How Does the Grey Rock Method Work?

People with narcissistic personality disorder crave attention, and making themselves appear like a grey rock is a way to deprive them of the reactions, or narcissistic supply, that they’re seeking. The tactic includes limiting emotional responses, avoiding eye contact, and removing yourself from situations whenever it’s possible to do so.

The theory is that when a toxic person sees you as a boring, uninteresting, grey rock, they may eventually lose interest. Over time, they might learn that they can’t get emotional reactions or engagement from you. If you’re dealing with a toxic person in your life and you’re looking for a way out of the toxic relationship, read on to learn more about how grey rocking works and to hear tips on how you can try it.

Is the Grey Rock Method Effective?

While there’s no official research on the effectiveness of grey rocking, some studies on online behavior suggest that people with narcissistic personality disorder have a tendency to engage in attention-seeking behavior. If a narcissistic person can’t get the attention they want from you, there’s a good chance that they’ll move on and look elsewhere.

The ultimate goal of the grey rock technique is to cause a toxic person or a narcissist to lose interest in you. While you may not be able to completely cut off narcissistic or abusive people in your life, this might be a way to limit the harm that their behavior inflicts on your life and on your mental health.

“The grey rock method is a technique to deal with individuals who are toxic and unhealthy in one’s life. It’s a useful technique to disengage with individuals who cause a lot of stress and instability. It is quite effective but is something that should be implemented sparingly. It’s not intended for use all the time with everyone.”

Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

Risks of the Grey Rock Method

While the grey rock method can be a way to protect yourself from narcissistic abuse or emotional abuse, it does have the potential to backfire. In some cases, the person that you grey rock may become frustrated by the lack of attention, which can cause their behavior to escalate in an attempt to manipulate you into an emotional response.

In addition, some research suggests that suppressing your emotions can be damaging to your own emotional well-being. When you grey rock someone, you have to conceal or disconnect yourself from your feelings. Over time, this might make it difficult to express your feelings and connect with other people in your life, too.

While the grey rock technique can be effective in the short-term, it isn’t something that you should try to do on a long-term basis. If this method doesn’t work for you, you should try to find other ways to deal with the emotional abuse from toxic people in your life.

“This method is a great tool in dealing with difficult individuals in one’s life. However, the more it’s implemented, the more a disconnect can happen. This method requires one to shut off their emotions. If implemented too often, dissociation and a disconnect to self can occur.”

Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

When to Use the Grey Rock Method

Choosing the appropriate time to use the grey rock method is crucial for its effectiveness. This strategy is particularly useful in unavoidable interactions with toxic individuals, such as during family gatherings or in professional settings where you must engage with a difficult person. It is designed to minimize drama and prevent emotional manipulation by keeping your responses as neutral as possible. However, this method should not be used in situations where your physical or emotional safety is at risk. In such cases, seeking professional help or setting firm boundaries is recommended. Use this technique when you need to conserve your emotional energy and reduce conflict without escalating the situation.

7 Tips/Techniques for Grey Rocking

The following tips have been found to be effective, useful, and important if you’re considering grey rocking someone. 

1. Know when to be a grey rock

It’s not always possible to avoid toxic people. If you have a toxic relationship with a narcissistic family member or co-worker, you may still need to deal with them from time to time. The grey rocking technique can help you manage those limited interactions. Grey rocking can also be effective when you’re ending a relationship with someone.

However, you shouldn’t try to use the grey rock method if you’re fearful for your safety. Take steps to protect yourself and do your best to completely remove the person from your life.

2. Don’t let them know what you’re doing

One thing research has told us about narcissistic tendencies is that manipulative behaviors and narcissism go hand in hand. If a person with narcissistic personality disorder knows they’re being grey rocked, they may try to use this against you. You don’t have to explain what or why you’re doing this. Once you start disengaging, you should avoid acknowledging your change in behavior.

3. Limit interactions

The grey rocking technique can take an emotional toll, which is why you should try to make your interactions as brief as possible. When you respond to a question, try to give a yes or no answer. If possible, avoid interacting with them in person so that it’s easier for you to end a conversation.

4. Stay neutral

Manipulative behavior is one trait of a narcissistic person. Even if the toxic person tries to push your buttons, you should do your best not to show any emotion. Instead of saying what you feel or giving in to their emotional manipulation, give flat or factual responses to questions. If you’re asked to comment on something, you could respond with “I haven’t noticed” or “I don’t have an opinion.” Do your best to minimize any body language and avoid eye contact whenever possible.

5. Try grounding techniques

It can be very difficult to disengage from your emotions, especially when someone is trying to provoke you. Grounding techniques like breathing exercises can help you to stay calm and neutral in these situations. Focusing on your breathing can also distract you from a toxic person’s words or behaviors.

6. Leave out personal details

A manipulative person will try to use personal information against you or gaslight you. That’s why you should try to leave out any personal details or emotions when you speak with anyone who you suspect has narcissistic tendencies. The less interesting you seem, and the less the person knows about your life, the more effective grey rocking will be.

7. Take care of yourself

Grey rocking can work, but it can also be difficult. This is why it’s important to make sure that you pay attention to your own needs throughout this process. Even when you’re hiding your emotions, you should make sure you’re still expressing your feelings to the other people in your life. You may want to work with a therapist who can provide you with advice or support.

“Be selective about the people and situations when using this technique. It’s not meant for every unhealthy relationship, but ones where distance can be achieved.”

Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

What to Do if the Grey Rock Method Isn’t Working

If you find that the grey rock method is not effectively deterring a manipulative individual from targeting you, it may be time to reconsider your strategy. First, assess whether you are maintaining emotional neutrality effectively or if your emotional reactions are still being provoked. Sometimes, even subtle responses can fuel further interaction.

Should the method not yield the desired decrease in attention from the individual, consider seeking advice from a mental health professional. A therapist can provide you with additional strategies to protect your emotional well-being and might suggest more direct forms of communication to assert your boundaries. It’s also important to enhance your support system during this time, as having a robust backing can provide the strength needed to deal with ongoing emotional manipulation.

Finding Support as You Navigate Someone With NPD

If someone in your life shows symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, it’s important to protect yourself. In addition to using methods like the grey rock technique to limit your interactions, you should make sure that you have enough support in your life. If you can cut that person out of your life entirely, all the better. You may have scars from the experience, however, you can start healing from narcissistic abuse.

Friends and family can be a valuable source of support, but professional help like online therapy can also be an effective tool. Not only can a therapist help you learn how to set boundaries with a narcissist or toxic person, but they can also help you process your emotions and deal with the aftermath of narcissistic behaviors. When you have help and support, you can minimize the impact that toxic behavior has on your emotional well-being.

If you think the benefits of a therapist would be helpful, but you don’t know where to start, you might consider online therapy . Talkspace offers convenient, accessible, and affordable online therapy that can help you address issues like narcissistic behavior and hone skills like the grey rock technique.

