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Understanding the Cycle of Abuse

Tue, 11 Feb 2020 15:00:55 +0000

No matter a person’s age, sexual orientation, race, gender, or religion — anyone can be a victim, or a perpetrator, of abuse. Domestic violence, also referred to as intimate partner violence, domestic abuse, or relationship abuse, does not discriminate and impacts people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. It occurs when a partner uses a pattern of behavior to maintain power and control over another partner in a relationship. And while there are many signs to help a person identify if they are experiencing abuse, it is important to determine whether the issue is a part of a larger cycle of abusive behavior.

What is The Cycle of Abuse?

The cycle of abuse is defined by the ways in which an abusive partner keeps a target in a relationship, spanning subtle behaviors as well as physical, visible violence. There is a simple tool that describes what occurs in an abusive relationship — it is known as the Power and Control Wheel, and breaks down this abusive pattern into four phases:

Tension building
Incident
Reconciliation
Calm

According to Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, the four phases entail:

1. Tension Building

This phase can last anywhere from minutes to weeks. In it, stress builds, and abusers may begin to feel wronged, ignored, or neglected. They may accuse, yell, demand and/or have unrealistic expectations, while the target feels they have to walk on eggshells, are afraid, and become anxious. Targets are likely already familiar with the cycle and believe making a small mistake will make the partner angry, so instead they opt to stay quiet or not do something. No matter what is said or done, however, it seems like the target is never right, and a small incident can create a difficult situation in seconds.

2. Incident

At this stage, the target says or does something the abuser feels upset about or threatened by, and the abuser attempts to dominate the target through verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. Targets may keep the incident a secret and not share what happened with others. In some cases, a target of abuse can end up in the hospital and may even lie to the medical personnel about the cause of their injuries.

3. Reconciliation

At this point, the abuser might feel remorse or fear and try to initiate a reconciliation — this can entail them buying flowers, gifts, taking the target out for dinner or suggesting a nice vacation. They often promise it will be the last time the abuse happens. The target experiences pain, humiliation, disrespect, and fear, and may be staying for financial reasons or because children are involved. The perpetrator stresses that they did not want to do what they did, but the target made them because of their lack of understanding, wrong behavior, or because “they do not listen.”

4. Calm

Also known as the honeymoon stage, an abuser is kind, calm, and interested and may engage in counseling, as well as asking for forgiveness. The target may believe the abuser has changed and accept the apology. A perpetrator then starts to find little flaws or behaviors that they criticize in a passive aggressive way and apologies become less sincere over time. Little by little the same behaviors begins to reappear and the cycle again returns to the tension building phase.

How to End The Cycle of Abuse

It is not always easy for a person to know they are in an abusive relationship, as an abuser may disguise their behavior or character the early stages of a relationship. Often, controlling and possessive behaviors do not rear their ugly heads until the bonds of a relationship grow tight.

While every relationship is different, most abusive relationships have one aspect in common: an abusive partner takes action to have more power and control over their partner.

Understanding the Power and Control Wheel, however, and how a cycle of abuse works, can help a person determine if they are caught in an abusive relationship. Additionally, learning about community resources and seeking guidance and assistance from a mental health professional can also make it easier to leave a relationship when an abused person is ready to do so.

“The best way to end the cycle of abuse is through psychoeducation and with the help of a mental health professional,” Catchings said. “It takes an individual up to 12 times to leave for good. It is also known that the first times a target leaves is mostly to test the waters and see if they can survive. Learning about what it is like to escape and plan to survive alone is what might create the constant in-and-out in an abusive relationship as well.”

How Therapy Helps Address a Cycle of Abuse

Therapy provides a victim with a place to vent, receive support, heal and forgive — all necessary aspects to end the cycle of abuse. Therapy can help educate a target about the patterns of abusive behavior, as well as explore possible early trauma that may contribute to the unhealthy relationship expectations.
If you believe something is not right in your relationship, and may not be able to to confront the situation on your own, therapy can help. While a partner’s control may prevent one from seeking in-person care, online therapy can be a great option for privacy and safety. For immediate support, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, — and if you are in an emergency situation, please call 911.

