Immediate Steps After Leaving an Abusive Relationship

The most important thing to do after leaving an abusive relationship is to prioritize your safety. You need to go somewhere secure, away from your abusive partner. If you’re hurt, get medical attention as soon as possible, and be sure to document the domestic violence and emotional abuse. 

Reach out to trusted friends and family. If that’s not an option, contact organizations in your area for emotional support and other types of assistance. Resources are available to help you find safe shelter, legal aid, and counseling.

If you need help or resources, contact any of these survivor support services:

• Onelove: Advice and information are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, year-round through live chat or text messaging — text “LOVEIS” to 22522 for an immediate response from a peer advocate who can help.
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788 for expert support on surviving an abusive relationship.
• Search a directory of assistance providers in your area.

Implement necessary legal measures

After leaving an abusive relationship, it’s essential to take legal measures to protect yourself. Document all instances of relationship abuse, and if you have photographs of injuries, keep them in a safe place. You should also keep a record of any threatening messages or interactions you receive. 

If possible, get legal counsel to help you understand your rights and options. For example, you might:

• Need to obtain a restraining order
• Consider filing for divorce
• Think about custody if children are involved
• Contact local law enforcement if criminal behavior occurs
• Explore support services for legal aid and advocacy

Establish a support system

A solid support system will be vital as you focus on recovering from an abusive relationship safely. 

“Abusive partners have the tendency to isolate us from our loved ones so they can control the narratives about themselves. That makes people feel really lonely when they go to separate from their abusive partners. It is important to access the family and friend relationships that are salvageable because they can offer resources that can keep us from relationships that aren’t the right fit for us.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Start with trusted friends and family who can offer stability and emotional support. You can also join support groups to connect with others who understand what you’re going through and have had similar experiences. Starting therapy can be beneficial if you’re seeking guidance and need access to resources or organizations that support survivors.

Your support system can offer validation, encouragement, strength, and assistance during this difficult time.

Seek professional help 

Getting professional help can be instrumental in the healing process as you navigate a world free from your abusive partner. Seeking help is the first step in prioritizing your mental and physical health and learning how to recover from an abusive relationship.

First and foremost, if you need medical attention, it’s crucial that you get it. Then, consider seeking professional mental health help from a licensed therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist. 

They can help you heal from the emotional trauma you’ve gone through and reduce the psychological impact your physical and emotional abuser likely had on you. Mental health professionals are trained to offer valuable guidance and support, combined with therapeutic interventions to help you process and recover from your experience.

Manage logistical concerns

You’ll have countless logistical concerns to deal with as you leave an abusive relationship. Establishing your independence and creating stability will rely heavily on your ability to find safe housing. Whether it’s temporary shelter, staying with friends or family, finding a local housing program, or moving into your own place, a safe housing situation will be key to being able to stay separated from your abusive situation.

You’ll also want to figure out your finances. If possible, make sure you have access to your bank account before leaving. If that’s not an option, figure out where and how you can seek financial assistance. You might want to consider creating a budget to help you manage your expenses as you transition into this new reality.

If you have children, you’ll want to navigate custody arrangements cautiously. Seek legal advice to determine your rights and to ensure you can protect your children’s emotional and physical safety and well-being.

Emotional and Psychological Healing

It’s not uncommon for people to believe that leaving will be the hardest part, but the truth is the emotional and psychological healing you’ll go through while recovering from an abusive relationship can be the most complex and difficult aspect of the process for many people. 

It’s important to acknowledge what you’ve been through and to allow yourself to process the wide range of emotions you’re likely to experience as a result. Some people feel sadness, anger, or fear, or they second-guess their decision. It might help to know that everything you’re feeling is all normal. 

To get through this time, reach out to friends and family members you trust or seek professional advice to get the validation, empathy, and guidance you need.

Processing the trauma 

To heal from any trauma, you must first process it. So, how do you deal with trauma? There’s no right or wrong way to feel about what you’ve been through. Allowing yourself to have any emotions that surface and practicing self-compassion and patience will help you move through the healing after emotional abuse or domestic violence.

Seeking professional support can be especially helpful in this stage of recovery. Therapists, support groups, and helplines that specialize in trauma recovery will guide you as you work on healing. 

A therapist might use any of the following techniques to help you:

• Trauma therapy 
• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)
• Cognitive processing therapy (CPT)
• Psychodynamic therapy

“After trauma and/or abuse, I will often recommend a few different things: Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), a support group for trauma and/or abuse, a support structure outside of ourselves, deep breathing, deep muscle relaxation, and grounding techniques.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Building self-esteem

Building self-esteem can be challenging for survivors of domestic abuse. It’s a critical part of the healing process, though, and it can help you redefine a strong sense of self and autonomy. 

To start improving your self-esteem, try to challenge the negative beliefs your abuser tried to control you with. Replace those thoughts with positive affirmations about your strength and resilience.

“Create mantras that emphasize your value/worth. For example, ‘I am smart, talented, and beautiful.’”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Another effective way to improve self-esteem is by surrounding yourself with people who validate your experience and work to support, encourage, and uplift you. Self-care is also important and can remind you that you’re worthy and deserving of healthy, good things in life.

Forgiveness and letting go

Letting go of the past allows you to embrace the future — however, forgiving does not mean forgetting. Deciding to forgive someone doesn’t excuse or condone their behavior. Rather, being able to let go and forgive can ease the resentment and anger you might feel toward the person who abused you. 

It’s important to remember that healing takes time, and you should be patient with yourself as you process a wide range of emotions. Forgiveness doesn’t only apply to your abuser, either. It’s something you must offer yourself as well. 

Utilizing coping skills

Coping skills can help you manage the emotional stress and fallout of leaving an abusive relationship. They’ll also allow you to navigate triggers you might experience as you heal. There are countless coping mechanisms you can choose from — the key is selecting those that work best for you. 

Effective coping mechanisms can include:

• Meditation
• Deep breathing exercises
• Journaling
• Being creative
• Spending time with supportive friends and family
• Focusing on emotional regulation
• Self-soothing

Rebuilding trust

One of the most challenging aspects of surviving an abusive relationship is often rebuilding trust. While many find it difficult to trust others after leaving an abusive situation, some people even doubt their own instincts and boundaries. This is where therapy can be instrumental in reaffirming that you can — and should — learn to trust yourself again. 

To rebuild your trust in others, surround yourself with supportive and trustworthy people. Practice effective communication and honesty, and be open about your needs and concerns.

To trust yourself again, allow yourself grace and time to heal and recognize that it doesn’t happen overnight.

“Remind yourself that just because you have been abused/traumatized does not mean that everyone will treat us so poorly.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Moving Forward

Moving forward after leaving an abusive relationship can be overwhelming. You can start by openly acknowledging — to yourself and others — how much strength it took you to break free from the cycle of abuse.  

Celebrate, and remember that every step you take forward — regardless of how big or small — is you winning and taking back control.

Creating a positive future 

To create a positive future, envision the life you want and deserve. Picture a home that symbolizes safety, joy, and fulfillment. Set goals that align with your values, and take proactive, positive steps to pursue them. Rely on your network and honor your sense of self-worth by prioritizing your needs.

Nurturing healthy relationships

As you leave your unhealthy relationship behind, nurture the ones that are fulfilling and rewarding. Healthy relationships depend on mutual respect and compassion and often involve shared values that cultivate deep, meaningful connections.

Continued support 

Seeking continued support after you leave your abusive relationship will be essential to remain strong and dedicated to your independence. Ongoing therapy can be vital in building a solid support network that nurtures your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

Embracing Your Journey of Transformation

Leaving your abusive situation is monumental — as difficult as is, you should try to embrace the journey of transformation. Acknowledge your courage as you take critical steps to start your new life. Let yourself explore new opportunities and enjoy the excitement of self-discovery. Trust that you can navigate any challenges in life with strength and resilience.