Sources:

1. Nathan DeWall C, Buffardi L, Bonser I, Keith Campbell W. Narcissism and implicit attention seeking: Evidence from linguistic analyses of social networking and online presentation. Pers Individ Dif. 2011;51(1):57-62. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2011.03.011. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886911001310. Accessed June 30, 2022. 

2. Patel J, Patel P. Consequences of Repression of Emotion: Physical Health, Mental Health and General Well Being. International Journal of Psychotherapy Practice and Research. 2019;1(3):16-21. doi:10.14302/issn.2574-612x.ijpr-18-2564. https://openaccesspub.org/ijpr/article/999. Accessed June 30, 2022. 

3. Day N, Townsend M, Grenyer B. Living with pathological narcissism: a qualitative study. Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2020;7(1). doi:10.1186/s40479-020-00132-8. https://bpded.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40479-020-00132-8. Accessed June 30, 2022. 

Marsha Linehan and DBT

Marsha Linehan is the pioneering psychologist who first developed dialectical behavioral therapy in 1993. Linehan’s DBT was initially intended to treat people living with borderline personality disorder (BPD). It allows them to better manage incidences of strong and difficult emotions that are common with BPD.

“Radical acceptance is a cornerstone of dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). It is acceptance of the things that we cannot change.”

Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC

How Does Radical Acceptance Help with Emotional Pain?

Since 1993, DBT and radical acceptance theory have gained a lot of popularity and are now being used to help treat other conditions like certain types of depression, eating disorders, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), to name a few.

DBT for PTSD and numerous other conditions, all have emotional dysregulation in common. Each can be treated with the core lessons taught in both Buddhist theory and radical acceptance.

Practicing radical acceptance helps alleviate painful emotions by encouraging you to:

• Accept reality as it is
• Anticipate occasional misery and be OK with it 
• Explore the core of what’s causing your emotional pain
• Appreciate and accept your past and the present moment, even if it’s not the way you like it

Radical acceptance teaches you that instead of rejecting reality, you should embrace it. This empowers you to break the cycle of emotional suffering, bitterness, unhappiness, anger, or other uncomfortable emotions that you might be persistently experiencing.

We all suffer, and it’s not easy to get through sometimes. However, we cannot expect these difficult emotions to be alleviated without taking action to heal. By acting with intelligence and intention and utilizing healthy coping techniques, self-healing and overcoming emotional pain is possible. Further freedom from your pain can occur much quicker than you might think. 

Now, let’s examine some of the core mechanisms of radical acceptance theory.

Components of radical acceptance

Two crucial elements of radical acceptance are a need to: 

1. Be able to shift your mind to reject suffering
2. Be willing to engage in life fully, understanding the good and the bad

It’s essential that you’re willing to reject intense emotion and pain based on past events or things that are out of your control. You must shift your way of thinking toward accepting the path that you’re on, and not work against yourself by staying inside your misery.

Radical acceptance can help you become determined to minimize negative emotions like bitterness, hatred, anger, guilt, and shame. It’s important to make an internal commitment to start practicing acceptance of your reality. To fully shift your mind, you’ll need to repeat this inner commitment and be dedicated to its development. 

In time, you’ll find yourself moving away from misery and reveling in the enjoyment of life.

All of this considered, it’s important to acknowledge that no long-term healing from emotional pain can happen unless you’re willing to actively participate in life. It takes willpower to achieve a new lifestyle that’s free from persistent emotional pain. You should be prepared: like any healing, it’s going to take work. The result, however, is well worth the effort. A more peaceful life of happiness and freedom from this intense emotion is what you’re working toward.

Examples of Radical Acceptance

Examples of painful experiences that radical acceptance might be able to help you navigate include:

• The death of a loved one
• A diagnosis of terminal illness
• Coping with trauma or fear from childhood sexual abuse
• The loss of a respectable job or position
• Hunger, war, or other misery in the world

For some people, learning to embrace traumatic experiences like these has helped them from becoming depressed or otherwise emotionally distressed. When you can acknowledge that many people live in suffering, sometimes in much worse situations than yours, the concept of embracing life and living as much as you’re able to can be game-changing. 

“Radical acceptance means that we accept something we have no control over. We might not be okay with it, but we must accept it in order to move on with our lives.”

Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC

How to Practice Radical Acceptance Using DBT

There are several different DBT therapy techniques and ways that you can begin practicing acceptance right now:

• Pay attention to and acknowledge the reality of your situation
• Open up and experience acceptance on a whole-body-and-mind level
• Understand that your current situation is not a permanent state of reality
• Acknowledge that you can’t always change everything that makes you unhappy
• Make a list of the types of behaviors you want to exhibit once you accept your painful past
• Embrace negative emotions like disappointment and grief, knowing that they’ll end
• Pay attention to the physical and mental sensations that your body and brain experience 
• Plan activities you usually avoid, thinking about the best coping mechanisms you’ll use during them
• Believe that life is worth living and everything is going to be OK after this temporary pain passes

As with all positive and beneficial life tools, radical acceptance DBT takes time, dedication, and practice to learn and implement in your life. Gently but firmly embracing this new way of thinking will help you begin to act free from emotional pain, anxiety, and misery.

“When we radically accept a part of reality that has caused us pain in the past, we’re able to start the process of healing. Ultimately, we’re able to let go of the negative thoughts and feelings that came up for us due to this reality.”

Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC

Conclusion

Nearly 53 million people in the United States were living with a mental health condition in 2020. Regardless of what specific condition they were dealing with, emotional dysregulation is a common symptom. If you suffer from any type of mental health condition that causes you emotional pain, radical acceptance can be a powerful tool so you can gain a clear picture of who you are, who you want to be, and what happiness life holds for you.

Radical acceptance DBT techniques can offer incredible skills for anyone who suffers emotionally. Talkspace is an online therapy platform where you can find the best therapist or psychologist for you. Ask someone who specializes in DBT how you can use radical acceptance skills to heal from your past. Reach out and ask for the help you need.  

Sources:

1. Chapman AL. Dialectical behavior therapy: current indications and unique elements. Psychiatry (Edgmont). 2006;3(9):62-68. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2963469/. Accessed April 5, 2022.

2. Görg N, Priebe K, Böhnke J, Steil R, Dyer A, Kleindienst N. Trauma-related emotions and radical acceptance in dialectical behavior therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder after childhood sexual abuse. Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2017;4(1). doi:10.1186/s40479-017-0065-5. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28717512/.Accessed April 5, 2022.

3. Mental Illness. National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/mental-illness. Published 2022. Accessed April 5, 2022.  

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Defined

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition marked by a grand level of self-importance, an intense need for excessive admiration and attention from others, and a general lack of empathy for others.

People with NPD display extreme confidence while also being unable to gracefully accept even small criticisms or complaints.