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Domestic Violence: What You Need to Know

Mon, 10 Feb 2020 15:00:00 +0000

Domestic violence is a serious, life-threatening form of abuse perpetuated by intimate partners. While men are more likely to perpetuate domestic violence, it’s important to remember that they can be victims, too; 29% of women and 10% of men in the United States have been raped, abused, or stalked by their partner, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Physical violence is the most visible form of domestic abuse, but the definition includes any attempt to control one’s intimate partner, including emotional abuse, manipulation, cyberstalking, blackmailing, or financial abuse. The ultimate aim of any abuser is to wrest control and independence from their significant other — so just because your partner isn’t outwardly violent doesn’t mean they’re not abusive.

When you’re in an abusive relationship, it can be difficult to recognize the signs. Many abusers are skilled manipulators, making it all too easy to dismiss their actions as rare, regrettable accidents. “Love bombing,” which involves overwhelming one’s partner with shows of affection and adoration — like sending enormous bouquets of flowers after a violent incident —is a common tactic. Abusers may promise to seek counseling, swear they’ll never hurt you again or cry and sob. Remember: just because they’re regretful doesn’t mean they’re not abusers.

Domestic Violence Warning Signs

If you suspect you, a friend, or a loved one is experiencing domestic violence, it’s important to get help as quickly as possible.

Here are some warning signs to look out for:

Emotional abuse: Your partner may mock your interests and hobbies; demean, shame or insult you; or say that you’re worthless or incompetent.
Jealousy: They might demand your phone or computer password, access to your financial records, prevent you from seeing your friends and family, or control what you wear and do.
Stalking: They might track your phone, follow your car, or show up to your work or house when not wanted.
Financial control: Your partner might take your money, demand control of a shared bank account, or unreasonably criticize your spending.
Intimidation: They may enjoy frightening you or frequently stare at you in chilling ways.
Sexual control: They might demand sex, even when you’re not interested; pressure you to participate in sexual activities outside of your comfort zone; or withhold sex to get what they want.
Physical abuse: Your partner might hit you, injure you, or threaten you with knives, guns or other weapons.

Domestic violence can also include manipulating your children or holding your pets hostage. Whatever form abuse takes, it is important to act immediately: 15% of women and 4% of men have been physically hurt because of domestic violence.

Signs a Friend Is Experiencing Domestic Violence

When you’re not privy to the intimate details of a relationship, you may miss more obvious signs like physical abuse or financial control. Few abusers will do so in public, and those that are being abused may prefer to hide their distress in favor of saving face.

It’s important to know the subtler signs of domestic violence so you can help friends who’ve found themselves in a bad situation, before things get worse.

Here’s what you should keep an eye out for:

Subtle jabs: While their partner may not all-out insult them in public, watch for less-obvious insults and criticisms. Do they get ribbed for minor mistakes? Is their partner always eyeing their food intake? These can be signs of emotional abuse.
Walking on eggshells: Are they at ease around their partners, or are they always watching their words? Victims often believe they’re the reason for their partner’s anger — so they may temper their words to avoid setting them off.
Constant excuses: When their partner skips to an event or shows up irritable, victims may quickly excuse their poor behavior. “He’s distracted by work or family problems,” or “She didn’t mean for you to take offense — she’s just bad with words.” Because they don’t want anyone to see the truth of their situation, they’re more inclined to lie.
Possessiveness: While it might be blown off as a joke in public, keep an eye out for excessive possessiveness or jealousy. Do they act weird when their partner talks to a friend of the gender they’re attracted to? Do they encourage them to skip social events, or peer over their shoulder every time they get a text? These could all be signs of control.
Constant bruises and injuries: Yes, people really do walk into door knobs or smack their shoulder on shelves —but every week? If your friend frequently has new bruises and uses the same tired excuses to explain them away, it’s time for a deeper look.
Disappearing acts: Were they a constant presence before they got into a relationship —and now seeing them out and about is a rare sight indeed? While it’s not uncommon for new lovebirds to get wrapped up in a relationship, dropping off the map for months or years at a time might be a sign that their new partner is exerting excessive control.
Personality changes: Watch out for withdrawal or new anxieties. Many victims hide their abuse from themselves, too — so they might instead react at an emotional level. If a friend is suddenly more withdrawn, consider asking about their relationship.

