional calls. Ask your partner what they need from you in this stage of your relationship, and then share your desires as well. In order to make the most progress, remember to approach this conversation gently and with kindness. You’ve got this!

A lasting relationship is in reach, and we’re here to help you along the way. 

Take Lasting’s free relationship assessment today.

Sources: 

1. Driver, J.L. & Gottman, J.M. (2004). Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Family process, 43 (3), 301-314. https://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Driver-and-Gottman-2004.pdf

What Are Common Trust Issues in a Relationship?

There are different types and levels of trust issues. Some are more common than others.

Jealousy: Jealousy can cause even bigger relationship problems. If one person is jealous, they may feel the need to know where their partner is at all times. Or, worse, they might not want to ever be without their partner. They may feel threatened by third parties, and have a tendency to be smothering, overbearing, controlling, possessive, and often can anger easily.

Pistanthrophobia: Pistanthrophobia is the fear of being able to trust others. It’s more common in romantic partnerships, and it can result in an excessive and typically irrational fear about one’s partner or about a specific situation or activity. It’s important to point out that pistanthrophobia doesn’t engage a rational thought process. Those who experience it have likely never truly encountered any of the dangers or threats they fear, but their perception is so real that they might cope through avoidance or distancing.

Broken “partner-picker”: The broken partner-picker results in someone who doesn’t trust themself. The lack of trust really doesn’t have anything to do with their partner at all. Still, it can still cause great harm to the relationship. If your partner is this type of person, you’ll have to deal with them never feeling satisfied in your relationship. They don’t trust their own choices, and they probably have a near-constant grass is always greener perception of the world. They’ll always wonder if something better is around the corner

More wrong than right: People who see things this way will focus on finding everything that’s “wrong” with their partner or relationship. They’re overly critical and continuously pick apart their partner or find reasons why the relationship isn’t a good fit and will never be successful. They don’t even need to have something specific wrong. They often just have a general sense of mistrust, which can be problematic for obvious reasons.

11 Signs You Have Trust Issues

Wondering if you have trust issues in a relationship? First off, if you’re wondering about it, there’s a good chance you might have something worth working on. There are several behaviors that can indicate you might be dealing with a trust issue.

You assume your partner is trying to hurt you

If you have trust issues, you might be inclined to assume others — particularly romantic partners — are doing things on purpose to try and hurt you. You might feel like it’s hard to accept compliments, tender gestures, or even just love. It can be hard for you to believe that your partner does things out of genuine love for you rather than having some ulterior motive.

You tend to avoid commitment

People with trust issues in their relationships might have a hard time committing to a partner. Your intense fear of opening up to others can hold you back, especially in relationships. You fear the vulnerability of being open, and you may even truly believe that a trusting or deep relationship isn’t possible.

You isolate yourself from other people

Sometimes trust issues can transfer into such an intense phobia about commitment that you might have the urge to walk at even the smallest sense of discontent or trouble in a relationship. If you believe you can’t trust your partner, it can become harder to interact with them on a deeper level. Further, establishing and nurturing new relationships can become overwhelming and something you might begin to actively avoid.

You pick fights with your partner

Feeling like you can’t trust your partner might cause you to create intentional turmoil in your relationship. Sometimes you may even find that you’re starting fights or arguments over silly, petty things. Trust issues can lay below the surface until they manifest into much bigger, often unrelated, things that can have a negative impact on your relationship.

You are secretive

It’s not uncommon for people who have trust issues to be secretive themselves. The underlying rationale here is not wanting to open up and be vulnerable out of fear you won’t be accepted or loved if you show your true self. The fear of rejection can ultimately cause you to try and be perfect all the time in an effort to avoid being discarded by an unapproving partner.

You have an innate belief that your partner is trying to hurt or deceive you

Trust issues can lead to believing that someone in your life, yes even your partner, wants to hurt you. Depending on the root cause of your hesitancy to trust, you may convince yourself that you don’t deserve love, so you might believe that of course your partner would be willing to hurt or deceive you at some point.