Gaslighting Defined

Gaslighting is the use of a patterned, repetitive set of manipulation tactics that makes someone question reality. It’s often used by people with narcissistic personality disorder, abusive individuals, cult leaders, criminals, and dictators.

It’s important to point out that gaslighting is a “patterned” behavior. It’s intentional and designed to make you question your memories and experiences.

Toxic people who gaslight instill confusion intended to make others rely on them. Convincing someone to question their reality gives a gaslighter a sense of power and superiority. 

Despite all this, gaslighting often isn’t so obvious. Many gaslighters may not realize they’re gaslighting, and many people who are being gaslighted also fail to recognize it at first. 

What gaslighting is not:

Gaslighting is not a single incident. When attempting to identify gaslighting, look for a pattern of behavior that appears to be both malicious and intentional. There are various instances when behavior may seem to be gaslighting but it’s actually not. Consider the following statements:

• “You’re misunderstanding what I’m saying. That’s not what I meant.”
• “That’s not the way I remember things happening that day.”
• “Ah, c’mon. What I did wasn’t that bad.”
• “I didn’t intend for that to happen.”

Many people will say things like this, but they’re not gaslighters in the true sense. If you want to spot gaslighting, look for a distinct, repetitive pattern of intentional malice or denial.

What gaslighting can involve, but is not:

Most people have experienced one or more behaviors commonly used as gaslighting tactics. Some of these forms of manipulation include:

• Bullying
• Shaming
• Intimidation
• Name-calling
• Emotional blackmail

Signs That You’re Being Gaslighted by Someone with NPD

It’s common for people to fail to recognize manipulative tactics like narcissistic gaslighting. Someone with NPD might be gaslighting you if:

• You’re second-guessing your decisions more and more
• You keep wondering if you’re being overly sensitive
• You feel unstable or like you’re losing your mind
• You unnecessarily apologize, often
• You find you’re increasingly unhappy  

Narcissistic gaslighting can make you feel like something is wrong, but you’re unable to put your finger on just what it is.

Common traits of gaslighters

A toxic person who gaslights might:

• Refuse to consider your thoughts or concerns
• Restructure past events to shift blame to you
• Insist you did things that you know you didn’t do
• Scoff when you share your side of the story
• Tell others about your state of mind, behavior, or feelings
  

A person with narcissistic personality disorder who’s gaslighting you might say you’re crazy, insensitive, or otherwise just flat out wrong when you try to express your needs or wants. 

Examples of “Narcissistic Gaslighting”

Narcissistic gaslighting examples can be subtle and difficult to recognize. It’s not the same thing as telling one lie, having a unique opinion, or accusing someone else of being wrong about something. It’s also important to note that someone who gaslights doesn’t necessarily have to know you personally.

At work

Sometimes coworkers can try to gaslight out of jealousy or anger about their (or your) position. For example, maybe you received a promotion and a coworker or your boss is angry about it. They may try to sabotage you in your new role, not giving you important information or messages. Maybe they move files you need or take documents you’re looking for. When you confront them, they might accuse you of being too stressed to be able to handle the position, or become angry in response, asking why you’d accuse them of such things. 

Maybe at this point you start to really question your own capability in your new role. In some cases, you might even be dealing with a “narcissistic boss.”

People in positions of power

People in power, like politicians, have been known to regularly gaslight the masses when they deny obvious recorded truths, such as authentic video recordings or testimony from multiple unbiased witnesses.

Sometimes these tactics can convince people that the politician did no wrong or that their behavior wasn’t really “that bad.”

Medical care

Some unethical doctors try to gaslight their patients by suggesting that health complaints are imagined or that pain is not as bad as they claim. They might go so far as to recommend counseling instead of other forms of medical treatment.

You might start to wonder if you truly do have the symptoms you’ve been explaining to your doctor. After all, doctors are the experts, the ones who went to school for years. You may think of course they know more about it than you do. 

In a relationship

You’re convinced your abusive partner may have been unfaithful, but when you ask them about the physical or emotional cheating, they either flat out lie, tell you you’re crazy, or become enraged at the accusation. 

You have evidence and you vehemently disagree with their reaction, but you still find that you’re second guessing yourself. You question your belief that they aren’t being true and honest in the relationship. Getting out of a relationship with someone who has uses gaslighting can be challenging, but it is possible. 

Why Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder Gaslights

People might gaslight others because of negative childhood experiences, a need to be in control, or due to a personality disorder like NPD. Regardless of the cause, all people who gaslight (not only those who show narcissistic behavior or with NPD) do so in effort to gain power. When narcissistic abusers or a gaslighter feels threatened, they feel a strong need for acceptance and support. They want others to believe their retelling of events to restore their sense of control.

Gaslighting can also be the result of someone believing that their account is more accurate than yours. By convincing you to question your memory of events, they can regain that sense of superior intellect.

“Gaslighting, historically, is used to establish dominance. This is a key feature of someone who struggles with narcissistic personality disorder because the security of their lens depends on the other party being wrong.”

Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Are gaslighters aware that they’re gaslighting?

Some gaslighters are aware of their behavior, and they may even work to improve their gaslighting skills. They might enjoy the sense of superiority they feel from making others doubt their sanity and correctness.

Others who gaslight might not be aware that they’re doing it. Yet, unknowingly, they may continue to gaslight because of the payoff they get: a boost to life, confidence, and superiority.

How to Deal with Gaslighting from Someone with NPD

If you believe or know you’re being gaslighted, there are steps you can take to regain emotional control. For instance, you can:

• Talk about the situation with trusted loved ones
• Find an online therapist to help you navigate your situation
• Take notes directly after an argument or heated conversation
• Learn how to set boundaries with a “narcissist” (this includes physical/emotional space)

Over time and unaddressed, narcissistic gaslighting can wear you down and make you numb. It can cause you to be agitated and feel out of touch with yourself and your goals.

It’s important that you make time to take care of yourself and be intentional about reclaiming the energy that narcissistic gaslighting has depleted. Hold on to your sense of self and your belief system.

When to Seek Help

Gaslighting for extended periods can decrease your sense of self-worth, cause anxiety and depression, and leave you unsure about the decisions you make. It can also cause a lot of loneliness if the gaslighter is your spouse or friend.

“When we start to question our safety or our livelihood, that is the time to get help from a licensed professional. For example, staying isolated from friends or family, workplaces, and/or schools out of fear for how the person with narcissistic personality disorder might react – that jeopardizes our safety and is a “red flag” to look out for.”

Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Healing from narcissistic abuse can be challenging, but getting support from a therapist or someone else can help you recognize and effectively deal with the situation and begin taking steps to improve it. A therapist can help you address any doubts about your self-worth, deal with painful emotions, understand that you did nothing to deserve the gaslighting, and discover healthy new ways of coping with and escaping the situation.

Of course, a therapist can also work with couples who want to improve their lives together and completely eliminate any gaslighting that’s happening.