What to Do If You (Or a Friend) Are Being Abused

Admitting that your partner is a perpetrator of domestic violence can be scary. Abuse doesn’t eradicate love — and the idea of leaving them can be just as frightening as staying. Taking that first step is hard, and it’s okay if it takes you time to work up the courage. Gathering a go-bag can be a good first step. Fill it with important documents, like your passport, birth certificate and Social Security card, as well as cash and emergency supplies, such as toothpaste and a few changes of clothes. That way, once you decide to leave, you’ll be prepared.

One quick caveat: If you’re in immediate danger, call 911. Emergency responders can get you to safety quickly. Three women die every day because of domestic violence — so it’s important to recognize when leaving is essential.

Otherwise, consider calling with the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-788-SAFE). They’ll direct you to local resources and women’s shelters who can help you make a clean break from your abusive partner. In addition, hotline workers will help you develop a safety plan, or steps that can keep you safe before you’re prepared to leave an abusive relationship, like teaching children how to reach out for help if you’re being abused and can’t do it yourself.

WomensLaw.org offers a number of resources for victims, including free legal advice. (Despite their name, their help isn’t limited to women —it’s open to all victims of abuse, no matter the gender.)

Unfortunately, if you suspect your friend is being abused, you can’t force them to seek help. All you can do is be a good friend. Listen when they’re willing to talk and let them know you’re always a resource if they do decide to leave.

Keep in mind, though, that they may be resistant to implications that their significant other is an abuser, so tread carefully. A good rule of thumb, is to match the language they use while talking about their experience. They may not be ready to use certain language — terms like abuse, rape, or manipulation — just yet, when referring to their current situation. As a friend, your main job is to let them know they have someone if they are ready to leave, but they often need to come to that conclusion on their own.

Whether you’re being abused, or have a friend who is being abused, a qualified and licensed mental health counselor can help you assess your options and work through the emotional difficulties that surround fraught relationships.

Additional Resources for Domestic Violence

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Rape is an Economic Crime: The Case for Mental Health Restitution

Mon, 27 Jan 2020 15:30:59 +0000

On TV, the plot looks something like this: a woman is raped or abused. She is a sympathetic character, traumatized yet brave. She reports the crime to the police, who perform a detailed forensic investigation and arrest the perpetrator. A trial ensues, and the survivor steps forward to tell her story. She wins over the jury, and the perpetrator is sentenced to years in jail.

Sometimes, life comes close to this narrative. In 2016, for example, the survivor of the Stanford rape case authored a powerful victim impact statement that captured the country’s attention and, undoubtedly, helped ensure jailtime for the perpetrator.

But most of the time, for most survivors, reality looks quite different than Law and Order, SVU. The vast majority — 69% — of sexual assaults go unreported to the police, and only 0.7% of all sexual assaults result in a conviction.

Meanwhile, the effects of an assault linger, with three-quarters of sexual assault survivors reporting substantial ensuing problems in school or work, and with friends or family. Survivors of sexual violence are more likely to be diagnosed with anxiety disorders, depression, eating disorders, and PTSD. This is particularly serious for young women: Up to 80% of teenage girls who are sexually assaulted experience destabilizing psychological effects.

“When a victim is victimized so many parts of their life fall apart,” says Colby Bruno, Senior Legal Counsel at the Victims Rights Law Center, a Boston-based legal nonprofit that serves survivors of sexual assault.

How do we solve this mismatch between the scope of the problem of sexual assault, and the criminal justice system’s ability to truly bring justice?

Justice Goes Beyond Jails

Some legal experts, like Bruno, argue that ramped up enforcement would go a long way to reduce sexual violence. “I think we need better prosecution,” Bruno says. “I think we need deterrence to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Others, like Leigh Goodmark, Professor of Law and Co-Director of the Clinical Law Program at the University of Maryland, believe that a criminal justice system plagued by racism and socioeconomic inequality is ultimately unjust for both perpetrators and victims. “It doesn’t give you money to lean on, it doesn’t give you job training, it doesn’t give anything people might need to rearrange their lives,” Goodmark told Talkspace in a previous interview.