You’re reluctant to open up to your partner

If you have trust issues, it might be hard for you to open up to others. This can be exasperated when you’re in a romantic relationship. Fear that you’ll be rejected or that your ideas and opinions won’t be valued can make you afraid to be open and honest with your partner. 

You feel overprotective 

It can be common for people with trust issues to feel the need to be overprotective. This can be a need to protect yourself or those you’re closest to. A tendency to imagine the worst possible outcome, or to be defensive about people you care about, can be a byproduct of your inability to trust. Catastrophic thinking can be a big contributor to feeling overprotective.

You have issues with intimacy

It makes sense that trust can affect how intimate you are with your partner. A lack of trust and fear of intimacy can lead to feeling like you can’t connect with the people in your life. If your level of intimacy is being affected by trust issues in a relationship, it can cause problems in other areas of the relationship as well.

You have dramatic relationships

When there’s a lack of trust in a relationship, it can cause very volatile interactions between two people. If you tend to have very dramatic, rocky relationships and you fight with your partner a lot, it might be due to your issues with trust.  

You feel terror during intimate moments with your partner

Being intimate, by definition, means that you experience intense closeness with someone else in a personal relationship. If you’re unable to trust that person, having intimate interactions can lead to feelings of vulnerability that can cause you extreme duress. If it’s to the point where you feel terrified when you’re intimate, it may be time to look at why you’re feeling so insecure with your partner.

Common Causes of Trust Issues

Trust issues can be caused by many different experiences or things in life. Part of knowing how to deal with trust issues in a relationship is understanding why you have the issues in the first place.

Childhood experiences and trauma

Traumatic experiences in childhood can lead to trust issues throughout your life. If you were abused, neglected, or generally mistreated as a child, you might find that you have problems trusting people even once you’re an adult.

Social rejection

People who experience social isolation or rejection might begin to build up a wall as a means of self-preservation. Particularly if bullying is involved, you might have learned at some point not to trust others out of fear of being harmed. Over any length of time, this rejection and pain can lead to issues of self-esteem, which plays a big role in how you’re able to trust people.

Trauma

Assault, abuse, or any traumatic life event can affect how you interact with and trust others. Traumatic events like the following can have a significant impact on your ability to trust:

• Serious illness
• Severe accident
• Grief over loss of a family member or friend
• Damage or theft of personal property
• Infidelity
• Physical abuse
• Sexual assault
• Combat

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

People who have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) have experienced a traumatic event in their life and are more likely to fear perceived danger in the future. The outcome of this might include a fear of trusting others or allowing them to get too close to you. 

If you have PTSD, it’s not uncommon for you to relive the trauma you experienced over and over in your brain. This can induce anxiety, which can lead to an urge to isolate and not interact with others. All these things together can play a role in your hesitancy to trust.

Mental health conditions

Some mental health conditions or symptoms can sometimes lead to trust issues in a relationship. A few that are common include: 

• Adjustment disorders
• Anxiety
• Attachment issues
• Delusions or hallucinations
• Depression
• Fear of abandonment
• Paranoia
• Post-traumatic stress
• Schizophrenia

How to Work Through Trust Issues in a Relationship

Though trust issues can make things difficult, there is a little bit of good news. If you’re looking for tips on how to deal with trust issues in a relationship, know that you can get help. The following ideas are ways you can navigate your trust issues and begin to heal, so you can develop healthy, happy, and honest relationships where you can trust your partner. 

1. Start to focus on self-discovery

Self-discovery is beneficial any time you’re trying to heal or grow. Understanding the source or root of why you have trust issues is step 1 of the process. It’s only by knowing why you behave the way you do that you can begin to change your reactions to situations and start living in a healthier and more productive way.

2. Process your pain

Once you understand the root of your issues, you can begin to process the pain that resulted from them. Whether your inability to trust stems from hurt, betrayal, abuse, or something else in your past, acknowledging the experience is key to being able to move on from it.

3. Learn to be OK with risks

When we’re afraid to trust, we might be hesitant to take risks. Risk aversion is healthy in some cases, but when it’s hindering your ability to grow in a relationship, it can become problematic. If you’re looking for concrete ideas on how to fix trust issues in a relationship, focusing on being able to take a risk can be a big part of the process. 