Dealing with narcissistic gaslighting can be daunting and confusing, but you can successfully survive an abusive relationship, set up boundaries, and protect yourself from the narcissistic abuse you’ve experienced. Use the narcissistic gaslighting checklist here to figure out if you’re being gaslighted by someone with NPD or show narcissistic behavior. Rely on the support you have in your life so you can get rid of the toxicity you’ve been dealing with if you’re being gaslighted by someone with NPD. 

Sources:

1. Narcissistic personality disorder. Medlineplus.gov. https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/000934.htm. Published 2020. Accessed January 2, 2021.

2. Stinson F, Dawson D, Goldstein R et al. Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Narcissistic Personality Disorder. J Clin Psychiatry. 2008;69(7):1033-1045. doi:10.4088/jcp.v69n0701. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18557663/. Accessed January 2, 2021.

3. Mitra P, Fluyau D. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/. Published 2021. Accessed January 2, 2021.

What Boundaries Should I Have with Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The first step in setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder is understanding more about the disorder itself. 

Narcissistic personality disorder is defined as someone who doesn’t have empathy about how their behavior and actions affect the people in their life. They have an intense need for admiration and exhibit patterns of grandiosity. They often can’t accept responsibility and tend to dominate relationships in their life. 

NPD is a relatively common mental health condition in the United States, and it’s more prevalent in men than women. People with this disorder feel entitled to use people freely and openly in their life. You can feel empowered by learning how to respond to their demanding, intrusive, and controlling behavior by setting firm, standing boundaries. 

Narcissistic personality disorder and boundaries may seem impossible, but you can do it. Here are some boundaries you may want to put in place to protect yourself from a “narcissistic mother,” “narcissistic father,” or partner. 

It’s important to note, if you’re in a relationship (whether romantic or familial) with someone with narcissistic personality disorder and it’s become abusive or toxic, boundaries may not be enough. If you’re unsafe, you need to remove yourself from the relationship as soon as possible.  

Don’t let them talk to you any way they want

Someone with narcissistic personality disorder might try to use their words to hurt you. If you’re uncomfortable with how you’re being spoken to, you’re within your rights to say I need you to not talk to me this way.

“When dealing with a narcissist, you should be assertive with your boundaries and make it clear to them what those are. For example, if you are not okay with something they want you to do, tell them up front and hold your ground. Don’t let them pressure you into doing it anyway.”

Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC

Don’t let them treat you in a disrespectful or hurtful manner

Yes, words can be hurtful, but so can how someone treats you. Make sure you’re OK with how you’re being treated in a relationship, especially if it’s with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder. If you feel disrespected, hurt, or have been experiencing narcissistic gaslighting, let them know that you’re not OK with that.

Ask them not to share your personal information with others

Your personal information is yours. Somebody with NPD may try to use your personal experience and information against you. Be very clear about what you are and are not OK with them sharing.

Demand they respect your opinions and thoughts

Everybody deserves to have their opinions and thoughts heard. If you don’t feel respected, setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder can help you feel heard so you can feel more valued in the relationship.  

Insist that they listen when you say “no”

Setting boundaries will mean nothing if you don’t insist that they’re respected. If you firmly say no to something, be sure you’re heard. If you’re not being listened to, you should feel comfortable putting distance in the relationship. Your feelings are valid, important, and should be respected, especially when you’re openly and blatantly expressing what you’re against or don’t want.

Ask for your personal space when you need it

We all need space in life. It’s an important part of self-care. If you’re feeling suffocated or crowded, it’s OK for you to ask for some personal space. Take the time to do something for yourself that makes you feel good.

Make sure you’re OK with the physical and sexual aspects of the relationship

You should feel safe in every relationship in your life. This is true even (or perhaps especially) in relationships with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder. Feeling safe can be in terms of the physical relationship you have with someone, or it can be the sexual parts of your relationship. Either way, you deserve to be comfortable in every way and aspect. You should feel confident in expressing your needs and boundaries in these areas.

Ensure that your financial relationship is equitable and acceptable

Financial abuse is a difficult and not-often talked about component of many relationships. If you find yourself in a situation where somebody with NPD has financial control over you, whether they are a narcissistic family member or narcissistic spouse,  they may be using it as a power play. All financial relationships in your life should be based on equality and something that you’re comfortable with.

What to Expect When Setting Boundaries with Someone With Narcissistic Personality Disorder

You can and should feel confident setting boundaries in your relationships. That goes for any relationship of course, but it’s even more important when you’re in a relationship with someone with NPD or is showing narcissistic behavior. There are a few things to be aware of though.

Setting firm boundaries with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder may trigger them into cycling through their behavior. Be prepared for them to:

• Act like a victim
• Argue with you
• Blame you or make things seem like your fault
• Accuse you of being too sensitive
• Minimize your feelings
• Become angry

The bottom line, and what you must keep in mind, is that your boundaries need to be put in place. You’re taking care of yourself, and you deserve to have boundaries in place that protect you and make you feel safe and comfortable in your relationship.

“A narcissist is used to getting their way and will probably put pressure on you to do whatever they want you to. When you first start setting boundaries, there will be more push back from them. Over time, they’ll start to realize that you will not be so easily intimidated to go along with what they want.”

Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC

10 Ways to Set Boundaries with Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Some of the following tips might help you navigate the conversation and process of setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

Find a therapist to help you

Therapists are well-trained in guiding you in how to handle narcissistic personality disorder and boundaries. Through your sessions, you’ll work on feeling strong and confident, identify why you are attracted to a narcissistic person, and learn strategies on how to manage the relationship and tips for healing from narcissistic abuse. 

Decide what you are (and aren’t!) OK with 

The first step in setting boundaries with anybody is deciding what your limits are. It’s important for you to have a clear idea in your own mind about what is and isn’t acceptable. This will allow you to communicate things clearly to your narcissistic spouse or partner.

If it doesn’t feel right or healthy, leave

Trusting your gut is important when you’re learning how to set boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. The more you can learn to identify and trust when situations or conversations don’t feel right, the better you’ll be able to handle this difficult relationship

You don’t have to justify, defend, or explain why you need a specific boundary

Your boundaries are yours alone. You don’t need to defend or explain why you’re setting them to your narcissistic partner. It’s your life, and these are your decisions. If something doesn’t feel good, you’re not responsible for explaining anything more beyond that.

Practice how to avoid or redirect negative comments and questions

As they say, practice makes progress. Try role-playing with your therapist or someone you trust in your life. You can practice how to course correct or entirely avoid questions and comments that make you uncomfortable. Eventually, you’ll be able to identify when things might be heading toward a confrontational place. This skill can help you navigate your relationship with a person with narcissistic traits in real time. Remember: Narcissistic people love to talk about themselves — if you want to change the topic, try finding something they love to talk about. 