Even the strongest people can benefit from support at some point in their life. If you need help healing now that you’ve gotten out of an abusive relationship, therapy can be a great asset. Online therapy makes it convenient, accessible, and affordable so you can become the healthiest, best version of yourself. 

Connect with an online therapist at Talkspace if you need support while healing from an abusive relationship.

Knowing how to prepare for couples counseling can be a game-changer if you’re looking for ways to maintain a mutually rewarding and healthy relationship. Any relationship can suffer from communication issues, unaddressed fights, neglected feelings, or unhealthy behavior patterns. 

Research suggests that most couples wait an average of 2 ½ years before seeking professional help via therapy. For most relationship or marriage problems, couples counseling can provide practical tools to help you develop a healthy partnership. In short, the sooner you start, the sooner you can take advantage of the benefits of couples therapy and build a stronger relationship. 

If you’re wondering how to prepare for couples therapy, keep reading to learn how to get as much as possible from the experience. 

1. Make Sure the Both of You Are Open & Invested

To ensure a successful couples counseling experience, both partners must be willing and eager to engage in the counseling process. You should be ready to openly express emotions and discuss important couples therapy topics with one another and dedicate yourselves to creating positive transformations in the relationship.

Tips for being open in therapy

• Discuss expectations with each other before your first session
• Acknowledge any fears or concerns about attending sessions together
• Maintain an open mind throughout the process
• Communicate openly and listen without judgment or blame
• Show empathy if your partner has reservations about seeking help
• Create a safe space that encourages honest dialogue by listening actively without interrupting or becoming defensive

“Couples counseling is challenging, so it’s important that both parties, at least, have agreed to participate because they have reached a position in their relationship that either feels stagnant or regressive. They both agree that a neutral, third party, could potentially give them tools and resources that they haven’t otherwise tried.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

2. Reflect on Individual and Relationship Dynamics

When learning how to prepare for couples therapy, take some time individually to reflect on your behavior. Look for any patterns or dynamics that might be contributing to issues.

Questions to consider:

• In what ways do I contribute positively/negatively to our relationship?
• What are my strengths/weaknesses within our partnership?
• How can we manage inevitable disagreements productively?
• What are some effective communication strategies we can use?
• How can we create a harmonious and emotionally safe environment for each other?

Reflecting on these questions can help you better understand the other’s point of view, leading to more effective relationship counseling.

3. Establish Goals for Your Relationship

Before attending couples therapy, set goals for what you hope to achieve. Relationship goals can help you stay focused and motivated throughout your treatment.

Examples of possible goals for couples therapy 

• Learning effective communication skills
• Managing unhealthy or unhelpful emotions
• Building trust and intimacy
• Resolving conflicts in a productive way
• Creating a more satisfying and fulfilling relationship
• Creating a budget together
• Creating a list of designated assigned chores with due dates
• Negotiate new sexual agreement terms
• Allowing each other to fully share thoughts and work on active listening

“It’s important to reflect on the 3 categories in your relationship that you feel need the most work. We can reach these answers by reflecting on topics that continuously resurface when there’s conflict. Some examples include finances, household chore division, sexual frequency/intensity, and communication.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

4. Search for the Right Couples Therapist

Choosing the right therapist is a critical piece of the puzzle. To get the most out of therapy, look for a licensed, experienced mental health professional who works with couples.  

Finding a couples counselor who makes you feel emotionally comfortable and safe is also important. You should feel free to ask questions and express any concerns about the therapy process.

Tips for finding the right couples therapist

• Research credentials and experience: Look for therapists with specialized training in couples therapy, such as Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT). Check their background, education, licensing status, years of experience working with couples, and any relevant certifications.
• Read reviews or ask for recommendations: Online reviews can offer insight into how other clients felt about a therapist’s approach. You might also ask friends or family if they know a good therapist.
• Schedule an initial consultation: Many therapists offer free consultations where you can discuss concerns, goals, and expectations. This can help gauge whether both partners feel comfortable with a counselor’s style.
• Evaluate compatibility: Both partners must feel at ease with the therapist so open communication will be possible during sessions. When assessing compatibility, consider factors like personality fit, communication style, empathy level, and cultural sensitivity.

For more guidance, learn how to find a good marriage counselor with our guide.

5. Provide Your Therapist with the Necessary Info 

Filling out the paperwork required by your therapist helps them understand more about your relationship dynamics, history, challenges, individual backgrounds, and specific goals you each have. When a therapist knows what you want to get out of therapy, it’ll be easier for them to help you make progress.  

Be prepared to provide a therapist with certain information

• Gather relevant documents: If applicable, collect pertinent records, like medical histories or previous treatment summaries.
• Fill out paperwork: You’ll need to complete paperwork that shares medical, financial, and relationship history before your first session. 
• Be honest and thorough: Provide accurate information about your relationship, including any challenges you face as a couple.
• Discuss goals for therapy: Clearly outline what you hope to achieve through couples counseling so the therapist can tailor their approach to best suit your needs.

“It is helpful, but certainly not required, if couples agree upon the strengths, weaknesses, and maybe even some ideas they have individually generated in terms of what would help. Reflecting on our backgrounds is also helpful in terms of what we watched growing up or what people around us have role modeled in their own relationships.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

6. Manage Expectations Ahead of Time

Before going to couples therapy, you should take the time to set realistic goals. Remember, counseling requires both people’s dedication, energy, and endurance. 

Key points to keep in mind before you go to couples therapy

• Progress takes time: Don’t expect immediate results after your first appointment. It can take several sessions before you start noticing significant improvements in your relationship.
• Honesty is crucial: Be prepared to be open and honest with your partner and the therapist about your feelings, thoughts, and experiences. Trust is key to establishing a safe space where both can open up and express yourselves.
• It might be uncomfortable sometimes: Therapy often involves discussing sensitive topics or addressing issues you’ve avoided for a long time. It’s normal to feel vulnerable or uncomfortable during these conversations. It might help to remind yourself that this type of discomfort can lead to growth and healing.
• Your therapist is neutral: A good therapist won’t take sides. They’ll act as a mediator while guiding effective communication strategies.

Couples Therapy from the Comfort of Your Home

Attending couples therapy doesn’t have to be inconvenient. With online therapy platforms like Talkspace, you can access professional help and guidance right from the comfort of your own home. This means you can engage in sessions without worrying about scheduling conflicts, travel time, or feeling awkward in an unfamiliar setting.

As you learn how to prepare for marriage counseling, remember that online couples therapy offers many benefits, including flexibility, accessibility, and affordability. Talkspace makes the process simple — use the method of communication that works best for you and your partner. You can seek therapy through text messaging, video calls, or audio messages. 

Benefits of Talkspace therapy include:

• Flexibility: Online therapy lets you schedule sessions at times that work best for both partners’ schedules.
• Accessibility: Regardless of where you’re located, therapy will always be within reach as long as you have Internet access.
• Affordability: Online therapy can be just as, or more, cost-effective as traditional face-to-face counseling.

Taking proactive steps before you start therapy helps you be more open and invested in the process. Establishing clear goals, finding the right therapist, and managing expectations ahead of time are the first steps in taking your relationship to a better place. 

Being able to recognize signs of unhealthy relationship patterns is key to knowing when to go to couples therapy. The earlier you address relationship problems, the easier it is to prevent them from escalating into more significant issues — not to mention you can avoid developing destructive behaviors that may ultimately lead to the demise of your relationship. There are many benefits of couples therapy, like helping you overcome challenges and deepen your connection with your partner. Studies show that around 70% of couples found therapy to be effective. 

Curious if you and your partner should consider couples counseling? Keep reading to learn more about common relationship issues and the warning signs you need marriage counseling or couples therapy.

1. You’re Having Frequent and Intense Arguments

Frequent, increasing, or intense arguments can do obvious harm to a relationship. Knowing when to seek couples counseling means you can address the sources of conflict you and your partner regularly face. Certain couples therapy techniques can help you learn to navigate disagreements in healthier ways by: 

• Improving communication
• Identifying underlying problems
• Building trust
• Setting boundaries
• Developing effective conflict-resolution skills

2. There’s a Lack of Effective Communication

Effective communication is crucial for a healthy relationship. Poor communication patterns can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and emotional distance, all of which may be signs you need couples therapy. A good couples counselor will use a variety of communication exercises for couples to improve communication, enhance understanding, and increase empathy.