Any time you trust somebody, there’s the risk of being hurt. To have a healthy relationship, you need to understand and be comfortable with that idea. The two go hand-in-hand, so if you’re focusing on being OK with taking a risk, you might be able to trust your partner more and more every day.

4. Work on communication with your partner

Communication is essential in any relationship. When trust issues come into play, being able to establish healthy communication skills with your partner is one way you can work on building trust. If your partner knows and understands what your boundaries are (because you’ve been able to adequately express them), they’re able to respect them. This can help you learn to trust more.

“Clear communication and setting tangible boundaries will be important to rebuild trust and work through the bumps that will, inevitably, happen along the way of working together though the trust issues.” 

Talkspace Therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

5. Know when you need help

Sometimes despite our best efforts, our work to improve trust issues in a relationship may come to a standstill. If you’ve hit a roadblock and you need help, don’t be afraid to get it. If you’re able to find and work with a qualified, good therapist or mental health professional, you can start making strides towards improving your trust issues.

Sources:

1. Americans’ trust in other Americans. Pew Research Center – U.S. Politics & Policy. https://www.pewresearch.org/politics/2019/07/22/the-state-of-personal-trust/. Published 2019. Accessed December 9, 2021.

“If you or your partner have been emotionally cheating, oftentimes people will say that there is ‘something missing’ from their relationship.  It is crucial to take a look at what you are getting from that outside relationship so you can begin to discuss how to strengthen the communication and connection with your partner.”

Talkspace Therapist Jill Daino, LCSW-R, BC-TMH

Sources:
1. Us C, Infographics P. 20 Important Emotional Affair Statistics – HRF. HRF. https://healthresearchfunding.org/20-important-emotional-affair-statistics/. Accessed December 7, 2021.

Importance of Relationship Communication Exercises 

Couples therapy exercises for communication allow partners to learn how to talk and listen to one another. This is just one of the many benefits of couples therapy. This positive communication process involves exchanging, in a productive manner, thoughts, ideas, information, and knowledge. How you communicate directly relates to how well you can come together as partners. When your communication is strong, and on point, physical and emotional intimacy can be strengthened, and trust can be reinforced in your spouse.

Studies have consistently shown that couples who are good communicators have a greater chance of having a happier, longer romantic relationship compared to those who don’t communicate well or at all.

“Talking about what is wrong is easy, but what’s going well should be at the core of the discussion. We tend to want to fix or perfect our relationships, although honoring growth, transition and change deserve as much attention. When communicating, practice clarity, generosity, and honesty, not only with your partner or spouse but also with yourself about your own needs.”

Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C

Remember that  “communicating” isn’t just talking in good communication. There are couples therapy techniques that will ensure you’re both being heard and that you’re validating one another’s feelings.

Some of the more beneficial relationship exercises for couples’ communication follow. 

1. Validation Exercises

Validation is important in any relationship. We all want to feel validated in life. In your relationships, validation can make you feel secure when you open up and are vulnerable. Validation and trust-building exercises help you fully connect and feel like you can trust your partner. Especially when dealing with relationship problems and conflict, it can be even more difficult to express your feelings if you don’t feel safe.

It’s really important to understand that validation is not simply agreeing with each other. Rather, it’s acknowledging someone’s emotions, thoughts, or feelings, and then making sure they know you hear them and are making a concerted effort to understand them.

2. Positive Language Exercises

When couples speak to one another with positive communication styles and language, conversations tend to be more well-received. It makes sense that a positive tone would trump a negative one, especially when couples are trying to navigate difficult situations or topics. Research has reinforced the idea that it’s often not what you say, but how you say it. This refers to one’s communication styles.

Using negative language can result in communication problems and one partner feeling either accused, attacked, or both. An easy way to practice positive language exercises is to just think about what you’re saying and then frame it up in a more positive version. 

For example, rather than saying, “Those pants don’t look good on you,” you could say, “I love those black pants you wore on our last date night.”