Remember the power of narcissistic personality disorder

One of the reasons why understanding narcissistic personality disorder and boundaries can be so challenging is that people with narcissistic behavior tend to hold power over others. Keep in mind just how powerful that grip can be. Especially if you’ve been in the relationship for a long time, their need to control you might have been normalized at some point. 

Don’t be afraid to be firm and blunt

Be firm, blunt, and very clear about what you need and expect. This is the strongest way that your boundaries will be taken seriously.

Don’t forget about the consequences

It’s important for you to communicate what the consequences will be if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries. This should be something you’ve clearly identified in your own mind, before you go into the conversation where you tell them things need to be different. Having a clear consequence sets the expectation from the beginning, and when you follow through, it gives you credibility. 

Don’t give anything more

It can be difficult, but setting your boundaries is just step one. Once you do that, you must be steadfast in your conviction. Resist the urge to continue giving to the relationship, especially if your boundaries are not being respected. When you’re constantly giving and getting nothing in return, it’s the perfect storm that can end in you being both vulnerable and wildly unhappy. You deserve as much as you give to the relationship. If you’re not getting what you need to return, stop giving.

“You should not let a narcissist know your vulnerabilities. They will only take advantage of that. If you tell them things about yourself that you don’t want others to know, they will most likely use it to their advantage and try to hurt or manipulate you because of it.”

Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC

Being in a relationship and knowing how to set boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder can be challenging. You can do it though, and once you see the difference in the relationship and how you feel, it’ll be more than worth the effort you put in to make the changes.

Sources:

1. Stinson F, Dawson D, Goldstein R et al. Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Narcissistic Personality Disorder. J Clin Psychiatry. 2008;69(7):1033-1045. doi:10.4088/jcp.v69n0701. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18557663/. Accessed December 20, 2021.

2. Mitra P, Fluyau D. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/. Published 2021. Accessed December 20, 2021.

Characteristics of a Father with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The term narcissism or narcissist is thrown around pretty frequently these days. The truth is, most of us exhibit at least one (or sometimes more) of the common traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder, but that doesn’t mean we’re all living with NPD.

As the name suggests, NPD is a personality disorder, and disorders, by definition, disrupt normal mental and physical functions. It’s important to keep this in mind because if your father is suffering from NPD, it can help to remember that his narcissistic behavior, though it may be frustrating and confusing, isn’t his choice. 

While it’s not uncommon for people to use the term “narcissist” in an argument, it really isn’t a term that should be used lightly. If you’re searching for tips on how to deal with a father with narcissistic personality disorder, then first be sure that your diagnosis is valid.There’s an integral difference between someone who suffers from NPD and someone who simply has extra high self-regard.  

However, a person with a genuine narcissistic personality disorder will exhibit self-love that’s morphed into something more; a preoccupation with themself, with little to no regard for anyone else’s feelings or emotions. 

Signs of a father with narcissistic personality disorder

There are several traits a father with narcissistic personality disorder might exhibit, including:

• A pervasive pattern of grandiose behavior or fantasies
• Reacting to criticism with shame, rage, or humiliation
• Constant need for extreme attention
• Unrealistic need for admiration & appreciation
• Being overly envious to the point of anger
• Showing signs of being preoccupied with success or power
• Disregard of others’ personal boundaries
• Self-admiration to the point of arrogance
• Blatant lack of empathy for others
• False sense of entitlement

In general, people with narcissistic personality disorder aren’t overly concerned about you. They are more likely to focus on what you can do for them and the fastest way they can get you to do it.

How to Cope with a Father with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Living with a father with narcissistic personality disorder can be challenging, but there are several ways you can cope to try and maintain a healthy relationship.

Get a good therapist

A professional family counselor or mental health professional can help you and your father understand the impact his NPD is having on your relationship. Therapy can help you alone, or it can be something you might try doing together. The ultimate goal of therapy would be to understand how your father’s negative narcissistic behavior affects you. You’ll also focus on how to reduce the power and impact he has on you and your life.

Learn acceptance

Your mother or father’s constant need for attention and arrogance can be difficult. That much is a given. It’s understandable (and valid) for you to feel overwhelmed, tired, confused, and probably even a bit angry or hurt at times. However, it can be very beneficial for you to begin to accept who your father is and what his disorder means in your life. 

Create an image of him as a loving but challenging friend in your life. By learning to accept his behavior and his narcissistic gaslighting tendencies, you can begin to let go of some of the pain, resentment, or anger you may have been building up.

Don’t tolerate abuse

A father with NPD might have a constant need for ego-stroking. Beyond that, he may also eventually become abusive. This is never tolerable in any type of relationship, for any reason.

If your father, with or without narcissistic personality disorder, is abusive or toxic, you have every right to protect yourself and get out of the situation. Set healthy relationship boundaries, take care and use caution around anyone who exhibits a violent or narcissistic tendency, even if it’s your dad. We all have a right for peace and safety in our life, and you deserve healing from narcissistic abuse.

Impacts on a Child with A Father with NPD

Fathers with narcissistic personality disorder can have a significant impact on their children. The effects can vary with daughters versus sons, though.

Impacts on a daughter

Daughters with fathers who have NPD often state that their dads were never able to give them what they needed growing up. They commonly feel their relationship is unfulfilled. It’s also normal for them to recall having to compete with their siblings to get any parenting time or affection from their narcissistic fathers at all.

Some adult daughters say the toxic relationship still has a profound impact on their life. Many feel constantly vulnerable and always under pressure to do better, even as adults. People who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder are often perfectionists, and fathers can make their adult child, especially daughters, feel insecure and inadequate, unable to and undeserving of receiving love.

Impacts on a son

Boys who grow up with fathers who have narcissistic personality disorder may feel like they never measure up. Sometimes fathers can become competitive with their sons. They might go so far as to intentionally win at any cost against their sons, even at the smallest games. Further, they’ll likely relish the victory to the point of being extreme and inappropriate.

Sons with fathers that exhibit narcissistic behavior may feel defeated, as if they’ll never be able to live up to or outperform dad in any way. If they do succeed, it might be marginal and the victory can be downplayed by the father, making the son continue feeling second-rate.

Of course, every child — even those in a healthy relationship — has unique dynamics with their father. There’s a commonality, however, in the NPD father’s inability to empathize with or even show basic concern for his children. 

“A narcissistic father figure can negatively impact one’s self esteem and overall internal value system which can be the driving forces within relationships throughout life. As a result, one might experience a two fold emotional response of never measuring up, while also feeling beholden to shame or guilt. Talking with a therapist can be a supportive way to process these experiences and move forward.”

Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

How to Recover From the Effects of a Father with NPD

There can be a lot of work involved in the process of recovering from the effects of being raised by a father with NPD or a narcissistic trait. Adult children of fathers with narcissistic personality disorder can benefit from the following.

Learn more to understand him

Learn as much as you can about what narcissistic personality disorder is, how it can affect parenting, and the possible impacts it can have on children. Awareness is key to healing. Continue to enhance your psychoeducation about NPD, as it will likely help you start to make sense of your childhood.

