What to Expect when Dating Someone With OCD

One of the most important things to remember if you’re involved with someone with OCD is that their habits, routines, and ways of doing things may seem very different to you. You might view some of their actions and obsessive tendencies as being excessive, unnecessary, or repetitive. 

However, realizing that their obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors are typically beyond their control can help you come to terms with, and be accepting of, their condition. 

“Some of the most common challenges couples face are: 

• lack of trust (checking their partner’s phone or email); 
• excessive habits or routines (double checking if they have their cell phone); 
• repeating actions or phrases that may not make sense to you (rubbing their elbow or saying an affirmation three times)

“Patience, psychoeducation, good communication, and understanding are four main ways to address them to maintain a healthy relationship.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-C, LCSW-S

You should be aware of — and even expect — any or all of the following symptoms if you’re dealing with OCD in a relationship:

Behavioral compulsion

Behavioral compulsions are common with OCD. This could look like excessive hand washing, repetitive tapping, or excessively cleaning.  

How to help: Figure out what some of their behavioral compulsions look like. Once you’re aware of them, you can learn how to navigate times that you see your partner begin to engage. Sometimes it can help if you know what to expect. It’s important to not reinforce those compulsive behaviors.

Mental compulsions

Unlike behavioral compulsions, mental compulsions aren’t necessarily physical acts. Rather, they can be seen when somebody with OCD silently counts, overanalyzes different scenarios or situations, or repetitively says things (like a prayer) to convince themselves nothing bad will happen.

How to help: 

• Remain calm. 
• Try not to judge or shame your partner for what they think or feel. 
• Remember that even if their thoughts seem unrealistic to you, they’re very real to your loved one.

Stress

Sometimes people with OCD fear the stress of an intimate relationship. All of us fear rejection on some level. It can stem from past failed relationships, body issues, or fear about the loss of our identity, among other things. Those with OCD often have some of the same fears, but they may be significantly amplified.

How to help: 

• Be patient and understanding. 
• Remember that for those who have OCD, their thoughts are sometimes uncontrollable. 
• Talk to your partner. 
• Getting OCD therapy may help if either of you still struggles.

Anxiety

OCD and anxiety go hand-in-hand. If you’re dating someone with OCD, just knowing that their emotions can swing and their anxiety can go up and down might mean you won’t be as caught off guard if they begin to feel anxious. By understanding this you might even be able to help them during intrusive experiences and stressful situations. 

How to help: Never assume or suggest that your partner isn’t trying hard enough. Do not blame them for their anxiety.

If you’re experiencing any of these or other challenges in a relationship with somebody who has OCD, be sure to get the help you need too. In-person or online therapy can be very beneficial and drastically increase the chance of your relationship surviving. 

How to Support Your Partner With OCD

The very best thing that you can do when dealing with OCD in a relationship is to learn about the mental health condition yourself. Beyond your own understanding, try to understand how it affects your partner. This way, you can learn how to help someone with OCD better.

OCD does not have the same effect on everybody and not everyone has the same OCD experience. For this reason, it’s important to try and understand exactly what your partner is going through, so you can help him or her. If they’re already seeking therapy, be sure to ask about and understand their treatment plan. Additionally, support groups can also be a great resource — for both of you!

Educate yourself

Learning as much as possible about your partner’s OCD means you can have a more compassionate, deeper understanding of what your partner might be experiencing. This can go a long way in building trust and showing that you’re a safe place for them when an intrusive thought or anxiety creeps in. Knowing how to support or how to help stop intrusive thoughts is valuable in a relationship.

Be patient

It might seem silly to even bring it up, but a reminder to be patient is worth mentioning. Offering empathy and acknowledging what your partner is feeling can make it easier for them to open up to you. 

“Be nonjudgmental. Try to understand what your partner is thinking and feeling by educating yourself and showing kindness.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-C, LCSW-S

Help find treatment

Being supportive can also mean helping someone find an OCD treatment. Whether you go to couples therapy, individual therapy, or a combination of the two, working together to seek treatment can help you build a bridge of understanding that can be valuable to you both.

“Help your partner find treatment, or better yet, look for that and combine it with joint sessions as well.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-C, LCSW-S

Be respectful

Making an effort to keep respectful lines of communication open is valuable in any relationship, not just when one of you has OCD. Too often, we find ourselves being dismissive simply because we don’t know how to communicate. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) can help you learn effective communication skills, especially if OCD is part of the equation. 