3. One or Both of You is Emotionally Withdrawing

Emotional withdrawal can create distance and disconnect that can seriously damage a relationship. Couples counseling helps you explore and address emotional barriers, rebuild intimacy, and strengthen your bond. Dealing with these relationship problems might prevent them from deteriorating any further. 

Addressing emotional distance in therapy

• Identify the root causes: A skilled couples counselor will help you identify the reasons behind emotional withdrawal so you can better understand each other’s needs and perspectives.
• Foster open communication: Relationship therapy encourages honest conversations about feelings without fear of judgment or blame. This openness allows you to express yourselves more effectively while rebuilding trust and intimacy.
• Cultivate empathy: As you gain insight into each other’s experiences, you’ll develop greater empathy, increasing understanding and support.

“There are various reasons as to why a couple could seek therapy together. Commonly, some sort of conflict is occurring. One of the reasons why couples therapy might be helpful is when one or both people in the relationship ‘shuts down’ emotionally. It can be a consistent shutdown or during specific situations (i.e. disagreements). Some partners may have always struggled with communicating their emotions. Within couples therapy, any and all emotional shutdowns are explored and, as a team, find ways to work through those difficulties.”

– Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

4. There Are Trust Issues 

Trust is a crucial factor in any relationship that, if broken, can bring about insecurity, doubt, and stress. Trust problems can stem from past personal experiences or current behaviors in a relationship. 

Trust issues in a relationship can have serious adverse effects, including: 

• Constant interrogation
• Lack of emotional closeness
• The potential for cheating
  

The longer trust issues go without being appropriately addressed, the more difficult it becomes to rebuild and maintain a strong connection with your partner.

5. There’s a Loss of Physical Intimacy

Sexual intimacy is an integral part of many romantic relationships. Problems with physical intimacy can cause frustration, loneliness, and tension, but couples therapy is a great place to address these issues in a safe and supportive environment. Therapists use many techniques to help couples regain a physical and intimate connection.

Exercises that foster physical connection

• Breathing exercises: Face each other with your foreheads lightly touching. Close your eyes and breathe deeply at the same time. 
• The long cuddle: Make time to cuddle — 30 minutes is a great start — at night or in the mornings to bond and feel connected to your partner.
• The soul gaze: Sit facing one another and stare into each other’s eyes. While it may seem silly at first, think that you’re looking into the window of your partner’s soul. 
• Active listening: For 3 – 5 minutes, one person shares whatever they want — things that are frustrating, things that have been hurtful, or anything else — while the other listens without saying anything. At the end of the time, the listener can respond. 
• Sleep in the nude: Sleeping without clothes on has both physical and emotional benefits. Skin-on-skin contact can release the hormone oxytocin — also known as the love hormone. Research shows oxytocin plays a role in sexual behavior. 
• 3 things: Each of you should come up with 3 things you want to ask the other. Questions can be about anything from what restaurants you want to eat at to things you want to do together in the next month. 
• No phones in bed: Ditching the phones in the bedroom will encourage you to have deeper conversations with one another. 

6. A Major Life Transition is Putting Stress on Your Relationship

Major life transitions — relocation, parenthood, or job loss — can cause tension in relationships. These shifts may result in stress that could, in turn, damage your relationship. Experiences that negatively affect your relationship after a life event could be a sign that you need marriage counseling.  

Relationship therapy can be effective in helping you navigate life’s challenges together by providing tools for managing stress and improving communication.

7. You’re Growing Apart

Sometimes it can be hard to gauge when to get couples counseling because you’ve been growing apart so slowly that you might not even recognize it. Distance in a relationship can be indicative of something more serious, though. Couples therapy can be a productive space to discuss your needs openly and honestly as you explore ways to reconnect and find a middle ground.

In a couples counseling session, you’ll focus on remembering those shared values and interests you might have lost sight of at some point. Then, you and your partner can work to reignite that spark that initially brought you together.

8. One of You Considered or Had an Affair

Infidelity can devastate both people in a relationship, causing feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, resentment, and loss. Addressing the emotional toll and challenges is essential.

Couples therapy gives you the opportunity to openly discuss your thoughts and emotions related to the affair. A skilled therapist will help you explore underlying issues that may have contributed to the infidelity and facilitate honest, productive communication.

• Identify root causes: Understanding why an affair happened is crucial for rebuilding trust. Therapy can uncover unmet needs or unresolved conflicts that may have led one partner to seek comfort outside the relationship.
• Rebuild trust: Regaining trust after an affair takes time, effort, and commitment from both partners. A couples therapist will guide you through the process by enforcing transparency, accountability, empathy, and understanding.
• Strengthen communication skills: Open dialogue about your feelings about the affair can foster healing. Couples therapy teaches effective communication techniques so everyone feels heard without fear of judgment or blame.

While it can be difficult, it’s possible that you can both overcome infidelity with the help of couples therapy.

9. There Are Unresolved Past Issues

You can’t underestimate the impact of unresolved past issues on a relationship’s ability to move forward. Couples therapy is a structured and supportive environment to address and heal wounds. This process encourages you to understand each other’s perspectives while working towards a resolution.

“Sometimes, personal or combined past issues hinder the positive movement of a relationship. We often call it ‘baggage’ when it’s an individual issue that prohibits the growth of a relationship. However, it could also mean that sometime during the life of the relationship, some unresolved negative situation/emotion occurred that makes it difficult to move forward. Working with a professional in either scenario can help as a couple helps one another foster the desired growth and confidence within the relationship.”

– Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

10. You’re Having Financial Conflicts

Research shows that financial conflicts are among the most common relationship challenges, affecting trust, communication, and overall satisfaction. In fact, it’s one of the most common couples therapy topics discussed with professionals. Therapy can help you navigate money problems by improving financial communication skills and teamwork.  

A therapist can facilitate open discussions about values, beliefs, and expectations surrounding finances so you each can understand where the other is coming from.

Addressing financial issues in a relationship 

• Identify emotional issues: Therapy helps uncover any deep-rooted emotional concerns related to finances.
• Create a shared vision: A therapist can guide you in creating financial goals based on mutual understanding and respect for each other.
• Promote teamwork: By working together as a team to manage finances, couples can strengthen their bond and minimize money stress.
• Foster healthy communication patterns: You can work with a therapist to learn how to discuss money openly without it becoming an argument every time.

11. You’re Facing Parenting Challenges

The unique challenges of parenting often lead to conflict in a relationship. By seeking couples therapy, you can improve dynamics, resolve disputes, and create a unified approach to parenting. 

Benefits of couples counseling for parenting challenges

• Improve communication skills: Therapy helps you learn to express thoughts and feelings openly without fear of judgment or criticism.
• Foster empathy: Understanding each other is essential in resolving conflicts related to parenting.
• Develop effective problem-solving strategies: Therapy teaches you how to approach problems collaboratively rather than defensively or combatively.
• Promote consistency in co-parenting: Consistency is vital when raising children. Working together as a team will keep you on the same page regarding expectations and boundaries.

12. One or Both of You Want a Separation or Divorce

If separation or divorce is on the table, therapy can be a valuable place to determine if there’s any potential for saving your marriage or relationship. Whatever happens, a therapist can offer guidance and support to ensure a healthier transition if you decide to part ways. Couples therapy can help you find acceptance in whatever the future holds. 

Explore the reasons behind the decision

You’ll have the chance to delve into the reasons for separation or divorce. This process will help you gain insight into each other’s feelings. A professional therapist can guide you through productive conversations as you come to a resolution.

Find solutions together

Couples therapy is about more than just identifying issues. Your therapist will work with you and your partner to develop strategies for addressing concerns, improving communication, and rebuilding trust together.