Seek help

Working with an online therapist can help you remember and come to terms with your past. A therapist skilled in the area of narcissistic personality disorder can teach you various methods for coping and managing the relationship. You’ll learn to understand about certain developmental milestones you may have missed out on as a child — like dating, getting a job, or getting your driver’s license — and learn how they may still be affecting you.

“I always encourage taking time to grieve in order to heal from living with a parent we experienced to be toxic in some way. It can feel foreign to learn about proper boundaries and positive communication, but over time, with the right support, one can instill a positive self esteem and experience healthy relationships. Aligning with a clinician or therapist can help you identify negative thought patterns while helping you learn to navigate in a more positive light.”

Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

Self-improvement

Focus your attention on recovery and healing. Begin developing a stable sense of self. For most adult children of NPD parents, healing depends heavily on finding a deeper self-connection. It’s important to learn to love yourself for who you are and not who you think others expect you to be. Your therapist can also help you learn how to cultivate more stability and cohesiveness in your life.

NPD can feel unfair. You may have a lot of resentment, but by understanding the signs of a father with narcissistic personality disorder, you can learn how to manage the relationship. The good news is: you are strong enough to overcome the pain NPD causes. You can have a happy, fulfilling, and rewarding life full of love and healthy, non-codependent relationships. You just need to take the time to learn how to deal with a father with narcissistic personality disorder so you can move past the disorder. 

Sources

1. Mitra P, Fluyau D. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/  Published 2021. Accessed December 23, 2021.

2. Narcissistic personality disorder. Medlineplus.gov. https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/000934.htm. Published 2020. Accessed December 23, 2021.

3. Caligor E, Levy K, Yeomans F. Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic and Clinical Challenges. American Journal of Psychiatry. 2015;172(5):415-422. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.2014.14060723. https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.ajp.2014.14060723#B11. Accessed December 23, 2021.

Characteristics of a Mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

It’s very important to not just assume that someone has narcissistic personality disorder. Many people exhibit a narcissistic trait on occasion, but that’s not enough for a diagnosis. Clinical assessment is needed to accurately diagnose and identify narcissistic personality disorder.

It’s also important to note that narcissistic personality disorder is relatively rare. It’s estimated that roughly 0.5% of the population in the United States might have NPD. Although NPD isn’t as common as some other mental health conditions, the possibility of growing up in a home with a narcissistic parent isn’t unheard of. 

Generally, personality disorders cause someone to behave, feel, and think in ways that are harmful to themselves and others. Distinguishing if NPD is present in a parent can be tricky, even for adult children. 

A mother with narcissistic personality disorder traits may:

• Show you no empathy
• Be verbally aggressive
• Feel the need to control your family
• Be centered on herself
• Create toxic environments 
• Be jealous of you and your achievements 
• Influence the relationship you have with your father or family member
• Act as though you are an extension of her
• Disrespect your personal space and boundaries
• Infantilize you and try to control anyone they perceive as a threat to your mother-child relationship (in particular, a future life partner) 
• Compare you to your brothers, sisters, and peers
• Minimize the legitimacy of your feelings, or invalidate them completely with narcissistic gaslighting

If you know or suspect that your mother has NPD, the most important part of your healing is understanding that you don’t deserve the toxic relationship you’re dealing with. It’s not your fault, and happiness and healing are both very possible once you’re ready.

How to Cope with a Mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

We all deal with and heal from traumatic events differently. There isn’t only one way to overcome being raised by a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. That said, there are several techniques you can utilize to begin the healing process.

Online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and online dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) are both excellent therapy methods that help many people deal with the effects of having been raised by a toxic parent with NPD. These therapies are gentle, yet strong and effective. They can help you process your way through any childhood wounds by:

• Helping you identify past trauma
• Guiding you in isolating negative thought processes 
• Showing you how to replace unhealthy thought patterns with healthier, more positive ones
• Teaching you new coping skills
• Exploring the power of forgiveness
• Giving you new communication skills
• Stressing the importance of mindfulness

A skilled therapist can work with your inner child to heal lingering wounds that you might not have ever been able to effectively deal with.

Some of the ways you can take action and begin healing include: 

• Acknowledging that your mother’s actions harmed you
• Letting your feelings out
• Connecting with supportive people
• Working with good mentors
• Practicing self-care and learning to love yourself
• Establishing new healthy relationship boundaries with your mother
• Learning to genuinely forgive

“Learning to navigate and cope with a parent with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or characteristics of NPD is difficult, as it manifests in different ways. However, the impact to the children seems to be similar, as many struggle with creating healthy boundaries and self-esteem/confidence issues. Oftentimes, it forces children to parent themselves.”

Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

The Impacts of a Mother Who Has Narcissistic Personality Disorder

There are several possible impacts being raised by a mother with NPD can have on children. Some of the most commonly noted are children feeling unseen and unheard. When a parent has NPD, children are often treated as objects instead of human beings. It’s normal for children to only feel valued for what they do for the parent, rather than who they are.

Impacts on a daughter

Having a mother with narcissistic personality disorder typically affects daughters differently than it does sons. It’s not uncommon for the daughter of a mother with NPD to eventually end up:

• Constantly trying to please others
• Believing that love is conditional by nature
• Either avoiding or chasing romance in adulthood
• Thinking abuse is normal in relationships
• Developing another possible mental health disorder

Daughters raised by mothers with NPD can end up feeling trapped and suffocated. In many cases, if the daughter tries to move away or seek attention elsewhere, the mother will act out as if she were severely and intentionally rejected. It’s also normal for daughters to be subjected to inappropriate emotional and sexual details of their mother’s adult relationships. Finally, mothers with NPD tend to exhibit feelings of jealousy toward their daughters.  

Impacts on a son

Mothers with NPD can use their sons to make them shine brighter in public and at home. Boys who are raised by mothers with NPD can develop doubts about their self-worth and capacity to make intelligent decisions. They may also experience difficulties maintaining adult romantic relationships with women. Sons of mothers with NPD might feel: 

• Inadequate or put down 
• As if they’re a pawn in the dynamics of the mother-father relationship
• Like they can never measure up to their father (after being compared to him by their mother)
• Compared to their father, often in an attempt by the mother to make the father feel inferior

How to Recover from the Effects of Having a Mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Whether you are dealing with a narcissistic father or mother, healing from narcissistic abuse takes time and patience. Regardless of how you may feel today about your past or current relationship with your mother, whether she has NPD or not, your experience is legitimate. You need to know that it’s fully possible to recover from the effects of having been raised by a mother with narcissistic personality disorder.

Learn More to Understand Her

When you understand why your mother behaves the way she does, you might find that you begin to hurt less and function better. Take some time to educate yourself about what narcissism actually is. Learn about the common misconceptions about NPD. 