It’s true: dating can be hard. Though, dating with OCD doesn’t have to be that much harder than any other relationship. When you have the right information and resources, you can focus on creating a healthy, strong bond that endures the test of time. It absolutely is possible to be in a relationship with someone who has OCD, and now you have the tools to achieve it. 

Sources:

1. “What Is OCD?”. International OCD Foundation, https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/. Accessed 9 Sept 2021.
2. “The Impact Of OCD On Relationships”. United Brain Association, 2019, https://unitedbrainassociation.org/2019/07/24/the-impact-of-ocd-on-relationships/. Accessed 9 Sept 2021.

What Are the 4 Main Types of OCD?

All forms of OCD are similar in that a trigger occurs, causing intrusive thoughts, which then cause distress and anxiety and ultimately lead to compulsive behavior. Both OCD obsessions and compulsions can have either physical or emotional symptoms. 

There are several categories of OCD that are not listed as core types such as relationship OCD, pedophilia OCD, and sexual orientation OCD,  but the following four stand out as they’re some of the more commonly seen and clinically recognized types. 

1. Cleaning/contamination OCD

People who have a cleaning or contamination OCD tend to focus on fear or intense feelings of discomfort that results from contamination or uncleanliness. Washing excessively is normal and is done in an attempt to relieve the feelings of distress. 

A good example of contamination OCD is touching a light switch and convincing yourself that it was dirty and that you’re now contaminated. You may fear that you’ll contaminate others which may lead to the repetitive behavior of frequently washing your hands to try and cleanse yourself. 

2. Order/symmetry or counting compulsions OCD

Order and symmetry and counting compulsions OCD creates a very intense urge to arrange and rearrange things until they’re just right — or at least exactly how you think they should be. In some cases of symmetry OCD, this compulsive behavior could look like a need to constantly rearrange the socks in your drawer to be organized by color or by type. 

This subtype might also make you count or say phrases or words over and over again until you feel something is done perfectly. Sometimes the need to order, count, or repeat can be an attempt to stave off danger or bad luck. You may feel like if you get something perfectly arranged, or if you say a certain phrase so many times, perhaps someone won’t die, or they won’t leave you. 

3. Harm OCD

Harm OCD involves extreme feelings or worry that you’ll harm yourself or others. In order to relieve these unwanted thoughts, you might use what’s known as checking rituals. 

An example of harm OCD is you may believe that you accidentally hit someone with your car. You can feel so strongly about this that you’ll be compelled to drive back to the place where you thought the accident occurred to prove to yourself nothing happened. You’ll likely do this repeatedly in an attempt to be absolutely sure.

3. Hoarding OCD

Hoarding OCD is now actually recognized as its own diagnosis in the DSM-5. When someone hoards, they collect items that typically don’t have much value. Magazines, notes, clothing, games, containers — a hoarder may keep so many of these items, their home becomes virtually unlivable as it’s so filled with clutter.

An obsessive thought surrounding not having something you might one day need is common with hoarding. This OCD subtype has a higher rate of co-existing depression and anxiety than others. 

Note that hoarding OCD is a separate condition from compulsive hoarding and can occur on its own without a distinct OCD diagnosis.

“The three most common types of OCD include cleaning/contamination, order/symmetry, and harmful, intrusive thought patterns. Cleaning/contamination involves washing everything excessively to ward off contamination. Order/symmetry involves organizing items by color, shape, or category to the point where other areas of our life are impaired. Harmful, intrusive thought patterns can be described as being forced to think about things without having control over the topics.”

Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Types of OCD That Aren’t Formally & Clinically Recognized

The obsessions and compulsions that come with OCD can often manifest themselves in ways that aren’t commonly recognized as a main type of OCD. These include:

• Relationship OCD: Relationship OCD (ROCD) occurs when someone experiences obsessions and compulsions as a response to something within a relationship. People with ROCD may find themselves constantly being flooded with obsessive and intrusive thoughts about your significant other or your relationship with them.
• Pedophilia OCD: This subtype occurs when a person has unwelcome sexual or harmful thoughts about children. This usually causes the person to experience guilt, embarrassment, and depression. People living with POCD don’t intend on harming a child, yet they’re constantly bombarded with unwanted thoughts of it. If you find yourself dealing with the same, it’s important that you seek a therapist for support.
• Religious OCD: People with religious OCD experience compulsions based on religious tenets or beliefs on morality. Some of their mental compulsions include worries about blasphemous and sinful thoughts. Basically, their obsessive thoughts stem from whether they’re being faithful or unfaithful to their religion. To “purge from their sins,” they do a series of religious and mental rituals as a way of making up for their behavior.
• Existential OCD: For people with existential OCD, their compulsions revolve around questions or phenomena that cannot be answered or explained. Oftentimes, this type of OCD can be misdiagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder or even Clinical Depression because their compulsion leads them to be anxious and depressed.

Obsessive-Compulsive Related Conditions

In addition to the four main subtypes of OCD, there are also obsessive-compulsive-related disorders that can occur.

• Hair-pulling disorder (trichotillomania) — Hair pulling disorder causes a strong urge to pull hair from the head, eyelashes, eyebrows, or anywhere else on your body. Habit reversal training or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) are often successful treatment options for this compulsive behavior.
• Skin picking disorder (excoriation) — Excoriation disorder causes persistent picking of the skin. It can cause infections, lesions, and extreme distress.
• Body dysmorphic disorder — Body dysmorphic disorder involves a preoccupation with what you may perceive as a flaw in your own appearance. Most often, the imperfections you see either aren’t observable at all, or they’re only very slightly observed to others. Body dysmorphic disorder causes repetitive behavior to check your appearance or groom yourself. It also typically involves comparing yourself to others.

Finding OCD Treatment For Your OCD Type

Different types of OCD can have slightly different OCD symptoms, which can make treatment options more tricky since it’s not a one-size-fits-all method. You’ll have to consider what your symptoms are, how severe they are, and which forms of treatment will best work to help you. 

Most mental health experts agree that OCD therapy, medication, or a combination of the two show the most promising benefits for OCD treatment. 

Therapy

Two types of therapies that seem to work better for OCD than others are cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure therapy.

Remember that since OCD symptoms vary by individuals and subtypes, not all therapy techniques will be effective in all forms of OCD. For example, in some research, ERP doesn’t appear as effective for treating obsessive thoughts. However, other CBT techniques like mindfulness-based CBT might be better for an intrusive or obsessive thought. 

OCD Medication

Prescription medication might be another option, and it’s often suggested solely in the beginning as you learn additional coping techniques in therapy. Some of the drugs that have proven effective in treating OCD include antidepressants, anti-psychotics, and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs).

Note that, again, OCD medication will be dependent on symptoms. Some studies have shown that certain subtypes of OCD (like cleaning and contamination OCD) may not respond as well to SSRIs.

“Treating different OCD types is quite complex. Typically the best rhythm is by incorporating medications before therapeutically diving into both exposure and response prevention (ERP) and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). Focusing on the thoughts that typically drive the compulsions in the specific form that they come out. Challenge dysfunctional belief systems, perspectives, and ideas that have been reinforcing the pattern to continue.“

Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Which Type of OCD Do I Have?

Since there are so many forms of OCD, figuring out which type of OCD you have will be the first step in finding a way to live with your condition. Start with our OCD test to learn more. Then, reach out to a therapist or doctor for a full diagnosis and develop a treatment plan that can help you manage your mental health condition so you can live life to the fullest. 

You do not have to let your OCD control you, but you can definitely learn how to deal with OCD. Treatment may not ‘cure’ your OCD, but it can help lessen the symptoms and give you the tools you need to make them manageable.

Sources:

1. NIMH » Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Nimh.nih.gov. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd. Accessed September 14, 2021.

2. Williams MT, Mugno B, Franklin M, Faber S. Symptom dimensions in obsessive-compulsive disorder: Phenomenology and treatment outcomes with exposure and ritual prevention. Psychopathology. 2013;46(6):365–376. doi:10.1159/000348582. Accessed September 14, 2021.

3. Starcevic V, Brakoulias V. Symptom Subtypes of Obsessive–Compulsive Disorder: Are they Relevant for Treatment?. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry. 2008;42(8):651-661. doi:10.1080/00048670802203442/. Accessed September 14, 2021.

