How to Help a Depressed Spouse or Partner

Demystifying Depression

Depression is a severe mental health condition that impacts how people think, feel, and manage daily life. There are a variety of types of depression, including major depressive disorder (MDD) and persistent depressive disorder (PDD), and postpartum depression.

There’s a common misconception that depression is something people can simply choose to avoid — but a depressed person can’t just “choose” to be happy or “decide” not to feel sad — the reality is that depression involves brain chemistry changes that can’t be wished or thought away. The causes of depression are multifaceted. There can be biological or genetic factors that play a role in how likely someone is to develop depression. There can also be psychological elements, like personality traits or social aspects from life experiences and environments, that can contribute to depression in some people.

The Unseen Signs: What You Might Be Missing

Depression can show up in unexpected ways and may appear to come out of nowhere. Common depression symptoms can include, but aren’t limited to:

• Loss of hope and overwhelming sadness
• Feeling lonely or despair
• Substance abuse or addiction
• Engaging in risky behaviors
• Suicidal thoughts

While we often think of depression as uncontrollable crying or being unable to get out of bed or get dressed in the morning, there are other unseen and less obvious signs you might be missing.

Some lesser-known signs of depression include:

• Irritability
• Changes in sleep or eating patterns
• Loss of interest in things that were once enjoyed
• Being withdrawn or uninterested in social activities and engagement

When helping a spouse with depression, it’s good to remember that depression can alter their behavior. Finally, while there are stereotypical, emotional aspects of depression you probably expect — like seeming forlorn, being sad, or crying — it can be easy to overlook the less visible, emotional part of your partner’s depression. Feelings of hopelessness, overwhelming sadness, anger, impatience, or suddenly being easily frustrated are all signs of depression that can be easy to miss.

How Can I Help My Partner Through Depression?

Coping with depression can be challenging, similar to the distress of watching a loved one struggle with their symptoms without knowing how to help. While you may not be able to cure your partner‘s depression on your own, you can play a meaningful role in offering your support and motivating them to explore mental health treatment options. Below are some strategies to help a depressed spouse, partner, or loved one.

1. Understanding your partner’s perspective

In a relationship, you always want to try to understand your partner’s perspective, but when depression is part of the equation, it’s even more crucial.

Depression can alter your partner’s ability to express themselves in a clear, healthy way. If you see them struggling, be empathetic as you try to understand their perspective. You may not be able to fully comprehend what their depression stems from, but you should try to keep in mind how challenging it can be for them to articulate their emotions.

Knowing how to support a depressed spouse means aiming for patience and understanding. This will almost always be more valuable than offering solutions. What your partner needs most is validation that what they’re feeling is real, OK, and important. Being sensitive to their needs is one way you can help them.

2. Mastering communication: what to say and how to say it

Learning to communicate can be a struggle in any relationship, but when one partner is depressed, it can be even more imperative to the success of the relationship.

Simple things you can do to effectively communicate and prevent relationship issues with a depressed partner:

• Use active listening: This means entirely focusing on what your partner is saying, without interrupting, to show that you’re tuned in.
• Avoid being judgmental: Don’t respond with a judgemental tone.
• Don’t offer advice: Try not to give unsolicited advice — your partner isn’t looking for you to “fix” them or their situation.
• Show empathy and understanding: Sometimes, simple things can be the most effective — respond with statements like “I’m here for you” or “You are not alone.”
• Be patient: If your partner struggles to express how they feel, remember, that’s likely the depression. Be patient as they try to share their feelings.
• Don’t minimize: Avoid diminishing their feelings or experiences, even if you don’t understand.

3. Tailored support: finding what works for your partner

Depression treatment can be different for everyone. Learning how to help a spouse with depression means being willing to take a tailored approach. What works for one person may not be effective for another, so it’s necessary to take the time to understand your spouse’s specific needs and preferences so you can engage in the most helpful ways.

How to help a spouse with depression:

• Create a regular workout routine for you and your partner
• Plan nutritious meals
• Use calming evening rituals like meditation or yoga
• Do deep breathing together
• Plan a date night you know they’ll appreciate
• Foster healthy habits
• Encourage them to try natural remedies for depression

Remember that how you support a partner in treating depression must be fluid and flexible. Depression can ebb and flow, changing over time, which means how you help should be able to change, too.

4. Guiding towards professional help: a delicate approach

Sometimes, all the support in the world won’t be enough. If you’re starting to think that professional intervention is necessary, approach the subject delicately. Remind your partner that you’re concerned about their well-being and you’re not trying to “fix” them. You’re suggesting they seek help, whether it’s therapy or depression medication, out of love and concern.

Using “I” statements can be effective when encouraging a loved one to consider therapy for depression. Instead of saying something like, “I think you need therapy,” you might want to say, “I’m worried about how sad you are lately.” “I” statements reduce the chance of your partner becoming defensive, and they can open the door to constructive dialogue.

You might offer to attend a session with your partner, but be mindful that they may want to begin this journey alone.

5. Taking care of your well-being

If you’re in a relationship with someone who has depression, focusing on your own mental health is essential if you hope to maintain a sustainable relationship.

Ways you can take care of your well-being include:

• Prioritizing your own mental and physical health
• Working out
• Meditating
• Setting healthy boundaries to preserve your emotional well-being
• Going to a support group
• Seeking individual therapy
• Talking to close, trusted friends and family
• Practicing self-care
• Eating well and getting enough sleep

6. Crisis management: handling critical situations

Being prepared to handle critical situations means having a crisis management plan in place. It’s essential when you’re in a relationship with someone who’s living with depression. If your partner has a severe depressive episode or if they show any signs of self-harm or suicidal ideation, you should be ready to act.

Signs of a mental health crisis can include:

• An abrupt shift in mood
• Engaging in dangerous, unsafe, or risky behavior
• Suddenly consuming more alcohol or drugs
• Talking about ending their life
• Completely withdrawing from others
• Self-harming

If you notice any of the above signs, get help immediately. Contact a doctor or mental health professional as soon as possible, and if the need is immediate, call 911 or a suicide and crisis hotline.

Encourage Your Partner to Seek Depression Treatment at Talkspace

If you or your partner needs help navigating depression, don’t be discouraged. A big part of helping a spouse with depression involves ensuring they have access to professional support if they need it. Fortunately, accessing help is easy through an online therapy platform like Talkspace.

Talkspace has licensed therapists who are trained in managing and treating depression. The easy-to-use platform makes getting a depression diagnosis and proper help convenient and affordable, so there’s no reason not to reach out and start building a stronger, happier, and closer relationship. And, as you’re exploring mental health treatment options, know that Talkspace offers online therapy and psychiatry covered by insurance  for effective and affordable care.