Step back in your mind and consciously identify the narcissistic abuse that you suffered as a result of your mother’s NPD. Understand how she affected your thoughts, views, and beliefs.

Learn about the various ways narcissism presents itself in parenting, and ask yourself what your mother must have been experiencing.

Seek Help

Recovering from being raised by a mother with NPD takes time, but it can be rewarding and restoring. Therapy will teach you that your past does not define you today. Healing will happen, allowing your self-esteem to flourish, your feelings of safety and well-being to blossom, and your confidence to rise like never before. Getting the help you need is the easy part. You just need to take that first step and reach out to an online therapist or other mental health professional who can guide you in healing. 

“Working with a mental health professional who has experience in this area is incredibly important. Learning to build healthier boundaries and recognizing the hurt that was caused will help you move forward from the influences of a parent with NPD.”

Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

Learning how to cope with a childhood affected by maternal narcissistic personality disorder has a lot to do with forgiveness. Understanding the signs of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder is the first step you can take towards your healing. Whatever the situation was in the past, trust that today is your day to move forward to a brighter, happier future.

Sources:

1. Stinson F, Dawson D, Goldstein R et al. Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Narcissistic Personality Disorder. J Clin Psychiatry. 2008;69(7):1033-1045. doi:10.4088/jcp.v69n0701. https://www.psychiatrist.com/jcp/medical/comorbidity/prevalence-correlates-disability-comorbidity-dsm-iv-narcissistic-personality-disorder-wave-2-nesarc/. Accessed January 5, 2022.

2. Ambardar, MD S. Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Practice Essentials, Background, Pathophysiology and Etiology. Emedicine.medscape.com. https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1519417-overview#a5. Published 2018. Accessed January 5, 2022.

Narcissistic Behaviors You May Face

There are a number of classic narcissistic traits and behaviors that are typical of anybody with NPD. You may see your spouse display some of the following behaviors.

• They’re often resistant to changing how they behave, even when it’s largely a part of the issues they experience in their life as a result. 
• They’ll blame everyone around them for anything difficult that happens. 
• They’re generally very sensitive to even constructive criticism or perceived criticism. 

Someone who has been diagnosed with NPD may see any type of disagreement, fight, or tense situation as a personal attack against them. Some of the most common behaviors associated with narcissistic personality disorder include:

Manipulative behavior

People with narcissistic personality disorder are extremely manipulative. They’re concerned with getting their way, regardless of the cost or who they may hurt.

Lack of empathy

They lack empathy. It’s hard for them to understand that the behavior they’re displaying is hurting others. 

Intense focus on winning

Individuals who exhibit NPD are often so concerned with winning, they can be willing to put their partner in a vulnerable position. This is especially true if they feel like their partner is trying to reason or disagree with them. 

Wildly exaggerated or grandiose sense of self-importance

This is more than simply being arrogant or vain. Their grandiose feelings are both unrealistic and unattainable. People who exhibit NPD  believe they’re too good, too special for anything they perceive as average. They think they can only be truly understood by others who are special like them.

Tendency to live in a fantasy world of delusions

A person who has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder will live in somewhat of a fantasy world. Because their feelings of self-importance aren’t based on reality, they support their self-view with almost a magical sense of thinking. Their disordered sense of reality is based on self-deception. They often show extreme defensiveness and rage towards anyone who challenges them. Note that this is a protective stance they take to protect their unrealistic view of their world and how they are perceived in it. 

Overwhelming sense of entitlement

They often feel like they should get whatever they want, regardless of what their demands are. Additionally, they have high expectations that those around them will reward them. If they’re denied anything, their immediate reaction may be outrage. 

Craving near-constant admiration and complementary praise

People who exhibit NPD often feel they are lacking enough admiration, praise, and reward and seek it out regularly. They surround themselves with people who are able to give it to them. Relationships tend to be one-sided, with the person who exhibits NPD craves and demands attention, while struggling to give it in return.

Often intimidates and bullies others

As a defense mechanism, persons who exhibit NPD put others down or  intimidate people around them. It’s a maladaptive way to create a sense of power. They struggle with understanding and executing healthy interactions, and often feel threatened by what they perceive to be challenges of their authority or sense of self-importance. To counteract the perceived threat, individuals who exhibit NPD, often attack, bully, name-call, and threaten.

Exploits others around them (without shame, guilt, or remorse)

As a result of a deep lack of empathy, persons who exhibit NPD aren’t able to identify with the feelings of the people around them. They may use people to their advantage without intentionally knowing it. They are often unaware of how detrimental their behavior can be 

Which Type of Narcissist Are You Divorcing?

Educating yourself on narcissistic personality disorder can help you prepare for what you may encounter during the stages of divorce and after. Understanding how the mind of someone with NPD  works, and the behaviors that they’ll engage in to try to manage and control the situation, can allow you to navigate the process in the most healthy ways possible. Step one in learning how to divorce someone who exhibits NPD  is understanding what behaviors and personality style are most prevalent.

The grandiose narcissist: 

Someone who exhibits grandiose narcissism believes they’re very important or that they have a very high status. They’re usually overly concerned with appearance and how things look. They won’t accept being talked down to or disagreed with. Self-image and prestige are paramount.

Through the divorce process they may likely perceive many of your typical actions as being extremely insulting.

The vulnerable narcissist:

Person’s who exhibit traits of vulnerable narcissism often have low self-esteem and a staggeringly low self-image. They’ll try to make you feel guilty and may  try to manipulate you into changing any position or stance that differs from their own. This will become especially obvious as your intentions to leave become more clear. 

Within the divorce process , they may try to make you feel bad or guilty about hurting them. Keeping in mind that this is part of something they struggle with will help you stay on track with moving forward with actions that feel healthy to you.

What You Can Expect

A divorce can be messy and taxing, but understanding the response you’ll likely receive as you begin the process can help you prepare. 

Rage

People who struggle with NPD tend to react with rage to what’s referred to as narcissistic injury. This is in response to any perceived threat to their self-worth. Any time they feel that their true self might be exposed, a common response is rage. 

Rashness

By confronting issues in your marriage and moving forward with a divorce, your partner’s self-esteem may feel  threatened. Their response may be swift, drastic and harsh. 

Vengefulness

Individuals with NPD often become very upset and even enraged if they believe they’re being taken advantage of, manipulated, or insulted. If they feel they are being manipulated or taken advantage of, they may become angry and want to retaliate.

Tips For Learning How to Negotiate With a Narcissist 

There’s no quick and easy trick to negotiating or learning how to divorce someone who exhibits narcisissm. Try not to expect that someone who struggles with narcissism will be able to empathize or think in the same way that you do. 

• Go in prepared. Disagreements will be difficult, and the reality is, you may need to simply end a conversation if it starts to turn violent or aggressive.
• You’ll need to establish boundaries very early on. Be excruciatingly clear about your position. Every time your partner begins to disagree or argue, or if you feel the familiar manipulation strategies starting to come into play, restate your position calmly and clearly. You can remind them that you will not argue with them. If erratic, angry, manipulative behavior continues, it’s OK for you to end the conversation and walk away.  

