Empty Nest Syndrome: The Grief of Your Kids Moving Out

What is Empty Nest Syndrome?

Empty nest syndrome (ENS) is the term coined to describe the mixed emotions many parents experience during the transitional period when grown children leave home and venture out into the world. It can cause grief, sadness, feelings of loss or despair, fear, anger, or irritability. While it’s not a clinical diagnosis, empty nest syndrome is real and impacts both moms and dads, according to research. 

You’ve raised your child for nearly two decades — your focus has been on homework, practices, school events, social interactions, sports games, parent-teacher conferences, making sure they’ve eaten, have clothes, get to the doctor and dentist, and so much more. In many senses, your entire world was wrapped up in their world, so it makes a lot of sense if you’re having, as the kids say, “all the feels” about getting your time back and figuring out what your new role looks like. 

If you’ve just sent an adult child out into the world and are wondering how to deal with empty nest syndrome, keep reading. We’re discussing the signs and stages of empty nest syndrome, how long you might be feeling the way you are, and what you can do to survive this challenging time. The most essential thing to know is that you’re not alone and will get through this. Your feelings are normal and valid. You just need some time and space to adjust to your new normal. 

Signs of Empty Nest Syndrome

The tricky part of empty nest syndrome is that it’s not the same for everyone, and you might experience a range of emotions during your days…or even from hour to hour. Understanding what’s “normal” can help you trust that you will be OK. 

Emotional distress

The emotional distress some parents experience during empty nest syndrome stems from a void that’s left when their children leave. Feelings may intensify as reality sets in, and you go through a period of adjustment and self-reflection. 

Many parents find that getting support from a longtime friend or family member is helpful as they navigate their mixed emotions — and for some, therapy can be beneficial.

Loneliness

Empty nest syndrome can cause profound loneliness. The home is suddenly quiet, and you might struggle to come to terms with your newfound solitude. It’s normal to long for companionship and miss the daily interactions with your children. 

Making social connections and keeping busy with fulfilling activities might help you deal with loneliness associated with empty nest syndrome.

Loss of purpose or identity crisis

Deep feelings about a loss of purpose – some describe it as an identity crisis – aren’t uncommon when going through empty nest syndrome. They can make you question your place in the world and where you go from here — and those are some big feelings. 

“When parents focus their purpose around raising their children, and then they no longer need the same level of dependence, it can feel empty. The independent stage can feel exciting to the young adult but devastating to the parent because of the redefining of roles. Preparing for the change ahead of time may help with the transition by considering how to be supportive while they navigate the world from a distance”

– Talkspace therapist Dr Karmen Smith LCSW DD

It might be comforting to focus on finding new hobbies and passions or reconnecting with things you enjoyed in the past but haven’t had time to do. Finding a sense of purpose can help you rediscover or redefine your self-identity.

Trying to fill a void

Trying to fill the void that’s left when grown children leave home is something many parents do to compensate for the absence. Adapting to your new life stage and how to care for yourself can be a delicate act, though. Over-involvement or over-committing to work, social events, or even hobbies can become unhealthy if you find yourself excessively focusing on other things rather than your own mental and physical health.

Find balance in your “keeping busy” efforts and make sure you’re allowing yourself the time and space you need to grieve the loss you’ve experienced. In many ways, it is a loss — to heal from it, you must acknowledge that fact. 

Overprotectiveness

Whether you were overprotective during their youth or not, as adult children leave and your ability to protect them becomes more limited, fearing the loss of control or feeling disconnected from your adult child can trigger overprotectiveness. You might worry about their well-being and safety, which is understandable. However, it can be problematic — and unhealthy — if your thoughts lead to intrusive behavior or excessive worrying that impacts your daily life or ability to function.

Find healthy ways to support and stay connected with your child while allowing them to grow and navigate their new world. You can reach out to support groups, spend more time with friends or family, or even talk to a therapist if you need to. In therapy, you’ll learn coping tools to help you set healthy boundaries.

Neglecting personal care

When empty nest syndrome is extreme, it can sometimes lead to self-neglect. By focusing on or worrying about a child who has left home, you might unintentionally overlook your own well-being and needs.

Recognize the importance and necessity of self-care and get support from loved ones, friends, or family who have gone through their empty nest stage. They might be able to help you regain balance in your life.

Stages of Empty Nest Syndrome

Similar to the stages of grief, there are stages most parents go through as they navigate the emotions associated with a child leaving home. While there’s no right or wrong process, many parents find they experience denial, grief, and then finally acceptance before they’re able to settle into their “new norm.”

