Dealing with Burnout of Having a Spouse with ADHD

Understanding Burnout from Having an ADHD Spouse

Living with an ADHD spouse generally comes with certain responsibilities and differences. Trying to manage daily life while providing emotional support means some partners must constantly organize schedules, follow up on tasks, repeat conversations, or resolve difficult or awkward social interactions. This level of caretaking often goes beyond typical partner responsibilities, and it can lead to exhaustion and emotional strain. It becomes a form of caregiver burnout.

Many people with ADHD spouses feel isolated in their experience. Even if they don’t want to, it’s easy to feel burdened by the practical aspects of helping a partner manage their ADHD symptoms. 

Signs of ADHD partner burnout can include:

• Harboring resentment
• Having persistent fatigue or exhaustion
• Feeling isolated or unsupported
• Increasingly being irritated or impatient
• Neglecting self-care or personal needs
• Lacking joy or satisfaction
• Experiencing increased anxiety
• Feeling emotionally detached
• Developing physical symptoms, like headaches, muscle tension, or gastrointestinal issues related to stress

Causes of ADHD Spouse Burnout

Navigating a relationship when one or both partners has ADHD traits can strain even the most resilient partnerships — but most of the time, there isn’t one, single cause of ADHD partner burnout.

Burnout can stem from many aspects of daily life. Understanding the causes can help you address them so you can maintain a supportive, rewarding, and healthy relationship dynamic.

Constant need for support and supervision

People with ADHD may need more support and supervision. As a result, some partners feel like they’re in a caretaker role, overseeing everything from managing finances to ensuring daily routines happen.

The role might become exhausting as it requires high attention and energy. In extreme cases, it can leave little room for personal downtime. When both spouses have ADHD, this dynamic can be even more challenging, as each partner may struggle with their own symptoms while also trying to support the other.

Unbalanced household responsibilities

ADHD can create challenges when it comes to household responsibilities. Unfortunately, the disproportionate burden of duties when it falls on one person can exacerbate feelings of exhaustion and resentment, quickly resulting in non-ADHD spouse burnout.

When both partners have ADHD, balancing responsibilities can become even more complex. The lack of organizational skills and attention to detail from both sides can lead to a chaotic household environment, amplifying stress and burnout for both partners.

Communication challenges & misunderstandings

Effective communication is critical when dealing with an ADHD spouse who gets distracted or is forgetful. These classic ADHD symptoms can lead to misunderstandings and mutual frustration. Messages might frequently need to be repeated or clarified, and for the non-ADHD partner, it can feel like the effort they put into communicating isn’t appreciated or reciprocated.

When both spouses have ADHD, these communication challenges can double. Both partners may struggle to stay focused during conversations, leading to even more misunderstandings and frustration. This mutual difficulty in communication can create a cycle of repeated conflicts and unresolved issues.

Emotional strain and stress

There’s a unique emotional dynamic to relationships impacted by ADHD. For example, research shows that couples in an ADHD relationship showed less positivity and more negativity when engaging in conflict resolution.

Although stress can affect both people, the unpredictable moods and behaviors exhibited by someone with ADHD can be particularly taxing on partners. Non-ADHD spouses may feel they need to be constantly alert and aware to avoid conflict. In relationships where both partners have ADHD, the emotional strain can be even more significant, as both individuals may experience heightened stress and emotional volatility, making it harder to maintain a stable and supportive relationship.

Lack of support and isolation

When friends and family don’t understand the challenges associated with ADHD, the non-ADHD partner may feel increasingly isolated and unsupported. This lack of understanding can lead to a sense of struggling alone, where the non-ADHD partner bears the brunt of the relationship difficulties without adequate emotional support.

Over time, this can significantly increase the risk of burnout, as the ongoing stress and lack of empathy from others make it harder to cope. Without a strong support network, the non-ADHD partner may also feel a sense of hopelessness, which can further strain the relationship and their own mental health.

How to Cope with ADHD Spouse Burnout

The good news is avoiding or course-correcting ADHD spouse burnout is possible when you have the right strategies.

To do this, you’ll need to pay attention to your own personal health and the well-being of your relationship. You must ensure responsibilities are even, effective communication is used, and emotional stress is reduced.

Use the tips below to maintain a loving, mutually supportive relationship while still honoring your own needs.

1. Avoid excessive caretaking

In any relationship, it’s natural to want to support your partner, but there’s a fine line between helping and caring. Excessive caretaking can eventually lead to resentment and burnout.

Helpful tip: Encourage your partner’s independence and allow them to manage their tasks and day as much as possible. Facing the natural consequences of their actions might serve as a motivator and encourage them to use the tools they have to succeed. This approach can reduce your burden while empowering your spouse — making it a win-win.

2. Set clear personal boundaries

Healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship, but they become even more critical when one partner has ADHD. Setting firm boundaries when dealing with an ADHD spouse will ensure your needs are met so you don’t become resentful or worn out by the relationship.