3. Active Listening Exercises

Sometimes we might come across as if we have a need to be right. Active listening can be an excellent way to change this. In an exercise also known as uninterrupted active listening, you don’t interrupt your partner while they’re expressing their needs or feelings. You might think that you’re being helpful by giving relationship advice or explanations while your partner is opening up to you, but this can be misinterpreted as you feel like you know more than your partner does.

To conduct an uninterrupted active listening exercise, simply set a clock for anywhere from 3 to 5 minutes and then allow one partner to talk openly. They’re free to express whatever they’re thinking about. It can be related to school, work, friendships, the children, relationship stress, or anything else at all. 

The silent partner can give verbal communication support using gestures and nonverbal communication clues, but they shouldn’t speak during the designated time. Once time is up, switch speakers and conduct the couples communication exercise once more. 

At the end of each speaker’s time, the silent partner can check in if they need clarification about any points — this part is important because it ensures that what was said is understood. Over time, a deeper understanding of one another will develop. Using language like “Would you mind telling me more about this?” can be effective here. 

“Mindful and reflective listening should not be mutually exclusive and are a great exercise. Practice offering thoughtful and authentic responses after being a mindful listener. How we express ourselves can reveal how much or how little we care, to the same degree as what is said, and if we are lazy about how we share, we run the risk of holding ourselves less accountable and less motivated to be open towards each other.”

Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C

4. Extended Eye Contact Exercises

Extended eye contact is a powerful way to learn about how your partner truly feels. In this non-verbal exercise, neither partner speaks. Using just an eye-to-eye connection, you sit across from your partner in a calm, relaxing, and peaceful place. You maintain eye contact for up to five minutes without turning away or breaking the gaze. During this time, you should allow all of your innermost feelings to come up.

At the end of the specified time, you and your partner should talk about the experience. Share how you felt and try to verbalize any sensations that you noted throughout the session. 

Perhaps the most important part of this exercise is after your discussion when each person should really think about what the other said. How well was each of you able to pick up on gestures and nonverbal cues during the exercise?

5. ‘I’ Statement Exercises

The classic “I” statement technique is one of the most well-known communication exercises for couples. Here, you want to eliminate finger-pointing, blaming, criticizing, and shaming — all of which are very common ways that couples might attempt to engage with each other during conflict. The problem with this type of communication is it can lead to a disconnect or detachment rather than strengthening the relationship.

If you’re upset about something in a relationship, using “I” statements can let you take responsibility for your own feelings while reducing how much blame you’re putting on your partner. 

“I” language has been shown in studies to reduce the likelihood that discussions about conflict will lead to an explosive confrontation. Ultimately, “I” statements can help us deepen connections with everyone in our lives, not just our romantic partners.

6. Three and Three Exercises

Three and three exercises are simple but effective. To complete the process, you and your partner should sit separately in a quiet place where you won’t be distracted. The only tools you need are a piece of paper and a pen. 

Both of you should write down three things you don’t love, and three things you do love about your partner. Be sure that you’re open and honest with what you write down because you’ll use these to communicate and hopefully enact change in your relationship.

Make sure that when you share your lists with each other, you’re in a very neutral setting and that you remain calm. Try not to feel offended about your partner’s list. Rather than look at that don’t love list as a deal-breaker, look at it as an opportunity.

7. “I Feel ____ when _____” Exercises

Sometimes it can be difficult to express how we feel. It’s not uncommon for one partner in a relationship to feel like they’re shutting down or closing themself off. They simply can’t find the words to fully express themselves. I feel exercise can help you overcome this roadblock in a relationship.

An example of this technique is having one person identify an emotion that’s connected to an act or situation, and then just filling in the blanks. This can sound like: I feel _________ when you are late getting home. Or I feel _________ when you cancel plans on me. 

The more we practice identifying how we feel and then expressing that specific emotion, the more natural it will begin to feel. 

8. Lend Me a Hand Exercises

The lend me a hand exercise requires both partners to participate so they can finish an assignment. Each of you should have one hand secured behind your backs as a reflection of the need to cooperate and work together. During the exercise, you’ll both be using verbal communication to fully complete the task at hand. An added bonus to this couples therapy exercise is it can often help people look at their relationship in terms of who plays more of the captain role, and who is more of the leader.