Navigate separation or divorce process healthily

If, after exploring the relationship, you decide that divorce is the best option, having professional guidance can ensure healthier transitions for everyone. The emotional turmoil associated with ending a long-term partnership can be overwhelming, but working with a skilled therapist can help you navigate this difficult time.

13. You Want a Healthier Relationship

Couples therapy isn’t just for people experiencing significant issues in their relationship. It can also be great for people who want to maintain or strengthen their connection or work towards relationship goals. By seeking professional guidance from therapists — like those available through Talkspace — you can build upon your foundation and create an even stronger bond with your partner.

“There’s this mentality that couples therapy is a last-ditch effort to save a relationship. This isn’t always the case. Some couples seek therapy together to ‘check in’ with one another but also discuss anything that may be of concern in a safe and neutral environment. Some clients choose to do so before going into a long-term committed relationship like marriage or civil unions.”

– Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

Strengthen Your Relationship with Talkspace

If you’ve felt that you’re growing apart, but you want to make things work, consider seeking professional support with Talkspace. Online therapy can offer insights into strengthening your bond as you navigate any challenges along the way. 

Addressing your relationship problems and challenges can help improve your communication skills, increase your commitment, and strengthen your bond with your partner. There are many benefits of couples therapy, and it’s been proven effective. According to research, 70% of couples say therapy positively impacted their relationship. Still, too often, partners ignore major issues, and problems escalate. Deciding to go to therapy is brave — and smart — and knowing what couples therapy topics to focus on once you’re there can make your time and effort pay off. 

Couples counseling offers a roadmap for relationships as you build a solid foundation and develop a deeper connection that can withstand the tests of time. It provides a safe space and guidance for you and your partner to have productive discussions with a neutral party.

From learning how to communicate effectively to understanding family dynamics, focusing on the right couples counseling techniques and topics can help you get the most out of your sessions. Learning what things to talk about in couples therapy is the first step. 

1. Communication Patterns

Every relationship has “those” issues — the triggers constantly argued about or fought over but never solved. Identifying unhealthy communication patterns can be one of the best topics to discuss in couples therapy. 

The benefit: Addressing relationship problems fueled by ineffective communication can help you break negative habits and patterns. You can learn more productive communication exercises for couples by examining how you communicate with your couples therapist.

2. Emotional Intimacy

The safety of a therapy session makes it a comfortable place to be emotionally intimate and vulnerable. You can address emotional wounds, past traumas, or trust issues that may negatively impact your relationship there. 

The benefit: Exploring intimate topics with your therapist helps partners better understand each other’s emotional needs to foster more profound connections.

“It is fairly easy for partners to take offense to a partner’s share of intimate feelings and emotions. A couple’s therapist can help in generating a setting that allows for both partners to openly share with validation, support, and encouragement.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

3. Trust and Infidelity

Trust is fundamental to a healthy relationship and can be one of the most important things to talk about in couples therapy. In therapy, you’ll find a safe place to address past betrayals or breaches of trust that resulted from infidelity. Rebuilding trust issues in a relationship takes time, effort, patience, and dedication — not to mention a genuine desire to heal the relationship. 

A couples counselor can guide you through the journey by offering tools for effective communication and encouraging empathy. They can also help you set realistic expectations for the healing process.

The benefit: Openly exploring trust issues in therapy can help you understand the root causes. The process benefits both partners as you rebuild trust through honesty and transparency.

Strategies to address infidelity in your relationship

There are several ways a relationship can begin to overcome infidelity. 

• Understand the root cause of the infidelity
• Acknowledge feelings — pain, anger, guilt — without judgment or blame
• Create boundaries about acceptable behavior moving forward  
• Encourage forgiveness by creating an environment where it’s possible but not forced 

4. Intimacy and Sexual Compatibility

Discussing sexual desires, needs, and boundaries is paramount if you want a healthy relationship. In couples counseling, you can bring up any concerns about your sex life, including differences in desire or preferences. 

The benefit: By exploring your honest feelings, you can enhance intimacy and create a fulfilling sexual relationship that strengthens your bond.

How to improve intimacy and sexual compatibility

You and your partner can work on your intimacy and develop a fulfilling sexual relationship using the following tips. 

• Discuss desires and boundaries
• Find common ground

• Nurture an emotional connection 
• Make time for one another

5. Conflict Resolution

One of the most popular marriage counseling topics deals with conflict resolution. Therapy helps you identify patterns of conflict and areas where disagreements have become common in the relationship. 

The benefit: Experienced therapists can teach you how to manage relationship or marriage problems effectively by finding mutually rewarding solutions. 

How to work on conflict resolution skills 

Some popular methods used to improve conflict resolution skills include:

• Effective communication strategies
• Active listening
• Empathy building 
• Negotiation and compromise
• Boundary building

6. Life Transitions and Stressors

Significant (and often stressful) life events — for example, career changes, relocation, or starting a family — can profoundly impact relationships. In therapy, you can focus on navigating life’s challenges as a team by developing coping strategies.

The benefit: Discussing how you feel about major transitions in a couples counseling session  can let you productively address the stressors affecting your connection.  

How to survive life transitions and stressors

If you struggle with navigating major life events, try using some tips here. 

• Acknowledge the impact of change
• Find supportive solutions
• Build resilience together
• Be empathetic to each other’s opinions
• Validate their feelings

7. Roles and Responsibilities

Discussing the division of household tasks, financial responsibilities, and decision-making processes can be difficult in any relationship. Time in therapy can be used to help establish clear roles and responsibilities without letting conversations become hostile. 

The benefit: Addressing any imbalances or conflicts in roles and responsibilities during couples therapy sessions can help you set expectations that you can live with.

Ways to define and assess roles and responsibilities in a relationship

The following strategies can help assess the roles and responsibilities in your relationship so you can avoid conflict. 

• Identify imbalances in the relationship
• Negotiate new roles for each partner
• Set boundaries and consequences if needed

“A couple’s therapist will help outline what has been falling through the cracks, so everyone can engage in a negotiation as to the most fair of resolutions. Acts of service will always be a primary love language for a lot of couples.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

8. Family Dynamics

Exploring family influence on your partnership can be a worthwhile exercise in relationship therapy. We often don’t realize how much our background and upbringing can affect current relationships — diving into these themes can give valuable insight into patterns and behaviors that may be causing strife in your partnership.  

The benefit: Discussing conflicts that stem from interactions with extended family members will help you develop ways to establish and maintain healthy boundaries.

Tips for dealing with challenging family dynamics

Fortunately, you can learn to deal with family dynamics in several ways. 

• Acknowledge cultural differences
• Navigate in-law relationships
• Find a balance between families
• Set boundaries and help each other enforce them

9. Financial Management

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), 31% of couples say money is a significant source of stress in their relationship. Addressing finances is essential for couples, but it can be a sensitive topic. You need to learn to have open and honest conversations about money in a positive way. Creating financial goals and exploring your values and approach to money management is key.    

The benefit: Having those tough financial discussions during couples therapy sessions can help identify where money issues stem from so you can work to overcome them. You can create an effective plan for budgeting, saving, and handling shared expenses in the relationship. 

Tools to improve financial management skills

• Create a joint budget and establish a monthly spending plan 
• Set financial goals together for paying off debt or building savings for retirement or vacation plans 
• Discuss spending habits and priorities when managing money
• Evaluate existing debts and create an action plan to pay it

10. Parenting and Co-Parenting

When children are involved, therapy can be an effective place to discuss parenting styles. It can be where you explore how to deal with discipline or make educational choices. Your therapist can help you identify potential parenting conflicts before they drive a wedge in the relationship. 

The benefit: Working through parenting or co-parenting issues with a therapist will help create a healthy family environment where everyone — parents and kids — thrives.

11. Quality Time 

Couples therapy is an opportunity to explore shared interests, hobbies, and leisure activities you enjoy doing together. Discussing the importance of spending quality time together will nurture your relationship and strengthen emotional bonds. 