But there’s something most advocates can agree on: sexual assault survivors need far more support than they currently receive.

For the past few decades, there’s been a movement within legal and victims’ advocate communities to fill in that gap. While data are hard to track, anecdotal reports from lawyers suggest that recently, survivors of sexual violence have increasingly opted to pursue civil, rather than or in addition to criminal, legal remedies. These solutions can take place anywhere from University Title IX committees to small claims court. They can include filing a case to get out of a lease in order to move away from an abuser, or directly suing a rapist for monetary damages in order to pay for health care

These solutions have one thing in common: the belief that when it comes to justice for sexual assault, survivors’ physical and emotional needs should come first.

Rape is an Economic Crime

“I’ve always thought my research was just so logical,” says Rebecca Loya, a Senior Research Associate at Brandeis University, who studies the economic effects of sexual violence on survivors. “But strangely enough, it’s not something that people have paid much attention to.”

Considering the devastating impacts sexual violence can have on survivors’ economic wellbeing, Loya is right to be surprised. The CDC estimates that between physical and mental healthcare costs, housing instability, and lost productivity at work, rape costs each survivor an average of $122,461 over their lifetime.

Sexual assault happens to everyone, it doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, it doesn’t matter race or ethnicity. But recovery doesn’t look the same for everyone.
Rebecca Loya, Senior Research Associate

Economic impact of assault

Often, sexual assault can render it impossible for survivors to continue their work, for a while or forever. “People need time off to recover,” says Loya, whether that be short-term recovery or for an extended period due to long-term effects, like PTSD. “For survivors who don’t have paid time off or stable employment, that can be very costly.” Over time, this instability can lead to job loss and even homelessness.

This is especially true for low-income survivors, who may already be struggling to access the basic resources they need. “Sexual assault happens to everyone, it doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, it doesn’t matter race or ethnicity” says Loya. “But recovery doesn’t look the same for everyone.”

Because sexual assault survivors are still plagued by stigma, survivors themselves may be unable to connect the dots between an assault and the resulting negative life experiences. Multiple survivors told Loya they’d never realized how deeply the assault had affected their lives. This is often exacerbated by a lack of community support. “Society, employers, family, loved ones said ‘This is one thing that happened to you, get over it,’” says Loya. “They don’t see that this is something that’s going to take years to work your way out of.”

Mental Health Impacts of Assault

Trauma from sexual violence has long-lasting mental health impacts, and this further compounds survivors’ economic and social vulnerability.

To begin with, poverty already drastically increases the likelihood that someone will be sexually assaulted, with the poorest Americans 12 times more likely to be victimized than the wealthiest. People in poverty are also more likely to experience mental illness, due to stressors like food insecurity, racial discrimination, or lack of access to care. And mental illness itself is a risk factor for sexual victimization, as people with mental illness are as much as 15 times more likely to be sexually assaulted.

For many survivors, especially low-income women, these factors lead to a vicious cycle, wherein low-income women or people with mental illness are more likely to be sexual victimized and less likely to be able to access care. That’s why many advocates say supporting victims is the first and best way forward.

The Law Can Help

About twenty years ago, Colby Bruno was working at a large law firm in Boston when she began volunteering with the Victim Rights Law Center to provide free legal services to sexual assault survivors seeking restraining orders. That volunteer work became a full-time mission, and she joined the Victim Rights Law Center as an attorney in 2003.

As opposed to criminal lawyers, who focus on convicting assailants in court, people like Bruno use civil law to help connect victims to crucial services. “The two most common ones that we end up dealing with are privacy and safety,” says Bruno. This can include helping survivors keep their medical records private, helping them obtain leave from their jobs, breaking a lease in order to move away from an assailant, and advocating for universities to remove assailants from their classes or dorms.

Civil and small claims courts

Survivors who wish to hold perpetrators responsible for costs like physical and mental health care can turn to small claims court. These sums can be relatively small — say, $2,000 to cover therapy for six months — but they can make a significant difference, allowing someone to remain in their housing, access care, and begin to heal.