Lend me a hand exercises encourage couples to look at how they’ll likely deal with stress in their relationship. Then they can figure out how to overcome future struggles.

9. Prediction Method Exercises

The prediction method is yet another effective communication exercise for couples. The prediction method is based on the idea that many couples overestimate how they think they might react to a situation compared to how their partner will react. Focus on trying not to make assumptions by jotting down several different situations and predicting how you think your partner will react to each.

Reviewing your responses gives you a safe space to discuss each other’s feelings while giving your partner the chance to respond to your assumption. In the long run, this couples therapy exercise might prevent problems and mistrust in future difficult situations.

10. Reminiscing Exercises

Nostalgia can invoke deep feelings for partners. Revisiting old memories can remind you both why you fell in love in the first place. 

The only thing you need to do to complete this exercise is just to spend time together. Take the time to focus on good memories or special times in your relationship. You can use photo albums, letters, or cards that you’ve saved, gifts that were given to each other — anything that’s a reminder of past kindness that’s been expressed in your relationship.

When we revisit memories that are associated with sweet times, we tend to feel more connected and closer to each other.

11. Daily or Weekly Check-In Exercises

Checking in regularly with your partner is a way to reconnect and avoid the distractions that life is often full of. Scheduling actual time to check in with each other on a deeper level can prevent your relationship from going off track too far. 

Regular date nights or even a quick check-in during daily routines can be hugely beneficial. Something as simple as taking a walk around the block in the evenings can go a long way in fostering communication and letting you reconnect.

12. Expressing Gratitude Exercises

Expressing gratitude isn’t just good for couples. It’s a good practice anywhere in life. Focusing on gratitude as a therapy exercise lets both sides feel appreciated and not taken for granted. 

Taking the time to say a simple thank you or acknowledge the other person’s effort can really make a difference in your relationship. Especially if you or your partner respond to words of affirmation, expressing gratitude can satisfy an important need.

13. Behavior Change Requests Exercises

Behavior change requests can only come after much work has been done. Once both people understand and validate each other‘s feelings, the requests can begin. This one is fairly simple. Making a specific, yet — and this is key — measurable behavior change request is step one. Requests can be negotiated until there’s an understood and accepted expectation. As change is agreed-upon, both partners should already have felt heard and validated.

14. Mirroring Exercises 

Mirroring is a technique that can be helpful if two people feel they don’t communicate effectively. If you’re constantly feeling like your partner doesn’t hear what you’re saying, mirroring might be something for you to try.   

Mirroring’s “take-turn” approach has one person speaking at a time. When it’s the first speaker’s turn, they’ll express what they’re feeling and explain why. 

The listener will respond with, “So, what I heard you say was…” 

If the listener understood everything the speaker said, they’ll next ask the speaker to “Tell me more.” 

At this point, this speaker can make their next point, and this back-and-forth continues until the speaker feels they’ve exhausted everything they need to say.

Mirroring works and is effective because it has an actual effect on the brain, which relaxes when it feels heard.

15. 40-20-40 Exercises

The 40-20-40 process specifically targets compassionate listening and constructive conflict resolution. During this very detailed type of relationship exercise for couples, communication time is split. 40% of the allotted time goes to each of the two participants, with 20 minutes left over to discuss the relationship. 

During each speaker’s time, they can share their feelings without being interrupted. The important part of the 40-20-40 process is to ensure neither party uses accusatory statements. This exercise often ends up being a constructive conversation where two people understand that while conflict is not avoidable in a relationship, it can be survivable.

16. Sandwich Method Exercises 

The sandwich method is one of the communication exercises for couples that can keep each partner from feeling bogged down or stressed when they’re asked for something. Instead of just stating a demand (or what may be interpreted as a demand), you can “sandwich” your request in between two positive statements. 

For example, if you need your partner to help with carpooling one day, try beginning your request with something like, “Thank you for bathing the kids last night. Would there be any way you could pick them up from school today? I understand and appreciate how much you’ve been doing lately.”