The benefit: Implementing quality time and activities into the daily routines of a relationship is important. It’s well worth it to use time in therapy to understand what your partner needs if you want to create lasting memories and deeper connections.

How to make quality time a priority

It’s easy to make quality time a focus in your relationship. Using the following ideas can help. 

• Find common interests
• Maintain a balance between individuality and togetherness
• Schedule regular date nights or quality time activities

• Create a list of potential activities based on mutual interests
• Prioritize events or experiences that are new or exciting
• Incorporate elements of surprise or spontaneity
• Communicate openly about your expectations and desires

12. Future Plans and Life Goals

One of the most essential topics to discuss in couples therapy is individual and shared goals for the future. Addressing differences in long-term goals is crucial since they can significantly impact the relationship’s success. 

The benefit: By exploring each partner’s dream for the future, you can create a unified, rewarding shared vision and develop a plan to get there.

Tips for creating plans and goals

To plan for your future together and create life goals, start by:

• Identifying individual aspirations
• Negotiating shared goals
• Crafting a plan together

“Most couples’ therapists will encourage that time and space is reserved to see where the relationship is headed. It is a chance to reflect on what has been going well and what needs to be changed to be more in alignment with the couple’s goals and ambitions. Monthly and yearly goals, even multiple-year goals can be helpful to align current behaviors with future outcomes.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Find a Safe Space with Talkspace

Discovering couples therapy topics can be a challenging yet rewarding experience. Taking the time to explore your relationship with the guidance and expertise of a good couples therapist will contribute to the overall health of your relationship. Mental health professionals at Talkspace can help you learn vital communication skills, resolve conflicts effectively, and foster deeper connections with your partner.

If you’re ready to take the next step in improving your relationship but are unsure what to talk about at couples therapy, reach out to Talkspace today. It can be the first step on your journey toward a healthy, happy relationship. 

Understanding Different Attachment Styles 

Research shows that newborns instinctively search for and attach to caregivers who can meet their physical and emotional needs. When a child’s needs are consistently met, they learn it’s safe to rely on others and will typically develop a secure attachment style. 

However, if a child’s needs are neglected, they may develop an insecure attachment style. 

There are four basic types of attachment styles:

• Secure
• Anxious/preoccupied (in children – known as anxious-ambivalent)
• Avoidant/dismissive (in children – known as anxious-avoidant)
• Disorganized (in children – known as fearful-avoidant)
  

“Avoidant attachment styles come from having needs that were rarely met. Whereas anxious attachment styles come from an inconsistency in needs being attended to. Disorganized attachment stems from the existence of actual fear that replaces safety and security. You can work with a therapist on any attachment style you might identify. You deserve loving, healthy relationships.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC.

Identifying your attachment style can be a key step in healing abandonment issues. Not only can it help you understand how you relate to others, but it can also give you insight into past experiences that might be causing or contributing to your fear of abandonment.

Anxious

People with an anxious attachment style are terrified of being left. They struggle to trust that they won’t be abandoned. 

In an intimate relationship, they frequently worry that they’ll lose their partner, leading to them seeking constant reassurance and support. They may also have issues with jealousy that make them try to control their relationship to prevent their partner from leaving. 

Avoidant

When a caregiver provides a child with basic essentials, like food and shelter, but neglects their other needs, developing an avoidant attachment style in the future is common. 

Many people with this attachment style were discouraged from expressing emotions in childhood. They often struggle with expressing their feelings and needs as adults. In relationships, someone with an avoidant attachment style may feel smothered or want to withdraw from their partner.

Disorganized

Disorganized attachment has traits of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. People with this attachment style have a strong desire for emotional intimacy but also tend to push away partners or sabotage relationships. This attachment style typically occurs when someone learns to fear their caregiver as a child.

Signs Of Abandonment Issues

A fear of abandonment can interfere with interpersonal relationships and negatively impact emotional well-being. Abandonment issues influence how someone views others and themselves in relationships, ultimately leading to severe emotional distress. 

Recognizing these signs and behaviors can be the first step in learning how to heal abandonment issues.

“Typically, abandonment results in difficulties finding our place in the world. Our primary caregivers were either absent, unreliable, or harmful, and because that was our first example of what relationships look like, we have difficulty getting close to others. Fearing rejection, ending relationships prematurely, depending on the thoughts and feelings of others too much, and struggling with being alone are all possibilities.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Separation anxiety/depression

While it’s normal to experience some separation anxiety in early childhood, when abandonment issues are present, people might continue to struggle with these abandonment fears in adulthood. Someone with separation anxiety may experience intense sadness or fear when they’re away from loved ones, even for short periods of time. Despite being around the people they love, they may constantly worry about losing them. 

Trust issues

Many people with abandonment issues struggle to trust others. They may question their partner’s intentions or treat them with suspicion, even if there’s no evidence that they’ve done anything wrong. Some people with trust issues may detach from others to try and avoid being hurt.

Codependency 

Codependency is an unhealthy form of attachment that occurs when someone neglects their own needs to meet the needs of someone else. 

Many people with abandonment issues feel unworthy of love and have a strong impulse or desire to please others. These thoughts and behaviors can make them vulnerable to codependent relationships. Being needed can offer a false sense of purpose for someone with a fear of abandonment.

Panic about losing people

People with abandonment issues typically struggle with fears that they’ll be rejected or left by others. 

At times, these fears can become so intense that they lead to a panic attack. Symptoms of a panic attack may include: 

• Dizziness
• Rapid breathing
• Pounding heart
• Increased heart rate
• Numbness
• Chest pain
• Sweating or chills
• Trembling

Avoiding possible rejection 

Many people who fear abandonment are deeply insecure and feel vulnerable when they open up to others. This may cause them to become emotionally unavailable or withdrawn in their relationships. In some cases, someone may even sabotage an intimate relationship because they believe that they’ll inevitably be rejected. 

Causes of Abandonment Issues 

There are several causes of abandonment issues. 

“Abandonment results from either a physical or emotional disconnection from the primary caregiver and/or primary attachment figure. Genetic predispositions to higher levels of sensitivity to an environment that feels unstable, unreliable, or unsafe can lead to feelings of abandonment. Also, caregivers can pass away or completely leave the scene altogether, so it’s not completely dependent on the interaction styles.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Childhood

Attachment styles are developed during infancy and early childhood, and an insecure attachment style can lead to a fear of abandonment in adulthood. Abandonment issues may be caused by childhood abuse, neglect, or environmental stressors, such as growing up in poverty or living in a dangerous area.

Trauma

Traumatic experiences can cause abandonment issues or make the fear of abandonment more intense. When someone is physically or emotionally threatened or experiences extreme stress, the resulting trauma might impact their lives in an adverse way. Many types of trauma, including abuse or accidents, can be a source of abandonment anxiety.

Death

Losing a loved one is a devastating experience that can cause lasting grief and fear. Studies show that the death of a parent or caregiver during childhood can cause severe abandonment issues that continue into adulthood. The sudden loss of a partner can also result in severe anxiety.

Relationship loss

In some cases, the loss of a romantic relationship can be traumatic, particularly if the romantic relationship ends because of infidelity, divorce, or death. These experiences can change the way someone views themselves and their interpersonal relationships, leading to anxiety about future relationships. 

Healing from Abandonment Issues

It can be a long, and sometimes daunting, process to learn how to heal from abandonment issues, but you can do it! Here’s how:

Therapy

Fears of abandonment are often rooted in unresolved trauma. In person or online therapy can help you work through your abandonment trauma and change unhealthy behaviors. 

With the help of a therapist, you’ll be able to develop coping mechanisms and tools to help you manage your anxiety so you can focus on healing abandonment issues.

Understanding what it is

Understanding how to heal from abandonment issues can be difficult, especially if you haven’t yet explored what the issues are and where they stem from. 

Many people with a fear of abandonment don’t know what a healthy relationship should (or could) look like. Identifying your attachment style can be instrumental in helping you understand your behavior and recognize triggers for your anxiety. 