Survivors can also sue perpetrators to recover larger sums of money, covering not just medical expenses but also emotional damages. Civil courts have lower burdens of proof than criminal courts, making this route potentially more satisfying and less traumatizing for victims.

Barriers to Justice

There’s a convincing moral argument for perpetrators covering survivors’ costs. After all, taking responsibility for a crime shouldn’t only, or even primarily, mean accepting punishment — it should also mean doing whatever it takes to help undo harm. “To the extent that people are identified and able to pay, 100% they should,” says Loya.

But there are substantial barriers to pursuing justice through civil courts. “It’s a very big uphill battle for victims,” says Bruno. “Most victims don’t ever want to see the perpetrator again,” which is required in small claims court. Then, many survivors are reluctant to tell others they’ve been assaulted, and may not be supported even if they do open up. Even if survivors do choose to sue assailants, there’s no guarantee that a perpetrator will even have the financial resources to cover the suit.

Finally, there’s a more crucial barrier that prevents many, if not most, sexual assault survivors from initiating civil suits: “It takes money,” Loya says.

Changing the Script

With such high barriers to both civil and criminal action against assailants, how can we ensure that survivors get the help they need?

For Loya, truly prioritizing survivors means moving beyond a conception of rape as a strictly individual crime, and choosing instead to make society as a whole more supportive. This means investing in survivors whose preexisting economic insecurity makes them more vulnerable to the traumatic effects of rape. “Public policies could come in and play the role that family plays for richer people or people who have more resources,” Loya says.

That investment can and should take the form of affordable mental health support for survivors. Research has shown that survivor empowerment, including mental healthcare, can help prevent revictimization and longer-lasting effects, like PTSD. But less than half of people who need therapy have access to it, and this is a greater problem for people of color and low-income people.

Many organizations, like the Rape, Incest, and Abuse National Network, and The National Domestic Violence Hotline, can help connect survivors to local or online, free- or low-cost mental health resources. Meanwhile, advocates like Bruno and the attorneys at the Victims Rights Law Center can help survivors pursue civil legal remedies to get support.

Ultimately, the question isn’t strictly about whether perpetrators should pay for survivors’ care. It’s about how we, as a society, support survivors of sexual assault. Getting early help can make all the difference between being completely knocked off course by an assault, and having the resources to be resilient and heal. Whether the support comes from the individual assailant — or, preferably, society as a whole — that act of care can make all the difference.

So to truly support survivors, says Bruno, “we really need to be better about investing in people’s recovery.”

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What You Need to Know About Dating an Intimate Partner Violence Survivor

Mon, 21 Oct 2019 13:45:52 +0000

During the relationship, I felt like a cardboard cutout of myself: thin, flimsy, a printed-on smile plastered on my face. After I left, I was a different person. I flinched at loud noises and the sound of footsteps behind me on the street. I cried unpredictably and often. But I was also more intuitive, more empathetic, and much stronger. I didn’t know who this new, post-abuse version of myself was, but truth be told — I thought she was pretty rad.

But when it came to dating? In the immortal words of my New York City ancestors: forget about it. It’s hard enough to date when you’re in the best of mental health, but after you’ve been through the emotional equivalent of a hurricane, it’s like trying to find your way through a completely altered landscape. I’m still learning my way around that new terrain. We, as a society, all are.

If you’re dating someone with an abuse history, you’re in the unique position of being able to help co-author a violence-free future for yourself and your partner, just by being your wonderful self. But first, there are some things you should understand about abuse, what your partner might be experiencing, and how to support yourself so you can be the best possible ally.

It’s a Learning Process, For Both of You

As much as you may care about your dating partner, and as much as they may be suffering, they’re not “broken,” and you can’t “fix” or “save” them. An intimate relationship is no replacement for the physical and mental health care many abuse survivors need to feel truly well. Even if it’s been a long time since their experience of abuse, your dating partner is likely still on a journey of healing, figuring out what they need to be happy, healthy, and safe in an intimate relationship.