By surrounding criticism or requests with positivity, there’s less chance your partner will be offended.

17. Stress-Reducing Conversation Exercises

It’s easy to take on your partner’s stress. If you find that when your partner opens up about a taxing situation they’re dealing with and you instantly want to find a solution for them, you may be wearing both of you down. 

The communication exercise known as stress-reducing conversations gives the speaker a chance to vent about their stressors while giving the listener an opportunity to hear them out without responding. In this exercise, the listener simply listens for 20 minutes without giving any advice or trying to find a solution. 

To be most effective, this should be done at the end of the day for about 15 – 20 minutes. Stress-reducing conversation exercises can help strengthen your bond and improve communication and listening skills.

18. DBT Exercises

Dialectical Behavior Therapy or DBT is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy that emphasizes the psychosocial parts of treatment, emphasizing the necessity of a collaborative relationship, client support, and the development of skills for dealing with highly emotional circumstances. Learn more about online DBT therapy options and DBT therapy techniques to get the support you need.

An example of a DBT exercise would be DEAR MAN. This stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear, and Negotiate. This exercise is a way of learning how to set healthy boundaries in relationships. 

• Describe: Accurately describe the situation by only using relevant facts. 

• Express: Let your partner know how the situation made you feel. Elaborating on how you feel will help them understand why the situation matters to you. To effectively do this step, use “I” statements. 

• Assert: Let them know what you want. Be very specific. 

• Reinforce: Focus on what they can get if they give you what you want. If they do what you ask, always reciprocate it with a smile or a thank you. 

• Mindfulness: Stay on the situation at hand. During the conversation, don’t get distracted. Focus on the present, express what you want and feel, then listen to what your partner has to say. 

• Appear: Appear confident. Regardless of how you actually feel, act confident by keeping your head up, straightening your posture, and enunciating your words clearly. 

• Negotiate: Remember that you are asking for something, and not demanding. Relationships are built on healthy compromises. Compromise where you can, but also remember your boundaries. 

Couples therapy can be very effective when two people come to the table willing to put in the work. Using a variety of relationship communication exercises can keep the work fresh and the growth continuing seamlessly throughout the duration of your therapy. Relationships are like anything else in life; we must work at them. Having the tools to effectively do so is key.

If you struggle with finding tools to work on your relationship, a therapist or couples counselor is an excellent guide that can help you and your partner practice some of the communication exercises above. Meeting with a therapist can benefit any relationship, especially when dating someone with BPD, bipolar, anxiety, or another mental health condition.

Sources: 

1. Lavner J, Karney B, Bradbury T. Does Couples’ Communication Predict Marital Satisfaction, or Does Marital Satisfaction Predict Communication?. Journal of Marriage and Family. 2016;78(3):680-694. doi:10.1111/jomf.12301. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4852543/. Accessed October 28, 2021.

2. Words can deceive, but tone of voice cannot. ScienceDaily. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/11/151123202344.htm. Published 2015. Accessed October 28, 2021.

3. Rogers S, Howieson J, Neame C. I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict. PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831.https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5961625/. Accessed October 28, 2021.

What to Expect when Dating Someone With OCD

One of the most important things to remember if you’re involved with someone with OCD is that their habits, routines, and ways of doing things may seem very different to you. You might view some of their actions and obsessive tendencies as being excessive, unnecessary, or repetitive. 

However, realizing that their obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors are typically beyond their control can help you come to terms with, and be accepting of, their condition. 

“Some of the most common challenges couples face are: 

• lack of trust (checking their partner’s phone or email); 
• excessive habits or routines (double checking if they have their cell phone); 
• repeating actions or phrases that may not make sense to you (rubbing their elbow or saying an affirmation three times)

“Patience, psychoeducation, good communication, and understanding are four main ways to address them to maintain a healthy relationship.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-C, LCSW-S

You should be aware of — and even expect — any or all of the following symptoms if you’re dealing with OCD in a relationship:

Behavioral compulsion

Behavioral compulsions are common with OCD. This could look like excessive hand washing, repetitive tapping, or excessively cleaning.  

