What is Narcissistic Gaslighting?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Defined

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition marked by a grand level of self-importance, an intense need for excessive admiration and attention from others, and a general lack of empathy for others.

People with NPD display extreme confidence while also being unable to gracefully accept even small criticisms or complaints.

Gaslighting Defined

Gaslighting is the use of a patterned, repetitive set of manipulation tactics that makes someone question reality. It’s often used by people with narcissistic personality disorder, abusive individuals, cult leaders, criminals, and dictators.

It’s important to point out that gaslighting is a “patterned” behavior. It’s intentional and designed to make you question your memories and experiences.

Toxic people who gaslight instill confusion intended to make others rely on them. Convincing someone to question their reality gives a gaslighter a sense of power and superiority.

Despite all this, gaslighting often isn’t so obvious. Many gaslighters may not realize they’re gaslighting, and many people who are being gaslighted also fail to recognize it at first.

What gaslighting is not:

Gaslighting is not a single incident. When attempting to identify gaslighting, look for a pattern of behavior that appears to be both malicious and intentional. There are various instances when behavior may seem to be gaslighting but it’s actually not. Consider the following statements:

• “You’re misunderstanding what I’m saying. That’s not what I meant.”
• “That’s not the way I remember things happening that day.”
• “Ah, c’mon. What I did wasn’t that bad.”
• “I didn’t intend for that to happen.”

Many people will say things like this, but they’re not gaslighters in the true sense. If you want to spot gaslighting, look for a distinct, repetitive pattern of intentional malice or denial.

What gaslighting can involve, but is not:

Most people have experienced one or more behaviors commonly used as gaslighting tactics. Some of these forms of manipulation include:

• Bullying
• Shaming
• Intimidation
• Name-calling
• Emotional blackmail

Signs That You’re Experiencing Narcissistic Gaslighting

It’s common for people to fail to recognize manipulative tactics like narcissistic gaslighting. Someone with NPD might be gaslighting you if:

You’re second-guessing your decisions more and more

This sign is indicative of the emotional abuse common in a narcissistic relationship, where the narcissist gaslighting erodes your confidence, making you dependent on their validation.

You keep wondering if you’re being overly sensitive

Psychological manipulation tactics will dismiss your feelings as unreasonable, making you question your emotional responses.

You feel unstable or like you’re losing your mind

Feeling mentally unstable is a key indication of being subject to narcissist gaslighting, where the manipulator’s objective is to unsettle your sense of reality.

You unnecessarily apologize, often

This stems from the manipulative behavior of the abuser, conditioning you to believe you’re always at fault.

You find you’re increasingly unhappy

The constant doubt, guilt, and confusion inflicted by a narcissistic gaslighter can lead to pervasive unhappiness, which is highly indicative of being in an abusive relationship.

You’re feeling isolated from friends and family

The gaslighter may attempt to cut you off from your support system, making it easier to control and manipulate you. This isolation can make you more dependent on the gaslighter and less likely to seek help or external perspectives.

You’re questioning your worth and abilities

Regularly being undermined and criticized can lead to questioning your self-worth and abilities. You might start to believe you’re not competent or deserving of respect, reflecting the gaslighter’s narrative.

Narcissistic gaslighting can make you feel like something is wrong, but you’re unable to put your finger on just what it is.

Common Traits of Narcissistic Gaslighters

A toxic person who gaslights might:

• Refuse to consider your thoughts or concerns: Showing a blatant disregard for your thoughts or concerns is a tactic to diminish your self-esteem and assert dominance. It reinforces the power imbalance, making you feel unheard and insignificant.
• Restructure past events to shift blame to you: Manipulating memories of past events to blame you is a strategy to avoid accountability. By rewriting history, the gaslighter can maintain control and keep you in a state of confusion and self-doubt.
• Insist you did things that you know you didn’t do: This tactic is aimed at making you question your actions and memory. It’s a form of psychological manipulation intended to weaken your confidence in your own recollections and perceptions.
• Scoff when you share your side of the story: Dismissing your perspective is a manipulative behavior designed to belittle your experiences and invalidate your feelings.
• Tell others about your state of mind, behavior, or feelings: Spreading misinformation or exaggerated accounts about you to others is a way to undermine your credibility and control how you’re perceived. It isolates you and makes it harder for you to find support.
• Lack of empathy for others’ feelings: A lack of empathy is a hallmark trait of narcissistic gaslighters, making it difficult for them to acknowledge others’ feelings, thus perpetuating abusive behavior in a relationship.

A person with narcissistic personality disorder who’s gaslighting you might say you’re crazy, insensitive, or otherwise just flat out wrong when you try to express your needs or wants.

Examples of “Narcissistic Gaslighting”

Narcissistic gaslighting examples can be subtle and difficult to recognize. It’s not the same thing as telling one lie, having a unique opinion, or accusing someone else of being wrong about something. It’s also important to note that someone who gaslights doesn’t necessarily have to know you personally.