You can’t do that work for them, but you can educate yourself about abuse and trauma, so that you can be the best possible partner. That starts with listening to survivors, including your dating partner, when they tell you about their experiences and what they need. This also means learning to read between the lines and understanding how trauma can affect someone’s emotional health and communication style.

Know Thyself

You should see yourself, always, as your partner’s equal, and genuinely strive to create a relationship that is as mutually beneficial as possible. If anyone has accused you of abuse in the past, or if you have a history of toxic or unhealthy relationships, you might not be the best match for this person at this time.

You also may not be the best match if you’re someone who tends to view people you date as “fixer-uppers,” “projects,” or if you prioritize someone else’s needs at the cost of your own. It’s okay if you feel like this isn’t the right relationship for you right now: we all have to prioritize our own healing first, so we can be more present and caring toward other people.

When in doubt, ask!

It’s an act of respect to ask a survivor what they need to feel safe, especially if you’re getting to be physically and emotionally intimate. While some survivors may find talking about their past disturbing, each individual survivor is the foremost expert on their own experience and will open up when it’s right for them.

If you’re unsure whether something — a movie that includes depictions of abuse, for example, or a particular sexual position — is okay, ask them. This also means respecting if they don’t wish or they’re unable to engage with your question. And remember: Asking is just the first part — it’s also vital to listen.

Always, Always Respect Boundaries

Abuse is a process of violating someone’s boundaries over time, so that the abuser can have their way. Eventually, the victim learns to expect that their boundaries will be ignored, and their sense of self and their own needs erodes. In new relationships, this trauma often makes it scary for survivors to say “no” and difficult for them to home in on their inner voice. This is why, for many survivors, healing is about restoring a personal sense of agency and re-learning what feels good and what kinds of behavior they won’t accept.

The most powerful, supportive thing you can do is to pay attention to your dating partner’s boundaries, and respect those boundaries. That means, whether it’s sex or something as simple as going out for a dinner date, if you ask and they say “no,” that always means “no.” If they freeze up, that means “no.” If they’re ambiguous, that means “no.”

And remember: “No” does not mean “convince me.” Pressuring someone with an abuse history to do something they don’t want to do is not only disrespectful — it’s a repetition of the same behavior they were harmed by in the past. Their “no” is not necessarily a rejection of you: it’s a rejection of that activity at that time. It’s also an assertion of their own boundaries, which is an important skill for them to learn!

You Need to Earn Their Trust

Because cycles of abuse often include periods of kindness followed by violence, I learned, as many survivors do, to associate a partner’s kindness with gathering storm clouds of cruelty. When I started dating again, I found myself constantly cringing at dating partners’ kindness and wondering: when will the other shoe drop?

If you’re dating someone with an abuse history, know that it might take them a while to trust you. That may feel frustrating — after all, you’re likely a nice person with good intentions — but it’s totally normal and understandable. They’re still learning whether it’s safe or not to open up, and that will only come through time and healing. Licensed therapists can also provide expert relationship help, especially when dating someone with bipolar, anxiety, or another mental health condition.

It may take a while

Trust is always earned, and dating is like a job interview to demonstrate that you’re worthy of someone’s trust. You can demonstrate your intentions are good by showing your dating partner, through consistent, caring action, that you mean what you say and that, while no one’s perfect, there is no “other shoe” of cruelty or neglect that you’re about to drop on them.

Take Care of Yourself

Each of us deserves a loving, caring, and egalitarian relationship. While a partner who has an abuse history may require certain kinds of thoughtfulness, you should also have your basic needs for trust, love, and respect met. If you find yourself feeling more like your partner’s doctor than their dating partner, it’s a sign that it’s time to step back.

And if this all sounds like a lot of responsibility — well, it is! At the end of the day, dating is always a lot of responsibility. Trusting other people with access to our hearts and bodies is such a big risk and it’s pretty wild that — even after heartbreak or trauma — human beings have the incredible resilience to love again. Whether we’re survivors ourselves, or we love people who are, we all have the amazing strength to learn from past harm and grow toward a healthier future.