Understanding Your OCD

The first step in knowing how to cope with OCD is understanding which type you have. OCD is sometimes called a heterogeneous condition, meaning symptoms can widely vary from person to person. Most people will fall into one of several types of OCD — a subtype is just how OCD affects someone. These are some more common subtypes or clusters that researchers have found most people with OCD fall into.

Harm OCD

People with Harm OCD often have overwhelming, violent, disturbing thoughts. They may experience an obsessive thought and aggressive obsession about acting out in horrifying ways. Like other forms of OCD, harm OCD thoughts come as what-if questions. What if you lose control and something awful (usually specific) happens? What if you act out violently against someone else? What if you kill or seriously hurt yourself or someone else?

Examples of harm OCD obsessions:

• What if I stabbed someone?
• What if I drove through that crosswalk with people in the street? 
• What if I jumped in front of that car or train? 

Examples of harm OCD compulsions:

• Hiding all knives
• Going back repeatedly to check (and recheck) if you hit someone or something with your car
• Refusing to go anywhere near train tracks

Pedophilia OCD (POCD)

Pedophilia OCD is defined by the DSM-V as “recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children.” The most difficult part of POCD is the stigma attached to the idea of pedophilia. This can make it hard for many to compartmentalize the concept of the unwanted thoughts attached to POCD.  

Examples of POCD obsessions:

• What if I did something inappropriate to a child and I don’t remember? 
• What if I have inappropriate sexual thoughts about a child I know? 

Examples of POCD compulsions:

• Avoiding all children
• Berating yourself continuously for the thoughts you’re having
• Researching pedophiles to prove to yourself you’re not one

Sexual orientation OCD (SO-OCD)

People with sexual orientation OCD are obsessed with their sexuality. SO-OCD can present as a constant worry or wonder about sexual orientation, without actually having an attraction to someone of the same sex. For this reason, it’s sometimes referred to as homosexual OCD (HOCD). But this name can be confusing, since SO-OCD can be experienced by anyone, with any sexuality.     

Examples of SO-OCD obsessions:

• What if I’m gay because I was attracted to that woman? 
• What if I’m into guys more than girls? 

Examples of SO-OCD compulsions:

• Constantly looking at images of people of the same sex to see if there’s an attraction
• Avoiding spending time with people of the same sex out of fear that there’s confusion about your own sexuality

Relationship OCD (ROCD)

People with relationship OCD (ROCD) will focus on intimate relationships. They may have insecurities about if they’re “right” for their partner in a romantic relationship. There are two common forms of ROCD — partner-focused and relationship-centered. 

Partner-focused ROCD will focus on social qualities, physical features, or personality traits like intelligence or morality.  

Relationship-centered ROCD tends to result in the constant need for reassurance as well as overwhelming doubts about their own feelings about their partner, or about their partner’s feelings about them. 

Examples of ROCD obsessions:

• What if this relationship is wrong for me? 
• What if we aren’t right for each other? 
• What if there’s someone out there who’s better for me?

Examples of ROCD compulsions:

• Repeatedly taking relationship quizzes in magazines, online, or in apps
• Constantly replaying experiences over in your mind — wondering if you really had fun or truly enjoyed each other

Contamination OCD

Contamination OCD is characterized as people being afraid to get ill after being exposed to an aggressive type of bacteria. They also may worry about infecting others. 

Examples of contamination OCD obsessions:

• What if I got AIDS? 
• What if I just gave my daughter a really bad sickness? 

Examples of contamination OCD compulsions:

• Washing hands over and over
• Constantly sanitizing
• Openly avoiding medical spaces or being in public

“Just Right” OCD

With “Just Right” OCD, someone will have a strong, deep feeling that things are “off” or “just not right.” There’s usually not a specific or identifiable fear that can be pinpointed, however. 

Examples of “Just Right” OCD obsessions:

• What if this feeling that something’s off is real? 
• What if I try to start everything over to get it right this time? 

Examples of “Just Right” OCD compulsions:

• Opening and closing doors repeatedly
• Organizing or rearranging things time and time again

“Don’t try to avoid having certain thoughts or push them away. Negative and intrusive thoughts will happen. You can notice these thoughts accepting that they are true.”

Talkspace therapist Liz Kelly, LICSW.