• Denial: It’s common to struggle to accept that your child is leaving home initially. You might deny its impact on your life or downplay your feelings, trying to convince yourself that not much will change.
• Grief: Eventually, the reality will set in, and you might experience intense sadness or loss. You might mourn the loss of daily interactions, conversations, and routines you had with your child — all things that likely gave you a sense of purpose in life.
• Acceptance: Finally, you will come to terms — even if it’s slowly — as you start to accept a new phase of your life. This happens once you begin to understand that a child leaving is natural. It’s part of their and your development process.

“The grief of the empty nester may not be understood by some within the family. They may encourage you to be happy because wonderful things are happening for the child. It could be hard for people to see the underlying identity crisis that could be happening. The grief over the loss of your old role and not knowing who you will become can feel overwhelming.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr Karmen Smith LCSW DD

How Long Does Empty Nest Syndrome Last?

While it varies for every parent, empty nest syndrome can last from a few months to a few years. The intensity of your emotions will likely lessen over time, but don’t be surprised if occasional nostalgia or longing sneaks up on you, even after your initial adjustment period has come and gone.

How to Deal with Empty Nest Syndrome

Dealing with grief and all of the symptoms that come with empty nest syndrome can be challenging, and even painful, but having coping tools in place can make the process slightly easier. 

Keeping open communication with your child and finding new ways to connect with them will be key. Focusing on your own interests and nurturing your own relationships is also essential. As hard as it can be, try to embrace this opportunity — see it as a time when you can work on personal growth and self-discovery.

Acknowledge your feelings

Don’t try to deny what you’re feeling. It’s important to face your emotions head-on during this transition. Recognize and accept your feelings of sadness and loss as a natural response to your changing family dynamics. Avoid judging yourself for these feelings. Instead, give yourself the necessary time and space to process these emotions. 

Seek support

Navigating the emotional challenges of empty nest syndrome can be daunting, but you don’t have to face it alone. Reach out to friends or family for support—sharing your feelings and experiences with them can provide immense comfort. 

Additionally, consider exploring books about grief, which can offer valuable insights and strategies for managing your emotions during this transitional phase. These resources can be a solace, helping you understand and process your feelings healthily.

Consider therapy

Sometimes, your thoughts and feelings while navigating ENS can be too much to handle on your own. Consider therapy for expert guidance and support as you adjust to the emotional roller coaster you’re on. A good therapist can give you effective coping strategies and offer you a safe space to explore your feelings. In extreme cases, they might even suggest medication to help you deal with the symptoms of depression. 

Talkspace is an online therapy platform that makes prioritizing mental health simple, accessible, and affordable — with the added convenience of doing it from the comfort of your own home.

Reconnect with others

Reconnecting with friends and family can help combat the loneliness commonly experienced with empty nest syndrome. Socializing provides support and companionship that can enrich and fulfill one’s life during this transition.

Explore new interests 

As a busy parent, it’s common to sideline your own hobbies while raising children. With your nest now empty, this period presents a perfect opportunity to rediscover and pursue interests that excite you. Whether it’s a long-forgotten hobby or something entirely new you’ve always wanted to try, embracing these activities can fill your home with renewed energy and joy, helping you transition into this new phase of your life with enthusiasm.

Maintain communication

Your child might not be in the house every morning and night, but that doesn’t mean you can’t stay connected and involved in their life. Having regular conversations will reassure you that they’re OK and can strengthen your parent-child relationship, even despite physical distance.

Plan visits

Planning visits — where you go see your child or your child comes home — gives both of you something to look forward to. Spending quality time together strengthens family bonds and helps alleviate loneliness.

Focus on self-care

It can be easy to forget about self-care — many parents do it for years — but you must engage in things that promote emotional, physical, and mental well-being right now. Taking care of yourself will help you build resilience and offer balance in your life.

Redecorate or renovate

Empty nest syndrome can be the perfect time to finally redecorate or renovate that one room or space in your house you’ve wanted to fix up for years. Not only will you have the chance to create a fresh environment that’s symbolic of your evolving life, but the finished product will give you something exciting to look forward to and enjoy.

Downsize or relocate

Downsizing and relocating to a smaller home can offer financial benefits and relieve some of the stress of maintaining a big space you no longer need.

Volunteer

Volunteering your time and skills and giving back is a great way to keep busy and create a sense of purpose with your newfound time. It can be good for you, too — studies show that people who volunteer are happier and healthier. 

Slowly Adjust with Support

Empty nest syndrome can be a difficult phase of life, but giving yourself time and finding the right support can be critical to overcoming it. If you need help, contact Talkspace to learn how therapy can help you cope. 

Talkspace providers are licensed and qualified to help parents manage empty nest syndrome or other significant life changes. Connect with an online therapist at Talkspace today to get started.