Additional Resources for Domestic Violence

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Types of Domestic Violence – Signs and What You Can Do

Tue, 30 Oct 2018 20:05:51 +0000

While abuse is often stereotypically portrayed in only one manner, as physical violence, there are actually several types of domestic violence.

Domestic violence is a problem that affects millions of people in all types of relationships — traditional marriages, same-sex partnerships, and relationships where there is no sexual intimacy involved. The United States Department of Justice defines domestic violence as “a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.”

The Types of Domestic Violence

According to the U.S. DOJ, five types of domestic violence exist, and each has a devastating effect on those involved — including witnesses of the abuse. These include:

Physical violence

The use of physical force against another. Examples include hitting, shoving, grabbing, biting, restraining, shaking, choking, burning, forcing the use of drug/alcohol, and assault with a weapon. Physical violence may or may not result in an injury that requires medical attention.

Sexual violence

The violation of an individual’s bodily integrity (sexual assault), including coercing sexual contact, rape and prostitution, as well as any unwelcome sexual behavior (sexual harassment), including treating someone in a sexually demeaning manner or any other conduct of a sexual nature, whether physical, verbal or non-verbal. Sexual abuse also includes behavior, which limits reproductive rights, such as preventing use of contractive methods and forcing abortion.

Economic abuse

Making or attempting to make the victim financially dependent on the abuser. Examples of this include preventing or forbidding an intimate partner from working or gaining an education, controlling the financial resources and withholding access to economic resources.

Psychological abuse

Intimidation, threats of harm and isolation. Examples include instilling fear in an intimate partner through threatening behavior, such as damaging property or abusing pets, constant supervision or controlling what the victim does and who they talk to.

Further, spiritual abuse may be included as a type of psychological abuse. It involves the misuse of spiritual or religious beliefs to manipulate or exert power and control over an intimate partner. For example, using scripture to justify abuse or rearing the children in a faith or religious practice the partner has not agreed to.

Emotional abuse

Undermining an individual’s sense of self-worth. Examples of emotional abuse include constant criticism, name-calling, embarrassing, mocking and humiliating.

How to Recognize Domestic Abuse

These types of domestic abuse have many shades and variations, carefully customized by the abuser to use in his or her quest for power and control. Warning signs that a relationship may be abusive include a partner who:

Makes you feel like you’re never right
Is unreasonably jealous of other relationships
Questions time you spend away from them
Discourages other relationships, including with family
Shames you
Frightens you
Makes you feel like you can’t make decisions
Controls your actions and/or finances
Threatens your children or pets, or hurts them
Sexually mistreats you, or pushes you into sexual acts you’re not comfortable with
Physically threatens you, or hurts you

Family and friends can also help identify abuse by addressing changes in a loved one’s behavior, such as:

Inconsistent explanations: Victims may provide different excuses for the causes of their injuries due to fear of alerting others to the severity of their situation.
Alcohol abuse: Victims may use alcohol or other substances as a means to escape from their everyday reality of abuse.
Visible injuries: Bruises are the most common form of injury and turn purple to green to yellow as they heal.

How to Get Help

A common misconception surrounding these types of domestic violence is that the victim is not strong enough to leave, but it’s far more complex than that. Walking away from an abusive relationship is a process more than a single action. Victims usually make several attempts before they leave the abuser for good. That’s why community support is so important.

If you or someone you know has experienced domestic violence, you are not alone. These three resources are just some of many that can help victims and survivors of domestic violence find support and assistance in their communities.

National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233): Open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, this line is a resource for safety information and can connect any caller with shelters and protection advocates in her area.

VINE: Active in 47 states, VINE allows victims to search for an offender in custody by name or identification number, then register to be alerted if the offender has been released or transferred, or has escaped.

Women’s Law: This site has state-by-state legal information and resources for victims, as well as advice on how to leave an abusive situation, gather evidence of abuse, and prepare for court.

Remember, You Come First

If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may be feeling confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. One moment, you may desperately want to get away, and the next, you may want to hang on to the relationship. Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it.

Don’t be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-blame. The only thing that matters is your safety or the safety of the victim you are concerned about. Focus on getting help and protecting yourself and those around you who are being impacted by these types of domestic violence.

Additional Resources for Domestic Violence