“One suggestion for treating OCD is to practice exercises and strategies outside of your therapy sessions, just like you would learn to play an instrument or train for a 5k race.”

Talkspace therapist Liz Kelly, LICSW.

Sources:

1. NIMH » Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Nimh.nih.gov. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd. Accessed September 7, 2021.

2. NIMH » Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Nimh.nih.gov. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd. Published 2019. Accessed September 7, 2021.

3. Hershfield, MFT J. Overcoming Harm OCD. Adaa.org. https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/overcoming-harm-ocd. Published 2019. Accessed September 7, 2021.

4. Bruce SL, Ching THW, Williams MT. Pedophilia-Themed Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Assessment, Differential Diagnosis, and Treatment with Exposure and Response Prevention. Arch Sex Behav. 2018;47(2):389-402. doi:10.1007/s10508-017-1031-4.

Five Ways to Help Someone With OCD

Being supportive and understanding is the first thing you should focus on. Even though it can be a struggle to truly understand what someone with OCD is experiencing, your patience and willingness to accept how difficult their challenges are is key. 

If you’re looking for tips on how to help someone with OCD, some of the following ideas are a good place to start connecting:

1. Be open

Your willingness to discuss their condition can help someone with OCD open up. Try to accept and understand that it may be hard for them to talk at first. Discussing their obsessions or compulsions can be intimidating and make them feel vulnerable. Because people with OCD often try to hide their OCD thoughts and behaviors, suddenly opening up can be extremely difficult. How you respond can make them feel more comfortable and reassured that they’re in a safe space.

2. Don’t be judgmental 

Even if you feel like you want to react, try not to. While it can be hard to hear about obsessive thoughts or compulsive behavior, your goal here is to establish trust. If you react with shock or even a hint of judgment, it’ll be harder for them to open up to you (and others) in the future.

3. Be grateful

Let them know that you’re honored to have gained their trust. By reassuring that you understand how hard it may be to open up, you’re establishing a deeper connection and reaffirming that they can be honest with you. Let them know that you’ll guard the trust they’ve placed in you and your relationship. 

4. Try to be as patient as possible 

Patience is a virtue, and it’s one that’ll be especially appreciated by someone with OCD. If they feel like you respect their struggles, they’ll be more inclined to continue reaching out. Keep in mind, regardless of what they’re telling you about their obsessions or compulsions, their experiences are incredibly real to them. Their reality, even if it’s not something you can relate to or understand, is both painful and real. 

Even if what they’re sharing seems unrealistic, you need to keep in mind that it’s not irrational to them. This mindset can help you really hear and accept what they’re telling you. 

5. Take the initiative to learn more about OCD

Knowing how to help someone with OCD in part comes from understanding the disorder. Take the time to learn as much as you can about what people with OCD go through. Learning the symptoms and causes can help you get a better grasp on ways you can help a loved one’s OCD. You can also learn more about the different types of OCD and what causes OCD to get worse.

“One thing that family members can do is educate themselves about OCD with the help of a mental help professional.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, LCSW-C, CFTP, EMDR

Helping Someone with OCD Find Treatment

Finding treatment for OCD includes finding the right therapist or online psychiatrist. This is going to be one of the most important parts of helping your loved one manage their disorder. There are a number of treatment options out there that have proven beneficial for OCD. OCD therapy, medication, and as we’ve noted, family education are all essential.  

“Actively participate in the individual’s search to find a qualified mental health professional who teaches the family different strategies on how to respond while also working with the client.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, LCSW-C, CFTP, EMDR

Treatment can be empowering and can help your loved one take control of their life again. But treatment isn’t just for your loved one. By now you probably know that there’s a lot for you and others in the family to understand about obsessive-compulsive disorder. The more education you get, the more you’ll know how to help a loved one with OCD. Whether you are dating someone with OCD or your family member has this condition, your willingness to support them is a great start.

Sources: 

1. Rodriquez PbyK. What not to say to someone with OCD: Pass member. Pass Member | Let’s travel. https://passmember.org/what-not-to-say-to-someone-with-ocd/. Published September 9, 2020. Accessed October 6, 2021.

2. Smith, M.A. M, Robinson L, Segal, Ph.D. J. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) – HelpGuide.org. HelpGuide.org. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/obssessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd.htm. Published 2021. Accessed September 6, 2021.