How to help: Figure out what some of their behavioral compulsions look like. Once you’re aware of them, you can learn how to navigate times that you see your partner begin to engage. Sometimes it can help if you know what to expect. It’s important to not reinforce those compulsive behaviors.

Mental compulsions

Unlike behavioral compulsions, mental compulsions aren’t necessarily physical acts. Rather, they can be seen when somebody with OCD silently counts, overanalyzes different scenarios or situations, or repetitively says things (like a prayer) to convince themselves nothing bad will happen.

How to help: 

• Remain calm. 
• Try not to judge or shame your partner for what they think or feel. 
• Remember that even if their thoughts seem unrealistic to you, they’re very real to your loved one.

Stress

Sometimes people with OCD fear the stress of an intimate relationship. All of us fear rejection on some level. It can stem from past failed relationships, body issues, or fear about the loss of our identity, among other things. Those with OCD often have some of the same fears, but they may be significantly amplified.

How to help: 

• Be patient and understanding. 
• Remember that for those who have OCD, their thoughts are sometimes uncontrollable. 
• Talk to your partner. 
• Getting OCD therapy may help if either of you still struggles.

Anxiety

OCD and anxiety go hand-in-hand. If you’re dating someone with OCD, just knowing that their emotions can swing and their anxiety can go up and down might mean you won’t be as caught off guard if they begin to feel anxious. By understanding this you might even be able to help them during intrusive experiences and stressful situations. 

How to help: Never assume or suggest that your partner isn’t trying hard enough. Do not blame them for their anxiety.

If you’re experiencing any of these or other challenges in a relationship with somebody who has OCD, be sure to get the help you need too. In-person or online therapy can be very beneficial and drastically increase the chance of your relationship surviving. 

How to Support Your Partner With OCD

The very best thing that you can do when dealing with OCD in a relationship is to learn about the mental health condition yourself. Beyond your own understanding, try to understand how it affects your partner. This way, you can learn how to help someone with OCD better.

OCD does not have the same effect on everybody and not everyone has the same OCD experience. For this reason, it’s important to try and understand exactly what your partner is going through, so you can help him or her. If they’re already seeking therapy, be sure to ask about and understand their treatment plan. Additionally, support groups can also be a great resource — for both of you!

Educate yourself

Learning as much as possible about your partner’s OCD means you can have a more compassionate, deeper understanding of what your partner might be experiencing. This can go a long way in building trust and showing that you’re a safe place for them when an intrusive thought or anxiety creeps in. Knowing how to support or how to help stop intrusive thoughts is valuable in a relationship.

Be patient

It might seem silly to even bring it up, but a reminder to be patient is worth mentioning. Offering empathy and acknowledging what your partner is feeling can make it easier for them to open up to you. 

“Be nonjudgmental. Try to understand what your partner is thinking and feeling by educating yourself and showing kindness.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-C, LCSW-S

Help find treatment

Being supportive can also mean helping someone find an OCD treatment. Whether you go to couples therapy, individual therapy, or a combination of the two, working together to seek treatment can help you build a bridge of understanding that can be valuable to you both.

“Help your partner find treatment, or better yet, look for that and combine it with joint sessions as well.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-C, LCSW-S

Be respectful

Making an effort to keep respectful lines of communication open is valuable in any relationship, not just when one of you has OCD. Too often, we find ourselves being dismissive simply because we don’t know how to communicate. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) can help you learn effective communication skills, especially if OCD is part of the equation. 

It’s true: dating can be hard. Though, dating with OCD doesn’t have to be that much harder than any other relationship. When you have the right information and resources, you can focus on creating a healthy, strong bond that endures the test of time. It absolutely is possible to be in a relationship with someone who has OCD, and now you have the tools to achieve it. 

Sources:

1. “What Is OCD?”. International OCD Foundation, https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/. Accessed 9 Sept 2021.
2. “The Impact Of OCD On Relationships”. United Brain Association, 2019, https://unitedbrainassociation.org/2019/07/24/the-impact-of-ocd-on-relationships/. Accessed 9 Sept 2021.