Getting Support With Divorce Counseling

Divorce therapy can help as you’re learning how to cope with divorce. Moreso, it can be especially helpful as you learn how to approach all the difficult conversations surrounding separation or divorce with a spouse who exhibits NPD. .

Thus, working with a skilled therapist can be very effective. Since people who struggle with narcissism are practiced and often leverage manipulation and bullying, their toxic behavior can feel confusing when you’re arguing or fighting with them.

The right therapist can help you: 

• Establish boundaries so you can better understand and identify the ways your partner is trying to manipulate you.
• Understand how to negotiate some of the insults you’ll likely be hearing.
• Separate reality from lies and manipulation to avoid post-divorce depression.

Define your own position before you present it to your partner. Since they are so skilled at confusing the point or manipulating an argument to gain the upper hand, a good therapist can help you dissect and clarify all the points. This way, you feel stronger and more confident going into the discussions.

Sources:

1. Smith, M.A. M, Robinson L. Narcissistic Personality Disorder – HelpGuide.org. HelpGuide.org. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm. Published 2020. Accessed September 13, 2021.

2. Mitra P, Fluyau D. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/. Published 2021. Accessed September 4, 2021.

3. Berger, MD F, Zieve, MD, MHA D. Narcissistic personality disorder: MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia. Medlineplus.gov. https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/000934.htm. Published 2020. Accessed September 4, 2021.

What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder?

The symptoms of bipolar disorder can also vary. So, you might be wondering how to know if you are bipolar. The disorder is largely defined as one that has fluctuating periods of mania (where you feel extreme highs) and depression (where your mood can shift to deep lows). Not everyone will experience depression, however, and the type of bipolar diagnosis (bipolar I or bipolar II) can impact the type and severity of episodes. 

• To be diagnosed with bipolar I, only manic episodes need to be experienced.

• To be diagnosed with bipolar II, depressive episodes can be present, and a less intense mania, known as hypomania, is often experienced. 

There are a few significant differences between bipolar vs. borderline personality disorder. First,  bipolar disorder mood swings aren’t triggered by interpersonal conflict. In bipolar relationships, this is a common occurrence that can be challenging for a partner to experience. Another difference is that while BPD episodes can last minutes to hours, bipolar mood swings (either high or low) can last for several days to even a few weeks or months. They usually include noticeable changes in energy levels, sleep, and how you talk and think. 

Other symptoms can depend on whether a mood change is a manic or depressive episode. 

During a manic episode, manic symptoms of bipolar disorder can include:

• Racing thoughts
• Extreme moods — angry, happy, or irritated
• Intense sense of optimism or an amplified sense of self confidence
• Talking very fast, and a lot
• Increased mental energy
• Increased physical energy
• Making very big plans or having grandiose ideas
• Showing poor judgement
• Risk taking
• Feeling like you need (and getting) less sleep, but not always feeling exhausted as a result
• Being very impulsive and reckless about spending money, sex, substance abuse, etc.

During a depressive episode, depressive symptoms of bipolar disorder can include:

• Long-lasting sadness
• A severe and noticeable drop in energy
• Worry (founded or not)
• Anxiety (founded or not)
• Having less energy
• Being less active
• Change in appetite patterns
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Loss of interest in activities you once loved
• Suicidal thoughts
• Restlessness
• Change in sleep habits
• Constant fatigue
• Feelings of guilt
• Irritability

With all of these symptoms, you may be wondering how to identify bipolar disorder from depression as well. Learn more about the key differences between bipolar disorder vs depression.

“Bipolar disorder, literally meaning, ‘two poles,’ incorporates both mania and depression. Mania, described as a rush of energy, typically lasts for several days. Depression, described as an all-encompassing feeling of dread, can last several weeks as part of bipolar disorder or act as a stand alone diagnosis and always be present to a certain degree.”

Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Treatment for borderline personality disorder

BPD can be treated using therapy and some types of medications for specific symptoms, like anxiety and depression. Psychotherapy is commonly suggested. Many people find that group therapy or one-on-one talk therapy is particularly effective. Generally, there are two forms of therapy often suggested for treating BPD. 

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) — CBT is often helpful in helping someone recognize behaviors and beliefs that create their perception of the world. It can also help change some of those behaviors and beliefs. 

Many people credit CBT with helping them learn how to manage their anxiety and reduce some of the mood-related symptoms (like anxiety and an inclination for self-harm) that are associated with BPD.

• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) — DBT is a form of therapy designed specifically for people who have a borderline personality disorder. The concept includes a focus on acceptance and being aware of your existing emotional state and the environment you’re in at any given moment. Like cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy can help those with BPD overcome an urge for self-harm and improve relationships while controlling emotions.

“The focus of both a CBT and a DBT approach in working with individuals who struggle with Borderline PD, is on their relationship with others. We spend a lot of time challenging the dysfunctional beliefs and perspectives that often lead to a push and/or pull dynamic with others. Rejecting others prematurely out of fear that they reject us first is problematic in that it can lead to isolation.” 

Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Treatment for bipolar disorder

Treatment for bipolar disorder often includes a combination of medication, therapy and specific lifestyle changes. 

• Psychotherapy — The right form of therapy (like CBT) can help you learn how to manage bipolar disorder. Therapy has also proven effective in helping treat other symptoms associated with bipolar disorder like substance abuse, stress, and anxiety.  

• Medication — Certain mood stabilizers can be beneficial during both manic and depressive episodes. Antipsychotics, anticonvulsants, and others might be options. 

• Self-management — Learning to recognize the behaviors and early signs of the highs and lows associated with bipolar disorder is critical. It can help you better manage bouts of mania or depression. If you feel yourself starting to exhibit either side of the disorder, you should reach out to your healthcare provider or therapist as soon as possible. Together, you can discuss the best possible path forward, whether it be a change in medication,  therapy, or both. 

• Additional approaches — Self-care is critical for everyone. Eating and sleeping well, and taking care of yourself physically and exercising can help enhance aspects of your mental health and well-being. 

“Bipolar disorder typically responds well to a combination of all different types of modalities. It requires each individual to explore what works best for them, but making sure to include modalities specific to depression as well as specific to mania. For example, we can therapeutically challenge beliefs and perspectives that lead to depression in the same way that we can use medications to decrease the levels of intensity of mania.”

Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

How to Get Help for BPD or Bipolar Disorder

Getting help so you can understand borderline personality disorder vs. bipolar disorder is possible. You can reach out to friends and family for support, and find a licensed therapist who can treat either disorder. Your healthcare provider and therapist can help you feel better and live the fullest life possible. 

Still not sure if you may have borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder? You can learn more by taking our bpd test or bipolar test.