At work

Sometimes coworkers can try to gaslight out of jealousy or anger about their (or your) position. For example, maybe you received a promotion and a coworker or your boss is angry about it. They may try to sabotage you in your new role, not giving you important information or messages. Maybe they move files you need or take documents you’re looking for. When you confront them, they might accuse you of being too stressed to be able to handle the position, or become angry in response, asking why you’d accuse them of such things.

Maybe at this point you start to really question your own capability in your new role. In some cases, you might even be dealing with a “narcissistic boss .”

People in positions of power

People in power, like politicians, have been known to regularly gaslight the masses when they deny obvious recorded truths, such as authentic video recordings or testimony from multiple unbiased witnesses.

Sometimes these tactics can convince people that the politician did no wrong or that their behavior wasn’t really “that bad.”

Medical care

Some unethical doctors try to gaslight their patients by suggesting that health complaints are imagined or that pain is not as bad as they claim. They might go so far as to recommend counseling instead of other forms of medical treatment.

You might start to wonder if you truly do have the symptoms you’ve been explaining to your doctor. After all, doctors are the experts, the ones who went to school for years. You may think of course they know more about it than you do.

In a relationship

You’re convinced your abusive partner may have been unfaithful, but when you ask them about the physical or emotional cheating, they either flat out lie, tell you you’re crazy, or become enraged at the accusation.

You have evidence and you vehemently disagree with their reaction, but you still find that you’re second guessing yourself. You question your belief that they aren’t being true and honest in the relationship. Getting out of a relationship with someone who has uses gaslighting can be challenging, but it is possible.

Why Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder Gaslights

People might gaslight others because of negative childhood experiences, a need to be in control, or due to a personality disorder like NPD. Regardless of the cause, all people who gaslight (not only those who show narcissistic behavior or with NPD) do so in effort to gain power. When narcissistic abusers or a gaslighter feels threatened, they feel a strong need for acceptance and support. They want others to believe their retelling of events to restore their sense of control.

Gaslighting can also be the result of someone believing that their account is more accurate than yours. By convincing you to question your memory of events, they can regain that sense of superior intellect.

Are gaslighters aware that they’re gaslighting?

Some gaslighters are aware of their behavior, and they may even work to improve their gaslighting skills. They might enjoy the sense of superiority they feel from making others doubt their sanity and correctness.

Others who gaslight might not be aware that they’re doing it. Yet, unknowingly, they may continue to gaslight because of the payoff they get: a boost to life, confidence, and superiority.

How to Deal with Gaslighting from Someone with NPD

If you believe or know you’re being gaslighted, there are steps you can take to regain emotional control. For instance, you can:

Recognize and acknowledge the behavior

Acknowledging that a gaslighting narcissist is manipulating you is crucial, as recognition is the first step towards seeking professional help.

Seek support from trusted friends or family

Support from a trusted circle is vital in reaffirming your worth and reality, offering a buffer against the emotional abuse experienced in the toxic relationship.

Establish boundaries

Setting boundaries with narcissists is essential to protect yourself and a crucial step towards healing from the trauma inflicted by the relationship.

Document interactions

Keeping a record is useful for personal validation or if seeking professional help to address the psychological manipulation experienced.

Over time and unaddressed, narcissistic gaslighting can wear you down and make you numb. It can cause you to be agitated and feel out of touch with yourself and your goals.

It’s important that you make time to take care of yourself and be intentional about reclaiming the energy that narcissistic gaslighting has depleted. Hold on to your sense of self and your belief system.

When to Seek Help

Gaslighting for extended periods can decrease your sense of self-worth, cause anxiety and depression, and leave you unsure about the decisions you make. It can also cause a lot of loneliness if the gaslighter is your spouse or friend.

Seeking in-person or online therapy is often a critical component of healing from narcissistic abuse, as it provides targeted support to navigate and recover from the effects of gaslighting.

Healing from narcissistic abuse can be challenging, but getting support from a therapist or someone else can help you recognize and effectively deal with the situation and begin taking steps to improve it. A therapist can help you address any doubts about your self-worth, deal with painful emotions, understand that you did nothing to deserve the gaslighting, and discover healthy new ways of coping with and escaping the situation.

Of course, a therapist can also work with couples who want to improve their lives together and completely eliminate any gaslighting that’s happening.

Dealing with narcissistic gaslighting can be daunting and confusing, but you can successfully survive an abusive relationship, set up boundaries, and protect yourself from the narcissistic abuse you’ve experienced. Use the narcissistic gaslighting checklist here to figure out if you’re being gaslighted by someone with NPD or show narcissistic behavior. Rely on the support you have in your life so you can get rid of the toxicity you’ve been dealing with if you’re being gaslighted by someone with NPD.