Navigating the Challenges of Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Challenges in Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Co-parenting with a narcissist has unique challenges. Unlike parenting with a healthy partner, a narcissistic personality often means dealing with manipulation tactics, and other narcissistic behavior that can be hard to navigate without help.

Common challenges people face when dealing with a narcissistic person include: 

Inconsistent communication

The narcissistic parent might ignore messages or refuse to engage in healthy, constructive conversations about your child. When they do communicate, their responses are often unpredictable and can be combative.

Manipulation of children

Manipulation is a hallmark trait of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). When it comes to parenting, narcissistic mothers and fathers might use their children as part of a strategy against the other parent. They’ll have no qualms about sabotaging the parent-child relationship to get what they want, and causing emotional stress comes easily.

Lack of cooperation

A refusal to cooperate can manifest in several ways that reflect narcissistic traits. These include ignoring agreed-upon schedules, changing plans at the last minute without prior discussion, and making decisions without considering the feelings of the other parent or child. Each of these actions disrupts harmony and shows a disregard for mutual agreements.

Using children as leverage

It’s very easy for a narcissistic parent to use their children as pawns in the co-parenting dynamic. They’ll threaten to act or withhold to further their quest for control and dominance in the relationship.

Disregarding boundaries

Boundaries are a very typical issue in a narcissistic relationship. People with narcissistic tendencies have little to no regard for others’ boundaries. A narcissistic person might make unacceptable comments or behave inappropriately toward their partner or children.

Undermining the other parent

One of the most frustrating things about co-parenting with a narcissist can be trying to deal with being undermined. In healthy relationships, parents are a united front, so maintaining a productive relationship can be almost impossible when one’s narcissistic behavior constantly involves throwing the other under the bus.

Financial manipulation

All types of manipulation should be expected when dealing with a narcissistic personality, but financial manipulation for a parent can be one of the most devastating. Fear of being unable to provide for yourself or your child financially is scary, and this type of narcissistic abuse can be highly disruptive to family life.

Legal and custody battles

Going through a separation or divorce when children are involved can be excruciating under the best circumstances. When one of the parents has narcissistic personality disorder, though, the stakes can become much higher. A narcissistic parent can make the already complex process of legal and custody agreements long, drawn out, and unnecessarily painful for both the other parent and the child or children involved.

Emotional turmoil

Emotional distress and turmoil in the home are not uncommon when one parent is narcissistic. They take pleasure in causing immense stress on the family life and environment.

Neglecting children’s needs

Withholding basic care and refusing to meet a child’s needs isn’t unusual for a narcissistic parent. They might engage in this type of behavior as a means to assert their power over the child or to punish the other parent.

How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist

Co-parenting with a narcissist isn’t easy, but with the right tools and a well-designed parenting plan, it’s possible in many cases. Using the following tips, you can foster a healthier environment for you and your child.

Design a parenting plan

Having a parenting plan is often the first line of defense when trying to co-parent with a narcissist. This is an actual document you create to detail (in advance) essential decisions about things like:

• Education
• Pick up or drop off items
• Healthcare
• Extracurricular activities
• Diet and sleep schedules

Set & maintain boundaries

Establishing strict limits and setting boundaries with a narcissist is crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship and keeping the peace. Some examples of boundaries you can set with your co-parent include:

• Limiting communication to written forms (emails, texts)
• Clarifying topics of discussion (children’s news, needs, or changing schedules)
• Setting clear limits on response times (must respond within X hours)
• Ensuring children are always permitted to communicate with the parent they’re not with

Try parallel parenting

Parallel parenting might be hard to initiate, but it can be worth the effort in the long run. Think of parallel parenting as the opposite of co-parenting. You’re not working together to parent; you’re parenting alongside them.

When you use parallel parenting, you can both do your “jobs” as parents, but it’s more of a business relationship than a co-effort. Parallel parenting allows you to limit communication and interaction, which can be a relief, but it also means each parent can maintain parenting styles and make their own decisions about everything regarding the child when it’s their time together.

Detach from the narcissist

Detaching emotionally from a narcissistic partner isn’t easy. It requires great discipline as you learn to no longer react to attempts to manipulate or control you or your child. It means staying calm and becoming fiercely focused only on what is in the child’s best interest. The more you practice this, the easier it will be to heal from narcissistic abuse.