Self-care

If you’re struggling with abandonment issues, you’re not alone. Many people deal with abandonment fears, and the anxieties that result can be difficult to navigate without help. 

While you can change your behavior and build healthier relationships, these changes won’t happen overnight. During the process of exploration and healing, be sure to take care of yourself. Self-care is always important, but it’s even more imperative when you are on a journey toward healing abandonment issues in your relationships. 

Be kind to yourself as you learn how to heal from abandonment issues. Asking for help can be difficult or even frightening, but you shouldn’t hesitate to reach out for support if you need it. Practice self-care throughout the process, so you have the strength to heal.

What Is Trauma Dumping?

Trauma dumping occurs when an individual shares their traumatic experiences without the recipient’s consent, often at inappropriate times or places. This act can place undue emotional pressure on someone who may not be prepared or able to process such intense information. Typically, trauma dumping does not involve a mutual exchange or support but rather an overwhelming one-sided outpouring of personal distress.

It can be done by constantly talking about a traumatic experience or by deliberately reliving it through reenactment. Trauma dumping can have negative consequences for the individual doing the dumping and for anyone on the receiving end. 

“Trauma dumping is the unfiltered sharing of strong emotions or upsetting experiences without permission from the listener.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Olga Molina, D.S.W., LCSW 

When someone experiences any of the many types of trauma, they often feel overwhelmed and seek relief by sharing their story. Unfortunately, this can backfire. The listener may feel burdened by having to hear about the trauma, and they may even start to avoid the person continually bringing up traumatic events.

It’s important to remember that everyone deals with trauma differently. There’s no right or wrong way to process trauma.

Trauma Dumping vs. Venting

When discussing traumatic experiences, we need to understand the difference between dumping and venting. Both involve sharing difficult experiences with others, but they serve different purposes.

Dumping is when we unload personal trauma onto someone else without regard for their emotional state or well-being. We might do this because we’re overwhelmed by our experience and need relief, or we may think the other person can fix us.

Venting, on the other hand, is a way of releasing some of the pent-up emotions associated with trauma in a safe and controlled manner. When we vent to another person, we’re mindful of their emotional boundaries and only share as much as they can handle hearing. This allows us to process our difficult emotions in a healthy way while still maintaining control.

How to Know If You’re Trauma Dumping

Trauma dumping can be incredibly overwhelming and an emotionally draining experience — both for the person doing the trauma unloading and for the person receiving it. 

How do you know if you’re trauma dumping? Here are some trauma dumping examples to look out for:

You feel like you need to get everything off your chest immediately

Holding in negative feelings about a traumatic event can be extremely difficult. When this happens, you might feel desperate to unload all your emotions onto someone else as soon as possible.

This can lead to impulsively seeking out anyone who’ll listen, regardless of whether or not they’re equipped to deal with your emotional outpouring.

You start talking without taking a breath

Once you finally start talking about what happened, it can be hard to stop. The words may feel like they’re tumbling out as though there’s no tomorrow. This nonstop stream-of-consciousness style of communication can leave both parties feeling exhausted. It can be particularly taxing for the person on the receiving end who didn’t have the opportunity to mentally or emotionally prepare for what they were about to hear.

You become extremely attached to one person

In many cases, a trauma dumper will fixate on one person they view as their “savior.” They’ll cling desperately to this person and pour their heart out at every opportunity, even if it’s been made clear that this level of intimacy is unacceptable. This developed codependency could be due to abandonment trauma experienced at a young age.

Your behavior starts impacting others negatively

Though traumatic events can negatively impact life, make sure your reactions don’t unintentionally hurt those around you. Unfortunately, this isn’t always easy — particularly when you’re already struggling with intense emotions related to your trauma.

You’re not actually getting any relief from trauma dumping

If you’ve been trauma dumping for a while, and it doesn’t seem to provide the release you need, it could be a sign you should seek professional help. Dumping your emotions onto someone else though, — even if they’re sympathetic and willing to listen — isn’t always an adequate substitute for professional counseling or therapy.  

Effects of Trauma Dumping & Oversharing

Trauma dumping can lead to feeling re-traumatized or further traumatized. There are a few reasons why people might engage in trauma dumping. 

For some, it might be a way of seeking validation or attention. Others may feel that they need to unload the burden of their traumatic experience onto someone else. Still, others may not know how else to cope with their negative feelings surrounding the event.

Social media and trauma dumping

If you’re using social media to share your experiences with the world to gain validation or sympathy, you might be trauma dumping. We often think of social media as a way to stay connected with friends and family — but for some people, it can be anything but positive. 

“Trauma dumping is often seen in social media and can be a form of manipulating friends. Trauma dumping can also happen in person, via text message, or through phone calls.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Olga Molina, D.S.W., LCSW 

Research shows a link between social media and mental health conditions — especially if you’re prone to “trauma dumping.” Remember that there’s nothing wrong with seeking emotional support from others after experiencing something traumatizing. However, it can do more harm than good if you’re constantly reliving the details of your trauma on social media.

How to Deal with Trauma Dumping

How you deal with trauma dumping will depend on if you’re doing the trauma retelling or you’re the one listening to the trauma. 

On the receiving end 

It can be difficult enough to manage your own mental health, but what about when you’re on the receiving end of someone else’s trauma? 

Here are some tips on how to best help a loved one during this challenging time:

• Be there: This may seem obvious, but sometimes, just being present and available can make a difference. Tell them you’re there for them and that they can come to you with anything they need.
• Listen without judgment: It’s important that your loved one feels safe enough to open up fully without worrying they’ll be judged or misunderstood. Take the time to listen and try not to offer any quick solutions or advice unless you’re asked for it directly. Focus on validation by summarizing what was said so they know you’re hearing them.
• Set healthy boundaries: That being said, it’s important you look out for yourself and set healthy boundaries. If a certain topic is triggering for you, validate your loved one’s feelings, but let them know that you do not feel comfortable discussing further with them. Follow up by letting them know you would be happy to help connect them with a mental health professional who can help in a much greater capacity.
• Offer practical help: If your loved one is struggling with everyday tasks like cooking or cleaning, see if there’s anything you can do to help. You might offer to pick up around the house or take care of the shopping so they can focus emotionally on taking care of themself.
• Encourage self-care: Helping a traumatized loved one practice healthy coping mechanisms such as exercise, relaxation techniques, journaling for mental health, or talk therapy can be a crucial component in their recovery journey. It is equally as important you care for yourself, as well. You cannot fully help someone else if you, yourself, are in need of help, too.
• Seek professional help together: Talking things through with a trained therapist can provide invaluable insight and guidance that would otherwise be unavailable.
  

Being on the receiving end of someone else’s personal trauma can be difficult, but there are ways you can support your loved one. Being present and actively listening, without judgment, can make a huge difference.

As the trauma dumper

When it comes to trauma dumping, we generally think more about the person on the receiving end — but what about the person doing the dumping?

If you find yourself in a relationship where you trauma dump on others (or you feel tempted to do so), make an effort to stop, for your sake and theirs.

• Take some time for self-reflection
• Try identifying why you’re turning to this type of behavior to cope 
• Consider trauma therapy so you can make the necessary changes to prevent the pattern from continuing 

Learn How to Effectively Deal with Trauma with Talkspace

If you’re struggling with trauma, seeking help from a mental health professional is essential, especially if you’re dumping your trauma onto others. Trauma dumping can damage existing relationships and make it difficult to form new, healthy ones.

When not dealt with, trauma can lead to anxiety, depression, and other physical and mental health conditions. If you need someone to talk to, consider finding a therapist online or in-person who can help you deal with your trauma more positively and effectively.

If you’re looking for help, consider seeking out online therapy. Talkspace is an online therapy platform that’s a great option if you don’t have the time or ability to see a therapist in person. Online therapy can provide the guidance you need to work through your trauma in a safe and confidential setting from the comfort of your home. 

Reach out to Talkspace today to learn more about how to deal with trauma. 

What is Emotional Labor?

