How to Respond to a Narcissist

Tips for Responding to a Narcissist

First and foremost, it’s important to understand that people with NPD thrive on drama and manipulation. A narcissistic person uses attention-seeking behavior to get what they want, and has zero qualms about using the people in their lives.

Learning how to respond to a narcissist’s text, phone call, face-to-face situation, or any other interaction is essential if you’re in a relationship with someone with NPD. To learn how to disarm a narcissist, you should become aware of the common tactics they tend to use. For example, it’s common for someone with NPD to use forms of:

• Narcissistic gaslighting — A form of psychological manipulation that purposefully causes someone to doubt their ideas or memories about situations and events.
• Triangulation — Involves creating tension (usually between the person with NPD and someone else) to create a scenario where people are pitted against one another.
• Flying monkeys — When a person with NPD enlists others — usually friends or family members — to support their narrative. This tactic also involves challenging or attacking anybody who questions them.

Here are some tips on managing interactions with somebody who has NPD.

Stay calm and composed

Maintaining your composure is critical when dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. The more composed you are, the less likely you are to be manipulated by drama and conflict-seeking behavior. Be careful to control your emotions so you’re less likely to be sucked into manipulative tactics.

Tips: Try using deep breathing exercises or mindfulness meditation techniques to help you keep your composure.

Set boundaries

Boundaries are essential when dealing with somebody with NPD. When it comes to how to make a narcissist respect you, knowing how to set healthy boundaries is key. Be resolute in expressing your limits when dealing with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder tendencies.

Tips: Communicate and establish your boundaries and make sure that consequences are explicitly defined. Then, most importantly, follow through if your boundaries are not respected.

Don’t engage in their games

While it can be tempting, resist the urge to engage in the games some people with NPD try to play. They’ll use manipulation tactics, like gaslighting or guilt-tripping, to get their way. Rather than feed into this cycle, stay focused on facts and don’t let your emotions get the best of you.

Tips: Use facts, resist emotionally-loaded language, and stay calm when things get heated.

Avoid trying to change them

It’s important to understand that people with NPD rarely change their behavior. In fact, they may not even be incapable of doing so without intensive therapy and help. Don’t waste time trying. Focus on managing how you respond to their behavior and actions instead of attempting the impossible and feudal task of making them be “better” people.

Tips: You can practice how to disarm a narcissist in realistic, healthy ways by scripting your reactions so you’ll have appropriate and effective ways to respond.

Focus on facts, not emotions

You must be able to separate facts from emotion when conversing with somebody who has NPD. Stick to strictly factual information, and don’t allow your personal feelings to come into play. As a result, you will be better equipped to have positive, effective interactions. Failure to do so will only lead you on an unproductive path that often leads to emotional turmoil and pain.

Tips:

1. Take a moment to assess your reaction to a situation so you can separate what are facts vs. what are your feelings.
2. Only verbalize things you can back up that can’t be argued with.
3. Stand firm in your belief that your facts are your truth.
4. Don’t let someone gaslight you into thinking that you’re wrong or that your account of how things happened is inaccurate.

Don’t take their behavior personally

Remember, people with NPD are skilled at making you believe they are right and you are wrong. When you understand that their actions typically stem from their insecurities and anxieties, separating their behavior from your own sense of self-worth is easier. Keep in mind that they crave recognition and attention and will do anything to get them.

Tips: Try not to take their behavior personally by remembering that their behavior is more about them than you.

Use “I” statements

Using “I statements” can be much more effective than being accusatory when you’re in a conversation with somebody with narcissistic tendencies. The “I statement” approach can help prevent defensive reactions and keep situations from escalating.

Tips: I statements can include statements like “I feel disrespected when…,” or “I feel hurt when you…,” or “I feel like you’re not listening to me….”

Keep your interactions brief If you’re experiencing increasingly toxic interactions and behavior, limit your time with somebody with NPD. If you must be around or interact with them, keep conversations short and focused. Tips: Don’t be afraid to step away when you need to. If you feel like an interaction harms your self-worth, excuse yourself. Remember, you don’t need to explain either. Seek support Support can be crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship with somebody with NPD. Get help from family members or friends. Don’t rule out seeking advice and support from a mental health professional who’s experienced in narcissistic behavior. Tips: Join an online or in-person support group or seek individual counseling to help you learn how to navigate a narcissistic relationship.

10 Phrases to Disarm a Narcissist

As you learn how to respond to a narcissistic personality, keeping specific phrases ready to use can be a great tool. Remember that these phrases are less about winning or changing someone’s behavior than they are tools to protect your mental health and boundaries.

The following can help you disarm toxic behavior while you protect your mental health.

1. I understand: Saying “I understand” is a simple yet effective way to acknowledge the feelings of someone with narcissistic tendencies. It’s compelling because you can use it without agreeing or disagreeing with them. This shows you have empathy while still allowing you to maintain self-preserving boundaries.
2. I can’t control how you feel about me: This statement reminds them they’re responsible for their emotions and reactions.
3. Everything is OK: When you reassure someone with NPD that everything is OK, you can diffuse potential conflict or drama they may be — perhaps intentionally — trying to create.
4. Your anger is not my responsibility: Set a clear boundary about what you will and won’t accept by asserting that you’ll never take responsibility for anger or negative emotions.
5. I’m sorry you feel that way: It’s OK to offer an apology but not take the blame for a situation. This reinforces that you won’t be manipulated into taking responsibility for their feelings or behaviors.
6. We both have a right to our own opinions: Remind them of the importance of respecting one another’s viewpoints. This simple yet very effective response encourages healthy communication. It sets the boundary that you won’t let your feelings be dismissed.
7. I don’t like how you’re speaking to me, so I’m not engaging: As previously noted, setting and enforcing personal boundaries is crucial if you’re dealing with a narcissistic personality. Remind them of your boundaries and disengage if you feel disrespected.
8. I accept how you feel: When you acknowledge their feelings but refuse to agree or disagree, you create enough space to maintain a healthy emotional distance.
9. I see where you’re coming from: Demonstrate understanding and validate their perspective, but don’t necessarily agree with them. Reacting this way can de-escalate conflict immediately.
10. Can we aim to be respectful in our conversation?: Encourage them to keep a respectful tone while establishing that you refuse to get into a toxic back-and-forth.

Know When to Walk Away from the Conversation

Sometimes you need to be willing to accept that a conversation isn’t going to lead to anything healthy or productive. Knowing how to respond to a narcissist means understanding that some people with NPD will control the narrative and dominate the conversation to the point that nothing you say or do will change the outcome. When you experience this, you need to be willing to walk away.

Some signs that you should disengaging might include:

• They frequently attack you personally
• You can’t see any resolution in sight
• Your mental health is suffering
• You don’t feel validated or heard
• You’re in fear for your safety
• You’ve been isolated from others in your life

If you’re experiencing any of the above or feel like you’re suffering from narcissistic abuse, it might be time to step away. Sometimes, steering away from destructive relationships can be the best option for your own mental health. If you need help navigating the best way to respond to a narcissist or leave an unhealthy relationship, Talkspace is here for you.

We offer convenient, affordable, accessible online therapy with experienced mental health professionals who understand the best ways to deal with people who have NPD. Reach out today to learn more about how to get the help you need to create the best relationships you can.