Avoid emotional arguments

It’s important to be able to identify and resist engaging in emotional arguments when parenting with a narcissist. As part of the manipulation, narcissists will use your emotional state to control you, your child, and the situation. Practice walking away when you’re heated or feeling intense emotions instead of responding to a narcissist. When calm, you can revisit an issue or discussion if necessary.

Be the safe parent for your kids

Children need structure, consistency, and balance to feel safe. Offering them all of these things helps them feel secure. Being a safe parent doesn’t mean you have to be perfect — it just means you can provide the type of stability a child needs to thrive.

Focus on love for the child

It can be overwhelming — for both parent and child — to be in a constant state of unrest, which is typical when dealing with a narcissistic personality. When you feel like you can’t take it anymore, focus on loving your child. That can remind you how vital your role is so you have the strength to continue.

Stick to the schedule

Children thrive on schedules, and when one parent is narcissistic, maintaining structure can be a lifeline for you both. Do your best not to let anything interfere with what you’ve both come to count and rely on — it will be a source of consistency and balance in your lives.

Have a detailed custody agreement

A detailed custody agreement offers many benefits. It can limit conversations (that would likely turn to disagreements), offer structure for the child, and set expectations for everyone about how days, weeks, and timing should go. The more detailed, the better. Since it’s something that’s been previously agreed upon, there shouldn’t be unnecessary arguments about the particulars.

Take advantage of court services

Court services can be valuable, reducing the likelihood of fights, contention, or altercations about anything — from finances to schedules — having to do with a child. You can lean on the court system to be a buffer when dealing with a narcissistic co-parent so you don’t have to interact or meet their demands any more than necessary.

Document everything

Gaslighting is a signature narcissistic trait. Don’t allow them to spin the truth, lie, or make you second guess yourself by keeping detailed, thorough, accurate notes about discussions and decisions you come to together.

When narcissistic gaslighting occurs, be sure to take note of:

• Dates
• Times
• How and where the interaction took place
• What was said
• The outcome of the exchange

Not only does this protect what was decided on, but it also helps you trust yourself and your recollection of events.

Protecting Your Mental Health

If you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, the experience can be intense and incredibly stressful. It can impact your mental health and well-being by putting you in a constant state of anxiety. You can use the following strategies to deal with stress and the emotional toll parenting with a narcissist can take:

• Practice self-care
• Meditation
• Do yoga
• Read
• Get outdoors
• Workout
• Find a support group
• Rely on trusted family and friends
• Seek support from an online therapist

Supporting Your Children

The most important thing you can do as you learn how to co-parent with a narcissist is support your children. Raising resilient children, even in a narcissistic environment, means taking every opportunity to bolster their self-esteem and help them flourish emotionally.

• Reinforce a positive self-image
• Focus on resilience
• Recognize and build up your child’s strengths
• Highlight and celebrate successes, no matter how small
• Get them involved in things they love and are passionate about as an outlet
• Teach them problem-solving skills
• Reinforce open communication
• Ensure they feel safe expressing their feelings
• Teach coping mechanisms they can use to manage the emotions they experience as a result of having a narcissistic parent

If you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, you must learn to recognize signs of emotional distress in your child. This ensures you’re able to give them help as soon as possible — research suggests that children with narcissistic parents can have long-lasting (life-long in many cases) issues as a result of the relationship.

Consider seeking professional help, like therapy, if you feel that you can’t give your child the type of assistance they need to rebuild their emotional well-being. A skilled therapist can offer tailored support and guidance to help your child navigate the dynamics narcissistic parenting often causes in the household.

Signs of emotional distress can look like:

• Pulling away from friends
• Grades slipping
• Increased irritability
• Changes in sleeping pattern
• Changes in eating habits
• Disengaging from things they once enjoyed
• Angry outbursts

Find Support Through Talkspace

Co-parenting with a narcissist can feel impossible. Talkspace can help by connecting you with a qualified, licensed mental health professional who understands your challenges.

Talkspace makes therapy simple, anywhere, any time. You’re already juggling the demands of parenting and have the added challenge of needing to deal with a narcissistic co-parent. Learn how to manage the stress of your situation, build long-term strategies for enhanced emotional well-being, and use effective ways to communicate so you have the healthiest, most positive environment possible for you and your child.