Types of Emotional Labor

Examples of Emotional Labor

The Mental Cost of Emotional Labor

How to Deal with Emotional Labor 

Learning to Cope with Talkspace

1. Be Ready to Be Yourself 

People often feel pressure to hide their flaws or play the role of the perfect partner. As a result, it’s not uncommon to be afraid when you’re feeling vulnerable. Sharing thoughts and feelings can be scary, but it’s an important part of a healthy relationship. While hiding your true self from your partner might seem to be working in the short term, it will eventually damage your relationship. 

Being yourself can help build intimacy and let you forge a stronger connection with your partner. Studies show that people who are true to themselves engage in fewer destructive behaviors and have more positive relationships overall. In addition, authenticity will create opportunities for you and your partner to grow together as a married couple.

“Come prepared with the role you play in creating hurdles in the relationship. Also, consider your strengths.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

2. Think About Your Relationship and Outside Influences 

Human beings are social creatures, and the people around us partially shape our views. While these influences can be positive, they can also be damaging. When you evaluate your relationship, consider if outside opinions have impacted how you see your spouse. 

When a friend or family member is overly critical of your partner, it might cause you to see them in a more negative light. It’s okay to seek input or advice from others, but in a healthy relationship, you and your partner should be on the same team. 

Talk with your couples counselor or therapist about these influences. If necessary, you may want to set family boundaries or friendship boundaries with some people in your life.

“Think about data points that are applicable within your relationship, but also outside the relationship as well (friends and family interactions).”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

3. Define and Share Goals

One of the most important marriage counseling tips is to talk with your partner about what you want to accomplish. Before your first counseling session with a therapist, the two of you should work together to set and define your goals for relationship therapy. These objectives can help you stay focused and track your progress over time. 

Discussing goals with your partner is also a way to ensure that you’re on the same page. You can share your personal goals and work together to identify things you want to work toward. Some common goals for marriage therapy might include:

• Improving communication
• Finding healthier ways to achieve conflict resolution
• Identifying the root causes of disputes

“Be ready to share some goals that you hope to accomplish in our work together. Something measurable is great here.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

4. Be Honest

While everyone knows that honesty is the best policy, lying in therapy is surprisingly common. A study from Columbia University found that 93% of participants had intentionally lied to a therapist. Remember, if you’re not able to be honest, even the most effective couples therapy tips might not be able to help you.

During relationship therapy, you might be tempted to tell a white lie to avoid embarrassment or prevent hurt feelings. Try to avoid these impulses and express your real feelings, even when it’s hard. Yes, the truth can be painful at times, but being honest with your partner is a way to identify the relationship issues you need to work on.

“Be honest, even if that means a higher propensity for hurt feelings.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

5. Look at the Past

Unhealthy relationship patterns are often rooted in past experiences. Our relationships with caregivers in childhood can shape our expectations for relationships later in life. One of the best marriage counseling tips is to bring up significant events from your past, even if they happened long before you met your partner. 

Discussing past experiences can help you work through relationship issues and be more sensitive to each other’s physical, mental, or emotional needs. Being open can also allow you to heal. With the help of your therapist, you can work to overcome past trauma and build a healthier relationship in the present. 

“Reflect on how childhood histories could be impacting the relationship culture.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

6. Explain and Listen

There are plenty of great tips for couples counseling, but at the end of the day, what you get out of your therapy session depends on what you put into it. Not only should you share your thoughts and emotions, but you should take the time to explain these feelings.

When your partner is ready to share their perspective, make sure you listen. Instead of getting defensive, try understanding where your partner is coming from. Research has consistently shown that active listening can improve relationship satisfaction.

Find ways to show your partner that you’re engaged in what they have to say. For example, you could nod your head along with statements or look at them while they talk. If you have a question or feedback, you should wait until they finish before speaking up. Learning how to communicate in a relationship is a key component of any healthy bond. 

“Expound on your explanation, so everyone understands, but also make space for everyone to contribute.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

7. Ask Questions

Couples therapy tips often encourage you to listen, but you should also be willing to speak up and ask questions. If you’re having trouble grasping what your partner is saying or if you’re struggling to see where they’re coming from, the right questions could help you see things from their point of view. 

While questions can provide clarification and help you understand your partner, some questions can come across as defensive. Before you ask questions, take the time to validate your partner’s feelings. Let them know that you care and want to know more. 

For example, if your partner says they don’t feel loved, reassure them of your feelings and let them know that you want to find better ways to show them love and support. Ask them to tell you what makes them feel special or appreciated and figure out their love language. Make a point of following up on the feedback they give you.

“Ask questions if something is confusing, so we can all resolve the confusion together.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Are Karmic Relationships Soulmates?

When you meet a karmic partner for the first time, it can feel like you’ve found your soulmate. The connection is often described as feeling “magnetic.” You might think you’re “meant to be,” or you must have known each other in a past life. 

Unfortunately, while these relationships seem perfect initially, the karmic bond quickly becomes unhealthy. Karmic relationships are often volatile and exhausting, even when you care deeply about one another, so, no, there’s no such thing as a karmic soulmate relationship. Additionally, some people confuse karmic relationships with “twin flames,” but there are vast differences when comparing a karmic relationship vs twin flame.

Over time, a karmic relationship will become increasingly difficult to maintain, but while these unhealthy relationships tend to be short-lived, they can be learning experiences and opportunities for personal growth.

What Are the Signs of a Karmic Relationship?

When caught up in a karmic relationship, it can be hard to recognize red flags. It’s easy to overlook issues when you have passionate feelings for someone. If you feel magnetically drawn to your partner, watch out for these common karmic relationship patterns and signs. 

Codependency

A karmic relationship can feel all-consuming. You may feel like you’re addicted to your partner or like you need to be around them all the time. A codependent dynamic can make it challenging to end things, even when one or both partners feels unhappy in the relationship. 

“Karmic relationships indicate feeling or expressing a passionate response very early on in a relationship. Oftentimes, instant chemistry is mutually felt. Sometimes, the drain of that connection or addiction to a partner is described as exhausting rather than feeling calmly settled in a grounded partnership.

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

Unpredictability

While healthy relationships are characterized by stability, karmic relationships tend to be full of ups and downs. These relationships can be explosive, shifting from moments of passion to fiery arguments at the flick of a switch. At times, you may feel thrilled with your partner, but at other moments, you might feel miserable with your relationship problems. 

Constant arguing

It’s normal for couples to disagree every once in a while, but you and your partner shouldn’t be discussing how to stop fighting in a relationship all the time. Most couples in healthy relationships won’t argue every day, or even every week. Your relationship may have a karmic dynamic if you and your partner are constantly in conflict and seem to always have unresolved issues.

Feeling on edge

It’s hard to know what to expect in a karmic relationship, and that instability can lead to constant feelings of unease, and even relationship anxiety. When minor disagreements erupt into major arguments, it can feel like the relationship is doomed to end at any time. If you’re in a karmic relationship, you may feel like you’re always waiting for something to go wrong. 

The Tricky Dynamic of a Karmic Relationship

Couples with karmic bonds often have intense chemistry. When your relationship is going well, you may feel as though things are perfect. The unpredictability of the relationship can even feel exciting. These emotions often make it difficult to acknowledge the more negative aspects of your relationship. 

Even though a karmic connection can feel good at times, this relationship dynamic can be deeply toxic. These relationships may lead to potentially harmful behaviors, such as:

• Feeling desperate for your partner’s approval
• Lying or hiding things from your partner to avoid a fight
• Possessiveness or jealousy
• Feeling emotionally and physically drained
• Wanting to control your partner
• Feeling guilty when you express how you feel
• Being intimidated or fearful of your partner

How to Get Out of a Karmic Relationship

It can be hard to end a relationship, especially if you and your partner have a strong bond. People often report a decline in their well-being after ending a romantic relationship. While a breakup may be painful in the short term, ending a toxic relationship can lead to long-term fulfillment and growth. 

If you’re ready to leave your karmic partner but aren’t sure how to walk away, these tips will help you find the strength you need.