Helpful tip: Clearly (and maybe repeatedly) communicate your limits and boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Examples of boundaries you set might include:

• Identifying times for personal activities
• Having a standing day or time for self-care
• Setting limits on how much you’re willing to manage on behalf of your partner

3. Designate responsibilities

It’s common for household responsibilities to become unbalanced in ADHD relationships. Sitting down with your partner and identifying who’s responsible for what can be hugely beneficial. Having a schedule and designating responsibilities can alleviate daily stress and offer structure — something that’s helpful in any relationship but can be especially effective for people with ADHD.

Helpful tip: Calendars, apps, or lists are great tools for tracking responsibilities. They also offer a visual reminder of your partner’s duties, which can be helpful for combating object permanence in ADHD.

4. Engage in self-care & prioritize your well-being

Self-care is a vital component of managing stress and avoiding burnout in an ADHD relationship. Making time for activities you enjoy and that are relaxing — like reading, exercising, or pursuing your hobbies — is critical for self-preservation.

Helpful tip: Besides independent self-care, maintaining a social life and being independent of your partner can be just the reset you’ve been looking for. Spending time with friends, family, and loved ones provides a much-needed emotional outlet.

5. Reach out for professional help

Seeking professional help from a therapist can be invaluable as you learn to navigate the challenges of an ADHD relationship successfully.

Therapy can offer powerful strategies for you, your partner, and the two of you as a couple. You can focus on improving communication, managing stress, or reconnecting on a deeper level. If you’re looking for even more, you can join a support group to connect with others in similar situations.

Helpful tip: Online therapy is a convenient, accessible, and affordable way to seek professional help without the hassle of having to go to a traditional in-person appointment. If your partner resists the idea of couples therapy, removing this additional barrier might make them more willing to participate.

6 Ways to Support Your ADHD Spouse or Partner

You can support an ADHD spouse without burning yourself out, but it requires understanding, patience, and the right tools. Once you’re armed with some of the following highly effective techniques, you’ll be able to empower your partner — without micromanaging them. The change can substantially strengthen your relationship with one another, making it well worth the time you invest along the way.

1. Learn more about ADHD together

Educating yourself on the nuances of ADHD helps you better understand symptoms, challenges, and available treatment options. The knowledge you gain about your partner’s condition can demystify many of their behaviors.

To learn about ADHD, you can:

• Read books
• Visit reputable websites
• Attend seminars and workshops
• Seek therapy to learn more together

2. Encourage routine & structure

A hallmark symptom of ADHD is difficulty staying organized and on task. You can help your partner — and alleviate some of the stress you likely feel from trying to do it all — by creating a consistent daily routine and structured environment that allows them to be successful.

You might try:

• Having regular mealtimes
• Scheduling specific days for household tasks
• Organizing common living spaces to reduce clutter or distractions
• Using bins and labels around the house that make it easy to keep spaces clean

3. Practice patience and empathy

Although life with ADHD can be frustrating at times, a little patience and empathy can go a long way in improving your relationship. When you try to understand the struggles ADHD causes your partner, it’s easier to respond with kindness and support instead of frustration and anger.

To do this:

• Recognize that symptoms like forgetfulness or difficulty completing tasks are not intentional
• Focus on healthy communication skills
• Seek therapy to get coping skills that help you respond with empathy

4. Encourage ADHD treatment for your spouse

Although ADHD is not curable, it is highly treatable. An effective treatment plan can be a game-changer for managing symptoms of ADHD.

Encourage your spouse to seek professional help if they haven’t already done so. With a professional, they can explore treatment options — like therapy for ADHD, medication, and lifestyle changes — that can drastically improve their life (and your relationship).

You can also:

• Support them by going to their appointments
• Help them adhere to treatment plans
• Add ADHD medication or self-help strategies to the routine and schedule
• Share powerful ADHD hacks or ADHD coping skills

5. Consider couples counseling

An outside perspective is invaluable if you’re struggling with ADHD in your relationship. Couples counseling with a therapist who has experience in treating ADHD can help both partners learn to communicate better and understand one another.

Therapy works, too — according to research, people report a significant reduction in extreme symptoms of inattention and hyperactivity/impulsivity following treatment.

In couples counseling, you can:

• Learn healthy communication strategies
• Gain a better understanding of each other’s needs
• Get coping mechanisms to improve your quality of life and relationship

6. Celebrate their small wins

Sometimes, you need to celebrate the small wins, too. Life with ADHD can make everyday tasks difficult, and although some accomplishments might not seem like a big deal to most people, celebrating them is still important. You don’t need to plan an elaborate ordeal — even small acknowledgments can uplift your partner and boost their self-esteem.

Celebrate small wins by:

• Using verbal praise or affirmations
• Leaving encouraging notes
• Making social acknowledgments
• Going out for or making a special meal
• Supporting their hobbies

Find Support for You & Your Spouse

Living with an ADHD spouse has some challenges, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Seeking support for both of you can help you build and maintain a strong, rewarding relationship.

At Talkspace, you can get individual online therapy and online couples counseling right from the comfort of your own home. Whether your spouse needs help managing symptoms of ADHD, or you’re looking for support with the emotional toll your relationship is taking on you, Talkspace offers effective, affordable solutions. 

Talkspace therapists are licensed and experienced to work with you and your spouse. They’ll help you develop an effective ADHD treatment plan that includes coping skills for both of you. Reach out today to start individual therapy and encourage ADHD treatment online for your loved one.