Find sources of support

It’s common for people in karmic relationships to feel dependent on their partner. Reaching out to family and friends for support can give you the strength you need to leave. Research also shows that a strong support system can reduce feelings of psychological distress. 

Be firm

When you end things, be clear and firm in your feelings. Try to avoid an argument or a long, drawn-out conversation. If you’re worried about how your partner will react, it’s OK to end the relationship via text or email for your safety. 

Cut off contact

After you end a karmic relationship, you might miss your partner or find that you’re starting to focus on the relationship’s positive aspects. This can lead to a break-up/make-up cycle. It’s best to cut off contact with your partner, including contact on social media, so you both have the space you need.

Practice self-care

Instead of allowing negative emotions to consume you or beating yourself up for the past, try to create a positive environment. Focus on activities you love and spend time with people you care about. While you won’t feel better overnight, self-care can help you to heal. 

Consider therapy

Leaving a karmic relationship can be difficult, but recovering from it can be even more complicated. Through certain types of either in-person or online therapy, such as Imago therapy, a therapist can help you to understand what went wrong in your past relationship. With their help, you’ll be able to learn healthy communication skills, grow as a person mentally, and identify what you need in future relationships.  

“We grow from every relationship, and although it may be time to separate, it’s more than OK to take some time to reflect independently about what is not serving you in a relationship any longer, especially if you feel overworked from your point of view. Accepting your growth or change is one place to start to better understand what you may need elsewhere. Of course, talking it through with a professional or trusted friend can always help add perspective on how to move on healthfully.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

Finding the Courage & Toolset to Break Free

Karmic relationships can be enticing, but these dramatic partnerships are ultimately toxic. If you have an unhealthy karmic connection with your partner, a therapist at Talkspace can help you to end the relationship and move forward. Don’t be afraid to seek help for your mental health if you feel trapped in a destructive relationship.

What Is Self-Sabotaging in a Relationship? 

When people self-sabotage, they engage in behaviors that interfere with their well-being or keep them from achieving their long-time goals. In a relationship, self-sabotage can prevent you from having a close connection with your partner. 

Self-sabotage can be conscious or unconscious. From the outside perspective, though, the behavior often appears deliberate.

“Self-sabotaging is a set of behaviors that are conscious or unconscious which can result in the ending of a relationship. Self-sabotage can come from past experiences that cause a person to be mistrustful of others. With it comes a fear of getting hurt, which might happen if someone stays in a relationship. Therapy can help a person identify their behavior as self-sabotaging and help them stop it.”

– Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC

Reasons for Self-Sabotaging in Relationships

While people might self-sabotage relationships for many reasons, the behavior is often rooted in trauma. During childhood, our relationships with caregivers can have a lasting impact on how we relate to others. People with a history of insecure relationships may automatically assume that future ones are doomed to fail. 

Research backs up the theory that self-sabotage can be a form of self-protection. As discussed, if someone’s afraid of being hurt or abandoned, it might lead to them sabotaging a relationship — subconsciously or purposefully — to try and prevent future harm. 

Fear of abandonment or intimacy is a primary cause of self-sabotage, but research also shows that people might self-sabotage for other reasons, too. For example, trust issues, limited relationship skills, unrealistic expectations, or low self-esteem, among other things, are all common in self-sabotaging relationships. Further, we know that these behaviors often repeat across multiple relationships.

5 Signs of Self-Sabotaging in a Relationship

Since self-sabotage isn’t always conscious, it can be challenging to spot. 

“Signs of self-sabotage include gaslighting, criticism, difficulty maintaining relationships, and jealousy. It’s important to recognize how one might be sabotaging the relationship so that the behavior can be stopped before it’s too late. Therapy can help someone who’s struggling develop more self-awareness and insight to prevent the behavior from moving forward.”

– Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC

Someone with a history of self-sabotaging relationship patterns may engage in some of the following behaviors.

1. Trust issues

As noted, people prone to self-sabotage often struggle to trust their partners. Experiencing insecurity in relationships due to a lack of trust can lead to accusations and jealous behaviors. In some cases, someone who self-sabotages may search for proof of betrayal, even when there is no indication that their partner has done something wrong. 

2. Gaslighting

Gaslighting in relationships is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse in which someone makes another person doubt their memories, experiences, or feelings. Someone who consistently self-sabotages may deny wrongdoing or dismiss their partner’s feelings when confronted for their behaviors. 

3. Excessive criticism 

Another common form of self-sabotage is looking for excuses to leave a relationship. When some people self-sabotage, they might fixate on the negative emotions and aspects of a relationship while ignoring the positives. They may nitpick their partner’s behaviors, picking fights and searching for fault in everything they do.

4. Avoidance

While some people who self-sabotage look for problems, others may try to avoid conflict entirely. For example, someone who self-sabotages may refuse to talk through issues with their partner. They might insist things are fine. People who cope with avoidance also might deny their feelings or desires in romantic relationships.

5. Infidelity

It’s not uncommon for people who self-sabotage to engage in deliberately hurtful behaviors. They might cheat, for example, to give their partner a reason to leave them. It’s also not uncommon for them to justify their unhealthy behavior by claiming they’re just “hurting their partner before they get hurt.” If you’re experiencing infidelity in your relationship, be sure you learn how to get over infidelity.

How to Stop a Self-Sabotaging Relationship

Self-awareness is key to ending self-sabotaging behavior. If you can recognize destructive patterns of behavior, you can take steps to prevent these behaviors in the future. You can also work to build skills that will help you form healthy, intimate relationships. 

How to end self-sabotaging behavior

Be accountable

To stop self-sabotaging, you must take responsibility for your behavior. First, recognize the role you’ve played in damaging your past relationships. Once you confront these behaviors, you can work to change them. 

Identify triggers

If you have a history of sabotaging a relationship subconsciously, try to figure out what triggers your behavior. Do you tend to lash out after a partner expresses a need for commitment? Are there certain places that put you on edge? Once you figure out what triggers your fears, you can find healthier ways to deal with your feelings.

Share your feelings

Expressing your feelings to your partner can be difficult when you’re afraid of intimacy or abandonment. However, opening up about how you feel can help your partner understand what you’re going through. You can work on issues together when you learn to communicate with your partner about your struggles. 

Seek professional help

Self-sabotage can be deeply damaging, and these behaviors aren’t always easy to overcome. Working with a therapist can help you identify problematic behaviors and heal from past trauma. With professional help, you can develop essential coping skills and work to end the self-sabotaging relationship cycle.

How to help a self-sabotaging partner

Remember that it’s not your fault

Don’t make excuses for your partner’s behavior or blame yourself when they lash out. Self-sabotaging can be deeply hurtful, but it’s important to remember that you’re not at fault for your partner’s actions. Stand up for yourself and ask your partner to take responsibility when they lash out. 

Provide positive reinforcement 

Many people with a history of self-sabotage don’t know what a healthy relationship should look like. When your partner opens up to you about their feelings or takes steps to address their destructive behaviors, offer them support and encouragement. Let them know you appreciate their efforts toward breaking the cycle. 

Encourage them to seek help

While you can give your self-sabotaging partner love and support, you alone can’t fix their issues for them. Remind them how much you care about them and want to see them get the assistance they need. Encourage them to seek help from a professional. 

End Self-Sabotaging Behaviors with Professional Help

It isn’t always easy to stop self-sabotage in a relationship, but if you realize that relationship self-sabotage is something you or your partner are struggling with, get support. Talkspace offers online therapy with skilled mental health professionals who understand how to break the cycle of self-sabotage behavior and can assist you in learning how to fix a broken relationship. It’ll take work, but you can learn how to have a healthy, mutually-rewarding relationship. You and your partner can begin offering one another the love and stability you’re both looking for in a relationship.  

Talkspace will connect you with an online therapist who can help you work through the trauma and change the self-destructive behaviors that are damaging your current relationship. Self-sabotage can be devastating, but it’s something that you can overcome with professional help.